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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DH to buy a guitar?

158 replies

EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 09:09

I'll try to add as much context as I can without dripfeeding.

We had credit card debts of about £25k, mainly from me being ill and overspending every month as well as making wild big purchases. All under control now and we were paying it off, albeit slowly.

Since the end of January DH has been doing an extra 20-25 hrs a week in overtime. Mainly because he's at the end of a big project, but also in part to pay off the debt, he'd have to have done some anyway but not quite this much.

We've now more than halved the debt (its less than £10k now) and the remainder is on a low cost loan.

Dh desperately needs a new guitar. He is a musician in his spare (ha!) time and plays regular gigs. His guitar is over twenty years old and he is constantly fixing it. He was supposed to buy a new one a few years ago but the cash earmarked for it got absorbed into other things.

He has made noises about using this month's OT to buy a new one. I think this is a fabulous idea. But I know him, and I am pretty sure he'll change his mind. He is very frugal and never really buys himself anything unless I force the issue.

So WIBU to really push this? Or even to find one he likes and just buy it for him? He's looked at ones in the shops before for £1500-£2500, which is still less than he'll get this month. I just think he needs something to show for his hard work other than paying off my debts.

He still has a good few months OT to go so the debt will be pretty much cleared by then anyway, but he has lots of gigs in July/August so I want him to have it before then.

AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 16:33

So by the logic on this thread, no one with a mortgage should ever buy anything above the basics? Or anyone with a car loan, or a student loan, or any type of debt at all?

Right oh then.

OP posts:
coffeemachine · 20/06/2017 16:40

a mortgage is a very different kind of debt. but you don't need to know that as you will probably never get one.

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 16:40

I have no idea why jemima is being so ridiculously aggressive. Perhaps jemima would like to back off a bit considering that the op has MH issues i doubt she needs jumped up keyboard warriors attacking her over something that is of no consequence to her AT ALL. Im a rational adult and i agreed with the op by the way. Im just not terrified at the thought of someone having manageable debt like jemima seems to be. Im assuming jemima has never taken out finance on a car, or a loan, or even a mortgage. Meanwhile back in the real world, people have debt, you'll be making a decent payment towards it this month. What the fuck is her problem, i don't know. It's not as if you're talking about not paying the council tax so you can buy a guitar.

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 16:41

Coffee why won't the op get a mortgage?

ChicRock · 20/06/2017 16:41

Sounds to me like the poor guy will end up getting bullied into buying an £800 guitar and the only reason he'll agree to it is out of fear that if he doesn't, you'll go out and spunk £3k on one for him, to assuage your guilt and have the thrill of another big pointless purchase, whilst he's left with the bill.

user1483387154 · 20/06/2017 16:44

Personally I wouldnt until the debts you have are paid off. Making overpayments each month is saving you a lot of money and getting rid of your debt quicker.
Once your debts are gone then absolutely encourage him to get something just for him, as long as it doesn't put you in debt again or put too much pressure on him to work extra/longer hours.

coffeemachine · 20/06/2017 16:47

alittle
she probably has an appealing credit history and instead of working on things she just keeps spending huge sums she doesn't have. No responsible lender would give her any penny.

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 16:47

You do know that money on credit cards isn't your money? You don't have 800 pounds to spend. Why would you even try to persuade your husband to spend money you don't actually have on something he doesn't need.

If you really cared about him being happy you would do everything you could to support him in paying this debt off asap so that he can make some choices that he wants to make such as not doing all this overtime.

You really seem oblivious to what makes for a good and healthy relationship. All the fucking guitars in the world can't make this up to him.

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 16:52

Coffee actually her credit rating will probably be better than someone like jemima who has never had credit, because by using credit and paying it off, as long as she's making the minimum payments, as on paper she's showing she's a responsible borrower. Jemima would be less likely to get credit at a low interest rate because she would have no credit rating so the lender wouldn't be able to assess the level of risk.

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 16:52

Chickrock I thing your bang on the nail. This poor husband is trapped between a nasty rock and a very hard place. He probably knows that if he doesn't shell out this 800 pounds then the OP is perfectly capable of just going behind his back and blowing the money on something else that's totally unnecessary. And he's probably worried sick that if he disappoints the OP by saying no then she'll be really upset and god knows what she'll do to cheer herself up. The poor man can't win it must be a dreadful situation to find yourself trapped in Sad

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 16:55

Jemima does your husband have a problem with spending? Is this why you're projecting all over this thread? Because it's easier to attack op than it is to deal with whatever problem you've got on your own life?

