Aibu to be upset? Best man's partner

[BluebellUK]

I had the worst time at a family wedding on Saturday. I can't get it out of my head. My partner of 12 years was best man for his brother. I expected to be seated with aunties/cousins etc as one of the groom's cousins is my best pal. Got to the seating plan and found I was at table 10, which was in the other room from the top table and contained 7 total strangers. Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started... Had to scurry off upstairs to our room to calm down.

When I got back my partner's cousin had moved my place setting next to him and his wife. Argument with the waiter later and that's where I sat.

Bride and groom didn't speak to me the whole day, didn't wait for requested photographs.

My wrong surname problem strikes again? I'm being totally irrational and shouldn't have been seated with extended family?

Bloody hell Hilda! I'm hoping you just missed the post about OP just leaving a psychiatric ward?
OP. Maybe they put you at that table because they'd put lots of people your age there and they thought you might get on with them? the fun tables are usually at the back at weddings. They might have thought they were doing the right thing. They absolutely should have considered your recent health problems but maybe they just got wrapped up in the wedding preparation and didn't really think.
Has your partner been open with his brother about how ill you have been? Maybe the bride and groom weren't aware of the likely implications of sitting you there. If they weren't completely aware of the problem then it probably came across as quite rude to change seats. Did anyone explain it to them?
I hope you're feeling ok now. Please ignore the rude posts

I don't think YABU, as family I would be expecting to sit with family especially if my DH was helping elsewhere.

However I wonder if it was a mix up? At my wedding I had a table of 8 women and another of 8 men (their DPs) as the venue printed the table plan incorrectly. Is it possible that similarly happened in your case?

Perhaps as Barees said they added you at the end because they didn't know whether or not you'd be available. Looking at it from their point of view, it will have been difficult to know what to do with your place setting and they just popped you there and forgot about you without malicious intent. They also don't know you that well and perhaps don't understand your mh problems and the impact of seating you with strangers. If you just left the mental health unit, they won't necessarily have thought "oh Bluebell is coming, best rearrange the seating plan". They will have been busy with final prep, excitement and looking forward to the honeymoon.

I sympathise with OP.

It's entirely possible that the table she was on would be better 'craic' than some of the family ones but it must feel horrid to be thought of as a 'stranger' rather than as one of the family.

I'm that situation I'd be expecting to be seated with family, or as part of a group of 'spouses/partners of the top table bods', not in another room altogether.

YANBU OP. At my brother's wedding there were tables that seated 8 or 10 people alternating. My husband and I were put at a table of 10, all the bride's family, who all ignored us. Meanwhile my family were at an 8 persons table next to us. I'm pretty sure it was payback for her not being seated at the top table at our wedding- she was placed with family (including her partner!) and mutual friends... I didn't say anything, but it really spoiled the day for me.

Maybe they felt the quieter room would suit you better given you don't seem to like big occasions.

The photo thing is a red herring, I only had BF/GFs in the large group photos not family ones. Lots do the same.

Hi OP, just wanted to say you actually did really well to go at all bearing in mind your recent (to the event) I'll health. I am in a similar position, and can't imagine I would have coped at all.

Shouting at waiters is not ideal, but anxiety makes you get defensive, you can't help it. I've been mega defensive on occasion, embarrassing. Xx

OP, I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling and that you didn't have a good time at the wedding, however with the best will in the world, what stands out from your posts is I think going forward it won't matter much as we live really far away from them and I don't bother with either much.

If you don't bother with them then I don't think you can really be surprised or upset they didn't bother about you. Sorry.

Yanbu - my hubby was best man at best friends wedding and bride and groom asked him where I wanted to sit so I would feel comfortable and I sat between two lovely people on a table next to thee top table.
I'm sorry the same wasn't offered to you - it was not thoughtful of them. But please put it behind you now and move on.

But Fenella, maybe the OP doesn't bother with them because they don't bother with her. We don't know.

There are certain posters on here that I remember as they are ALWAYS spiteful and nasty.
Never ceases to amaze me how they all pop up on the MH threads too. It's bloody appalling.

WellErrr I think they just like to shit stir. I just wish they would do it on a more lighthearted thread. Either that or they really are a nasty piece of work and don't care that these threads are started by real people with real problems.

That sounds rubbish for you.

There have been similar arrangements when my DH has been best man, it's not a great role to be partner or wife of best man (or of bridesmaid I suppose.)

Twenty years in and I am either more accepted by DH's mum and brother oOR my not caring any more has neutralised the situation. Probably both.

You think it was the illness talking and yet you still managed to give the OP a good kicking. Well done you!

Difficult one. Yes, I can see it's upsetting not to be sitting where you expected, but I do think it rude for your partner's cousin to have changed the seating order, regardless of the circumstance and that obviously inflamed the situation with the bride and groom.

By implication, the B&G have behaved badly towards the OP on purpose. It's quite possible the OP isn't foremost in their mind.

Maria Take the OP's mental health out of the equation. I just can't imagine any wedding where the groom's sister in law of 12 years would be placed on a table in another room and sat with non-family members. I genuinely can't. The fact they aren't actually married in this day and age is irrelevant.

Maria not everyone is great thrown into a group of people they don't know. I'm one of them. So I would find it difficult. I would have sat there saying very little I suspect. But if it were clearly malicious, which is perfectly possible reading between the lines, I'm not sure I would just forget about my family (albeit not blood related) treating me like that.

However, there is clearly more going on. The groom's mother thought it out of order. The fact the OP wondered if it's "wrong surname again" suggests there is an issue with the family over her not being married to the best man. The fact that a cousin was able to move a place so that she could sit next to them suggests they too are either aware of some history or thought it was unfair. It's not even clear that the argument with the waiter was caused by the OP. If i was the best man, I'd have been seriously pissed off that my brother and his wife felt so little of my 12-year relationship that they had put her so far away.

I realise seating plans are a nightmare but clearly other things are at play here.

ShatnersWig some families are clannish.

My neice ( or should I say my husband's neice?!) told me as an 8 year old that I wasn't her proper aunty. This makes no sense in the family I was brought up in but in my DH's it is par for the course.

I wish I could spell niece!

Why does my auto spell checker not sort that?!