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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset? Best man's partner

174 replies

BluebellUK · 19/06/2017 11:49

I had the worst time at a family wedding on Saturday. I can't get it out of my head. My partner of 12 years was best man for his brother. I expected to be seated with aunties/cousins etc as one of the groom's cousins is my best pal. Got to the seating plan and found I was at table 10, which was in the other room from the top table and contained 7 total strangers. Well, all the anti depressants, beta blockers and meditation that got me dressed and functioning failed and the tears started... Had to scurry off upstairs to our room to calm down.

When I got back my partner's cousin had moved my place setting next to him and his wife. Argument with the waiter later and that's where I sat.

Bride and groom didn't speak to me the whole day, didn't wait for requested photographs.

My wrong surname problem strikes again? I'm being totally irrational and shouldn't have been seated with extended family?

OP posts:
Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 16:23

Hilda off you pop and go drip your poison elsewhere.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/06/2017 16:24

Hilda she went to her room and cried, she didn't make a scene and b&g must know she's got mh issues.

Scrumpernickel · 19/06/2017 16:24

I don't understand this visceral need to stick the boot in, even when someone explains that they're in a vulnerable place. It's so fucking ugly.

Underthemoonlight · 19/06/2017 16:27

I'm wondering if they were worried that you may have caused a scene which utilmately you did by storming off crying and then arguing with the waiter. It is a possibility that it was simply an over sight on the brides side when doing seating plans which allocated number of seats per table. It wasn't the end of the world but I kinda see Hilda's point and wonder if theres a back story and they had genuine concerns you might have spoilt their day it's difficult to tell as we don't have that insight. As for the photos I wish I got some photos with the four of us more but it can be an over sight as the day goes by so quickly.

deffoncforthis · 19/06/2017 16:30

Those of you who told me to suck it up - with all my heart I wish I could but I can't dictate my mood the same way I can't order the weather

Yeah, I think it's a bit much to tell you "suck it up", but if you acknowledge you have no control over it, you would have to equally accept the possibility that on someone else's special day, they might need to manage the situation rather than leave it to spiral out of control.

So if that's what they did, I wouldn't take that too hard, or assume they meant to hurt you.

If it isn't what they did, well it's not so bad meeting new people at a weding. Some people treat it as an opportunity to get their friends and family to mix.

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2017 16:31

She asked why she was seated so far away, they were obviously trying to contain her

How do you know this? Are you the bride? No dont think so. To me could "obviously" being thoughtless or nasty or disapproving shes not married etc etc.

Underthemoonlight · 19/06/2017 16:40

LagunaBubbles weddings can be triggers when someone is already feeling low. My friend suffers from depression and broke down and her cousins wedding and was also seen in tears at my own wedding. It could be possible to think given the situation they don't want a scene. By default they ended up having the opposite affect as this effected op.

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2017 16:42

I get that but why would you sit someone in that situation at a table of complete strangers? Surely it would have been more thoughtful to have them with a familiar face?

flimflaminurjams · 19/06/2017 16:43

Maybe she did seat you near the back to avoid any scenes. Maybe she thought you'd be more comfortable that way? Maybe she went to Hilda's mental health awareness course. Who can tell?

Maybe she should have asked you where you would prefer to sit, given your recent circumstances. Or she should have asked your DP if she didn't want to bring the subject up with you.

Either way I commend you Flowers for making the attempt to go to the wedding, that is a pretty big ask. You arguing with the waiter probably didn't do you any favours - a waiter will only be carrying out instructions as per table plans/menus and it will have caused a lot of messing about for him and the catering team. He certainly won't have understood your needs or reasoning or thought outside the "well this messes things up" box.

I'm afraid some people aren't very understanding or appreciative of MH needs and conditions and after all, it was their wedding day so it was supposed to be about them, not you.

What's done is done. Accept it as what it is. Please don't stew over it. Its the worst thing ever to do that.

Algebraic · 19/06/2017 16:46

I would have been upset too. At my BILs wedding which DH (then DP) was best man for, I was seated with the cousins. Do they know you are generally anxious?

user1487941567 · 19/06/2017 16:50

"Ruin the day"

FFS, OP didn't tip over a table, throw a drink on the bride, flash in the wedding photos or take a shit on the cake! I think it's Hilda who needs to get a grip! Grin

Going upstairs for a cry and then sitting somewhere else isn't ruining the day. In our social circle, we always eat hop, I usually have my dessert on a different table to where I started.

