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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset? Best man's partner

174 replies

BluebellUK · 19/06/2017 11:49

I had the worst time at a family wedding on Saturday. I can't get it out of my head. My partner of 12 years was best man for his brother. I expected to be seated with aunties/cousins etc as one of the groom's cousins is my best pal. Got to the seating plan and found I was at table 10, which was in the other room from the top table and contained 7 total strangers. Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started... Had to scurry off upstairs to our room to calm down.

When I got back my partner's cousin had moved my place setting next to him and his wife. Argument with the waiter later and that's where I sat.

Bride and groom didn't speak to me the whole day, didn't wait for requested photographs.

My wrong surname problem strikes again? I'm being totally irrational and shouldn't have been seated with extended family?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2017 12:16

Should

LadyinCement · 19/06/2017 12:17

It was a bit off to sit you away from the main party, but running away was a) attention seeking and b) insulting to the other people at the table. I'd have been crushed if someone who was supposed to have been sitting next to me charged off.

I had this at bil and sil's wedding. I had known dh far longer than sil had known bil, but I was placed in a distant orbit. Dh saw the seating plan before the wedding and insisted I was upgraded to sit with Auntie Freda and cousin Ethel et al. Frankly I think I'd rather have taken my chances with the odds and sods seated by the toilets.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 19/06/2017 12:18

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. It's their problem and says a lot more about them and their narrow attitudes to others than it does you. You were correct, it was a sleight by them to seat you in a completely different room.
No, obviously you understand you are not part of the bridal party so won't be sitting with your partner, but to be in the same room and at a table with other relatives you know is not too much to ask. Your partners cousin noticed and was bothered about it enough to take action himself and move you closer to him. Your mental health issues don't come into it at all, except perhaps from their side to try to excuse their behaviour towards you, so they can try to minimise and downplay it as you over reacting.
They were shits, just like you think they were.

TheNaze73 · 19/06/2017 12:18

I think for the sake of a couple of hours, at the most boring bit of a wedding, you've been way OTT in your reaction.

Gemini69 · 19/06/2017 12:18

this was an appalling way to treat you having been in this relationship 12 years WTF ... you are NOT over reacting... they have treated you shamefully.. and if you complain they will use your illness as a reasoning for 'your irrationality' ... these people are not your Family.. they have made that pretty clear..

MacarenaFerreiro · 19/06/2017 12:18

I had this once at a wedding when DH was best man for a close friend. He was sitting on the top table next to a 12 year old bridesmaid (he wasn't impressed) and i was stuck on a table with everyone else who had come without partners. It was the worst wedding I've ever been too. Luckily though I teamed up with a woman on the same table who was recently divorced and we got sloshed on vodka and orange.

BloodWorries · 19/06/2017 12:19

Wrong surname as OP isn't married to her DP, so feels excluded from his family (it was OP's DP's brothers wedding after all, not just best man to a friend or something).

It's horrible IMO. Mary might be nice in your opinion, but for many with anxiety this would be a big thing to have to deal with. We all don't like talking to strangers or trying to make new friends...

Madbum · 19/06/2017 12:20

I think wrong surname might allude to the fact that OP doesn't carry the family name as she isn't married to her DP.

TheLambShankRedemption · 19/06/2017 12:21

It was odd to not to sit you with people you knew/with family, and even more so if they are aware of your mental illness. A 12 year relationship is hardly 'plus one' territory.

Having tables for a wedding breakfast in a room other than the main room is completely odd, I've never heard of that before - could the people at the table you were meant to sit with really not see the top table from that location? Shock

Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 12:22

The issue seems to be that OP hoped to be sat with her friend (also her DP's cousin) and the groom's family, and assumed this would happen. And was very unhappy to be seated at a "low status" table with people she didn't know. She/DP didn't check in advance what the seating arrangements would be.

OP now seems to be assuming that the bride and groom's decisions on seating, photos etc were based on her and DP's marital status, which might or might not be the case.

We didn't have any photos with extended family at our wedding and didn't include siblings' partners (married or not) in the few, small group family photos we had. In our case this was due to problems with a particular person, but don't think it's uncommon not to have spouses/partners in photos.

peachgreen · 19/06/2017 12:25

They were definitely being unreasonable but you were also being unreasonable to make such a fuss and move seats.

DooRight · 19/06/2017 12:26

I am afraid that it comes with the territory - Best Man's partner should not expect to be on the top table - but this should have been explained to you long before you got to the venue - good that your cousin's partner helped you out..

Alittlepotofrosie · 19/06/2017 12:27

Your seating arrangements are not the forefront concern on the day they get married. You should have got on with it and sat where you were put.

MariafromMalmo · 19/06/2017 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedSkyAtNight · 19/06/2017 12:29

I suspect there are plenty of people who would have preferred to sat with strangers, who perhaps had common interests or were of similar age/background - rather than be put on a table with their in-laws family! Did whoever made the seating plan know that OP was pally with the groom's cousin?

(Same thing happened to me at a wedding, I much preferred the non-family arrangement!)

TieGrr · 19/06/2017 12:29

Having tables for a wedding breakfast in a room other than the main room is completely odd, I've never heard of that before - could the people at the table you were meant to sit with really not see the top table from that location? shock

My sister's wedding was like this. There were two rooms connected by a large open door. So while everyone could see the top table from where they were, technically not everyone was in the same room.

19lottie82 · 19/06/2017 12:29

I understand why you weren't too happy but I think you could have just sat there for a couple of hours instead of "arguing with a waiter". I can kind of see why the bride and groom were pissed off with you tbh.

BeepBeepMOVE · 19/06/2017 12:30

You were massively unreasonable to move!

Seating plans are a nightmare and they probably thought that as family you'd be okay goin wherever you fit instead of making a massive fuss about having to sit for one dinner without your BFF.

How childish.

YouWouldntLetItLie · 19/06/2017 12:30

Could it be that the bride thought you might have things in common with people on this table which might help them enjoy the day? I've frequently ended up on slightly random tables at weddings because of common hobbies, or similar workplaces, or, in one extreme case 'because you both have dogs'.

I think it's pretty mean to assume there are any 'low status' tables at weddings these days. It all costs way too much to invite people you don't really care about.

BarbarianMum · 19/06/2017 12:30

Well they were rude and you were rude. So now you're even.

greendale17 · 19/06/2017 12:31

You are not overreacting at all

The bride and groom didn't talk to you all day? Extremely rude

Placing you on a table in a different room is not on. It is like they have deliberately excluded you and I would be very hurt

Finola1step · 19/06/2017 12:32

I suspect that this is nothing to do with where the OP was sat. And everything to do with feeling that despite 12 years as a couple, she still isn't seen as part of the family. The seating position just highlighted that fact.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 19/06/2017 12:32

YANBU OP. I also think it's a stupid idea to have tables in another room - if the main room isn't big enough, find one that is.

DH's son got married a few years ago. All four parents are divorced and either remarried or, in our case, with a long term partner. Everyone had a buttonhole or corsage except me. It still bothers me to this day that they could be that petty, presumably because we weren't married.

(When I say it bothers me, I'd never dream of saying anything!)

19lottie82 · 19/06/2017 12:34

greendale of course the OP is over reacting! The day wasn't about her, it was about two people getting married. She could have grinned and beared it for a couple of hours rather than kicking up a stink!

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2017 12:34

Your seating arrangements are not the forefront concern on the day they get married

The seating plan is made up well before the wedding day. Its only considerate for the bride and groom to think about where your guests sit. Unless youre selfish of course, and dont really care about them.

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