AIBU to be annoyed at husband for calling me fat?

[Camilne2701]

Since we have been married and had two kids I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge! He's been acting off for awhile so I just asked if something was wrong, and he just snapped. It's your weight that's a problem! I just don't find you attractive anymore you look nothing like you used too! And I know that makes me sound like a shallow pig but if you lost weight I would find you attractive! I was really upset I cried most of the week, joined a gym and have started a diet, made an effort to wear make up everyday.

I said he's no hunk himself, he's gone bald and his six pack has been covered by a belly! He said that's not fair because he can't help his hair loss.

I was hurt because he's always telling me I'm beautiful and look amazing. And when I asked him why he kept saying it he said, well what do you want me to do? Keep telling you you're a bombshell and you're gorgeous when you're not?

I'm just really annoyed because we have been fine and things have been going well. When I asked why was he so nasty about it he said sorry, but now I've just felt awful all week. I thought personality was more important.

I'm not even a mess! I wear dresses and do my hair,like fashion and people are always asking where I got my dress or whatever from. Ugh, I just don't understand? If I'd have completely let myself go I could understand? Now it's just been awkward and I feel hideous! Should I be annoyed or should I see it as him doing me a favour to be motivated?

I haven't slagged him off online, we talk. I have told him about this post.We do talk, that's why I'm just surprised by this because we are open...he obviously held this back in fear of hurting me, but it's still stings. I am actively trying to do something now I'm just a disgruntled wife at this moment.

And about the clothes you don't have to dress like you used to but every so often when you have a night out date night or whatever yous do make sure you wear something you feel and look amazing in to. Men needed to be reminded where sexual creatures and not just mother and frankly so do we!!!

teddy6767 well done, amazing diet plan and tips!

Op - please talk it through with him. Don't let it fester.

My DH has decided to split as 8years ago I told him the same thing (he reached 22 stone) and he has never got over it...

22st! I'm still within the range I can run and climb stairs, and I know I'm on the edge of buying plus size clothes range and not sometimes. I did always say to my husband if I ever get fat tell me, and he agreed but the last two years he tells me I look wonderful, I'm so sexy, gorgeous, amazing, mmm come here! Meow lol and all that. And I'm not blind I know I have got fatter, but he never complained till last week. And I'm a short way, like I said it was only the day before he told me I was gorgeous!!! Then this just came about, this is why I posted. Because I want to know if I'm being too melodramatic or I shouldn't feel silly for being annoyed and upset by it. He has said sorry. It's just a revelation to me. Yes someone said just put the biscuits down! I guess when I'm tired the sugar rush is good and the full feeling relaxes me. It's disgusting I know, when a packet of Jaffa cakes would last me a week three years ago and now I could scoff a box in half an hour before bed. Yes, maybe people on here are right, I've let myself go. It's just hard feeling on call all the time, and when I do get 20mins alone I don't want to exercise! I want to sit down and not get up for more than five minutes lol, my life is just mama mama mama mama mama right now, feels like mama mama mama 24/7!

@mysteriouscurle

Here we go again. Horrible man expects you to do all the shit work then complains you don't look nice and a load of posters come along and say "its not healthy" . Do none of you ever do anything unhealthy? Yes you do. Its just that if you eat too much and are fat you are a terrible person. Getting a bit sick of MNs attitude to this. Is no one going to say how well OP is doing to manage her life looking after dc with and unsupportive twat in the background. No. She should lose weight because. its unhealthy. Bollocks is this all about health. Its shallow and about vanity else why is there hardly any handwringing about smoking drinking to excess spending too long in the sun etc

This ^^

I get fucked off with the attitude that loads of MN-ers have too

And I am willing to bet that most of them are no slimmer than the OP.

I would tell my husband to go fuck himself if he told me I was no longer attractive, after gaining weight and struggling to lose it after giving him 2 children. The OP's body has gone through a lot, having 2 pregnancies and 2 births, and she is a frazzled busy mum, and in addition, it's harder to lose weight when you're a bit older and you've had kids, and also women struggle more than men to lose it. Give her a fucking break!

I have been from 9 to 16 stone and back again, and settled somewhere in between, and my husband has loved me and fancied me all along. But that is because he is not a shallow, mean-spirited cunt who thinks a woman is only attractive if she fits into a fucking size ten dress!

Tell him if he doesn't like you as you are he can fuck off, and you will lose weight when you are ready!

At 14 stone you're in the obese category unless you're quite tall. When a fat person asks people if they are fat, people will lie out of politeness. Your husband told you the truth. He was horribly insensitive about it but you need to stop with the denial. If you're happy fat and want to stay that way, fine. Tell him that. But don't expect him to pretend that you are as appealing as you were at nine (or 10,11...) stone. He's not attracted to the excess weight and tbh with that level of weight gain you probably don't look like the same person.

OP I've put more than 4 stones on since I met my husband. He's never said a word, he's always told me I was gorgeous, but there was many a time when I've looked at myself and not seen anything I could fancy if I were him. It wasn't like looking at myself anymore.

This year I stopped eating processed food and sugar as much as possible. I was very like the OP in what I ate - I don't eat meat and could eat loads of biscuits/chocs. I still eat carbs, fruit, occasional alcohol and sweet treats. I eat large portions, don't do extra exercise, and don't count calories. I took a lot of tips from the I Quit Sugar Facebook page - they're doing a chat on Mumsnet tomorrow, I think. So far I've lost nearly two stones and two dress sizes. My husband keeps commenting on how it's showing and how well I've done, how he's proud of me (I'm proud of myself!).

