AIBU to be annoyed at husband for calling me fat?

[Camilne2701]

Since we have been married and had two kids I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge! He's been acting off for awhile so I just asked if something was wrong, and he just snapped. It's your weight that's a problem! I just don't find you attractive anymore you look nothing like you used too! And I know that makes me sound like a shallow pig but if you lost weight I would find you attractive! I was really upset I cried most of the week, joined a gym and have started a diet, made an effort to wear make up everyday.

I said he's no hunk himself, he's gone bald and his six pack has been covered by a belly! He said that's not fair because he can't help his hair loss.

I was hurt because he's always telling me I'm beautiful and look amazing. And when I asked him why he kept saying it he said, well what do you want me to do? Keep telling you you're a bombshell and you're gorgeous when you're not?

I'm just really annoyed because we have been fine and things have been going well. When I asked why was he so nasty about it he said sorry, but now I've just felt awful all week. I thought personality was more important.

I'm not even a mess! I wear dresses and do my hair,like fashion and people are always asking where I got my dress or whatever from. Ugh, I just don't understand? If I'd have completely let myself go I could understand? Now it's just been awkward and I feel hideous! Should I be annoyed or should I see it as him doing me a favour to be motivated?

Fucking hell. I agree with Mysteriouscurle.
All came out of the woodwork to say how "unhealthy" the OP is but that's beside the point.
Her wankpot of husband doesn't see what goes into that family and expects the great mother, the Victoria Secret model, Mrs Muscle cleaner woman and the Michelin 2star chef when he's what exactly?
My husband maintain the same weight, physical look etc since he was 18. I on the other hand have been, at 5'2, a 7st skinny runner to 11st flubby couch potato and everything in between and yet not once he turned around to say, he found me unattractive. He always did his fair share and above at home but he got me a trainer and cleared out his calendar so he was at home rain or shine when I had a gym session. He never said, he found me unattractive because he knew that would be the end. I have a lot more to offer than a skinny arse. Let's get real here.

OP, you need time off your life and to reassess what you want from yourself. I mean on a physical level. I'd never lose the weight for someone else. Only do it for you and he needs to pull his weight around the house. He has 2 kids ffs.

Christ, if I read the words "fat shaming" on here one more time... Honestly, I think people are dillusional about fat. If you're fat, you're fat. If that shames you, well then, do something about it.

OP, you've gained almost 50% of your original weight. Excessive by anyone's standards.

Maybe your husband is shallow, but in reality, physical sexual attraction is shallow.

First things first, ditch the whole packets of biscuits in the evening. Like seriously, this is not rocket science.

Or don't. Accept that he might not fancy you any more, make it work if you can. Or separate and find someone who fancies you at your new weight.

Aasking others if you look fat and them saying "no" is no guarantee for truth. They wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. You feel you don't look fat at over 14 stone, however, I would beg to differ. Unless you are very tall, I fail to see how anyone at that weight could not look fat. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, but that's my honest opinion.

Good luck with it.

I'm about three/four stone heavier than ten years ago. I've had kids and two have Sen. The youngest very affected. My youngest wakes up at 2am and is up for the rest of the night. But I feel awful and disgusting. I know I need to do something. And basically stopping too much food going into my mouth. He's not been overly tactful in his drivers though.

*delivery not drivers

Hahaha! Buy him a wig!! His birthday is coming up soon, his face would be a picture! I did try juice plus and lost a stone last year but I didn't enjoy feeling hungry all the time! When I first met him I looked better and he used to get jealous and at one point accused me and his friend of flirting! I used to get lots of attention but I'm not like that, I actually felt uncomfortable with it! And now I don't get attention I don't care, because most the guys would only talk to me because of how I looked anyway and I didn't think my husband was that kind of guy! I know if I lost weight I would get attention again and my husband would feel a tad insecure. It sounds really shallow of me to say that he's not the best looking guy but I was drawn to his personality, he had never even had a proper girlfriend until he started dating me! Ugh, I'm just moaning now. I just wanted to know what other people thought because friends and family don't want to hurt your feelings so asking strangers opinions seems better. He does help do dishes and put the kids to bed, but he spends all week at work on 5am starts and sometimes isn't home till 11pm! So I can't understand work can get boring and at least I'm spending time with the kids at home, so I don't expect him to loads. His mum says I pamper him, like I said he's not a horrible person, this was just a shock this nasty tone and unlike him which is why I'm upset/annoyed/furious etc.

Well it sounds to me like he's just given you his blessing to hand dc over to him a few times a week so you can go the gym

Don't do silly fad diets like juice plus! You need to adopt a way of eating that you can continue for the rest of your life. Most diets never work because once you've lost the weight and start eating a bit more normally again you'll regain the weight.
I lost 4 stone and still eat all the things I enjoyed before. I even have chocolate every day. I just have much smaller portions and pick healthier options.
An example of what I eat:
Breakfast - protein yogurt with strawberries and seeds on top.
Snack - babybel and an apple
Lunch - bacon, egg and small portion of beans
Dinner - spag Bol but will have a tiny portion of pasta and then bulk up the sauce with lots of chunky veg. I'll then usually have a freddo and a mug of hot chocoate for afters.

I'm not saying the way I eat is perfect but I managed to drop a few stone and haven't had to sacrifice the things I like too much. Cutting back a bit on carbs, not eating after 7pm and rarely having alcohol have really helped. And also being mindful of snacking. If I want a biscuit I'll have one but will force myself to not have anymore than one.
You can do it!

Ugh, he sounds horrible. He's put on two stone and scoffs burgers and pop and junk and has a beer belly, but you still have have to be a bombshell?

Fuck it, leave him and find someone better.

I'm exhausted most days from being up all hours and he never lifts a finger, I do everything and things are great the only problem is my weight. I just feel sad that I can't be perfect!

