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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
Dizzy2009 · 19/06/2017 13:23

It sounds like he didn't stand up to her, he never does, that's the impression I get. TBH, the relationship between them sounds to me as though it's emotionally abusive, she manipulates him and he doesn't realise it. A clear sign of this is her use of the waterworks. She tried it with the op but it doesn't work with her.
Agreeing to his DM's demand to speak to him alone was unacceptable, op felt she had to leave her own home and that's not on.
My MIL and my DM are both guilty of emotional blackmail sometimes and it's very hard to deal with, as obviously with a mum it's been going on for a lifetime.

Taylor22 · 19/06/2017 13:28

At first this was funny.

It's not funny anymore OP you have a massive husband problem. He's a sackless pos.
what the hell is he doing not standing up to that bitch and letting her not only bad mouth you all weekend with no repercussions but also force you out of your home so she could bitch about you again to your husband!?
Seriously what's your plan of action here?

I'd tell DH and MIL of course you're not pregnant. How could you Be when his balls are permanently in her bag and how could you possibly sleep with someone still up his mothers vagina?

ememem84 · 19/06/2017 13:36

Ah the old "putting on weight must be pregnant" thing. Mil did this to me (not with weight but with me not drinking due to a throat infection and beinggn advised by my gp to go no alcohol for 8weeks (as well as no spicy food/no irritating food etc)) she told the entire family.

This was 3 years ago. she then, when I told the family I wasn't, accused me of making her look stupid.

I am lucky in the sense that she lives 12500 miles away. So we rarely have to put up with her. Also dh now stands up to her. Not for me (I'm more than capable of doing that myself) but for himself.

Hortonlovesahoo · 19/06/2017 13:40

Let's wait for the OP to return and say what her DP said to his DM. It doesn't sound like he stands up to her but i'm hoping to be proved wrong.

Original poster
AmberStClare · 19/06/2017 13:49

Left early for work so have only just caught up with DP. MIL was waiting with cases when he arrived at the B&B and had some delusion he was driving her home. He put her straight on that as had work today just a later start than me.

She started a rant about my drinking saying it would be bad for the baby. She checked the fridge I would imagine before I got home last week and saw the Prosecco chilling. I was having a beer when she arrived yesterday as well. DP has told her again I am not pregnant but she is having none of it, says I have a really fat tummy on me!

DP told she was being very tactless and rude so she started crying again. He turfed her out at the station and drove off leaving her and no he did not pay for the B&B.

Famalam will indeed be trained to protect both of us and a scratching claw sharpening post is waiting for her.

OP posts:
Reow · 19/06/2017 13:52

She's fucking bonkers OP.

Next time you see her have a cushion up your top and see if she says anything.

Freyanna · 19/06/2017 13:54

AmberStClare Your MIL is truly delusional, glad to hear your DP is not putting up with the nonsense.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 19/06/2017 13:55

You and dp sound like you make a great team op!! He has shown you where is loyalties are. . Quite rare on mn!!

prettywhiteguitar · 19/06/2017 13:56

She sounds like my mother, whom I don't see anymore. None of this behaviour is about how much she loves her son ! It's about control

HappyLabrador · 19/06/2017 14:00

Christ, she's a bloody nutcase. A narcissistic, incredibly rude, delusional nutcase.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/06/2017 14:01

I think you handled it pretty well, all round - but your DP did a total cop-out when his mum looked at him in shock after you said she could stay at the B&B every time - he should have met her gaze and said something to back you up!
By failing to meet her eye, he has fully shown that YOU are in charge of the situation and he doesn't necessarily agree with you but he's not going to stand up to you about it either. What a wuss!

I'm disappointed in him for you.

He needs to get his head round this properly.

The pregnancy thing isn't amusing - it's just a sneaky way of saying you look fat, and you're behaving irrationally because of hormones - in other words, she expects you to behave differently next time.

I hope you can take some useful advice from this thread to your DP (do NOT show him though!!) and help him to realise that his mother's behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable, and it's his job to make sure she realises it. YOu don't want this to continue, or even get worse, so you need to make sure he "gets it" ASAP.

