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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DH to buy a guitar?

158 replies

EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 09:09

I'll try to add as much context as I can without dripfeeding.

We had credit card debts of about £25k, mainly from me being ill and overspending every month as well as making wild big purchases. All under control now and we were paying it off, albeit slowly.

Since the end of January DH has been doing an extra 20-25 hrs a week in overtime. Mainly because he's at the end of a big project, but also in part to pay off the debt, he'd have to have done some anyway but not quite this much.

We've now more than halved the debt (its less than £10k now) and the remainder is on a low cost loan.

Dh desperately needs a new guitar. He is a musician in his spare (ha!) time and plays regular gigs. His guitar is over twenty years old and he is constantly fixing it. He was supposed to buy a new one a few years ago but the cash earmarked for it got absorbed into other things.

He has made noises about using this month's OT to buy a new one. I think this is a fabulous idea. But I know him, and I am pretty sure he'll change his mind. He is very frugal and never really buys himself anything unless I force the issue.

So WIBU to really push this? Or even to find one he likes and just buy it for him? He's looked at ones in the shops before for £1500-£2500, which is still less than he'll get this month. I just think he needs something to show for his hard work other than paying off my debts.

He still has a good few months OT to go so the debt will be pretty much cleared by then anyway, but he has lots of gigs in July/August so I want him to have it before then.

AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 20/06/2017 17:43

You don't guitar shop in a weekend, OP.

You have to go into every shop, and play, and drool, and go back to the previous shop and have long earnest technical discussions and suggest changing some of the strings for a sweeter more rounded sound and ponder whether the tone would be lost with a specific sort of amp...

It takes bloody months.

And then the next year, you start all over again.

Don't push, leave him to it. Buying one that isn't 'the one' won't make him happy.

FloofyCat · 20/06/2017 17:50

There's a really nasty and unpleasant tone to some of these replies.

DH and I have debt, I was the sole wage earner until becoming ill a few years ago - a period of not working due to illness plus mouths which still needed feeding = debt. I am now disabled and can't work atm, DH works all the hours he can (and probably earns a lot less than OP's DH).

If I read some of these replies pretty much implying I was solely "at fault" for these debts and how my DH was working his bollocks off to keep me, I would be very upset. I'm sure lots of us carry enough guilt without it being piled on from MNers. You can disagree (and I actually don't think Op should buy a guitar) but you can still be kind to a human being who has probably suffered a great deal and is working hard to overcome ill health. Its just that yours OP is mental health not physical and that seems to be overlooked - it's just ill health the same as anything else.

OP, have you already sold everything not nailed down, on eBay? If not this could be a good way for you to fund a reasonably priced present for your DH, and you will feel like you have earned it. If that makes sense.

SafeToCross · 20/06/2017 17:52

I think you could say 'I think we should start putting some money aside for a guitar - do you want to start looking and decide on a budget, and begin to put the money aside. I will leave it to you but I would like you to get a new guitar.' But don't nudge or act any more than that.

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 17:52

Honestly OP I really think the kindest and most thoughtful and genuinely generous thing you could do for your husband right now is to totally back off doing any money spending or even hinting at spending any money, until all your debts are completely paid off.

You need to put his mind at rest and prove that you are definitely recovered from your illness and genuinely putting him and his needs first.

FloofyCat · 20/06/2017 17:53

Jemima. Why don't you take your own advice and totally back off? You've totally made your point, don't you think?

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 17:59

I can't get a job, because what I bring in after childcare would only be marginally more than the ESA I get, and the stress of juggling it all is what brought on my breakdown in the first place. DH absolutely doesn't want me to work outside of the home.

I have sold most of my clothes on FB and cancelled lots of subscriptions and unnecessary bits and bobs, I don't go out and spend money (the most expensive thing I've bought in months was a £6.99 garden ornament). I've been cooking from scratch for months and reduced our food bill by £50 a week. It's not like I'm not trying.

I've just had a very tearful conversation with him and he understands why I want him to have his guitar, but he would rather keep ploughing into the debt and buy one when we're square. And I will respect that.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/06/2017 18:11

There you go then. That was a sensible conversation to have. And you're doing the right things to cut household costs. Teamwork!

pigeondujour · 20/06/2017 18:17

You and your fella both sound lovely.

dontsufferfools · 20/06/2017 18:19

I dont understand this thread. From the op's posts the remainder of their debt is a low cost loan of £190 a month so no more cc debt.

Her husband is raking in £4500 A MONTH in disposable income. I understand people's anxiety about the op's past spending but surely the cc's will have been cut up and the remaining debt is manageable? Do people overpay on personal loans? Wouldn't they charge interest anyway?

So what have I missed.

I have 3 car loans which I pay every month without fail but I still piss money up the wall if I've got it. I dont overpay my fixed term loans??

rollonthesummer · 20/06/2017 18:45

He has always been weird about spending money on himself

I think he sounds incredibly sensible where money is concerned. I'm glad you have talked to him.

SaS2014 · 20/06/2017 19:07

YANBU.
I would push him to treat himself.
He's working blooming hard. And if that's not even the full months ot pay its not like you will be adding to the debt.
He sounds like my dh in the refusing to treat himself. If he won't and you can find out the one he wants us get it for him.

