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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at husband for calling me fat?

149 replies

Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 16:46

Since we have been married and had two kids I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge! He's been acting off for awhile so I just asked if something was wrong, and he just snapped. It's your weight that's a problem! I just don't find you attractive anymore you look nothing like you used too! And I know that makes me sound like a shallow pig but if you lost weight I would find you attractive! I was really upset I cried most of the week, joined a gym and have started a diet, made an effort to wear make up everyday.

I said he's no hunk himself, he's gone bald and his six pack has been covered by a belly! He said that's not fair because he can't help his hair loss.

I was hurt because he's always telling me I'm beautiful and look amazing. And when I asked him why he kept saying it he said, well what do you want me to do? Keep telling you you're a bombshell and you're gorgeous when you're not?

I'm just really annoyed because we have been fine and things have been going well. When I asked why was he so nasty about it he said sorry, but now I've just felt awful all week. I thought personality was more important.

I'm not even a mess! I wear dresses and do my hair,like fashion and people are always asking where I got my dress or whatever from. Ugh, I just don't understand? If I'd have completely let myself go I could understand? Now it's just been awkward and I feel hideous! Should I be annoyed or should I see it as him doing me a favour to be motivated?

OP posts:
FuckyDuck · 18/06/2017 16:48

4st is a huge amount OP and if my DH had gained that much I would maybe have a gentle word (he went about it completely the wrong way)

If you make a positive change it'll impact your health and give your DC a good example too.

Sorry he was a tactless knob but use it as motivation!

Nancy91 · 18/06/2017 16:53

Well 4 stone is a huge amount to gain and will definitely show. He has gone about telling you in a horrible way but I can't think of a nice way of telling your partner that they have become fat. Maybe the two of you could start going to the gym together and motivating each other?

Moussemoose · 18/06/2017 16:54

Do you want had to lie to you?

He was tactless but honest.

Original poster
Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 16:55

I was just hurt at the way it came out. I did say to him if you felt that why not be encouraging in a supportive way, like say we can go work out together. I mean I'm pretty sure I'd have been upset if he'd brought it up nicely but be more willing to see his point. Weights a touchy subject. It was just the shock and the nasty tone, and I had no idea. Now every slim woman I see I just get upset and think he just must want them. It was only the night before he said I looked amazing when I was off out with my friends, so it was a quick turn around!

OP posts:
NicolasFlamel · 18/06/2017 16:56

He was rude in his delivery but it's a lot of weight. My partner has gained a lot and I hate it. He's unhealthy, snores, constantly bothers me about food and doesn't look great with the extra weight. It's depressing.

Original poster
Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 16:59

I was 9st when we met and after my first I worked hard but could never get past 10st, and now after two kids and he's working all hours. We have one in law who babysits once a month, and with the kids at home and me not working I just find it hard to have energy to go to the gym. I'm exhausted most days from being up all hours and he never lifts a finger, I do everything and things are great the only problem is my weight. I just feel sad that I can't be perfect!

OP posts:
AngryCasper · 18/06/2017 16:59

4 stone might be a lot, but op says her dh himself has a belly and yet she's the only one being made to feel she should change. Double standards much?

FuckyDuck · 18/06/2017 17:00

OP if you genuinely want to change (for yourself) then food is the important stuff, not the gym. You can do this and feel 10x better for it!

NachoAddict · 18/06/2017 17:00

Your husband is an arse for the way he went about it but he can't help not being attracted to you if you look significantly different.
Does 4 stone put you in the over weight category? If so then this is somwthing you should do for yourself and the health benefits it will bring. If however you are still within a healthy weight range then if you are happy in your body that's your business.

SleepFreeZone · 18/06/2017 17:02

I don't think a 4stone weight gain sounds particularly healthy OP. I totally understand why it's so hurtful to hear but I would feel the same as your OP if DP put on 4 stone, I'd want him to lose it!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/06/2017 17:04

angry she asked what was wrong. He told her. She then pointed out his weight gain and his baldness.

I don't see any double standards. OP could say he needs too make an effort and lose weight.

