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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at husband for calling me fat?

149 replies

Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 16:46

Since we have been married and had two kids I have gained 4 stone. I don't look FAT. Overweight, yes but I'm not huge! He's been acting off for awhile so I just asked if something was wrong, and he just snapped. It's your weight that's a problem! I just don't find you attractive anymore you look nothing like you used too! And I know that makes me sound like a shallow pig but if you lost weight I would find you attractive! I was really upset I cried most of the week, joined a gym and have started a diet, made an effort to wear make up everyday.

I said he's no hunk himself, he's gone bald and his six pack has been covered by a belly! He said that's not fair because he can't help his hair loss.

I was hurt because he's always telling me I'm beautiful and look amazing. And when I asked him why he kept saying it he said, well what do you want me to do? Keep telling you you're a bombshell and you're gorgeous when you're not?

I'm just really annoyed because we have been fine and things have been going well. When I asked why was he so nasty about it he said sorry, but now I've just felt awful all week. I thought personality was more important.

I'm not even a mess! I wear dresses and do my hair,like fashion and people are always asking where I got my dress or whatever from. Ugh, I just don't understand? If I'd have completely let myself go I could understand? Now it's just been awkward and I feel hideous! Should I be annoyed or should I see it as him doing me a favour to be motivated?

OP posts:
WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/06/2017 17:20

If your sleep is regularly disrupted it's really hard not to put on weight, there's research on this. Perhaps if he took his turn being default parent you would have more energy to exercise and to improve your diet.

Teddy6767 · 18/06/2017 17:21

You don't need the gym. I lost 3 stone just by sticking to 1400 calories a day and doing things like squats, sit ups and press ups in the house to tone me up a bit.

Original poster
Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 17:21

I'm a vegetarian and I eat really healthy in the day, but come night time I reach for biscuits and it's pretty disgusting I could eat a whole packet to myself. Plus I don't work, I can't get out to walk far or go on long walks because one kid is only 3 and can hardly take them on a hike, it was easier with the pram I could walk for ages, plus was working and now I do no exercise, maybe when they go to nursery I'll have more time to exercise. I can still run 5k no problem though! Even if I am a bit wobbly, it's just finding time and mostly energy! He drinks fizzy drinks and eats kebabs and burgers all the time, he's put on two stone but really his hair doesn't bother me I was just trying to point out he's changed too and I never mentioned it. He said he won't go to the gym because he's not got time and I said well that's up to you. I don't think he's having an affair or anything but his friends are unmarried with no kids and ones just got a new girlfriend who's about ten stone and she brings out her mates when they are out. I feel like he feels he's the friend out the bunch with the fat wife! I did say that to him and he said don't be ridiculous. He says he said it in the wrong way, and he's said sorry so I can't keep making him say sorry. I just wonder if I should drop it and move on and push through! Course I would feel better being slimmer but it's never bothered me I'm not, I don't wear baggy clothes just what I used to wear buy bigger size. I don't think anyone is being mean here it's just people's opinions so I can't gather if I'm being unreasonable moping over it.

OP posts:
AfunaMbatata · 18/06/2017 17:22

He's a dickhead op. Don't lose weight unless you want to. Four stone hardly makes you a different person ffs, you're still you! Angry

Nquartz · 18/06/2017 17:22

Get my fitness pal & start tracking what you eat, when I did it it was enlightening & I found it motivating.
Yes the way he told you was very hurtful but if my DH put on 4 stone I just wouldn't fancy him anymore

Birdsgottaf1y · 18/06/2017 17:23

It's My Fitness Pal that most people log what they're eating on to.

OP you will probably be shocked at how much you are overeating.

Mysteriouscurle · 18/06/2017 17:24

Here we go again. Horrible man expects you to do all the shitwork then complains you don't look nice and a load of posters come along and say "its not healthy" . Do none of you ever do anything unhealthy? Yes you do. Its just that if you eat too much and are fat you are a terrible person. Getting a bit sick of MNs attitude to this. Is no one going to say how well OP is doing to manage her life looking after dc with and unsupportive twat in the background. No. She should lose weight because. its unhealthy. Bollocks is this all about health. Its shallow and about vanity else why is there hardly any handwringing about smoking drinking to excess spending too long in the sun etc

TheNaze73 · 18/06/2017 17:26

4 stone is a massive amount to put on. His delivery was insensitive but, I get his sentiment.
You can lose it though. 80% eating, 20% exercise.
Good luck

Bluntness100 · 18/06/2017 17:26

I think you might be kidding yourself about your weight, I'm sorry, physically you will look very different with a four stone weight gain from what you used to. He has however handled it insensitively. Possibly as he didn't know how to handle it. He brooded on it and blurted it out.

