AIBU to be annoyed at husband for calling me fat?

[Camilne2701]

Since we have been married and had two kids I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge! He's been acting off for awhile so I just asked if something was wrong, and he just snapped. It's your weight that's a problem! I just don't find you attractive anymore you look nothing like you used too! And I know that makes me sound like a shallow pig but if you lost weight I would find you attractive! I was really upset I cried most of the week, joined a gym and have started a diet, made an effort to wear make up everyday.

I said he's no hunk himself, he's gone bald and his six pack has been covered by a belly! He said that's not fair because he can't help his hair loss.

I was hurt because he's always telling me I'm beautiful and look amazing. And when I asked him why he kept saying it he said, well what do you want me to do? Keep telling you you're a bombshell and you're gorgeous when you're not?

I'm just really annoyed because we have been fine and things have been going well. When I asked why was he so nasty about it he said sorry, but now I've just felt awful all week. I thought personality was more important.

I'm not even a mess! I wear dresses and do my hair,like fashion and people are always asking where I got my dress or whatever from. Ugh, I just don't understand? If I'd have completely let myself go I could understand? Now it's just been awkward and I feel hideous! Should I be annoyed or should I see it as him doing me a favour to be motivated?

I think OPs actual weight is a red herring. It's clear from her posts that what really concerns her is worrying that her H is judging her by looks rather than for the person she is and all their shared history. OP hopefully he was just tired and being a dick. Have you told him honestly how you feel about it? Everything you've told us?

Maybe stop buying all the biscuits etc. Nobody needs them in their diet. It is hard to lose weight. I gained four stone then lost it and now put two back on.
Since this week gone I've decided to stop buying food I don't need again like chocolate and biscuits.
If you really can't live without them buy a small bar/pack when out and nowhere near home and that forces you to have portion control. I used to go running early in the morning before h left for work or sometimes in the evening when he got back. Lost 4 stone with diet and running outside. No gym membership required. There are also a lot of fitness videos on YouTube. I do them and my dd joins in rolls around the floor in fits of giggles. Also if you can carry your 3yo I found the weight of carrying dd around helped me lose weight and I'd put her on my shoulders and walk everywhere. 3yo like scooters etc as well so another idea to help get out the house.
Don't lose weight for anyone but yourself though!

Op, he didn't say he thought you were hideous or disgusting. He said he didn't find you attractive at your current weight. Everyone is unanimous that he phrased it terribly but there is a long way from not fancying someone because they had a huge weight gain to thinking they are hideous and disgusting. Clearly from your posts he doesn't think that.

user1472582572 Your comments are a disgrace she has heart failure and doesn't have long left several years, she had a heart attack at 52 yet you think I resent her! I said she is a wonderful beautiful woman but her weight hasn't helped her health. What an arsehole of a comment to make to someone!

I know he doesn't think I'm hideous I'm just hurt because he never let on he didn't find me attractive and life seemed great. He just wasn't his usual self and I asked him and this is the result. I just didn't expect it so I'm being melodramatic, where as he probably thinks not much of the whole thing!

I just didn't expect it so I'm being melodramatic, where as he probably thinks not much of the whole thing

Oh I don't think he thinks not much of it at all op, in fact I'd lay good money on after your prolonged reaction to him he never ever mentions your weight again, even nicely.

I find all the self righteous stuff about 'you need to the lose the weight' actually misses the point.

I'm betting theOP knows she could do with shifting some excess pounds. But I'm also betting she has a busy life trying to run the house and bring up two children. Most of the responses seem to focus on a sanctimonious finger wagging you-know-4-stone-is-a-lot tone. I don't think this is what the post is about. It is about respect and sensitivity, both of which seem in short supply when it comes to the OP's husband.

Whatever happened to weight and looks being skin deep, what about loving the whole person, warts and all?

Couldn't agree more giraffy1

Very divided, the comments here.

OP, he's not concerned about your health, as some posters are claiming to be. He was horrible about your appearance. I totally believe you that you were confident and sexy and attractive until he made you feel like crap about yourself.

And no wonder you're simultaneously working out and wanting to revenge yourself by losing weight. It's horrible to feel ugly.

This isn't about fat really. It's about your husband whose supposed to love you using vile words and attacking you and making you feel ugly and like crap about yourself. You'd never have done that about his hair loss.

You can lose weight. But can he gain empathy? I don't know.

what about loving the whole person, warts and all?

He didn't say he didn't love her! In fact it would appear he does. Very much based on the way he has always treated her apart from this one outburst. He said he didn't fancy her at this weight. Two different things.

You can still deeply love your partner and just not fancy them following a significant physical change in their appearance.

there is so much focus on weight as a "looks" problem. I couldn't give a shit how people look, how their clothes fit them or whether they are considered attractive. It doesn't alter my view of them, their "worth" or anything. OP you seem to think that being slim is only about being attractive.

Being overweight or obese, binging on sugar, being inactive, causes massive health problems. Diabetes, coronary heart disease, cancer, stroke, asthma, high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, osteoarthritis... the list goes on.

It's not easy or fun to be in control of your diet to reduce likelihood of all of that but it's better than the alternative.

Fancying your wife/husband should be about more than how they look physically though otherwise how can a marriage last? Do you think the ops husband will still find her attractive with wrinkles and saggy boobs? I doubt it some how.
The op can see past her husbands belly fat and hair loss because she is (or was) presumably attracted to his personality, handsome face/whatever. I'm assuming it's not just because she loves bald fat men and couldn't wait for him to mature into the handsome beast he now is!

