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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset? Best man's partner

174 replies

BluebellUK · 19/06/2017 11:49

I had the worst time at a family wedding on Saturday. I can't get it out of my head. My partner of 12 years was best man for his brother. I expected to be seated with aunties/cousins etc as one of the groom's cousins is my best pal. Got to the seating plan and found I was at table 10, which was in the other room from the top table and contained 7 total strangers. Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started... Had to scurry off upstairs to our room to calm down.

When I got back my partner's cousin had moved my place setting next to him and his wife. Argument with the waiter later and that's where I sat.

Bride and groom didn't speak to me the whole day, didn't wait for requested photographs.

My wrong surname problem strikes again? I'm being totally irrational and shouldn't have been seated with extended family?

OP posts:
Beeswax2017 · 19/06/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 19/06/2017 13:13

As for the B&G not speaking to you...
It was a big wedding, yes?
(based on you being on a table of 8 in a second room)

I had 110 at my first wedding, approx 80 were important to me. No offence to th other 30 - business or family contacts of XH who I'd never met.

Trust me, you have very little time with anyone.
My priorities to make a beeline and speak to were:

  • long distance guests
  • socially awkward guests
  • guests who were on their own but I thought would cope OK
  • my besties!
  • everyone else

Add in that you can get pulled from pillar to post just as you're heading for someone, I think it's quite possible they didn't ignore you all day. They were busy. And you probably gave off a massive "fuck off" vibe.

You didn't stay for photos - when were they supposed to talk to you?

It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder that you're not married to the best man. If you want to be, ask him. If you don't - dust that chip off.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 13:14

you could have said something or requested something before the big day.

Then the OP would be described as a diva for doing that.

pringlecat · 19/06/2017 13:14

You could have handled this better, but after 12 years, you should have been on a family table near the top table. What does your partner think?

notafish · 19/06/2017 13:16

It sounds like there is more to this since you say the bride and groom did not talk to you all day as well as putting you on a table of lower importance - which might be typical if you are the girlfriend of the best man and not family - when you are a long term partner of the groom's brother. Are you often excluded from your DP's family?

I think if you're the type of person who finds it easy to talk to strangers then you might not realise how unnerving it is for more introverted or anxious people. I think I too would have felt tears pricking at the back of my eyes if I learnt I was sat with only strangers at the moment of sitting down. If I had been forewarned then I'd have made the best of it.

Inertia · 19/06/2017 13:17

Given that you clearly have anxiety-related medical problems, it was really your partner's responsibility to check the seating arrangements on your behalf.

Do your BIL / SIL realise the extent of your anxiety, or do they think you are putting it on?

nina2b · 19/06/2017 13:18

I think etiquette is there for a purpose: it is helpful. Doing it your way for your 110, or whatever, guests is going to be fraught with issues. But some people always feel they know best.Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/06/2017 13:19

It sounds as though you needed support for a difficult day and didn't get it. You say the b&g didn't speak to you. Did you go over to them and congratulate them? As a guest, i believe that is our role.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 13:19

Does the two room situation just not really dilute the atmosphere?

Ohyesiam · 19/06/2017 13:23

Sorry you struggled with this op.
It was thoughtless of them, but it is just then being a bit useless socially, and not a judgement on you. For eg if someone was to judge me for being fat, that is about them, and doesn't affect me.

It sound like quite a big wedding, so I doubt the not talking to you was deliberate.

Don't take it to heart, keep on working on your mental health, and keep on meditating. It sorted my mh problems out.
Flowers

WaitingfortheMiracle · 19/06/2017 13:36

The bride and groom chose a traditional seating arrangement for the top table. I doubt that any insult or malice was intended to you. The meal takes up such a small part of the day, then all guests are free to meet, chat & sometimes, to form stronger family/friendship bonds.

Regrettably, I feel your actions may have spoiled their day, and may impact your relationship with the family in the future. Can you discuss this with your partner & decide on a way forward to make you feel more accepted & try to repair the damage?
The wedding is only one day, but family are for a lifetime...

nokidshere · 19/06/2017 13:49

I think it's incredibly rude to put a member of your family on a table with people they don't know.

