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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DH to buy a guitar?

158 replies

EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 09:09

I'll try to add as much context as I can without dripfeeding.

We had credit card debts of about £25k, mainly from me being ill and overspending every month as well as making wild big purchases. All under control now and we were paying it off, albeit slowly.

Since the end of January DH has been doing an extra 20-25 hrs a week in overtime. Mainly because he's at the end of a big project, but also in part to pay off the debt, he'd have to have done some anyway but not quite this much.

We've now more than halved the debt (its less than £10k now) and the remainder is on a low cost loan.

Dh desperately needs a new guitar. He is a musician in his spare (ha!) time and plays regular gigs. His guitar is over twenty years old and he is constantly fixing it. He was supposed to buy a new one a few years ago but the cash earmarked for it got absorbed into other things.

He has made noises about using this month's OT to buy a new one. I think this is a fabulous idea. But I know him, and I am pretty sure he'll change his mind. He is very frugal and never really buys himself anything unless I force the issue.

So WIBU to really push this? Or even to find one he likes and just buy it for him? He's looked at ones in the shops before for £1500-£2500, which is still less than he'll get this month. I just think he needs something to show for his hard work other than paying off my debts.

He still has a good few months OT to go so the debt will be pretty much cleared by then anyway, but he has lots of gigs in July/August so I want him to have it before then.

AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 14:07

No, Ollie. I know how much we owe, and I know we can overlay it and clear it in three months, but I just misremembered the length of the loan.

I honestly don't think this is manic spending. It's not money we don't have.

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Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 14:11

And I am still in MH services, I'm actually at therapy group right now so won't be able to reply for another two hours.

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Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 15:08

Jemima I'm not sure what your problem is but your posts are telly nasty and personal, and are not describing my situation in any way. Not helpful at all.

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JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 15:09

But it is money that you don't have. You already have 10,000 that you don't have because you are still 10,000 in debt. None of this money is guaranteed as yours because many things could happen between now and when this 10,000 is paid off. So why on earth would you add to the risk.

I'm no expert but it sounds to me like your still very ill because your attitude towards money still seems so careless and irrational. It's a very good thing you are having help with your mental illness and I really think you shouldn't have any involvement with your family finances until you are well again and can be trusted.

Not making your poor husband worry about you all the time would be the best present you could give him.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 15:13

I am well.

So are you saying that everyone with a bank loan, that is a tiny proportion of their income, should overpay it and never spend 'needlessly' while they have it?

Yes it would be ideal to pay it all off in the next few months, and we will do. But taking a slice out of DH's overtime for something he wants and needs doesn't strike me as irresponsible.

Luckily his very frugal mum agrees with me (and she knows the whole picture) and we are going guitar shopping at the weekend.

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JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 15:22

So the whole of this thread was completely pointless really wasn't it. You didn't want anyone's opinions or experience unless they were going to tell you what a fabulous thing you were doing for your husband.

You don't sound very well to me at all because you're still very much in denial about how the real world works and how people should treat each other in a healthy relationship.

No doubt your Mil is only agreeing to this because past experience has shown that unless you are supervised you are totally capable of blowing thousands and putting her son in huge debt and then just letting him work his fingers to the bone paying back your debt.

I would be beside myself with worry if my son's wife was treating him like this. But you go ahead and enjoy your guitar shopping because you are the only one who will.

ThereIsIron · 20/06/2017 15:27

The last guitar DH bought a couple of years ago (I've just asked him - I know nothing about it!) was an 2nd hand (mint condition) 2007 Fender Stratocaster (American Standard) for £600.

rolopolovolo · 20/06/2017 15:28

This reply has been deleted

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VeryButchyRestingFace · 20/06/2017 15:31

So are you saying that everyone with a bank loan, that is a tiny proportion of their income, should overpay it and never spend 'needlessly' while they have it?

Not everyone, just your DH (and people in his situation). His situation is precarious.

I don't know why you started this thread, OP.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 15:34

Again, that is a ridiculously personal post that has no bearing on our situation.

It is hugely offensive to keep referring to my 'poor husband working his fingers to the bone' etc. It's just nasty.

I've no idea why I started this thread either tbh. I was just in a chatty mood I suppose.

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Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 15:38

And 'treating him like this'?

