This is why we get so annoyed at incompetent/lazy/uncaring/you name it husbands

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Had friends over day before DS and I came back to UK to visit family for 2.5 weeks. the husband was H's friend from school, and we've since all become pretty good friends (i.e. not just my friends).

Leftover cut-up carrots and some lettuce from dinner in a couple containers in the fridge. I say to H - will you eat these as DS and I are going to be gone and can't? (since they are things i know he would eat otherwise). He says yes. I say, ok, if you don't want to eat them just throw it out and wash the tubs. Also half the lettuce that I didn't use is still in a bag in fridge.

Get home 2.5 weeks later. the carrots are going slimy, and i haven't even dared look in the container with the chopped lettuce, let alone the bag with the half lettuce. It's now almost a week since we got back and it's all still sitting there.

Am I crazy? I didn't tell him he had to eat it. If he'd said in the first place he had no intention of eating it, I'd probably have thrown it out or offered some to friends/neighbours I know don't mind taking food that would otherwise get wasted. And told him that if he didn't eat it before he went off, just chuck it.

If I don't clear it out, it will sit in the fridge til i get fed up and point it out to him. But I shouldn't even have to point it out to him. He was at home for almost 3 weeks by himself, and it's not like they were hidden or anything. These items were pretty much the only things in the fridge when i left, and the only things in the fridge when i got back.

[TheSnorkMaidenReturns]

Good luck .

[AcrossthePond55]

Then best of luck on a quick and smooth transition!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

sadly i think he's going to be an asshole. but he ain't seen nothing yet, when it comes down to it and i hate admitting it, but i take after my mother and he's going to wish he'd never met me by the time i'm done if he gives me any hassle.

[RandomMess]

KOKO

[AcrossthePond55]

You GO, girl!☠️😆

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

omg. now that i've really stopped picking up his slack, it's so much worse than i thought it would be. i cannot wait to get my life back.

[AcrossthePond55]

Patience. Patience and deep breaths. Keep your temper and don't show your hand.

Hope you are able to get free soon.

[Charlie97]

Your title said "husbands", assuming you have just one you are talking about? Then you ABVU to assume that all husbands are the same as yours.

NRTFT but it's not about carrot and lettuce is it?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

AcrossthePond - ah we are past that stage now. hands shown, and he knows what's going to happen. there's a potential slight kink in the plans but i don't expect it to actually come through. i think he is delusional about how this whole process works. keeps saying, i don't know how this works but has hands, a computer and the internet. oh i didn't ask the lawyer i saw about that - well wtf did you ask the lawyer about then?

HighlyCompetent - today was a slew of, "what should i feed DS, what should we have for dinner, what have we got in the fridge to eat, these are our three options - you tell me what we should have, i've chosen dinner - you tell me if there are all the ingredients in the fridge, what should i do about the fact that we don't have the ingredients for dinner."
i feel somewhat proud of the fact that for the most part, i said, you keep claiming you can handle this stuff so handle it and/or you've got eyes and can look in the fridge/freezer. i totally give your threads some credit for that, as well as the pp here who reminded me "i don't know" is a perfectly good response also. I wonder what he thinks will happen when we are no longer co-habiting? does he think i'm going to organize all the meals he makes for him and DS at his place? (although that is a worry, as he has past habit of not feeding DS at all when i'm out). does he think he'll get to come over and we'll sit down to family dinners every night?
And yes, basically everything you've written here is what applies in my life. I am in the process of ummarrying him, although the difference between you and I if i recall correctly is that I did become a SAHM while we are expat and don't have my own job to fall back on yet. I hope to someday soon get that back. Our situation is also somewhat complicated by the expat factor. Even so, I'm determined to get my life back on track and build my and DS future. Somehow, now that i've made it clear this is happening, he still expects me to make sacrifices and compromises that benefit mostly him. we've just started discussing finances, and he didn't even consider the fact that we've been contributing to his work savings and pensions plans and other retirement funds while we contributed nothing to mine would count.
I've also come to realize that it's also about control. Your ex seemed like a more benevolent type of incompetent husband. Mine is also controlling. Keeps saying, "well don't i get a say in where you live? Oh, it might make it slightly less convenient to visit DS." Umm, hello, we are going to live where I can get a job, not where it's most convenient for you. (we are not moving to the wilderness, we are essentially going back to where we lived before he took the expat assignment). I think he thinks he'll get to approve or veto any house or apartment I choose for me and DS to live in. Keeps trying to tell me it'll be to my benefit to do what he wants (stay in US), while all the risk (potentially being deported while having to leave DS behind) is on me.

charlie - my OP said "we" and "husbands" referring to people like HighlyCompetent and myself. unfortunately it is a fact that there are more of us than there should be. isn't that what a lot of MN posts are about?