I suspect everyone would be happier including you, the poster, if you lost the 4 stone. Still not kind of the husband to point it out but it may be the wake up call needed. You could lose it by Christmas or next Easter.

But she'll still be left with the shallow arse of a 'd'h. I honestly don't know why people like this get married. Peoples appearances change massively over a lifetime. Your attraction really needs to be based on more than physical appearance or you have no long term future.
Will you be happy if you lose the weight op or will you be constantly worrying about whether you have gained any or whether you're getting lines and if your appearance is still acceptable to your husband?
Get rid of the 4st if YOU want to. If I was in your situation you I'd probably also ditch the 15st of 'd'h who is knocking your confidence so badly. There are plenty of men out there who will find YOU attractive - not your clothes size.

Was a horrible way to phrase it, yanbu.

My DH talks about my weight a lot because he knows it worries me too. I've weighed in today and am at 12st 11. I was 14st 6 at the end of January. The difference is my main motivation, and his only concern, is that as I have chronic, including one life threatening, conditions that I was adding another risk in. There have been issues with me losing but its improving slowly.

I would be devastated if he said he wanted me to get healthy because he know longer thought I was attractive. I don't think you are being melodramatic. We should all cherish our partners.

I would make your own plan about what you actually want to do, whether that be stay as you are, change your diet, exercise more etc. Then say to him this is what I need you to do, whether it's not keeping certain foods in the house, helping with meal prep, entertaining the kids etc.

You mentioned that you can't get out to exercise. There's a great youtuber called Lucy Wyndham-Read who has all kinds of walking workouts, cardio, hiit etc. None longer than 30 minutes and most only about 10. My body has responded so well to these so maybe that could be an option for you? There's a boot camp starting in July where she posts a different video everyday.

But the most important thing here is that you see there are two issues - one is that you are hurt (though he has apologised) and the other is what you actually feel about your weight.

You can still deeply love your partner and just not fancy them following a significant physical change in their appearance.

Appearances do change over the years though and most people continue to fancy their partner despite this. Even if you don't put weight on, you get wrinkles, lose muscle mass, hair etc.

There's a huge difference between someone gradually changing due to natural ageing and someone rapidly transforming their appearance due to a massive change in their eating habits and activity levels. The second is a choice and many people will be turned off by someone who makes themselves unattractive through overeating, drugs, self mutilation etc.

Yanbu, he's been a tool tbh. No wonder you are so hurt. My dh has changed so much over the years and my love for him has only grown, and that includes how attractive I find him. His concern wasn't framed in terms of your health but how you look. Which makes it even harder to respect his viewpoint, especially as he's not applying his own rules to himself (weight not baldness). I think I would want couples counselling rather than a gym membership. I think if you address your lack of sleep and support in your relationship you might not feel the need to push those feelings/tiredness away with food.

Even if you lost the weight, would it make him less of an arse? Seriously. Yes, you lose the weight and then lose a ton more by ditching the arsehole dh. My dh has been complaining about his increasing beer belly, doesn't really bother me as I see him as a whole person, I'd never put him down for his appearance (I've criticised his choice of shoes before but he can easily change those), who'd want to destroy someone like that?

I'm somewhat identified. I think you can be 4st ow and not look obese (when I was 4st heavier I looked heavy but not massive). He was honest he could have said it better that's for sure. Also, men are visual creatures I know a couple of men that were friendly with me, I lost weight (and changed how I look over all) and now they seem more "interested". Personality isn't everything it should but surely it isn't enough for. Me

Op have you ever had your thyroid checked? I ask because I had an under active thyroid (hypothyroidism) and I piled on the weight with it!

When I got married 19 years ago I weighed 7 & 1/2 stone, 5 DC later and I was 14 stone (and looked very fat). I'm only 5' 1 so it was very noticeable!!
My DH never commented on it (bless him) but I felt awful, I used to cover up with cardis, etc even on boiling hot days! I tried watching what I ate but nothing was working.

Then nearly 2 years ago the weight started literally falling off (I lost 3 stone inside 2 weeks)!
To cut a long story short, it turns out that the Consultant believes I have Crohn's Disease (still waiting for the confirmed diagnosis), hence the weight loss!
I've now lost 6 stone and I'm down to 8 stone but during the tests, investigations, etc they discovered I have Hypothyroidism which is why I couldn't lose the weight and it's just because I've been so ill that the weight fell off (I have lost all my appetite and when I do eat my body won't keep any food in it).

My DH is much more concerned about me being so ill and basically being house bound so much more than being slim even though I'm now lighter than I was when we met, and to flip the coin he has put on weight since we met but I love and fancy him more than I did when we met! To us it's about our life together, our history, our family and good old fashioned love and not looks!

Anyway, if might be worth going to your GP for some blood tests, etc.

The second is a choice and many people will be turned off by someone who makes themselves unattractive through overeating, drugs, self mutilation etc.

Arguably it is a choice to age naturally nowadays. Regardless, I don't think the cause makes much difference.

I don't think YABU. The way he said it was massively unkind and I bet it was super hurtful to think everything was ok and then be ambushed with the news that your husband isn't attracted to you.

However, as many many PPs have said - 4 stone is a huge amount and I'd be very surprised indeed if you didn't look fat ha oh gained that much. I'm 5"8 and used to weigh 11 st 7. I've now lost 2 stone, but at 11st 7 I looked fat, no two ways about it.