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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DH to buy a guitar?

158 replies

EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 09:09

I'll try to add as much context as I can without dripfeeding.

We had credit card debts of about £25k, mainly from me being ill and overspending every month as well as making wild big purchases. All under control now and we were paying it off, albeit slowly.

Since the end of January DH has been doing an extra 20-25 hrs a week in overtime. Mainly because he's at the end of a big project, but also in part to pay off the debt, he'd have to have done some anyway but not quite this much.

We've now more than halved the debt (its less than £10k now) and the remainder is on a low cost loan.

Dh desperately needs a new guitar. He is a musician in his spare (ha!) time and plays regular gigs. His guitar is over twenty years old and he is constantly fixing it. He was supposed to buy a new one a few years ago but the cash earmarked for it got absorbed into other things.

He has made noises about using this month's OT to buy a new one. I think this is a fabulous idea. But I know him, and I am pretty sure he'll change his mind. He is very frugal and never really buys himself anything unless I force the issue.

So WIBU to really push this? Or even to find one he likes and just buy it for him? He's looked at ones in the shops before for £1500-£2500, which is still less than he'll get this month. I just think he needs something to show for his hard work other than paying off my debts.

He still has a good few months OT to go so the debt will be pretty much cleared by then anyway, but he has lots of gigs in July/August so I want him to have it before then.

AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
Dadstheworld · 20/06/2017 12:21

I wouldn't buy him one, He needs to choose one that fits him and suits his playing style.

The fact he gigs and probably means he's pretty hard on his instrument, spending more on a solid model makes more sense.

But this feels like something he should take the lead on, given your issues with money and spending.

caffeinestream · 20/06/2017 12:23

I think you need to respect his decision to wait and not try and push him into a purchase he's not entirely comfortable with.

You were obviously very ill and while I'm glad your better, you need to pay off your debt before you make any more big purchases. Your husband obviously earns good money so being in that kind of debt must have been a big shock for him - I know you say it's down to under 10k now but that's still a fair bit of money to owe people.

Focus on paying off the debt - use the overtime to clear it asap and cut up the credit cards! You can't spend on them if they don't exist so just get rid of them. Once it's cleared, then he can go out and buy the guitar of his dreams but I think you really need to be debt-free first.

You don't seem to be taking it very seriously and I would bet your husband is more stressed about it than he's letting on. Being in debt is miserable and not a position most people are happy to be in.

ThanksMsMay · 20/06/2017 12:27

Op do you actually want opinions?Hmm

^The last thing he needs is you spending even more money on something completely unnecessary

Only a non musician or someone who doesn't live with one would think this is completely unnecessary. To a serious musician you can no more not play your instrument than you can eat.

Bollocks.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 12:34

I did want opinions. Perhaps I was naive but I didn't expect to be told I was ruining my poor husband's life and what an awful person I am.

OP posts:
VeryButchyRestingFace · 20/06/2017 12:41

Perhaps I was naive but I didn't expect to be told I was ruining my poor husband's life and what an awful person I am.

Come now, that isn't what ppl are saying.

Kezi4 · 20/06/2017 12:41

Plenty of people aren't saying that, Essie Grin

However, they're all saying YABU to 'convince' him to buy a guitar. Hopefully you can understand why.

Didiusfalco · 20/06/2017 12:46

Ignoring the financial ins and outs of this, £2.5k is a bonkers amount for an amateur who is not loaded to spend on a guitar. Why doesn't he look at the second hand market? Guitars that are well looked after are going to still play great (possibly better because they've been played in) after many years and he could get something really nice for £500.

heateallthebuns · 20/06/2017 12:51

You say your previous debt was due to illness; but the idea of spending so much before the debts are paid off seems to be the same pattern of behaviour. I doubt he'd be as pleased by the purchase as you think.

Joey7t8 · 20/06/2017 12:51

Don't buy him a guitar. All the guitarists I know will spend hours playing dozens of guitars in several music shops until they find one that feels and plays just right for them. The chances of you picking THE guitar for him are slim.

However, I don't see a problem with the principle of him spending this month's OT on a new guitar, if you're going in the right direction with the debt repayment in general. I assume he earns a bit of beer money with his weekend gigs as well.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 12:55

I'd massively over estimated what he would spend in the OP, I've just asked him and he said anything up to about £800.

I had no intention of picking one for him, I'd have no idea. But I did think of maybe sneakily paying for it if he wimps out again.

Yes, gig money is a useful extra, usually pays for meals out with the kids and other fun stuff. I'd like him to see his OT, or a tiny portion of it, as similar.

I think he's quite keen on the idea anyway, I've just told him I've arranged childcare for Saturday so we can go looking.

OP posts:
AnUtterIdiot · 20/06/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liminality · 20/06/2017 12:58

Last time he looked he wimped out at the till.

I was actually kind on your side until this.
I think you have spending problems. Lots of people decide to take big purchases slow. Not just becuase they cost a lot, but also because they are personal, especially with a favourite instrument, and it's totally normal to change your mind a half dozen or more times, just like Joey said above.

