AIBU to be annoyed at husband for calling me fat?

[Camilne2701]

Since we have been married and had two kids I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge! He's been acting off for awhile so I just asked if something was wrong, and he just snapped. It's your weight that's a problem! I just don't find you attractive anymore you look nothing like you used too! And I know that makes me sound like a shallow pig but if you lost weight I would find you attractive! I was really upset I cried most of the week, joined a gym and have started a diet, made an effort to wear make up everyday.

I said he's no hunk himself, he's gone bald and his six pack has been covered by a belly! He said that's not fair because he can't help his hair loss.

I was hurt because he's always telling me I'm beautiful and look amazing. And when I asked him why he kept saying it he said, well what do you want me to do? Keep telling you you're a bombshell and you're gorgeous when you're not?

I'm just really annoyed because we have been fine and things have been going well. When I asked why was he so nasty about it he said sorry, but now I've just felt awful all week. I thought personality was more important.

I'm not even a mess! I wear dresses and do my hair,like fashion and people are always asking where I got my dress or whatever from. Ugh, I just don't understand? If I'd have completely let myself go I could understand? Now it's just been awkward and I feel hideous! Should I be annoyed or should I see it as him doing me a favour to be motivated?

@paintingowls

Absolutely this. If you're in the UK then you will be given lies. If you're from Europe, China, etc, people will be honest and probably not even wait for you to ask.

You say that as if it's a POSITIVE thing that people point out you're fat! There is nothing positive about being a rude bastard.

For a start, we are not IN Europe or China! And if someone DID make an unsolicited comment about my weight (if I was overweight,) I would tell them to mind their own fucking nosey bastard business, tell them they're an ugly cunt, and ask if their mother dropped them on their face when they were born. Well, sauce for the goose! They can be rude, I can be ruder!!!

Why do some people think their opinions are wanted or needed? Arrogant arseholes. Do they think if they come and tell me I am fat, that I am going to say 'oh thank you for letting me know, I wasn't aware of it, and I so much appreciate you pointing out I am a fat bastard. I can now work on it; start eating less and getting more exercise. Bless you so much. '

Yeah right!

OP in 6 years I have gained 10 kilos. I went from being borderline under-weight to the top end of the healthy BMI range, and I was in denial.

10 kilos put you from 'borderline underweight' to the top end of the healthy BMI range?*

On what planet?

As some people have said, all these incredibly shallow people who insist their partner stays thin (because they are obviously so obsessed with physical appearance; ) what on earth are you going to do if your partner is disfigured in an accident? 'sorry dear, you're not as pretty as when I met you, fuck off.'

As has been said, anyone who thinks a woman is going to have the same figure for life, that she has in her 20's is deluded.

And I agree with the person who said even if they lost the weight, the damage has been done.

Not sure if the relationship would ever recover.

I do agree with the poster on the previous page though who said your self worth seems to be based around what HE thinks of you. Shouldn't be that way.

I lost 2.5 stone (over six months) without setting foot inside the gym. I did an exercise DVD at home 3x a week (which didn't require a babysitter), swam once a week on Sunday mornings (40 lengths) whilst dh took the kids off to swim in the baby pool and I'd often do power walks in spare moments. Cutting out (or down on) alcohol is a massive help, and I also did weight watchers.

Bottom line: eat less, move more.

Good luck.

It's not dependent on him. I'm just not someone who thinks looks are at the forefront. Even at all. I just believe it's the person you are attracted to. Looks play a part and to me that means being well kept and taking pride in yourself no matter what shape. To me looking unattractive looking is smelling bad, dressing scruffy, not washing, not looking smart, not your size! I dated a guy with one eye and a squint face and hand a hand with weird fingers once, and he wasn't attractive to most people! I just don't care what your body is like. I'm just disappointed because I want my kids to grow up to see that love and attraction is based on values not looks. I want my husband to be happy of course, and he has apologised but I just never knew he had this value. Maybe he didn't either! God I'm not a whale, 4 stone yes but if you hadn't seen me in ten years you'd know it was me. As I said I'm trying now to lose weight, I'm just shocked by his outburst.

Well at 14st, you're going to be fat. It's pretty difficult for people that know you to tell you this when you ask them, but at that weight you are definitely going to be fat.

His delivery was rubbish, but maybe he has been avoiding mentioning it and just blurted in out?

If you want to lose the weight, do it. I can see how he has damaged your confidence, but make this the start of being healthier - for you.

