£100 a month of family money on himself.

[justkeepflying]

Want to start off by saying we're not rich by any means we're comfortable in that we can afford food etc. My DH wants to buy a motorbike on finance.
He had one for many years before the DC and would like one again. I was under the impression he was going to save up and buy one. I heard him on the phone this morning saying he didn't want to pay more than £100 a month.
Now to me that's a massive amount of money. It will mean we'll be struggling a little and won't be able to afford luxuries, days out with the DC etc. To me this is selfish. Plus add on insurance, tax, bike gear, petrol etc. Still while having to run a car.

My wages pay for food, council tax and that's about it. I'm poor every month. My DH pays rent, all other bills and things. If I need money I ask and he'll give it me no problems but i suppose I'm feeling selfish in a way that I work and see nothing of my money and I don't get to treat myself to anything and I can't just go and get fiancé or a loan on something because I myself don't earn enough.

I can't remember the last time I treated myself to anything and I hate spending family money on myself.
Aibu to be annoyed about this?
I haven't approached it yet as I have a history of going off on one in the past and I don't want to do that this time.

It's 'his' money after all and it's not like we're starving hungry.
It does make me resentful though if i'm honest.

1. You are NOT comfortable but more just about managing (JAM)
2. You are a family unit and there should not be "mine" and "his". You shouldn't have to beg for money. It's so humiliating. I earn nothing and am treated with respect by DH, just like so many other women who I know.
3. Take driving lessons! It's more important for your family.

Just seen your latest post about not driving. This should be a priority

it depends though, is the OP being pro-active about getting her lessons sorted? has she actively tried putting money aside for it

How long should her DH wait for the OP to do lessons sometime in the vague future before he is allowed to do anything for him?

I agree the lessons get first dibs, BUT, if the OP isn't going to get on with it (or at least try, e.g. by setting up a lesson a/c and putting money aside into it) then I don't think he has to put his stuff on hold forever

The OP "doesn't think" she can afford lessons - i.e. she hasn't sat down and properly worked it out. If she's not going to actively see if she can budget for something for her then she'll never do them!

Getting things on finance is always been a huge no no, if I can't afford to buy something outright I don't want it.

In your situation, if it is something he really wants, just let him get it.

I think a conversation has to be had - its not just 100 pm is it. or even pw its the insurance and maintenance, its the outfits the helmets the leathers the boots, the extra petrol. And what is the point of having a car avail if you can't drive???

I think also that if your income is significantly less and more childcare and so on is falling to you then his contribution to the pot needs to go up so you can be funded to learn to drive. So personally I would be suggesting pay for learning to drive from the pot, but the diff between that and £100 goes in his bike and kit pot. Once you pass then you have deposit for bike and £100 to add but it has to cover everything

"Id like to get started on my driving lessons now since youre getting a bike."

Yanbu, I think its selfish of him, the main point being it's going to impact on being able to do things with the dcs.

You learning to drive is higher priority than an expensive toy surely? Driving g opens up work opportunities, ability to take kids places etcthis does not make sense to me

You can't drive and he wants to buy a motorbike???
Your priority should be to research how much lessons are going to cost and find an instructor pronto. He can piss about on a bike when you are mobile . Your children will benefit more by you driving. What are you supposed to be doing whilst he gads about on his bike, you'll be stranded and so will your children. Please do this. He sounds very selfish to me.

I agree that if he can afford £100 a month then agree that you will spend it on driving lessons first before he gets a bike.

Being able to drive may help you earn more too as you can apply for jobs further away or with longer hours as you are not relying on public transport.

What are you supposed to be doing whilst he gads about on his bike, you'll be stranded and so will your children. Please do this. He sounds very selfish to me.

equally, he can't take the lessons for her.

We don't know how long she was been talking about lessons, but not really properly looking into it or trying to budget/safe specifically for them.

Maybe he's been supportive of her lessons plans for a while now, but she's dragged her heels so now he's just getting on with his plan B?

If you want more disposable income then work more or find a better paid job. Easier said than done but no point feeling resentment just becuase he has more money to pay with. Both of you seems to be contributing your share to the family according to your abilities. He seems to pay more of the bills becuase he earns more so I don't see why he should enjoy a bit more of the spare. Perhaps after the bike is purchased you could decide on a purchase/project for yourself to enjoy. As you said he doesn't deny you money if you ask for it.
Alternatively would a second hand bike be cheaper? My dp has bought a massive second hand racer bike. Yamaha R1 or something like that. All I know is it is massive and men seem to want to stop him and chat about it. He got it for a absolute steal relative to what it would cost new.

