This is why we get so annoyed at incompetent/lazy/uncaring/you name it husbands

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Had friends over day before DS and I came back to UK to visit family for 2.5 weeks. the husband was H's friend from school, and we've since all become pretty good friends (i.e. not just my friends).

Leftover cut-up carrots and some lettuce from dinner in a couple containers in the fridge. I say to H - will you eat these as DS and I are going to be gone and can't? (since they are things i know he would eat otherwise). He says yes. I say, ok, if you don't want to eat them just throw it out and wash the tubs. Also half the lettuce that I didn't use is still in a bag in fridge.

Get home 2.5 weeks later. the carrots are going slimy, and i haven't even dared look in the container with the chopped lettuce, let alone the bag with the half lettuce. It's now almost a week since we got back and it's all still sitting there.

Am I crazy? I didn't tell him he had to eat it. If he'd said in the first place he had no intention of eating it, I'd probably have thrown it out or offered some to friends/neighbours I know don't mind taking food that would otherwise get wasted. And told him that if he didn't eat it before he went off, just chuck it.

If I don't clear it out, it will sit in the fridge til i get fed up and point it out to him. But I shouldn't even have to point it out to him. He was at home for almost 3 weeks by himself, and it's not like they were hidden or anything. These items were pretty much the only things in the fridge when i left, and the only things in the fridge when i got back.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

About the mental load, one good technique is to stop doing stuff and reply "I don't know" to the questions you don't want to reply to.
For example, stop doing his laundry (or the laundry altogether) and when he says:"where are my socks/shirts/whatever?" You reply:""I don't' know." And repeat until he has figured out how to be a functioning adult.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

Oh, I forgot, when he'll say "where is the washing powder", "what program should I use" , you still reply "I don't know, look into the cupboard/read the manual, etc...".

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

didn't have time to properly respond last couple days - can only sit down and do it when noone is around or i have a nosy bugger looking over my shoulder constantly trying to see what i'm doing on the internet.

AcrossthePond55 - thanks for those links, i have looked into it before and don't believe i quite meet the requirements. As inertia mentioned, i'm playing the long game here i suppose. right now my immigration status is tied to his, and i can't guarantee custody will go my way esp if i have to leave the country (DS is US born which doesn't help my side). H is not a US citizen either, so as of yet, he's not got permanent right to stay either.

we've had lots of couples counselling, he's tried his own counsellor. nothing really changes, so yes, pretty much useless at this point. i've seen the couples counsellor on my own a few times - she is a little concerned about my mental health in the long run, but so far i'm coping ok (by venting here and to a couple friends overseas who are removed from the situation). but you're right, i may need a more focused therapist in the future to help me with specific coping strategies. a lot of times i cope by telling myself, if he fucks X up, then he'll have to pay to fix it (which irks me because i'm not a money waster), or just remind myself of the end goal and to not waste my time caring.

PetalHead - he says he wants to work things out and stay together but can't even say with a straight face that he's put in 100% effort all the time to show his commitment on his side. basically we go through a cycle of him sort of trying for a couple of weeks, i just give up and ignore his crap, he thinks everything is ok so reverts to type, i finally get fed up and have it out with him, he puts in 100% for a week or two, rinse and repeat. it's complicated (and on my other threads), but basically i can't risk ending it due to immigration/custody issues being at conflict in my current position. i mean, theoretically yes we could do it your way but i would have to bet my and DS' future on him being reasonable once he knows i'm done with this (and based on past behaviour, can't say that he would be).

ChocolateTeapot - i agree... i need to remember that strategy more and more. i'm happy to say i stopped doing his laundry a while ago (which he was quite bitter about, ridiculously enough) - was going to post a story on here but realized it was a bit long, but suffice to say he's a little manchild.

also as a general update, the rotting food is still in the fridge.