Maybe if it were a new relationship but this isn't. 12 years is (should be) the same as being a family member and expect to be treated as such. I would be pissed off too.

banksidediva · 19/06/2017 13:50

I think this was a very thoughtless as best on the part of Bride and Groom , the OP is not suggesting that she should have been at the top table just that it would have be nice to include her in a family table - she right after 12 years with her DP a like courtesy toward her would have been nice.

grannytomine · 19/06/2017 13:53

WaitingfortheMiracle, the OP didn't say she expected to be seated with her partner or at the top table. She expected to be treated like family which doesn't seem unreasonable at all.

confusedat23 · 19/06/2017 13:54

Hey OP if it makes you feel any better me Ex-DP was Best man for a wedding and I was not even invited! (We had been together 4 years and we owned a house together). Some people just do not think when they put these things together!

mouldycheesefan · 19/06/2017 14:05

If it takes anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation just to get dressed then presumably anything that doesn't go completely to plan can knock the op off kilter cue running away, crying, arguing. It must be very difficult to live like that op. 💐

facedontfit · 19/06/2017 14:05

YANBU

It would have been good manners to put guests with people they know, especially someone on their own, rathe than in the wilderness with strangers. Also showing a massive lack of respect to your partner knowing he would be unavailable to you for part of the day. Good on the cousin!

GreenTulips · 19/06/2017 14:07

the wedding is only one day, family are for a lifetime ...

Which applies equally to the bride and groom

Chloe84 · 19/06/2017 14:08

I can see why OP was hurt.

It's obvious the B&G or family knew they messed up, because they moved OP when OP left to have a cry.

They didn't speak to OP all day because they were shown up for what they did.

MrsPorth · 19/06/2017 14:18

It was discourteous to treat you as a casual girlfriend but you should have risen above it, tried to be friendly to the people on your table, and avoided embarrassing yourself by squabbling with a waiter.

WizardOfToss · 19/06/2017 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/06/2017 14:39

As someone who suffers greatly with social anxiety and an almost complete inability to talk to complete strangers, i can understand this being a big deal for you.

It certainly does seem incredibly cruel that when you're practically their sister in law you were put so out of the way.

I've only been to weddings as a child, where i was always sat with both my parents and sister, including the one where i was my aunts bridesmaid. I genuinely would have thought it was custom to sit couples and families together.

Thinking about it now, i can understand a couple only wanting those who are parents/siblings/bridesmaids/best man sitting on the top table with them, but if it meant a partner was left sitting alone with people they don't know well i would have the respective bridal party member with their partner and not on the top table.

Just because everyone knows the bride and/or groom, doesn't mean they all know or get on with each other, even if they're family.

I find it hard to believe there was absolutely nowhere else to put you when they sat down and planned seating. Even if they forgot you when doing the family tables they could surely have moved people around a little bit to make room when they realised.

Was there an empty seat by the cousin that you could have been seated with from the beginning, did they all budge up round the table to add an extra seat (say, adding a 7th round a standard 6 place setting table) or did they bump somebody else off their table to acomodate you instead? That would speak volumes to me about the B and G's initial intentions, and would also explain why they may have ignored you out of anger.

TheHiphopopotamus · 19/06/2017 14:54

I'm with you OP, I think that was shit. I don't think you were expecting to be seated at the top table, just not in another room with and assorted other random people.

FWIW, my brother did this to me at his wedding. I wouldn't have minded quite so much, but they got married in SIL's hometown and it cost us about £1500 to stay there, presents etc. Then we just got shoved in a corner in the back of the room for the reception with no one we knew. Of course all her relatives were seated altogether right at the front. Not that I'm bitter or anything Grin

LadyinCement · 19/06/2017 15:05

As someone who in real life is very shy and awkward, I would have nearly cried if someone who was supposed to sit next to me made a huge fuss and stormed off. How rude and thoughtless to the other guests who were on the "randoms" table.

There was a thread ages ago on MN with people trumpeting about moving name cards at weddings etc so they could sit with who they liked and they insisted on sitting next to their dhs, not even across the same table. No thought of course about the person who found their place card had been thrust aside.

TieGrr · 19/06/2017 15:13

As someone who in real life is very shy and awkward, I would have nearly cried if someone who was supposed to sit next to me made a huge fuss and stormed off. How rude and thoughtless to the other guests who were on the "randoms" table.

Seating plans for weddings are usually placed on a stand before you enter the room. I took it that the OP saw the seating plan, then went upstairs - rather than walking to the table, looking at the other people sitting there before storming off.