My DH has been the same weight since we met....mine has varied by about 5 stone!! He's never once told me I need to lose weight, but when I went through a bad patch of ill health, he did gently say to me that he worried about me, and wondered what he could do to encourage me to get fitter and better. I think your DH was an arse for being so rude about your weight, but the crux of the issue is that he clearly doesn't find you attractive at the moment. And that's a big issue.
I would talk to him about it, say you appreciate that he said it to you but it was in a very unkind way that has made you feel really low. And ask him together to make changes. Small steps are easier than dramatic ones, and there's no reason why you both can't cut out sugar as the first step. If he loves you, he will want to help.

Notknownatthisaddress

I didn't say it as a good or bad thing, it was a statement of differing cultural approaches to weight and body image. You chose to assume I meant it in a positive way.

On what planet?

I am 5ft 6in and went from 55-56kg to 69-70kg - so 13kg if you want to be pedantic, but given that I lose and gain a kilo from day to day just through water weight, I don't think rounding up matters too much.

Your disfigurement comment is really verging on funny/offensive given that I have a disability and people have routinely rejected me based on that - but you weren't to know, of course.

Sexual attraction is inherently shallow and it is OK to admit that.

There are things I know I don't like and would put me off the idea of shagging DP whom I love dearly and who basically ignores my disability and I'm sure there are things that would put you off your DP, too, if you thought long and hard about it.

Here's my list:

• shaved head
• gold teeth
• facial tattoos
• large weight gain
• building lots of muscle on his upper body and leaving his legs to be scrawny little chickens' legs
• neglecting dental hygiene

OP, I've only read the first 1.5 page but please stop going on about gym and exercise and walking and how you can't. It matters very little. It is the food that you eat that matters. Eat smaller portions and track it on mfp.

Also it does not matter what people say whether you "look" fat or not. With so many people overweight fatness has been normalised. When everyone is fat, you look normal. But that's just looks. 4 st is a massive amount of weight to have gained - your bmi probably puts you into the obese category (unless you were seriously underweight before).

Notknownatthisaddress wrote on Sun 18-Jun-17 19:13:15

@mysteriouscurle

Here we go again. Horrible man expects you to do all the shit work then complains you don't look nice and a load of posters come along and say "its not healthy" . Do none of you ever do anything unhealthy? Yes you do. Its just that if you eat too much and are fat you are a terrible person. Getting a bit sick of MNs attitude to this. Is no one going to say how well OP is doing to manage her life looking after dc with and unsupportive twat in the background. No. She should lose weight because. its unhealthy. Bollocks is this all about health. Its shallow and about vanity else why is there hardly any handwringing about smoking drinking to excess spending too long in the sun etc

This ^

I get fucked off with the attitude that loads of MN-ers have too

And I am willing to bet that most of them are no slimmer than the OP.

I would tell my husband to go fuck himself if he told me I was no longer attractive, after gaining weight and struggling to lose it after giving him 2 children. The OP's body has gone through a lot, having 2 pregnancies and 2 births, and she is a frazzled busy mum, and in addition, it's harder to lose weight when you're a bit older and you've had kids, and also women struggle more than men to lose it. Give her a fucking break! hmm

I have been from 9 to 16 stone and back again, and settled somewhere in between, and my husband has loved me and fancied me all along. But that is because he is not a shallow, mean-spirited cunt who thinks a woman is only attractive if she fits into a fucking size ten dress!

Tell him if he doesn't like you as you are he can fuck off, and you will lose weight when you are ready!

Why don't you read the thread Notknownatthisaddress?

The bit where the OP wrote '...but he spends all week at work on 5am starts and sometimes isn't home till 11pm...'

That's just the 18-hours at work. How many hours should he put in when he gets home? Selfish bastard eh? Not pulling his weight around the house.

OP, I'd lay good money you said or did something, or the children did something to hack him off and bit of resentment came out and he used your weight as an easy target.

You also wrote that you'd gained 4 stone, then said you'd gone from 9st. to 14st+ which means a gain of 5st.

Either way, you're more than half the person again than you were when you met him; I'd find that tough.

Stacks of good advice in the thread about diet and exercise etc. calorie-counting will be your best bet. You can eat 3,000 calories per day if you burn 3,500 and lose a lb a day, or half-a-stone a week.

If you just read the post from the start I've never said he should put in when he gets home. I've said the opposite. He works hard so I don't expect anything. I'm not husband bashing or have husband bashed! Why don't people read through before posting. Ok a gain of 5st in all, but being 10st wasn't an issue. I'm just thinking in terms of 4st since I lost 3st after my first child, going from 9st to 12st then giving birth and going to 10st, then giving birth again and going to 14st is what I meant.

I want my kids to grow up to see that love and attraction is based on values not looks

Op for the very vast majority of human beings, physical attraction is based on looks, and science shows us more so for men than women, where they are stimulated by what they see. Sexual attraction is not simply and solely cerebral for most of us. Love however is different and I think uou need to sperate the two. He is not saying he doesn't love you.