LiveLongAndProspero · 20/06/2017 19:15

I really think you aren't well because you can't seem to tell the difference between need and want. Your husband really, really doesn't need a new guitar costing thousands or even hundreds of pounds. He might want it but he really doesn't need it at all. If you genuinely can't see that then you're not nearly as well you think you are

Unless you're the OP's husband you really don't know that,and have no business lecturing the OP.
She says he has multiple gigs and a guitar that is falling apart. There is every chance he actually NEEDS it.

peachgreen · 20/06/2017 19:20

I'm glad you talked to your DH, OP, and came to an agreement. Sounds like it won't be long until you're debt-free and he can treat himself.

Do you think it might be worth talking to someone about why you felt so strongly about this? It could just be that you want him to have something nice after all his hard work but it might also be your shopping impulse rearing its head a little bit, and it's worth looking into that before you find yourselves debt-free and with a bit of disposable income again - just in case. I mean this with all kindness, I promise. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees when it comes to mental illness, I know that well myself.

WannaBe · 20/06/2017 19:20

You still have £10k of debt and you want to spend another 25% of that amount on a guitar?

Let's bear in mind here that the reason why there is still £10K of debt is because it was originally £25k built up by the OP on unnecessary spending. Whether that was brought on by mental illness or not is irrelevant, the fact here is that the OP has a poor history with money and is not in a position to make wise decisions about spending.

I understand the desire for a shiny new musical instrument if you're someone who is passionate about it. I am a keyboard player and for Christmas my DP upgraded my keyboard to the latest model. But he did it knowing he could pay it off. Had he gone into debt to the tune of thousands I would not have been impressed, and the reality is that while there is still £10k of debt to pay there isn't £2.5K to spend on a new guitar.

But I do think that there is merit on saying to the DH that when the debt has all been paid the next priority should be for him to spend some money on himself to the tune of a new guitar. That will give him time to find the one he actually wants and will also give him something to look forward to without thinking that there is more debt on the horizon.

peachgreen · 20/06/2017 19:21

Livelong he's already said he neither needs nor wants one right now (you may have cross-played with OP).

LiveLongAndProspero · 20/06/2017 19:25

He hadn't at the point that post was made though, which is the point.

OkapiCarrot · 20/06/2017 19:45

I think you've come to the right decision OP. Could you maybe save a little each month into an account and surprise him once you've paid your debt with a small guitar fund to start him off?

If you're anything like me, it's the dopamine rush that makes you post here/FB/think about spending huge amounts. It's hard to recognise.

peachgreen · 20/06/2017 19:59

Live He had, OP confirmed it in a later post. He'd gone into a shop and decided against the purchase.

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 21:16

I'm really glad you have had a proper adult discussion about the guitar and that your husband has felt he can be honest with you. I suspected he was agreeing to getting a guitar just to please you and because he didn't want to spoil your fun.

Like I said up thread you could go this weekend and put a deposit down on one he wants with a view to buying it in full when all your debt is paid off. This will reassure him that you are being sensible about money and are working towards your family's long term financial security but will also give him something nice to look forward to Smile

BadHatter · 20/06/2017 21:32

Look, getting a guitar right now (even putting a deposit down) is not sensible.

The husband even sees that. He's been the only sensible one.

The OP needs to respect her husband and stop trying to spend more money on wants.

Even if she'd squirrel away money to save for a guitar for him in the future is financially irresponsible. That money should be going towards the debt.

Look OP, stop it. Just let your husband deal with the mess in his own way. He wants to get it taken care of ASAP.

Respect your husband for once.

Lancelottie · 20/06/2017 21:39

Errm.

It depends a bit, surely, on how much he makes at each gig he has planned over the summer, and how likely it is that his current guitar will fall apart and prevent that.

DS can make £70-80 a time playing at gigs or busking (best he's done was £250), but if he let someone down, they wouldn't ask again.

Tazerface · 20/06/2017 21:41

What's wrong with managed debt? Especially when the debt could potentially be paid off in less than 6 months and you have £1500 to play with?

I think you should wait though. Purely because pay off all that debt over the summer, by Christmas he'll have put enough away from overtime to get a really great guitar.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 22:08

I think I need to explain the timeline a bit more. Dh said yesterday that he had been looking at guitars online and thought he might get one soon with some of his overtime. I jumped on this as a brilliant idea and got all excited for him, in much the same way I do as when he arranges a night out with his mates or takes a day off work to do something fun.

I woke up this morning all fired up and cooked up a plan to steer him further towards the idea. His mum agreed with me and offered to watch the kids.

He got in from work this evening, and as I was a bit upset from this thread I asked him if he wanted me to encourage him to buy one or if it was just a throwaway comment. I said I'd made plans to go to the shops and that it was up to him if wanted to or not.

He has said that although he does want one, he'd rather we had zero debt and wants to wait. He understands that I feel a hell of a lot of guilt for our situation but said he is the one choosing to pay it all off this quickly and I don't need to feel guilty. I cried, it wasn't pretty.

At no point at all in these proceedings have I pressured or pushed, and he hadn't said he didn't want to buy one. I just think some of you are thinking that this was my idea and I was badgering him. It wasn't like that at all.

But yes, if his guitar completely falls to pieces this will all be academic and he'll have to buy a new one anyway.

Oh and please fuck off with the 'respect your husband' bollocks. We respect each other.

OP posts:
BangkokBlues · 20/06/2017 22:27

Don't buy t for him - only because I think he will get an awful lot of enjoyment out of buying the guitar and it will be a one consuming process that only he can do really.

I think you should def put on some 'pressure' to make sure he does get himself a new guitar though.

BangkokBlues · 20/06/2017 22:28

FFS my typing made that so hard to read