[AcrossthePond55]

As well as seeking counseling for coping mechanisms, I think you need to start a 'fuck you fund'. Start squirreling money away where he won't find it. Do cash-over at the grocery store and destroy the receipts.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Pond - not to worry, fuck you fund has already happened. No need for it to be secret either. Half of savings already in my own account - just need to remember to update that every now and then as it grows. Let's just say his initial reaction the first time wasn't good, and then recently when I moved more to equalize it out was even worse. But don't care - his own fault, if he hadn't had OW I wouldn't need to safeguard my future, right? Also need to rejig to consider pension contributions - of course all this time we've been contributing to his company pension/savings (and company had matched some), but nothing for me.

[AcrossthePond55]

So glad to hear that! Yes, pensions are a concern. There are no voluntary government pensions in the US.

There is such a thing as a spousal IRA in the US. He'd have to make contributions from his wages though and I think it's max $5000.00 per year. There are tax ramifications as well as far as when you can withdraw it. Depending on the amount of time you have left in the US and your current age it may be something to look at.

Have you spoken to an immigration specialist lawyer about that visa? Or a women's law center? The worst they can do is confirm your own thoughts about it. And you just never know what ins and outs they may know, especially since you have a US citizen child. That may actually work in your favour!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

I did speak to an immigration lawyer, and she basically said her first advice would be to suck it up and be nice to him til we get the green card... sigh... failing that, she advised me to try and get my own visa (student, work if possible - altho i think in current climate that would be pretty hard).

i'm hoping i can wait it out, get green card, and then be in a serious/equal position to consider all options for work and living before having to potentially force it in court. if that makes sense.

in meantime, just need to keep my head above water. this morning had to explain to him that the heel part of the sock is supposed to be on the heel - he pulled DS normal size socks right up so the top was up just below his knees, and the heel part was on the back of his calf. pulled up so tight, the toes were stretched really thin and see through. i suppose the silver lining is that at least he actually helped get DS dressed this morning. how do these people manage to get and keep jobs?

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

If he got sacked would he have to leave the country?
just wondering if that's an option?

[AcrossthePond55]

You may be right about the 'current climate' as far as immigration/perm residency is concerned. Trust me, not many of us like how things are now!

I think the thing is to be able to emotionally divorce yourself. It was something my BFF had to do for a couple of years for financial reasons as it took that long for her to work up to a 'living wage' in her career to be able to leave. She just had to adopt the mindset that he was an ass and was always going to be an ass and that the best thing she could do was to simply stop expecting anything from him at all. She basically ignored him, did only the bare minimum for him she could get away with, absented herself and their son as much as she could get away with, and just thought of herself as a single parent. Yes, it was hard to put herself in the mode of 'doing it all' and expecting no help but she said it saved her sanity and a lot of fruitless arguments.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm not sure if your DH is planning to stay in the US or if he is on a contract so you expect to be returning to the UK at some point, but if you want to return, I'd also be sure to keep up regular visits 'back home' as frequently as possible, talk up the UK and UK schools as much as you can to keep your DC feeling as British as possible. I don't know how long you'll be in the US, but I'd make 'going home' as attractive as possible so if the time comes that you can leave, DC will be eager to go.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

CouldntMakeThisShitUp - i wish... heard from another employee that they did once fire a pair of adulterous employees, but only because they fiddled the books on business trips in order to meet, not because they got caught.

Pond - yes, i have to try and remember that's supposed to be my strategy. Double edged sword - the time that's passed has allowed DS to actually gain a decent relationship with his dad, so i know that later, it will be harder on him than if i'd known to leave immediately. But, i suppose it's better for him to have a good relationship than none.

[AcrossthePond55]

I suppose so. But one of the wisest things I've heard regarding the parent's relationship is "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother". I'd probably change 'love' to 'respect'. But the main sentiment is very true. They learn how to model relationships and treat their partners from watching us. And, as you are learning, you can live with someone you no longer love and (grit your teeth) treat them 'respectfully'.