I saw a really helpful counsellor who was rather blunt. She helped me see a bit that I am still letting him control the situation, due in part in her opinion to lingering "trauma" and "triggers" from him cheating. Once I start making the decisions that I truly personally want, I will get control of my life back and my mental state will greatly improve.

re the carrot and lettuce - he finally cleared it out about 2.5 weeks after i got home when i finally got fed up and pointed it out to him. he "forgot" it was in there despite the fact that they were basically the only things in the fridge while we were gone.

whew, feel much better after that rant. the mindfuckery of this whole situation really gets to me sometimes.

[RandomMess]

Just keep going, I think he is fighting it because he doesn't want to take back the domestic drudgery. The reality is he'll eat out, get a cleaner and then moan like hell how he's broke because his ew-wife cleared him out or some such like.

[peppalongstocking]

Rant away! Hope you're doing ok, OP!!!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

peppa - thanks, doing ok. rather sleepless nights and losing weight right now (bonus, right?!), but resolved. every time he opens his mouth it confirms i'm doing the right thing. such as when he suggests delaying surgery to get a second opinion about my diagnosis because the US drs are just trying to get his money. reminding myself hourly, daily, as often as need be that he is a pathological liar, a cheater, selfish and is out for himself.

HighlyCompetent - hah actually the starve part is a slight worry. he has left DS4 to go hungry before when i'm not around. and made other choices safety wise. i think he knows realistically i will be primary custodian, so at least there is that, but that he also thinks he gets a much greater say in how i will parent and how my life will be. seriously wouldn't be surprised if he thought we would sit down to family dinners every night (although he says of course he knows that's not the case).
DS4 is good about telling him some stuff but not others - hunger is sometimes overlooked because he is too busy playing with his toys (ie is hungry but won't admit because he doesn't want to have to stop playing), but H doesn't have the parental instinct to override in the best interest of DS.
Maintenance shouldn't be an issue, I hope, although in the vein of what i wrote above, i will not be surprised if he tries to pay the absolute minimum possible. I've seen some of the amounts posted on MN for UK child support and some are unbelievably low, so it's not that bad, but i also wouldn't be eligible for any social housing benefits, and i'm not sure yet about child tax benefits (but it's minimal compared to UK i believe).

he is also trying to place all the blame for this back on my shoulders. that since i'm the one making the decision to leave, he should get what he wants/his wants are more important than mine and DS' needs. and that i "have to" do x, y, z because he says so. does not like to be reminded that i wouldn't want to leave if he weren't a lying cheating bastard.

i think lawyers will be involved this week. that feels like a good decision because it will result in a firmer sort of separation than if we had to sort things between us. he is obsessed with the idea of forcing me to "work together". again, a control/manipulation tactic.

i cannot wait to get my life back. that's a good motivator! i want control of my life back and if i did not have to coparent with him, nothing would make me happier. everything i've done/am doing is based on trying to make best decisions for DS.

[AcrossthePond55]

Lawyers is a very good idea. His forcing you to 'work together' is code for 'I will bully you until I get my way'. Ditto for the 'you're leaving me so I should get everything we have as 'compensation', you owe me this'.

I guess all you can do is say 'yeah, dude, whatevs' and go your own way.

If you don't mind my asking, are we talking weeks or months here until you can move out?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

pond - weeks. the surgery really put a kink in things, althought it was chicken and egg, perhaps i wouldn't have gotten this much resolve if the health stuff hadn't prompted his shitty response. planning for as soon as the dr gives all clear at postop checkup. i'm going to call the doctor and ask if postop has to be here or not. my dad will drive down and either haul his trailer or i rent one, then load and go.
i have one consult in for wednesday (long weekend and all that) and am in contact with the other lawyer by email. the more he opens his mouth, the more it firms my decision. he thinks i don't get as much say because i'm the one leaving, which also confirms that he doesn't understand all this is happening because he's a cheater and won't take responsibility.
he's now bringing one of his family members here to support him because he's busy playing the victim. mum has offered to fly over week of surgery to help me out, but i'm not sure that will go well at all since she now knows everything, so undecided there.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think you need to seriously consider having your mum come over. You can be sure that whoever this 'family member' is of "Mr Wonderful's' that it's someone who will help him harass you, even in PA ways. You don't need that when you're recovering from surgery. You need, at the very least, a bit of peace and quiet. Barring that, someone to tell your stbx to stfu!

