£100 a month of family money on himself.

[justkeepflying]

Want to start off by saying we're not rich by any means we're comfortable in that we can afford food etc. My DH wants to buy a motorbike on finance.
He had one for many years before the DC and would like one again. I was under the impression he was going to save up and buy one. I heard him on the phone this morning saying he didn't want to pay more than £100 a month.
Now to me that's a massive amount of money. It will mean we'll be struggling a little and won't be able to afford luxuries, days out with the DC etc. To me this is selfish. Plus add on insurance, tax, bike gear, petrol etc. Still while having to run a car.

My wages pay for food, council tax and that's about it. I'm poor every month. My DH pays rent, all other bills and things. If I need money I ask and he'll give it me no problems but i suppose I'm feeling selfish in a way that I work and see nothing of my money and I don't get to treat myself to anything and I can't just go and get fiancé or a loan on something because I myself don't earn enough.

I can't remember the last time I treated myself to anything and I hate spending family money on myself.
Aibu to be annoyed about this?
I haven't approached it yet as I have a history of going off on one in the past and I don't want to do that this time.

It's 'his' money after all and it's not like we're starving hungry.
It does make me resentful though if i'm honest.

So he's going to have 2 vehicles neither of which you can drive. That's nuts. Pull your finger out and get some lessons and pass your test!

You works nights and days. You dont even know how much he earns, so you cant budget. All your money goes on bills. He is beyond selfish to even think this.
You have no savings, no buffer, nothing for a rainy day, no kids college funds. If he wants to live like a single man why did he bother getting married and having kids?

Start to look for a different way to work to earn more. Maybe look at working form home during the day.

As I suspected OP, your employment choices have been dictated by fitting around the needs of the family. This means the arguments about it not being family money, you needing to earn more if you want more money etc, have been shown to be bollocks.

It's not just £100 a month. Fuel, servicing, insurance...

I'd tell him that you're a bit worried about being able to afford the bike, and perhaps it would be good to do a budget together. Maybe he hasn't committed yet and is trying to get an idea of his option. You need to communicate with each other. Use a template like on the money advice service www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/tools/budget-planner and spend an hour filling it in together. Have the bills info to hand so you can get the info filled in correctly.

What your issue could be is that you have different priorities. If he is set on getting the bike, I'd be a) stressing the full cost rather than just the finance and b) asking where the money is going to come from if you have a shortfall.

Personally, if there's kids in the picture especially, I'd do joint budgeting. I have a separate account to my partner but we make financial decisions together. I'd be super peeved if he made a £100/ month decision without me.

We use software called YNAB which totally revolutionised our financial relationship. It's paid for so you don't have to use it, but some of the principals re how to talk about and work out your joint budget/ finances are usable www.youneedabudget.com/guides/join-forces/ basically, you might not agree on how money is used. That's why you need to talk to each other, so that you can find a compromise between your own priorities and that of your families. You are also an us, and decisions should be guided by what's best for your family.

If I need money I ask and he'll give it me no problems

Why do you need to "ask" for money from your DH when you are a family? Dont get it. Especially on top of not having a clue about what he actually earns. And if you dont know how much he earns how do you know you cant afford it?

Look into a better paid job and childcare, and explain to him that he will of course be contributing at least half towards this.

Stop being so bloody passive.

For all my DPs faults he would never go off and spend that kind of money without talking about it. That said neither of us are big spenders.

I am surprised at some of the responses here re the money being the DHs money if he earns more. Generally in relationships it is the woman that gives up work/goes part time to look after the children. This enables the man to continue working, advancing his career and not having the burden of child pickup/being off work for sick children etc. Often men get use do this and even when the woman then goes back, often in a low skill job, they still don't step up to the plate but continue to have the freedom to advance their careers and pay. The woman on the other hand her earning power has plummeted and ability to climb the ladder has diminished. This is how it works in many many households - how is it then fair that the man has much more disposable money? The finance should be shared.

If I were you OP I would sit down and discuss finances under the guise of 'lets make a plan how WE are going to be able to afford your bike, my driving lessons and all the stuff for the kids etc'.

He'll resent you for certain, if you don't let him. That's the problem though, he doesn't see you as an equal.
I think this is just the tip of the iceberg though.

@timeismovingon you are absolutely right that it is always the woman who gives up work or sacrifices career and earning power to take on childcare and housework. This of course enable the man to advance his career and income. The solution to this is not to then resent the extra income the man has and demand access to it while not having earned it. I do not consider childcare to be on par with full time paid employment so it is not equal to having earned the income. The solution is for the woman not to sacrifice her career in the first place. The childcare costs should be split both ways. And the woman should not have to foot the whole childcare bill on her own thus wiping out her income.the truth is:
A lot of women want to sacrifice their job. They never had a career but merely a job or a career that they resented or couldn't cope with and were actually quite happy to give up work and allow the man the mental load (mumsnet new favourite term) of being the sole breadwinner. A bit rich then to later complain about lack of disposable income.
Not suggesting the OP is such a woman. She works but she made the choice to fit her work around his. What if OP said she was looking corvette paid daytime work and wants to split the cost of the resulting childcare and allow herself to have some independent disposable income?