That is really offensive. You are insinuating that I have just blithely run up debts and done nothing at all to fix it. That couldn't be further from the truth.

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Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 15:44

I actually thought I'd get some measured responses and pros and cons, not an assault on my character. Ho him.

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JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 15:48

No I don't know why on earth you started this thread either. God knows what you hoped to achieve by it as no rational adult on here has agreed with you on this. I don't feel I have been personally aggressive because all I have done is reflected back to you what you have told us. The fact you perceive this situation as something you can just lightheartedly be 'chatty' about speaks volumes.

I have personal experience of watching what happened to my lovely DB when he was with someone who sounds very much like you. The effect on him and their child was devastating and the family are still trying to help him put his life back together 5 years after they split because he is still paying off the debts she ran up.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 15:52

You are projecting.

Our situation is nothing like you describe.

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JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 16:06

I don't think I am projecting at all. You have been quite detailed and the situation sounds very similar even down to my Mum trying to always shop with his ex to try and curb her spending. His ex used to insist that my DB was fine with it all and that they were so happy and no doubt in her eyes they were.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 16:09

His mum isn't guitar shopping with us, she's watching our youngest.

I'm not a natural spendthrift, I was ill. I've spent a long time now living on a budget and accounting for every penny.

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silkpyjamasallday · 20/06/2017 16:10

If your debt is around £9k and he is making £3k a month extra in overtime then you should be putting it towards paying off your debt and it will be done in no time. I had issues with spending during periods of mania and depression and have bipolar family members so I understand to an extent but I never got into debt over it, it sounds as if you are manic again if you are thinking of spending so much money and are feeling 'chatty'. Your husband probably doesn't spend on himself because he is desperately trying to rid your family of debt and he is not affected by a mental illness that creates a need to spend. Just because the money isn't being spent on you and you feel you can justify your DHs 'need' for a guitar doesn't mean it's a good idea, it's the need to spend that mania causes rearing its head again if you ask me. You don't have £500 to spend let alone £2.5k when you have an almost 5 figure debt still to pay, that is reckless behaviour and may be linked to a resurgence of mania. Are you still getting help for your bipolar or on any medication?

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 16:15

I am not manic. I am on lots of meds and go to therapy. I've very in tune with my moods and although I am a bit 'up' I am nowhere near thinking I am the empress of all things.

I'm not talking about not paying the debt, I'm talking about having a break from overpaying, or actually more likely overpaying by a third less, so my husband can have something he needs and wants.

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Albatross26 · 20/06/2017 16:17

As a semi professional musician I'd say that's a totally unnecessary amount for a guitar - music guitarists' instrument was less than half that and sounds great. If he can play it shouldn't matter. Don't get sucked in by big brand names. 500 would get you something really nice!

Albatross26 · 20/06/2017 16:17

Sorry meant my guitarist bloody tablet!

coffeemachine · 20/06/2017 16:24

I think it is madness to spend that kind of money on a guitar if you are knee-deep in debt.

I would prioritise getting rid of the debt. It is really a no brainer to me. Sorry to be blunt but it doesn't look like you learned any lessons. You don't have 2k. So you don't spend it. Simples!

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 16:28

I have already said the £2.5k figure was a mistake. He was pointing out lottery win guitars, not ones he wants to buy.

We are heading to the music shop at the weekend with up to £800 to spend. I'll encourage but won't push him.

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JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 16:29

"so my husband can have something he needs and wants."

I really think you aren't well because you can't seem to tell the difference between need and want. Your husband really, really doesn't need a new guitar costing thousands or even hundreds of pounds. He might want it but he really doesn't need it at all. If you genuinely can't see that then you're not nearly as well you think you are.

Also the fact you are wanting to just be chatty about something that everyone else can see is a very serious matter makes me think you aren't well. Didn't you say up thread that you were actually posting to us here from a therapy group? Surely you should be focusing on your therapy work and not being chatty on the internet. You need to take some responsibility for getting well again.

coffeemachine · 20/06/2017 16:30

you don't have £800 to spend. you don't have even £8 to spend.
Not sure why you posted at all. You don't get it.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 16:31

Therapy kicked out early as it was too hot in the room.

And I would argue that he does need a new guitar (not one costing thousands...) as his is increasingly unreliable.

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