But because I'm upset still I keep telling myself I'LL SHOW YOU!! Then think when I lose weight... oh you want me now I'm thin?? But I wasn't good enough before. I'm just still upset and ranting.

He didn't say he doesn't love you anymore, or he was embarrassed by your weight gain, he was just honest that he doesn't find your larger body attractive and he can't help that (obviously he could have been more tactful).

Sorry I think it's perfectly acceptable for a spouse to be honest if their partner gains a huge amount of weight to be honest about it. The way he did it isn't ok, but there is nothing wrong with the honesty. He shouldn't lie. As said it doesn't mean he doesn't love her, it means he doesn't find her attractive at this weight. Many people wouldn't find their partner physically attractive if they gained half their body weight.

There is nothing mean spirited or shallow about not fancying fat people and being physically attracted to slim. It's well out of line to call him a cunt for not fancying her fat.

If he'd have said "I'm concerned about your weight, your health and the affect it's having on my feelings for you and my own weight and how that makes you feel about me, let's do something about it."
I'd have more sympathy, but all he's done is be nasty and cruel towards you and make it all about him, how it affects him, what he wants and how you should change to please him so he can fancy you again.

He doesn't sound concerned about you at all, he's just been a total prick towards you because he's a selfish bastard and thinks you're role in life is to please him and be his slave and child raiser.

Lose the weight for you, for your children and for your own happiness then ditch the prick and find someone who loves you for who you are.

Use it as an opportunity to say, great! You're right, I want to concentrate on looking after my health and happiness. Please look after kids 3 times a week.

When a fat person asks people if they are fat, people will lie out of politeness.

Absolutely this. If you're in the UK then you will be given lies. If you're from Europe, China, etc, people will be honest and probably not even wait for you to ask.

OP in 6 years I have gained 10 kilos. I went from being borderline under-weight to the top end of the healthy BMI range, and I was in denial.

Over the last 2 months I have tracked my food intake on MyFitnessPal and set it to sedentary with a goal of losing 0.25kg a week. I have lost 4 kilos so far just by following the recommended calorie intake for my height and weight (1510 if you're interested). I have also started doing Parkrun every Saturday and that's all the exercise I need tbh.

You and DH can go on a weight and health kick together. He needs to sort his belly and baldness out so that he can be attractive to you again.

And he can absolutely address his baldness,

Why don't you both work on getting yourselves into your best possible selves?

Tbh if I was the op even if I lost all the weight and my dh decide he fancied me again the damage would be done. You can't keep up the appearance you had in your twenties forever. Should the op have to get Botox if she starts to wrinkle or surgery when things start to sag to keep her dh interested? Or heaven forbid she was just nvolved n an accident that left her scarred or something. The op is obviously hurt as for her the marriage was for better for worse and now she's found her husbands affection comes with strings attached. Being so superficial is deeply unattractive and like I said even if I managed to lose the 4 stone my opinion of the dh would have gone down massively.

My DH has put on 3 stone.
I hate it.
He weighs less than you OP
& he looks fat.
Really sorry to be brutal.

The problem is there isn't a magic wand to wave. Honestly if dh did this to me I'd be reaching for the nearest packet of biscuits in a stress reaction. My husbands seen me all sizes from the size 10 to the size 18 and back again. But you know what he focuses on what makes me attractive. When in bigger he lives me in a basque showing off my huge boobs when i'm smaller it's lacey stuff.

He wants me to be happy and appreciated when our kids were under 5 the stress was huge.

Is this that he wants you to loose weight or that there's not enough sex or you have lost your self confidence.

My dh has put on more than 4 stone since we married and it makes not a jot of difference to me. Our marriage and love for each other is so much more than what initially attracted us to each other. If you go off your spouse because they are fat you'll also likely go off them when they get old. After all you would never have been interested in a 60 yr old when you were 25.

The husband is an arse saying that he doesn't find OP attractive. And he sounds lazy and entitled generally as OP runs round doing all the childcare and domestics

Doesn't change the fact that OP is an unhealthy weight and has fallen into bad eating habits.

The two things are probably related.

His baldness has never been an issue I was just pointing out a change in him since he felt the need to point a change out in me. I am really trying this week with healthy eating and getting to the gym. It's only been a week. Two weeks ago I looked in the mirror and would say to myself, looking fabulous today dear! And now I just look and think oh you're hideous who are you kidding? Even after gaining weight I've never felt so low about my appearance. I thought my husband was happy and I was a good wife and now I feel insecure and ugly. And can't bear him to see me naked! When two weeks ago I would happily be naked in front of him. He's noticed because the atmosphere is frosty now and his happy wife has become quiet and standoffish! I don't mean to be, I just feel like after what he said, well I feel ugly. I've hid in the kitchen most the week! I did say to him tonight do you really find me attractive physically? And he said sometimes. I feel I should man up and lose weight without moaning, ugh. I just feel hurt really. I'm not a bad wife so it does hurt. I've not told my parents or sisters about this because I know they'd just lose it and think he was being rude and I don't want people we know to think he's an arsehole.

I disagree with most posters because I think that he is quite shallow to not find you attractive because you have put on weight. As you say, he doesn't look as nice as he used to either so why should you not go off him too. The fact that "he can't help" going bald is irrelevant to whether or not is attractive I think. Double standards.