deplorabelle · 20/06/2017 16:55

Right I've read down till it got too bunfighty so apologies if anyone else has said exactly this. A brand brand new guitar of the "dream guitar" type will often need setting up (someone working on it to iron out tiny imperfections of manufacture). They can also - even expensive dream guitars - have things like rubbish strings and cheap pickups to increase profit margin so a newly purchased guitar wouldn't necessarily be an off the shelf solution. Getting some work done on his existing one or possibly buying a second hand one set up to his spec (perhaps some things changed for new) would be a more sensible purchase and because it is sensible your dh less likely to back out or feel guilty

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 16:59

Alittlepotofrosie, why would you think I don't have a mortgage or have never taken out a loan.? I have an excellent credit rating because I have never got myself hopelessly in debt and have always paid my ccs off in full every month. My mortgage will be paid off in just under 5 years.

I would have thought I would be the better person to take sensible financial advice from rather than people encouraging the OP to just blow more money they don't have on stuff they don't need.

Obviously the OPs debts can't be easily manageable otherwise her husband wouldn't have to be working dozens of hours of overtime every week to pay them off.

peachgreen · 20/06/2017 16:59

*It's not money we don't have.
*
OP, in the kindest way possible: until you've paid off that debt, ALL money is money you don't have. It's just that you have to pay your bills and feed your family so essentials get prioritised above the debt. Then comes the debt. Once that's paid off, you can save enough to buy your husband a new guitar. But why extend the length of time you're in debt and incur additional interest for a luxury?

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 17:06

OP I really am sorry if you think I have been aggressive towards you as it really wasn't my intention and I hope that you can work out a compromise with your husband over the guitar. Perhaps you could widow shop for the perfect guitar this Saturday and pay a small deposit to secure it, then go back in a couple of month's time to actually buy it when you have paid off the rest of these debts.

I genuinely think that would be the most sensible and kindest thing you could do for your husband.

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 17:07

Im assumed based on the fact that you're being so fucking awful to the op that you've never had credit and therefore you're safe up there in your ivory tower. So if its not that, I'm curious why are you putting so much effort into attacking someone with MH problems who you don't even know over something that has no effect on you whatsoever?

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 17:08

I have a mortgage, and a perfect credit score.

The 'additional' interest incurred would be negligible. The length of extra time would be one month.

And again, I'm not sure why you think I'm NOT doing everything I can to support him and pay the debt off.

OP posts:
Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 17:12

Oh and the debt has always been perfectly manageable, if not ideal. He's been working the overtime because he saw an opportunity to pay it off in months rather than years. Which is great, but I don't see why he needs to plough all of it into debt I ran up and have nothing for himself. We can do both, pay the debts off and buy a guitar, I just think it would be nice for him to have his guitar before his big run of gigs rather than after.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 20/06/2017 17:19

That sounds reasonable, OP. Sorry you've had a shit time on this thread, there are still a lot of very poor attitudes to mental illness.

peachgreen · 20/06/2017 17:21

The fact that you haven't listened to a single contrary opinion sets alarm bells ringing for me, OP. But it's your choice, and your husband's. I do think it's wrong of you to be pushing the issue with him though, given he's already backed out of buying one himself.

Butterymuffin · 20/06/2017 17:26

Perhaps it would give him more pleasure to pay the debt off than to buy another guitar before he's done that. I think peach has a point. It should be his choice.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 17:28

It is his choice.

It was his idea. I just know that he is likely to need a nudge.

When he didn't buy one before, we had no debt, and we had the cash. But he balked at spending so much on something just for him and said it could wait. That was something like five years ago.

I didn't intend to bully him into a purchase he wants nothing to do with. I just think it's a great idea and want to make sure he goes through with it.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 20/06/2017 17:30

"Here you go love, here's a gift for you that you'll have to pay for by working your bollocks off in overtime".

Yes, great idea, so thoughtful, kind and generous.

Chillyegg · 20/06/2017 17:41

Is it possible that you could get a job and pay for the guitar as a suprise? I think id hold off with the purchase of a flashy guitar, purely because itll probbaly cause your dh more stress in the long term and extra weeks of slog to make up the lost ot rather than make him feel better. I get what you mean about him having a treat. But it wouldn't really be a treat for him it would be money spent on something that would cause him more stress. I do get you were ill but tbh i think you need to recognise what alot of the pisters are saying

BadHatter · 20/06/2017 17:42

What have you personally done to pay off the debt you caused? Have you been selling the items you bought to recoup some cost? Did you get a job to contribute financially?

MH issues or not, you are an adult who set your family back. That 25k would have been better invested elsewhere.

Does your husband resent you for your actions or does he think the BJs are worth the 25k?