However on saying that if you don't want to lose weight don't. It's a personal decision, but do also accept his feelings on the matter. Personality. Of course is critical. But finding someone physically attractive does also go on appearance. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you though.

Hulder · 18/06/2017 17:26

If you are now 13 st or more, then unless you are very tall, you are going to be at the top end of overweight or into obese on the BMI scale voice of bitter experience

So sorry, you probably do look fat. I refused to believe that I was obese but I was - all my colleagues said 'but you don't look fat'.

Diet loses far more weight than exercise.

Birdsgottaf1y · 18/06/2017 17:28

""Don't lose weight unless you want to. Four stone hardly makes you a different person ffs,""

It's five stone, all in and that makes a massive difference to you physically. as said, i've put on four stone.

If it's creeping on gradually and the OP doesn't think she is fat, how big will she have to get before she realises?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/06/2017 17:33

Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
I think he was bloody cruel, the way he said it, and I can't help but wonder, if there's more to it.
Do consider losing some weight, you'll like the new you, and if he doesn't improve, you might consider losing him! 😄

Original poster
Camilne2701 · 18/06/2017 17:33

Yeah I'm just a little over 14st, I have asked people I know do I look fat? And it's not helpful when they say no or you're curvy, you hold it well etc. But really I've never thought about it too much, I felt happy. Happy family, happy kids, thought husband was happy. It's only since the second child that I've got fat and that it's hard to get out walking now and really can't afford childcare. I was worried about joining the gym and if we could afford it but I was really angry so joined one anyway! So now I feel I can't waste the money spent on that, and it wasn't cheap! People are not being mean, I just felt upset and yeah I did wonder does he love me anymore? Part of me feels like maybe he is being shallow, he even said himself he feels bad because it makes him look shallow but sorry he just doesn't like bigger women. I am thinking to myself, well good luck when you hit 50 and look like someone's grandad or something, I said I can't look 25 forever! Even though I'm 30 lol.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBag · 18/06/2017 17:33

My DH has put on 3 stone and it really puts me off him.

He eats junk food all the time, and drinks too ,much booze.

But I'm not allowed to mention it because it's "fat-shaming".

CorbynsBumFlannel · 18/06/2017 17:35

Well I think your husband sounds awful and with his attitude plus baldness and weight gain he needs to get out of his glass house before throwing stones.
Most people change how they look - especially after having kids. You'll also age, go grey etc. If he needs you to look the way you did when you met then he's not really cut out for a long term relationship. Buy him a wig and ltb (semi joking).

Ilovebaconbutimonadiet · 18/06/2017 17:35

He might have worded it in an inappropriate way, but 4 stones is a huge amount of weight OP, I would be mortified to gain 4
Stones + you don't gain them overnight. You seem to be in denial, sorry

MerrilyWatkins · 18/06/2017 17:36

I rarely post but this has really wound me up. I totally agree with Mysteriouscurle. Is he helping you in any way? Giving you time to exercise, taking care not to bring crap into the house? I put on loads of weight when I was a SAHM because it is relentless hard work - my husband never ever mentioned it because he loves ME: the person I am, the work I was putting in to raising our children was far more important than the fact that I was overweight. I have a friend who says that her husband would never tolerate it if she got fat - well, in my opinion, that just makes him an arse.

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2017 17:36

Yeah I'm just a little over 14st, I have asked people I know do I look fat?

Please stop doing this.

It just makes other people feel really uncomfortable.

missymayhemsmum · 18/06/2017 17:38

Give him a choice- either both of you go for a healthy lifestyle change working to support each other, or he shuts up and appreciates you the way you are. Neither of you are the size and shape you were pre-family.

Goingtobeawesome · 18/06/2017 17:39

He needs to start lifting a finger to free you to exercise, go walking, start a college course, etc anything that shows him you're not here to service him.

Teddy6767 · 18/06/2017 17:39

When I gained 4 stone I went from a size 8 to a size 16. I was completely in denial and would squeeze myself into size 12-14 clothes that looked ridiculous on me.
Eating a whole pack of biscuits most nights could be 1000 calories on top of what you're having for meals. I cut my calories down to 1400 per day and was losing 2 pounds every week. You could lose 3-4 stone in 7-8 months if you really stuck to it.

DisappearingFish · 18/06/2017 17:40

How you look is the least of your worries, really. You're just eating yourself into an early grave.

I do sympathise, life is hectic looking after 3 kids. Even cutting out the binge eating will make a difference.

Don't do it for your husband, do it for yourself and your kids. Flowers

Crispsheets · 18/06/2017 17:42

You both need to lose weight.

SeagullsStoleMyChurro · 18/06/2017 17:45

Oh OP you have asked the wrong forum about this issue...
MN is not a healthy place on the subject of food and weight, no matter how much it gets disguised as head-tilty concern for your health.