You have bigger issues than your weight. He never lifts a finger? 'you do everything and things are great'?

Things wouldn't be great in my house if I did everything...

You could lose 14 stone straight away...

Well I'm about the same as you OP and I know I need to lose it because I'm fat. Not as fat as some people but definitely fat. And now I'm in my 40s it's that much harder to shift. Lose it now while you can. Use his tactlessness as a motivation & start eating healthily together, that way he might lose weight too. Regardless of how he feels about your weight loss, you'll feel miles better.

Oh trust me I have tried to offer him salads and healthy food but he passes it up, I know it's hypocritical because I'm overweight but he wants me to change but won't change? Not that I ever minded anyway. I said to him I had posted online and wanted opinions and he said he will even give me money to buy proper gym clothes to motivate me, as now it's leggings and his t-shirts I wear to go! I just don't want to turn bitter, maybe I won't. But because I'm upset still I keep telling myself I'LL SHOW YOU!! Then think when I lose weight... oh you want me now I'm thin?? But I wasn't good enough before. I'm just still upset and ranting.

Yes, you probably do need to lose weight (sorry). So yes, do that if you like.

But, your DH sounds unpleasant tbh. He didn't like the male attention you got when you were slimmer and made you feel bad about it. Now you're heavier and he doesn't like that either and compares you unfavourably to his mate's new gf? He sounds immature at best, bullyish at worst.

He sounds like an insensitive arse. Lose weight if you want to then trade him in for a sexier model without a belly.

Bit shitty mentioning his baldness when he can't help if his hair is falling out.

Also a bit shitty mentioning her weight gain when it was a side-effect of her bringing their children into the world. Not everyone snaps back into their old clothes, even with effort. Sometimes the body changes permanently after pregnancy and childbirth and that can't be helped either...

I did think that to myself when I went to the gym how it was full of hot guys and I know I have the confidence to talk to them. I'm not a shy person, but I'm not like that really I'm a homebody, I just want the happy family life. I'm old fashioned!

Tell him you'll lose a stone for every stone he loses

Op,I mean this gently.

Firstly there is the weight issue. As a previous poster said, if you're now 14 stone and met him at 9 stone, you will look very different and unless you're incredibly tall you will look fat. Stop asking people. Few to none will be honest. Your husband has just been honest, albeit lacking in tact and look at the reaction he's getting. It's not fat shaming it is what it is.

Secondly your husband. You say up until this outburst he comments positivelyon you all the time. He compliments you. He works incredibly long hours. From 5am to 11 pm he's out of the house. I doubt he can be expected to do much in the six hours he's home, especiallyif you're a stay at home mum. I'm not sure this slagging him off is fair.

So yes, this one outburst where he was lacking in tact and handled it badly. He's apologised for the way he handled it. Time to move on, look at the bigger pic of your marriage and put that one outburst in context.

Then address the weight issue. If you don't want to lose weight fair enough, but accept he may not be physically attracted to you and that could damage a relationship. It's not shallow.fancying someone is more than just their personality. Again it is what it is. However as said, it sounds like he loves you, so you need to think about that. Do you love him? If so I'd maybe stop slagging him off in line for the fact he told you you were fat.

He's still putting pressure on his exhausted DW to add to her already unreasonable workload in order to be attractive to him, while point-blank refusing to do likewise. I think OP should use her limited energy in whatever way she sees fit during this very tiring phase of her life and it sounds like she's choosing to use it keeping family life ticking over single-handed. Time enough to worry about all this once the kids are sleeping and are off to school.

Owch OP that must have been terrible to hear. Good luck with your healthy eating and exercise plan.
The best advice I've ever had is to cut out sugar and carbs. Fill up on meat (if not veggie), eggs, vegetables and nuts. Weight falls off. Check out the Diet Doctor website.
YANBU to feel hurt but HINBU to let you know how he feels. Better now than a year down the line?

You've both developed a few bad habits which, at 30, are already affecting you badly.

I suggest you swallow your pride, make friends and decide to get healthy and fit together. For the sake of your DC if nothing else. Set yourselves small manageable targets and follow some sort of an eating plan until you are confident about making the right choices. The gym is secondary to this.

Good luck.

The OP has already said she's veggie I think.

If I lost 4st and he did, he would be 9st! He's 6ft 3! Hahaha. Sorry to laugh, but he'd look ill in the other direction to me, it wouldn't bother me if he wanted to do that but I'd worry he would be ill. If I got to a healthy weight he'd become unhealthy. Ideally I'd just like it if he liked me for me. I used to have really long hair but I cut it last year and he said if I ever cut my hair he'd leave me! He always says he was joking but now I joke oh should never have cut my hair!! I'm a woman now not young like when I met him, I really don't want to wear mini skirts and crop tops anymore! He even said about a top I wore with leggings that he remembers when I used to wear dresses that short. He's always been kind, and never pressured me, we've always got along. Maybe I was wrong? I just feel like now I'm a mother I don't want to dress like I'm going clubbing all the time. I'm not frumpy but I feel uncomfortable with my cleavage out and skirts higher than me knee lol!! Sorry to go on!

OP may be exhausted but it doesn't exactly require much effort to stop eating a pack of biscuits every day and cut down a bit on carbs and portion size. No ones saying she has to be out running marathons. If she doesn't have time for the gym then I'm sure she could fit in a 20 min exercise dvd at home each day. People make so many excuses for not losing weight, it really doesn't have to be a something that takes hours of exercise and surviving on salads every day

Oh no I wasn't slagging him off as someone said, he truly works hard I appreciate that.

For you to have took this badly thought you're clearly not feeling confident frankly id loose weight (just lost a stone on slimming world) to piss him off totally and then ask him what's he going to do about his weight,baldness and bad attitude !