Dizzy2009 · 19/06/2017 14:02

Well done to your DH for standing up to his DM. You've both handled it brilliantly.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/06/2017 14:20

Ha - well that will teach me to write a long post while watching tv and therefore cross-post with you and miss the crucial update!

Well done him - he's done far better than his earlier behaviour suggested he would, hurrah! Seems like he has "got it" already after all! Wine

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/06/2017 14:20

OMG - I'm just after reading the latest on this. She actually thought her son was driving her home and not to the train station?? Did she manage to convince someone at the start of all of this to drive her all the way down to you guys??? I'd think not!
Well done to MrAmber for dropping her to the train station, for saying that she was being tactless and rude and finally (one of my concerns) for not paying her B&B stay considering she wasn't expected down for a visit in the first place!!!

Enjoy many bottles of beer and prosecco (though probably not at the same time) Amber

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/06/2017 14:47

She's just unbelievable!

Original poster
AmberStClare · 19/06/2017 14:55

I was sorely tempted to say to DP that MIL would have a really fat lip on her after the tummy comment!

We are finishing the Prosecco and strawberries tonight.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 19/06/2017 15:18

Wow Shock
she wanted him to do a long drive in this heat, when she's got a train ticket.
I bet a lot of people are reading this and thinking my Mil's not so bad really Grin

MikeUniformMike · 19/06/2017 15:29

Well done OP. You handled it all very well.
ememem, that sounds like something my mother would do. She is hard of hearing and misinterprets what I say then repeats it. As a result I never tell her anything. Her loss.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 19/06/2017 15:38

She's doubled-down on the crazy, hasn't she? She thinks a lot of herself to have assumed he'd have taken a day off work to drive her home from her completely unplanned and inconvenient trip.

I'd keep an eye on this baby nonsense though - if she starts telling people you're pregnant then she's going to need to cover herself down the line when it becomes obvious you're not. Based on this I wouldn't put it past her to create a narrative in which your drinking led to a loss, or something equally twisted.

Hulder · 19/06/2017 15:48

Oh dear, has your DP had a pleasant but intense relationship with her up until now?

Because it will be sad for him to see that she was essentially batshit all along.

ohfourfoxache · 19/06/2017 16:08

I agree with Coffee - she is batshit enough to make up a long and convoluted story as to why you're not pregnant. Be careful.

buttfacedmiscreant · 19/06/2017 17:01

My MIL "informed" us she was coming to visit one time. It was a mental month at work for DH and he told her that didn't work for us because he is always busy that month. She came anyway and stayed and made a horrid month more horrid.

The next year she did the same thing. DH once again told her very clearly that that month doesn't work but she said she had already bought her tickets. DH offered to call and change them, he offered to pay extra for her to come in peak season but she declined. So he told her we were going to be away during that time (an invention but it really was a bad month and hosting her then would affect his job security).

She came anyway.

We left for the weekend and she had to go to a hotel. She was very upset.

She didn't do it again.

I felt like shit but she refused to listen. She was retired and could come anytime. She chose to ignore us.

So long-arse way of explaining that being polite and making the best of a bad situation is not always the best way to handle it.

Siwdmae · 19/06/2017 18:30

My parents decided to visit when my DH and my db who lives nearby were both on nights. I told her no, she said they'd be quiet. I said no, it's not fair on you having to creep round a little semi, nor would it be fair on my DH who'd be in bed. Phone was slammed down and they didn't speak to me for weeks (oh joy!) They were both retired and could have come any time. I just didn't understand, it wasn't anyone's birthday or anything. Mother dear just wanted her own way.

nigelsbigface · 19/06/2017 18:37

The way she has behaved has been outrageous-do you think there might actually be something wrong with her?
I only ask because my mum behaves like this (and worse sometimes) and I've suspected for a little while that she had a mini stroke some time ago (she had a feinting episode out of the blue that wadnt explained and hasn't been the same since), and that has affected her and her behaviour but you would have to be fairly close to her to catch on.
Nevertheless, on the face of it you have dealt well with this. And glad dp stuck up for you.

Ceto · 19/06/2017 19:03

We are finishing the Prosecco and strawberries tonight.

Take a photo and send it to her - tell her that you are enjoying it because you are not pregnant.