I would be saying to him, if we cant afford driving lessons for me how are we going to afford £100 a month for the bike plus all the extra costs that come with it. This doesn't make sense to me.

If I was in your situation I'd look for a 9-5 job, put the kids in childcare and split ALL bills (including the car, if he takes you to work etc.) 50/50. Then if he decides he wants a motorbike he can pay for that out of his own spare money, why should you have to fund his hobby? He doesn't need a bike, he has a car.

@justkeepflying I totally understand your work about bikes. I worry every time dp gets on his. I know do is a very safe and cautious rider and would never take risks. But I also know I cannot control other road users and anyone on a bike is so vulnerable. They may be doing everything right but a car or truck driver makes a mistake and it is the bike rider that will come off worse. But should we stop what we like doing out of fear and worry? I could out my foot down and forbid do I guess. But he would grown resentful. You could take all the precautions in life and get run over crossing a bridge or drinking a pint by a terrorist maniac and as you lay dying would you want to regret all the things you never did out of fear and worry?

fatdogs attitudes like yours is why we get screwed over!

If a family decides that they prefer one parent at home, which is a valid choice that many families make, why the hell should the parent who sacrifices their career for that not have equal access to money that comes into the house? If a man gave up his career to be a SAHD then I am damn sure there wouldnt be this discussion because his contribution would be valued much higher than hers. Twas ever thus. Penis power is worth more no matter what they do.

Fucking hell @fatdogs, the paleolithic era rang, the Australopithecines would like their attitudes back.

I would say the same thing for any man that chooses to be a SAHD. I earn more than dp and pay more of the bills and things like eating out and holidays than he does. I do that entirely without resentment as he is my partner and I earn more and I knew I did before we lived together. But there's no way I would put all our money in a joint pot to ensure that we had the same amount of disposal I come at the end of the month. I work hard and bear the responsibilities of being the higher earner, I deserve some perks for that.

Well we ended up in an argument as predicted, he can't see my point of view and never will. He's already resenting me.
Just had enough I've asked him to leave.
PP was right tip of the iceberg.
Whatever I say never matters my point of view doesn't matter.
I love him so much but I can't live with the 'I come first' mantra.
I'm the villain and unreasonable one as usual, I've given up caring now.

Look into a better paid job

Yes, because it's that easy. Newsflash - some people can't get better paid jobs, because they don't have the skills, or the qualifications, or the contacts. Sometimes shit pay is all you can get. I hate it when I see this shite on MN, most likely spouted by people who've never had to work a minimum wage job that won't pay the childcare costs in their life.

I work hard and bear the responsibilities of being the higher earner, I deserve some perks for that.

Does your partner not work hard? Seriously, I think he deserves a greater share of the income just for putting up with your bad attitude. Call it a perk.

Sorry OP, this must be such a hard situation. I did have a feeling from what you have said that he would spit his dummy out and act like YOUR the unreasonable one. Honestly, your not, most decent partners would listen to the other persons concerns, but he hasn't. I think its very selfless of you to put your family first and work around them, but maybe its time you did something for yourself weather you stay with him or not. Look for a 9-5 or a school hours job, get some money behind you so you don't have to rely on him.

Whatever I say never matters my point of view doesn't matter. That is important. You are important.

Sorry to hear that OP but as predicted when someone has their heart set on something, stopping them From doing it even if there is legitimate concern will lead to resentment.
@redredredrose my dp can choose to increase his income by taking on more shifts and later shifts which have a higher rate, his company are always offering them to him. He chooses not to most of the time as he CHOOSES to prioritise his leisure time, which is absolutely his right. I don't resent him for it even though it means as a household we have less then we could have. By the same token, I earn more and choose to take on extra projects that net me circa £18000 extra outside of my salary annually. We both reap the respective rewards of our choices made from our free will. His leisure time and less stress, me more diaposable income.Just like women who give up work make the choices with their free will and so should deal with the consequences such as having less earning power and less income.

Childcare is work and has a financial value. Op is saving the family the equivalent of whatever full time childcare for their age children would cost. She is working a full day then going out to work in the evening while her selfish cock of a h sits back and chills. It's time to stop with this silly nonsense that looking after your own small children isn't work, just because (mainly) women do it for free. It's perpetuating massive inequality

That's all true, I agree with it entirely.

But if the OP's husband doesn't recognise or agree with this then it's not doing her much good is it?

@justflyinghigh if you think the split is permanent then it goes beyond a bike. The bike was just the trigger. If you really split from him,I second getting a day job and splitting the childcare or at least childcare costs, evenly with him

fatdogs when you put it like that, it sounds a lot more reasonable, and I can understand your viewpoint. Sorry I was snippy - often people don't have the opportunity to increase their salary by taking extra shifts, especially when they're mothers working part-time around childcare, and when I see people suggesting they just "work harder", I find it very annoying. I work a four day week - we'd have more money if I worked full-time, even with DS in nursery for the extra day, but we decided that it would be better for DS to have three days at home and four days at nursery, than have the ratio be 2:5. I'd be furious if that meant DP thought he had more right to spending money than me.