As far as him bleating about what a victim he is and what he deserves, well, 'the dogs bark but the caravan passes on'. Let him say and think whatever he wants. Don't respond or be drawn out. If you want to irritate him say 'Well, that's for our attorneys to work out' unless of course he doesn't know you've consulted one. In which case keep that bit of info to yourself! And don't be a bit surprised to find out that he's already seen a lawyer. One who may have told him the truth about what you're entitled to. That may be another reason he's trying to get you to verbally agree to some ridiculous bullshit, so he can bleat 'but you said......!'.

I'd hazard a guess that your doctor would like to be able to see you post op for follow up and release from care, but I think if you ask him/her now perhaps there is a doctor in your new area who he/she can consult with and turn you over to him/her for post op followup. We had to do that when DH became very ill on holiday. The doctor in the hospital consulted with a doctor where we lived and DH saw that doctor a day or two after we got home for needed followups. I think it's really a matter of the surgery you're having as to whether or not the Dr feels it's safe for you to travel (incisions and all that stuff).

Just remember that something worth having is usually never easy. Weeks, that you can deal with. After all, you've been dealing with him for years.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Pond - it's his twin actually, who is much more normal. and confirmed independently it was his twins idea to come down to support him, so that's a lot more "comfortable". DS is really happy to see him, we only see them once or twice a year normally.
hopefully he'll be gone by weekend, surgery is on monday. still undecided on having mum - not sure she'll be able to contain herself. stbx will still be responsible for taking DS to preschool every day etc, and neighbour is driving me to surgery centre and back.

Looking back I can see I've probably reacted more than I should have, but i've also protected myself and can prove he's agreed to certain things, so i'm not too worried. it's just getting out of here cleanly and also how we are splitting assets - as i said he is being completely ridiculous and thinks he is entitled to more or to have more say because i am the one leaving.

surgery really is a pain in ass timing wise - it is a minor procedure (think similar to lletz in UK, called leep here) but still a pain. i don't know that i've let myself think about it. just the colposcopy gave me a week plus of cramps, bleeding and diarrhea (which he knew, which is why i was doubly annoyed at his suggestion that i repeat it just in case drs are trying to get "his" money). i think postop will also depend on what the tests of the material removed comes back with - from what i understand there is some kind of excision margin, so if it's not good enough may have to repeat or do something else? going to call dr again, but it's holiday tomorrow plus they just moved offices.

starting to be concerned about DS - have been careful not to discuss anything in front of him, always at night after he's asleep. but he is probably picking up on the vibes between us. he has started saying stuff like he would miss stbx if he wasn't there, and asked me yesterday if i was leaving. stbx swears he's said nothing to him (not 100% sure of this, plus he has been unable to control his crocodile tears in front of him and i know DS has asked about it).

light at end of tunnel... that's what i keep thinking about. amazing how much more things make sense to me now that i take everything to come out of his mouth as a lie. just need to hold on for a couple of months now.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think stbx is lying about what he may have said to DS. I think he hasn't said anything specific or DS would probably ask you about it directly. But I'm sure he's given him hints about 'being sad' and 'Mummy'. Obvs you can't even ask DS because that might open a can of worms. All you can do is tell DS that both of you love him but make no promises.

There's never any convenient time for medical stuff, is there? All you can do is just get on with it and make the best of things. I guess if your mum can't be trusted to let things be then it's probably better she stay home. Sounds as if stbx's twin won't be a problem, at least.

Light at the end of the tunnel is a good way to look at it.

[RandomMess]

"would you be sad DS if you and mummy didn't live here with me anymore"

I'm sure something like this has been said...

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Wow well there's me a lesson learned. Guess the Shittiness runs in the family. Can't believe I'm surprised.

So yep I guess it was all wrong for me to think we could sort this like a pair of mature adults and in addition to cheating I can now essentially confirm he's a controlling bastard. Guess we will be going to court for this one.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

I'm so disgusted with his twin. I actually thought he was normal. What fool am I?

And yes this might be the harder way but I know in my heart DS and I will be fine. But why do some assholes have to ruin it for the rest of us?

[Fruitypebbles]

The article Mumbles posted was great, but still holds the ideology that the wife does the housework/cleaning/whatever and the man goes to work. I've definitely been in relationships where, despite both of us working full time, I was expected to do everything because I was a Girlfriend or a Wife or a Female Partner. Things would be left undone on my day off and I would do them, but it soon became apparent I was doing everything unless he was asked, which...fuck that. He wasn't the usual type of misogynist who thinks women owe him things, he was a fairly decent guy who ended up thinking a partner should also be like his mother, even though he was amazing at cleaning when in his own space! Never understood it.

[Fruitypebbles]

Dare I ask what happened with the twin, now that I'm caught up?