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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset? Best man's partner

174 replies

BluebellUK · 19/06/2017 11:49

I had the worst time at a family wedding on Saturday. I can't get it out of my head. My partner of 12 years was best man for his brother. I expected to be seated with aunties/cousins etc as one of the groom's cousins is my best pal. Got to the seating plan and found I was at table 10, which was in the other room from the top table and contained 7 total strangers. Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started... Had to scurry off upstairs to our room to calm down.

When I got back my partner's cousin had moved my place setting next to him and his wife. Argument with the waiter later and that's where I sat.

Bride and groom didn't speak to me the whole day, didn't wait for requested photographs.

My wrong surname problem strikes again? I'm being totally irrational and shouldn't have been seated with extended family?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 19/06/2017 15:26

Your treatment both as the best man's partner and especially as, effectively, the SIL of the groom was not good at all, YANBU to be annoyed or offended by it. You've been with your partner for 12 years,that's longer than many marriages last, to treat you as though you weren't family was bad. I can see why it would hurt. YANBU to be upset. Being unable to suck it up at the time was also pretty poor though. It sounds like you have a lot of problems that may have made that difficult for you, so I'm not sure how U your behaviour was, but it can't have been pleasant for the guests on the table you were assigned to, or for any of the other guests who witnessed it. Generally at a wedding, whatever the slight, you suck it up and make the best of it. Then take action after if any is warranted.

MariafromMalmo · 19/06/2017 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 15:42

Is there really any need to be quite so mean Maria?

Your reaction sounds a bit OTT to be honest. Can you relate?

Bluerose27 · 19/06/2017 15:49

That's so rude of them. Yes it's their wedding but they have a responsibility to make their guests feel comfortable.
When we got married we made sure the bridesmaid and best man's partners were sitting with friends. And one of my bil had a recent girlfriend who knew nobody so we put her at the top table with us.
We spent so long making sure people would be beside friends and where groups had to mix for numbers reasons we chose the chattiest most social people to be beside each other but they had other friends too.

That was really not nice of the bride and groom to put you at a table of strangers

kali110 · 19/06/2017 15:50

I can understand the anxiety but i think you've massively overreacted and i don't blame them for not speaking to you.
If you argued with a waiter it probably caused a bit of a scene.
I've sat at a wedding with people i didn't know before.
I did it because it was inportant to the bride and groom.
It was for the mean and speeches, then i was with my friends.
Will this impact your relationship with your b&sil now? Think that mAy be more inportant.

Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 15:52

OP hasn't been back. We don't know what the "back story" is with respect to her relationship with her DP's brother and his bride or the family.

MariafromMalmo · 19/06/2017 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BluebellUK · 19/06/2017 16:02

Just to wrap this up.

Yes, many of you realised the serious mental health problems. Thank you for your kind words. Those of you who told me to suck it up - with all my heart I wish I could but I can't dictate my mood the same way I can't order the weather. I was released from inpatient psychiatric care just before the wedding, clearly DP and I wrongly assumed that the b&g would cater for that.

My MIL has phoned this morning and is very disappointed in the groom for not making sure I was seated near family as he rightly wanted his brother at the top table. She's also disappointed at the lack of photos of the brothers and the four of us.

I think going forward it won't matter much as we live really far away from them and I don't bother with either much. We live near MOG, FOG, granny, extended family.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 19/06/2017 16:06

Maybe they were trying to keep you as far away as possible so they wouldn't be disturbed as you made your little scene. Which they obviously expected. They probably ignored you because they didn't want you ruining their day with your drama.

Honestly, if you can cause drama at someone else's wedding then you probably have a reputation going back years for atrocious behaviour. There'll come a time when people will just stop inviting you regardless of how they may not want to hurt your partner.

Doobigetta · 19/06/2017 16:06

YANBU. I always think the best man and maid of honour get a crap deal at weddings, having to sit on the top table. Who ever wants to sit with someone else's parents, instead of their own partner and friends? And it's even worse for their partners if they don't know anyone else there. I'm planning my wedding at the moment, and this is one of the reasons we're not having a top table.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 16:09

Jesus Hilda have some bloody sensitivity.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 16:10

'I was released from inpatient psychiatric care just before the wedding, clearly DP and I wrongly assumed that the b&g would cater for that.'

I know it's easier said than done but try and put the whole episode behind you. Don't let it derail your recovery.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 19/06/2017 16:15

Don't be upset that you weren't in enough photos or that they didn't speak to you much on the day.

If they wanted lots of family photos then they should have told the photographer. It's down to the photographer or best man/bridesmaid not them. Maybe they just weren't organised enough to realise that they'd need someone to be "on" the photos.

I got all the random permutations of family photos I requested, but what I realised after my wedding was that there were very few photos of me and DH together (except posed group shots) and none of just us two.

I barely spoke to him all day - let alone much to any of the guests. I hope none were offended.

It's a shame you were put on a table you were uncomfortable with. It's great that your partner's cousin sorted it out so you were more comfy.

I appreciate that you have your MH issues, I guess maybe the bride and groom didn't realise what would trigger these.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. It was a day, it's done now, focus on the future.

HildaOg · 19/06/2017 16:15

Scrump; why? Shes an adult who was seated far away so she wouldn't ruin their wedding with her bad behaviour. She tried her best to ruin it anyway. That's just selfish. If she feel she can't behave well then she should have had the consideration to stay away.

People only behave like this because everyone walks on eggshells around them. At some point, everyone will get sick of it and stop. Then op will be left tantruming to herself. Better to wake up now and recognise that the whole world - and other peoples weddings - doesn't revolve around her.

LadyinCement · 19/06/2017 16:15

Well, then, Bluebell, in the light of your latest post I would blame your partner for not smoothing your path, and finding out where you were going to be sitting and if you were going to be able to manage.

CaptainBraandPants · 19/06/2017 16:16

Fucking hell Hilda, I hope that was a cross post. Otherwise you are acting like a callous bitch.

MariafromMalmo · 19/06/2017 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 16:16

Hilda go boil your miserable head.

CaptainBraandPants · 19/06/2017 16:16

Oh, I see. Callous bitch then.

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2017 16:17

Hilda what a horrible, nasty post fuelled by your own imagination.

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2017 16:20

Then op will be left tantruming to herself

There really are no words for this. I knew people with such negative and ignorant views on mental illness existed sadly but just didnt expect to see someone equating it to "tantrums" on here.

madcatwoman61 · 19/06/2017 16:22

Unless you specifically asked them, with clear explanations, why would you assume that the bride and groom would have catered for your mental health problems? Unless you are particularly close to them they might have no idea what you need to be able to survive the wedding. Perhaps since you were only just out of hospital it might have been better not to go if you were finding it so difficult to cope. Wedding guests are there to celebrate the marriage of the bride and groom and if you are not, for whatever reason, able to do that without getting yourself in a state it's probably better not to go

HildaOg · 19/06/2017 16:22

It's nasty to try to ruin someones wedding by making up a big drama all about you. She asked why she was seated so far away, they were obviously trying to contain her. What else could they have done? They had a choice, let her ruin the wedding, try to contain her or not invite her at all. They choose number two. She's complaining they didn't go for number one.

My sympathy is with the bride and groom.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/06/2017 16:22

TantrumHmm

deffoncforthis · 19/06/2017 16:22

Perhaps he anticipated you having an emotional disturbance, so put you somewhere where it couldn't spoil the wedding and he/the happy couple didn't have to deal with it whilst they were trying to do the weddingy stuff.

Even if he is very sympathetic to you and loves you, it is completely understandable to not make a friend's wedding day revolve around you to prove it.

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