Flyinggeese · 19/06/2017 16:50

OP this is really difficult because MH issues aside, the seating arrangement should not have been a problem. My partner was best man for his brother last year and I was seated on a table made up of only people I didn't know but it was fine! Didn't occur to me that it wasn't. It was only for an hour or so for the meal.

However as you've said you have MH issues so the 'usual' comments on this situation are not really applicable.

BewareOfDragons · 19/06/2017 17:09

Even OP's 'MIL' thinks the Groom shouldn't have done. That. His own mother.

Sorry, OP. It was a crappy way to treat you. I'm glad you're partner's cousin sorted things out.

BarbedBloom · 19/06/2017 17:11

I think this is rude and is one of the reasons we aren't having a table plan and people can sit where they like. Being your BIL he must know you get anxious too, you which for me makes it especially cruel

Floralnomad · 19/06/2017 17:20

Try not to dwell on it OP , at least the MIL sounds like she gets your point and is supportive . I hope things improve for your health going forwards .

StrangeLookingParasite · 19/06/2017 18:56

Maybe they were trying to keep you as far away as possible so they wouldn't be disturbed as you made your little scene. Which they obviously expected. They probably ignored you because they didn't want you ruining their day with your drama.

Well aren't you just lovely. I hope it doesn't come back to bite you in the arse at any stage. Be glad you don't have to deal with the mental illness the OP does. Your lack of sympathy and compassion are just shocking.

Ellisandra · 19/06/2017 19:11

I'm sorry you've had such acute illness as to be an impatient. Good luck with your recovery.

Put the wedding behind you - I don't think there was any malice from your BIL.

It sounds like you're not close to him - you said you don't live anywhere near and don't see them.

Honestly, he is not to know how to handle your illness in relation to seating plans - and it was up to you (or I think his brother, your husband and you don't really see the brother and were unwell) to get in touch to sort this out.

People often say that MH is as much an illness as a broken leg. If you'd just come out of hospital in a wheelchair, I'd say it was up to you to call them and say "could I not be up some stairs". A sensitive couple would have thought it - but not thinking of it doesn't make them bad.

Put it behind you.

heateallthebuns · 19/06/2017 19:22

Hmmm when my husband has been best man I've been sat with a few randoms. Didn't really cross my mind to be upset, I just enjoyed chatting to new people and hearing about them. But then it sounds like you are finding things tough emotionally at the moment.

user1487941567 · 19/06/2017 19:37

When your husband has been best man. But not at his own brothers wedding where you and the bride will share PIL and family. To put her out in another room while the rest of the family have a jolly old time is a bastard thing to do.

ilovegin112 · 19/06/2017 19:42

Maybe b&g put her on that table thinking it would be easier for her to slip out if she was finding it hard

ilovegin112 · 19/06/2017 19:43

Sorry arguing with the waiter wasn't good though

AmysTiara · 19/06/2017 19:48

Hilda sounds pleasant Hmm

I think you were treated badly op. Try not to dwell on it though

Barees · 19/06/2017 20:04

YANBU.

Could it be that they arranged the seating plan (or updated it) when you were in hospital and sat you there because they weren't sure if you'd make it? I still don't think it's acceptable - they could have added you to a family table instead of the one they put you at.

But you know what. Don't think about them. You've been through an awful lot recently from the sounds of things and what's important is getting better. Your MIL called, so what they did hasn't gone unnoticed. And that also means that she cares about you and you being upset (or she'd not have called). Hold onto the good and ditch the ones and things that can bring you down: just as with Hilda here, they're not worth your energy.

GingerLucy · 19/06/2017 20:05

I was released from inpatient psychiatric care just before the wedding, clearly DP and I wrongly assumed that the b&g would cater for that

Maybe they felt they had - maybe they felt that moving you away from the spotlight was what you needed?

kali110 · 19/06/2017 20:08

Doobigetta
I've loved being maid of honour and have had no problems sitting with brides and grooms family.
My dh has sat on a table not really knowing anyone a few times now!
I hAve once too.

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