I'm one of those people (highly annoying to some posters, I know) who just can't get with the separate-finances approach in a family. You are poor every month and have to ask for money? That's all wrong. And it would be wrong for your dc to be going without so your dh can have an expensive toy. (That I'm not altogether sure a parent should be doing an activity as risky as motorcycling on a regular basis, is another matter).

Tinsel

He has a car I don't drive at the moment as I didn't think I could afford the lessons. We were supposed to be saving to get my lessons done and they share the car but then the bike idea came to light.

This is all we have to go on. So it seems like he knew lessons were in the pipeline then he has hi-jacked it.

I asked the OP previously....does he have more spare money than you think you/he has. As you dont seem to be on the same page re what you can afford
^

I don't think it is fair to use the money this way. You are a family, even you earn less, I am sure you have done more on childcare, house work side. You shouldn't feel that you can't spend his money.

I would sit down with DH to look at both your salary together. You can put all the money together, then budget everything together, if there is any money left, some should go to family saving account, then devide the rest between you and your DH. Say £100 each for you and your DH every month. You can save yours if you don't want to spend, if DH want spend all his, then he can do it. But this should be based on both of your have the same pocket money.

I used to earn more than DH, but then I quit my job to stay at home after DC were born. I now only earn tiny amount compares to DH, as I only work part time, so I can pick up children, also I can't get back to my previous career. But I would never think DH's money is not our family money.

My wages pay for food, council tax and that's about it. I'm poor every month. My DH pays rent, all other bills and things. If I need money I ask and he'll give it me no problems

If you're having to "ask" then the balance isn't working
I don't like joint current accounts as i can barely keep track with a single one, BUT, if I was having to regularly ask DH for extras in your circumstances, I'ld either transfer one of the bills to him, or get him to set up a standing order to me, to eliminate the "asking" dynamic.

He has a car I don't drive at the moment as I didn't think I could afford the lessons.

If the OP was really serious about getting the lessons sorted she would know whether she could afford them

"I don't think I can…" sounds like excuses from someone who hasn't looked into it seriously to me

I really think you should prioritise the driving lessons OP.

I know this is a bit morbid (sorry!) but I learnt to drive as soon as I turned 17 (even though I wouldn't have access to a car) purely because if someone I was with was ever involved in an accident or seriously ill, I didn't want to be stuck not been able to take them to hospital/get help because I didn't know how to bloody drive! It could be the difference between life and death.

If lessons are too expensive, couldn't your DH give you some lessons? (I appreciate that with some couples this could be recipe for disaster). Maybe the deal is that your DH gives you lessons and you put aside £100/month towards the cost of the motorbike, and you revisit him buying the bike once you've passed your driving test? And by then you should have a reasonable amount of cash saved - or you've figured out that £100/month compromises your standard of living too much.

Your driving lessons should come first.
You should also both end up with a similar amount of "disposable" cash once bills are paid. Awful for one to have plenty and the other to have none, that's not a partnership

'If you want more disposable income then work more or find a better paid job. Easier said than done but no point feeling resentment just becuase he has more money to pay with. Both of you seems to be contributing your share to the family according to your abilities. He seems to pay more of the bills becuase he earns more so I don't see why he should enjoy a bit more of the spare.'

Yeah, OP, snap your fingers and waltz into a better paying job with more hours. Just magic up some childcare.

The money isn't 'spare', it means days out with the kids don't get to happen. That's fucking selfish to spunk on a hobby at the expense of your kids.

That's fucking selfish to spunk on a hobby at the expense of your kids

I actually think it's good for children to be around adults who have hobbies and interests outside of work&bills!

I think I am on the fence a bit here. My DH doesn't smoke, drink, go out or care about clothes. He does however drop loads of money on gadgets. I would never dream of spending this much money on myself but feel that I shouldn't stop him. He goes out to work at 0600 and gets home at 2000. He works away a lot. I am a SAHM. I feel that my DH should have some nice things as he works really hard. That said I think it is easy for me to say this as we are not struggling financially.

Then let him collect bloody stamps then, at least the kids can get involved, what about when he pisses off out and leaves the op to do the chump work, while he swans around seeing the countryside.

Guiltypleasures001

The OP said "and I hate spending family money on myself."

It would be different if the OP wanted equal hobby time but wasn't getting it!

Should the DH put all his interests on hold until his wife choses to take up some extra curricular activities?

So how much spending money do you have each? Because this should be coming out of spending money.

We have joint finances, we pay everything into one account and all bills / days out / family stuff comes out of that and we worked out we have about £200 each per month left over to spend as we wish. This is transferred to our own single accounts - dh uses his for tattoos and I like to spend mine on clothes and eating out.

If you can't afford any spending money each then he can't afford the motorbike.

If you don't have £100 a month to spend on leisure time you really really aren't comfortable.