If you want to spoil him, why not practice non-money oriented things for a while. Picnics, favours, cool adventures (cheap ones!).
As some one who is also really bad with cash, I recognise lots of what you said. You know, it's normal for us to want to 'spoil' ourselves with cash. But not everyone thinks that is an automatic thrill.

He didn't wimp out. He changed his mind. For some reason you are equating frivolous spending with what, masculinity or pleaseure or something a little off. Your attitude kinda sucks, sorry.

ImperialBlether · 20/06/2017 12:58

But £190 for 24 months is less than £5,000. Your figures are out.

I think you just want to buy something and think that if you buy something for your husband, it doesn't matter as much. Of course it does - he's got to work to pay it off.

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 13:01

Oh the loan might be 4 years then. I've no idea, he sorted it.

It's really not about me spending. He has needed a new guitar for years and has always put it on the back burner for something else. He can now easily afford it and I would like him to go for it.

OP posts:
Nonagoninfinity · 20/06/2017 13:01

I agree with Joey, please don't buy him a guitar, in the nicest possible way, you said up thread that you know nothing about them... if he's a true guitar geek he'll understably want to chose one for himself.

I also agree that there is absolutely NO need to spend that amount of money. Having been married to a guitarist for yonks, who plays in a band and has a lovely collection of guitars; I can honestly say that's fantasy guitar territory for most musicians! Spend half that and it won't be a compromise!

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 13:02

Also, he wouldn't have to work to pay it off, it would be a cash purchase out of his earnings. All it means is we don't make a bonus overpayment to the loan.

OP posts:
Kezi4 · 20/06/2017 13:02

I have a couple of friends like you and your DH, Essie . She's great fun, flighty, beautiful, fiercely loyal, tenacious and highly attuned to her emotions. He's calm, responsible, kind, caring and considerate. It's in no way an equal relationship, but they're both very much in love, and the whole 'opposites attract' thing works for them.

I'm sure the dynamic works for you and your DH, and you will forge ahead with whatever you want, and he'll follow.

Nonagoninfinity · 20/06/2017 13:03

Cross post, I see you've lowered the amount!

Original poster
EssieTregowan · 20/06/2017 13:03

Yes I've realised now that the ones he showed me were in dream guitar territory. I must admit I had kind of tuned out after the fifth one. Grin

OP posts:
DuggeeHugs · 20/06/2017 13:06

Personally I'd pay the debt off first, but if you are looking for a guitar then maybe look around the £300 - £500 mark, with another £200 on a decent second-hand amp. Getting the sound right doesn't mean needing an expensive guitar - getting the right amp and setting both up properly could give him a good sound without spending thousands.

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/06/2017 13:18

I agree with looking at second hand ones. For £500-£800 he will be able to get an amazing guitar. I'm of the school of thought that debt isn't a massive problem as long as its managed and is being paid off, low/no interest etc. If i was in your shoes id also encourage my dh to treat himself. But i once started a thread under a different name re my (manageable) debt on mumsnet before just looking for a few tips on minimising interest and i got my arse absolutely handed to me. Meh. Life is for living. If you're near London head off to denmark street. Loads of guitar shops there.

pigeondujour · 20/06/2017 13:39

Not sure it's fair to be talking about "your attitude to money got you into this" and "you don't get to spend your husband's money right now".

OP, you'll both feel so much better if you wait til the debt is paid off then get it him. It will feel such a reward.

OptimisticOllie · 20/06/2017 13:43

So you're not sure whether your five-figure debt will be paid off in three months or four years (quite a difference), and you think it's ok to add another £2,500 to the figure?

Wow. Just, wow.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/06/2017 14:00

I have bipolar, I understand the manic need to spend.

But this is that; dressed differently. You won't see it because you're in it, but it is. It's trying to reach that thrill from spending.

Are you still getting MH help? A

JemimaCuddleFuck · 20/06/2017 14:04

I can't believe you still think it's fine to put pressure on him to buy a new guitar. You do know that even if he agrees he's only doing it to please you and because he's probably worried sick that you''ll just go and blow even more money on something else.

You sound like you're living in cloud cuckoo land and you don't even seem to have the basic grasp of your finances or what's owed where or when. But I suppose that's the luxury of squandering money that isn't yours and that you don't even have to pay back.

It doesn't matter how much great fun, flighty, beautiful, fiercely loyal, tenacious and highly attuned to her emotions you think you are bcause in reality what you are doing is really shitty. Real grown up love isn't about throwing caution to the wind and running up huge debts in pursuit of being fabulolus. It's about pulling together and working together and not being so ridiculously reckless with money that your other half has to work hours and hours of overtime to pay of your debts.

You sound just like my DB's ex, who thought that buying my DN expensive Lelli Kelly shoes or taking her to DLP on the spur of the moment made up for the fact that her Mum always forgot it was sports day and never managed to have clean school uniform ready. The expensive treats weren't what my DN needed at all, she needed a Mum who was prepared to handle the mundane daily stuff not a showy offy older sister type as a Mum.