As for this thread, I think it's hit a nerve for some people, basedon some of the overly emotional and clearly upset responses.😔

My husband has gained a significant amount of weight since over the years (more than you OP). While I do worry about the health implications of this, I can honestly say I still love and fancy him just as much now as the day we met. I don't see it, maybe because when I look at him, I only see the person I love.

I have had 2 kids. After the first I bounced back immediately, but after the second I was 3 stone heavier for 3 years until I finally found the energy to lose weight. My husband's attitude towards me has never changed at my time throughout our marriage. He has always made me feel loved and cherished, He complimented when I lost the weight and told me I looked great, but he always complimented me before too, even when I wasn't feeling my best. I don't really care too much how I look to others, but it matters to me that my husband thinks I look nice, so looking back now, this means the world to me.

OP you sound lovely, and I'm sorry your husband has been so insensitive. Whether or not you decide to continue trying to lose weight is up to you, but to be honest, I don't think your DH deserves such a fantastic wife.

I meant two stone lost first lol I'm tired. Course they are I'm no fool he watches porn all the time. But I have said to him if that's what he thinks then go ahead, leave, because good looks won't look after you when you're sick or in need, or when you really need someone...will you care then what size they are? That's just my personal opinion. And when all his friends are old and their partner's, who will you have? Unless he's going to be totally loaded and buy himself some gold diggers, will looks matter then? Sex and love are different I know that, but we had good sex before his revelation. I just don't know. Maybe he's having a moment wishing he wasn't so tied up like his friends!

Not** like his friends even

And I'm not a prude, I'm pretty liberal porn doesn't bother me.

When you're married and have children though attraction isn't just based on physical appearance is it. Are you not attracted to personality and the person your partner is? Does your shared history mean nothing? You marry for life (at least that is the aim for most people I think?) Looks only last a short time.

I hate to say this op but your in denial even your more recent posts. It's such a taboo subject because a lot of people don't what to fat shame or cause upsetment but I do think it's unhealthy to be a certain size this is why we have BMI.

My DM is a big lay about 16stone she had heart attack,diabetes and is not in heart failure majority of her health issues are down to her size. She a beautiful woman but I do wish she had looked after herself better to be more active for me when I was a child. Because of this I'm extremely self aware of my weight.

After having my 3rd DC at 29 my body didn't snap back into shape and I weighed 11stone4. My DH was never rude but he would have told me had I gained 4stone. I started Slimming world I go once a week and have done since January. I struggle with going to the gym because of having three dcs but I walk everywhere. I am now down to 9stone 9 and I feel more fitter and full of energy. It's amazing going out and everyone commenting how nice I look and my whole face has completely changed.

You have an opportunity to embrace this and improve your lifestyle for you but also your dcs. If you don't lose weight you may find you gradually start putting more and more on without realising.

did you ever wonder about the reasons behind your mother's unhealthy lifestyle choices went deeper than you were aware of? The sheer level of ignorance!

Oof. Someone's being goady...,

Feeling a bit pmt tonight, so read mumsnet for a bit of light hearted stuff to cheer me up! Came across this post and now feel REALLY crap!!!! What's happened to everyone? What about 'personality is more important than looks' ? I am so confused! And disappointed!! Are people really this shallow??? That looks r so important???

I thought kindness, humility, generosity, caring, empathy, love, fun, compassion, warmth, determination, loyalty, honesty, being a good parent, sharing and enjoying common interests, communicating, engaging, listening, collaborating, sharing, enjoying time together, seeing each other's inner beauty ..... these and many more are what drives us, what makes us special, what makes us compatible??? What shines from us? What attracts us to others? ... No????? Am I on another planet?? ...... sadly sadly if this is the world I live in, where being a size 10 is all that matters, I despair :( and I really should be sad when I look in the mirror :(

Really? ... I should stuff reading to my kids, taking them out, playing with them, nurturing them - I need to do yoga and join weight watchers instead :(

V sad mumsnet reader here :(

He watches porn when he wants I suppose I don't really care. Of course I know he probably finds those women arousing, I'm not interested he's a man, he looks, gets aroused etc our sex life has always been fine! I was making reference to a poster that said men are visual, I know that. I just thought I was sexy too because it's been great, but since his comment I've felt the most hideous I've felt since I was an insecure teenager! Maybe I am taking it to heart, I just think what I thought he thought of me all this time wasn't true. And really he thought I looked disgusting even though he said I looked wonderful! I've always trusted my husband so it was a blow, did he think looked hideous the whole time?? Why would he lie?? But obviously he would lie to not offend me I know that, I can understand he didn't want to upset me. Ufhhhhhh.

I think you're over reacting, user xxx. No one said those things weren't important, what was said that the way we look is an important part of sexual attraction for most people.