This is why we get so annoyed at incompetent/lazy/uncaring/you name it husbands

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Had friends over day before DS and I came back to UK to visit family for 2.5 weeks. the husband was H's friend from school, and we've since all become pretty good friends (i.e. not just my friends).

Leftover cut-up carrots and some lettuce from dinner in a couple containers in the fridge. I say to H - will you eat these as DS and I are going to be gone and can't? (since they are things i know he would eat otherwise). He says yes. I say, ok, if you don't want to eat them just throw it out and wash the tubs. Also half the lettuce that I didn't use is still in a bag in fridge.

Get home 2.5 weeks later. the carrots are going slimy, and i haven't even dared look in the container with the chopped lettuce, let alone the bag with the half lettuce. It's now almost a week since we got back and it's all still sitting there.

Am I crazy? I didn't tell him he had to eat it. If he'd said in the first place he had no intention of eating it, I'd probably have thrown it out or offered some to friends/neighbours I know don't mind taking food that would otherwise get wasted. And told him that if he didn't eat it before he went off, just chuck it.

If I don't clear it out, it will sit in the fridge til i get fed up and point it out to him. But I shouldn't even have to point it out to him. He was at home for almost 3 weeks by himself, and it's not like they were hidden or anything. These items were pretty much the only things in the fridge when i left, and the only things in the fridge when i got back.

Pond - you are exactly right. It's difficult to disengage when his actions/inactions are affecting my future so negatively, but so much better for me to just accept he will always choose the most selfish and asshole-ish route. i've basically told myself $50k of our savings is essentially gone, and no point in thinking about ways to save it. and i've decided DS and I deserve a holiday, even if I have to dip into savings a little. stbx hasn't been told that until we actually agree on a split of assets, all the money is still community property. so really he is still paying for everything, the pot will just be smaller at the end the longer he drags it on (that plus his pension etc is still community property).

started a new thread (seething with anger) because i got so angry - he's now taken to completely denying OW even exists (ummm ok when i have all your hotel and plane ticket confirmations that you bought for the two of you...).

Sorry he's being such a shit. Just remember that you know what you know. He can deny OW til the cows come home but that doesn't change your truth. So let him lie. Don't give him the satisfaction of getting upset at his lies. It's what he wants. In his twisted mind your upset means that you still care enough about him to be upset about his cheating. You need show supreme indifference to his peccadillos, even if you don't feel it.

He's already proved himself unworthy of you in a million other ways. Don't let him twist you up over this one. It may be the worst, but it's not the only reason you've left him.

just found out from a little birdie, that OW is being transferred here. i'm relieved that i wasn't concerned when i heard, feel like that's a step in detaching and also that i'm right that any love i had for stbx gone/well on its way. but i am interested to see if he will start up with her again now that he's sort of "free".

in other news, he's continuing his jackass ways, and trying to extend this out as long as possible. never mind the long term negative effect on both myself and DS. narc STBX just wants to stick it to me because he's pissed i would dare leave him.

Poor DS - i decided i had to be honest with him, and while he was asking about our having separate houses, told him we may not always be able to stay in this one (i'd need a miracle job to be able to afford it by myself), and he actually took it really well. All the switching back and forth between houses is also starting to get to him too.

also seems to think that the lure of a green card would make me want to stay married to him for at least another year, let along the lying to the US government that would be required. F that!

I have a feeling that his jackass ways have contributed quite a bit to your detachment and the death of your feelings for him. More power to the OW, hope she's happy to have won the 'prize'.

I think now that you've told DS he may actually be a bit more settled. It just takes time and routine.

Of course he's drawing shit out. He's hoping you come to your senses . And of course lying to the Govt is well worth it when he's the prize!

I didn't want to post too much while it was all ongoing, but divorce will be finalized in soon, and I can head home with DS. woohoo - so thrilled to be able to say EX now instead of stbx.

And best part, finally put cheating EXH behind me.

Even though the last year has been crap trying to get to this, the one relief has been that he had to move out and I didn't have to deal with his incompetent crap at home except for how it related to the divorce and anything he messed up for DS. Unbelievable how much extra time I had because I wasn't busy clearing up his messes.

Glad things are getting resolved, you're on the up!

All good news it seems

Well done Expat!

You have been fantastic!!

I'm so happy you're almost there and will be heading home soon

I am sad that we're leaving - this big of a change is never easy. But it's the right thing to do for DS in the long run. This whole process proved to me that Ex is and was a self-centred liar, and it was all about the money in the end, not keeping DS close so he could see him often.

He dragged this out for almost a year, wasted tens of thousands of dollars, and I am still getting almost everything I asked for last summer, with the exception of him refusing to pay a decent amount of child support because he'll have to travel to see his own DS. And then on top of that has only opted to see him once a month (when he could have every other weekend).

but i do take satisfaction knowing that DS and I will make a good life, and ex will never be able to be happy because he's incapable.

congratulations!

Well, that sucks about the support, but in the long run as long as you can make it, it's better that you're getting away and back home, where you have family and real support.

TBH, I have a feeling that the 'once a month' visits will dwindle off to nothing in 6 months to a year. In the long run that might not be such a bad thing since your Ex is incapable of unselfishness or setting a good example of what a good man is for your son!