Bit shitty mentioning his baldness when he can't help if his hair is falling out.

MoominFlaps · 18/06/2017 17:05

Agree that if you do want to lose the weight, diet is the way to go. Exercise alone will do very little for weight loss.

Your husband was very insensitive Flowers

user1472582572 · 18/06/2017 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2017 17:07

All of this just came right out of the blue? Without ever hinting how he felt about your weight gain?

He was rude and nasty.

Yes, 4 stone is a huge weight gain but you need to lose it for you and not for him.

MagicMojito · 18/06/2017 17:07

Well rightly or wrongly id be fucking raging really really hurt by that OP. I dont think you are being at all unreasonable Flowers

There are ways ways to raise these things tactfully.

Being honest is no excuse for being rude and hurtful. Angry

Birdsgottaf1y · 18/06/2017 17:07

""I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge!""

If you've gone up to 14 stone, then you are in denial about your weight.

Careful dieting will drop two stone before you have to think about exercise.

Lack of sleep can make your body cling on to calories, you would be best keeping a food diary.

I've gained similar and feel terrible, mine has been through illness, because i'm not the biggest about, doesn't mean that i'm not far bigger than i should be.

He should have been more sensitive, but would you have listened?

ThanksMsMay · 18/06/2017 17:09

She asked what was wrong because he'd been off with her. Hmm

She didn't ask him if he thought she was fat. He can't help going bald but some women donout on wieght and struggle to shift it after children (not their "fault").

I knew you'd get crap on this thread because MN has some serious hang ups about fat. Op your h was out of order. He was rude to you. And rather than "using it as motivation" to lose weight, I'd use it to lose 12 stone of bald chunky twat

Original poster
Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 17:10

I know he was just saying how he feels, we were just happy and it was a shock. It's silly really because I know I'm over weight and should lose weight so why I should be upset when it's true. It's just motivation, like this last week I was up almost 48 hours with one child being sick and changing sheets and sitting up all night, then the other child wakes up, and he's slept all through it and goes off to work refreshed and I'm catching up with house work making lunches, cleaning etc and feeling like a zombie! I made it to the gym three times last week despite feeling tired! And I don't complain at him or wake him in the night, I just think he works and brings money and I'm just being a mum. I just still feel annoyed a week later and it's been frosty in the house now. I haven't really said much to him just I'm still feeling a tad hurt and annoyed, even though I feel awful inside!

OP posts:
Joffmognum · 18/06/2017 17:10

I'd have a word with my partner too if I was him, I feel as a team you look out for each other's health.

However it was totally unacceptable for him to go about it that way. YANBU to be annoyed. Especially if he's overweight himself.

Diet and gym for yourself, for your children, for your increased risk of cancer and heart disease. Do not diet and gym to give a hypocrite a more attractive wife.

Original poster
Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 17:11

Yes it came out the blue! That's why I'm in shock still.

OP posts:
AfunaMbatata · 18/06/2017 17:13

In what way has he been acting off lately op? Bet it isn't just about weight..

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2017 17:13

Forget the gym for now then.

Most overweight people I know personally, eat too much food.

If that's the case for you too (not saying it is, but most people don't realise they eat too much), could you use a food/calorie tracker?

I can't think of the name of the one most MNetters recommend, but someone will no doubt be along to remind me!

Ecclesiastes · 18/06/2017 17:15

Forget the gym, OP. If you really want to lose weight you need to eat less. MUCH less than you think.

You don't have a supportive husband, which is a shame, but that in itself doesn't preclude you from making positive changes for yourself.

Suntrapped · 18/06/2017 17:18

Instead of feeling hurt, why not focus on losing the weight? Start walking everywhere and be really strict with what you eat.

Lots of people find excess weight unsexy. Personality isn't everything.

He can't help going bald but you can help your weight.

user1497800655 · 18/06/2017 17:18

This is when relationships go wrong- The wife lets herself go a bit and the husband gets lazy so it becomes a stalemate.

Marriage is all about keeping the sparkle there not just how you look

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