Aibu to be upset? Best man's partner

[BluebellUK]

I had the worst time at a family wedding on Saturday. I can't get it out of my head. My partner of 12 years was best man for his brother. I expected to be seated with aunties/cousins etc as one of the groom's cousins is my best pal. Got to the seating plan and found I was at table 10, which was in the other room from the top table and contained 7 total strangers. Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started... Had to scurry off upstairs to our room to calm down.

When I got back my partner's cousin had moved my place setting next to him and his wife. Argument with the waiter later and that's where I sat.

Bride and groom didn't speak to me the whole day, didn't wait for requested photographs.

My wrong surname problem strikes again? I'm being totally irrational and shouldn't have been seated with extended family?

YANBU OP. You are part of the family, you should have been seated with them. If it were me I would see that as a deliberate snub.

Since you have been with your DP for years, you'd know by now if the bride and groom have a problem with you.
I sympathise with your anxiety issues but I do think they're making you look for offence where none was meant and walking out, and moving seats are both quite dramatic moves on a wedding day.

The "wrong surname" bit refers to the fact they are not married and so treated like a stranger not DP's partner/wife.

OP this is shitty. I think it is very rude and a total snub.

What's your relationship with the bride and groom generally like? Is there a history of frostiness. The groom is effectively your BIL so from the details you've given it does seem very odd you'd be seated in the 'cheap seats' in a different room. On a side note, who the hell separates wedding guests out over two rooms? What a crap idea.

MaccarenaFerreiro: I had this once at a wedding when DH was best man for a close friend. He was sitting on the top table next to a 12 year old bridesmaid (he wasn't impressed)

The best man's wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/anyone DOES NOT join him at the top table. And your dh doesn't sound very nice if he objected to sitting next to a 12-year-old bridesmaid, who probably picked up on his anti-social vibes. What an arse.

What did your DP say about it?

I can understand not being seated on the top table, but why not put you with closer family?

Reading between the lines it sounds as if you're not that close to his family, despite being a mate of his cousins.

I hate to say it but the running away and tears wont have helped any bad feeling.

Sounds like the OP's mental health isn't in the best place so maybe she couldn't help the tears.

The best man's wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/anyone DOES NOT join him at the top table. And your dh doesn't sound very nice if he objected to sitting next to a 12-year-old bridesmaid, who probably picked up on his anti-social vibes. What an arse.

Most people who are having a wedding don't stick rigidly to etiquette - they have common sense. Putting a 30 something best man next to a 12 year old bridesmaid is just silly, just because convention dictates that this is how you "should" do the seating plan, most people have a think about it and decide that the 12 year old bridesmaid would be happier with her family, and that wife of the best man might be better with couples she knows rather than on the odds and sods table. It's called having a bit of consideration for your guests.

Anti-social arse... right.

OP I sympathise - when we got married we decided that the "top table" would actually be a circular table in the centre of the room and we sat there with our parents only. Best man was with his wife at one table, our sisters sat together with their kids and so on.

The best man's wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/anyone DOES NOT join him at the top table.

Ours did, along with the bridemaids' husband. We wanted people to be comfortable and enjoy themselves so didn't follow ridiculous traditions.

I don't think the seating plan was done brilliantly, but you've had a massive over reaction.

I hope you are feeling better now though.

I think they were completely wrong to seat you anywhere except with other members of the your OH's family. What a shame your day was spoiled.

...of your OH's family...

I think you have way over-reacted. There could be all sorts of reasons for the seating - seating plans are a nightmare at a wedding.

The rest of it is normal. I wouldn't expect partners in most photos, just siblings and parents, possibly grandparents. I wouldn't expect the B &G to have much time to speak - especially when they won't have seen many attending for a while.

I don't think you should make their wedding day about you. Maybe an apology is in order?

The best man's wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/anyone DOES NOT join him at the top table.

Ours did, along with the bridemaids' husband. We wanted people to be comfortable and enjoy themselves so didn't follow ridiculous traditions.

Quite. All the block capitals DOES NOT would make you think the OP was suggesting she dance naked on the top table or something. I don't think any best man's partner would be demanding a seat on the top table, but they shouldn't be cast into the wilderness of the misfits table either, especially when they are related to the couple getting married (or as good as, in the case of a 12 year relationship).

The OP contains this information:

"Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started..."

Why does any poster refer to an "overreaction"? That is very unfeeling.

I was seated at the last table at my own brother's wedding, along with the best man's wife. Sadly these things happen - you can't expect a couple to arrange their seating plan around you. Seating plans in general can be a political minefield!

I would have expected to be at a table with family too so I don't think you've overreacted. Sounds like it was a difficult day for you overall but I hope it doesn't affect your relationship with your ILs.

I'm with you. 9 years with my DP but I don't want to get married despite enourmous pressure from his family. As such I don't get invited to birthday nights out, baby showers, BBQs etc. But I have been bridesmaid 5 times and have helped with seating plans a lot!

Usually there might be a table for close family who aren't wedding party but are of the same general status. So you would be sat with the bridesmaids husbands or bride/grooms other sister in laws/sisters who aren't bridesmaids/parents of the little bridesmaids and page boys.

I am going to a family wedding next year. I am not wedding party but my DP and children are. I expect to be sat with my sister in laws husband, my bro in laws GF, DPs cousin and my own mum who is invited. I will probably get the opportunity to have a gander at the plan before hand as well.

This doesn't sound like they have a clue about etiquette.

Sorry does sound

Nina Because it was an overreaction. I also have anxiety which can lead to me overreacting to certain things. Just because it's exacerbated by my anxiety doesn't mean it's not an overreaction.

Today 12:52 OllyBJolly

I think you have way over-reacted. There could be all sorts of reasons for the seating - seating plans are a nightmare at a wedding.

The rest of it is normal. I wouldn't expect partners in most photos, just siblings and parents, possibly grandparents. I wouldn't expect the B &G to have much time to speak - especially when they won't have seen many attending for a while.

I don't think you should make their wedding day about you. Maybe an apology is in order?

The bride and groom make time for all their
guests and it was poor etiquette to treat the best man's partner as she was treated. Nowhere has the OP said anything should revolve around her and it is quite understandable she should feel upset about the day.
As for the apology, just who are you suggesting should apologise? Hmm?

I'm not sure why you expected to be seated with aunts/uncles/cousins as you aren't one.

Where were the other siblings & their partners?

What a fuss about nothing. It doesn't matter if you know the other people on your table, at weddings people are always happy to chat and everyone is in good spirits. I cannot abide this suggestion that couples need to do everything together, at a formal dinner it is usual for couples to be split to promote better conversation. A wedding is a grown up occasion and the guests are expected to be able to mix and socialise.

I think your boyfriend is a dick for not checking with his brother first - given that your boyfriend is presumably well aware of your MH issues.
I think you should have asked - yourself, or via him. You knew it would be a big deal for you, so you should have taken steps to manage it.

It's normal to separate the best man - even if you were married. I think it's odd, and I didn't do it - but it is normal.

Perhaps you were deliberately put on that table because the couple had thought about who you might get on with? Yes, you're friends with a cousin, but how well do the B&G know that? And maybe that table was full with that family.

Over reaction I think.

nina I think she's suggesting the OP should apologise to the bride and groom.