I guess you'll have to adopt one of the new women's movement phrases: "And still, she persisted". You'll get through this. Vent on MN, play the long game, and develop a life outside the home.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

ugh. went out for mums night out saturday night, first in a few months - H didn't even feed DS dinner. they went in the pool, DS didn't want to get out so first he couldn't even get him out of the pool (adult vs 4 year old ffs) and then by the time he got him out of the pool it was too late to take him out to eat (which is what DS wanted), but didn't think to himself that he could have ordered delivery or just offered him something else. so, he just offered him absolutely nothing. then wondered why kid was cranky and didn't go to bed easily.

i see on other threads, some posters think getting kid free time is so easy and it's only due to lack of a backbone that sahms don't get out - this is why some of us don't leave our DC alone with their fathers, because there is a discernible negative effect. if i left him with him for a week, i'd not be surprised if DS didn't eat dinner half or more of those days.

[AcrossthePond55]

Don't give up your me time. Think your way around it. For example next time give DS dinner before you leave. Even if it's 4pm or if you feed him McDs.

Remember, you're 'single parenting' now. Don't expect H to do anything and you won't be disappointed.

Long game.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

whoops, long game has just been shot this morning. time to get everything lined up and get my life back.

[RandomMess]

KOKO Expat, you'll get there eventually as DS gets older he'll be more vocal about his basic needs and being self reliant when lazy git is in charge!

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

sending you some kick-ass super powers across the sea!

[user1476869312]

Ouch, hug, so what's the wanker done? Asked for separation so he can move on to OW or something nastier?

[peppalongstocking]

Sorry to hear, OP, I've been following your other posts too. Hope the new development is something you can overcome quickly. Curious, was he always as bad as this and you just picked up the load without realising it or is it something that got progressively worse with his increasing earning capacity?

[AcrossthePond55]

The good thing about long games is that they're lloooooonnnggg.

That means you can pick them up as many times as you need to.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

Hope you're ok Expat.

I've been reading your threads with interest and hope this turn of events is a positive one?

Vent away x

[AcrossthePond55]

Reread your post and realised you may be saying that the whole game has changed.

If so, get to a lawyer pronto. If your marriage has now broken down or you feel an imminent threat you need to see about securing your residency.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

ah, if only he had decided to take up with OW - that would actually have made everything much much easier.

no, we had a huge blowup because of my health issues (and him making it all about his feelings - despite it being me needing to go in for minor surgery, he hasn't once asked how i feel), and then trying to discuss the "future". well, it went so well that i now have what i need to get out of here. so need to get back in touch with lawyers and figure out what i need to do in terms of moving, finding school/childcare/job.

i will admit i'm torn because i think the lifestyle available here, even as a single parent but presuming i can find a decent job, would be of better quality than we would get elsewhere. if i leave here, i wouldn't be in a position to buy another house for at least several years, we won't be able to afford to travel as much (which is how we see most family), etc. so there are downsides, but in the long run i think getting out now is better. i don't think there's any way i can hang on for another 1-2 years hoping for a green card.

peppalongstocking - i think he always was this bad. we didn't live together full time before we got married (yes, i know big mistake), and then when we did live together, we were in honeymoon phase and i think i automatically picked up the load (i was also raised that way which doesn't help).
after we got married i also think his efforts to "impress" just dropped off because he thought i'd never consider splitting up, that i was stuck with him once we were married. after we had DS, it got even worse, because i was picking up all the slack at home and then was doing pretty much everything with DS too. i know there is a sort of contract between a SAHM and their working spouse, but he took it much too far.
when i moved full time to the US, i was already pregnant with DS at 34 weeks. he moved ahead 4 months prior. when i arrived, he had done no housework in the entire 4 months, refused to pay for a cleaner, so i ended up scrubbing 4 toilets at 34 weeks, and cleaning the rest of the house. (in addition to when we rented the house, the owners left it in an awful state, he refused to pay for a move-in cleaner, so i spent two days at 4 months pregnant scrubbing the whole house too to make it liveable - there was dog hair stuck to all the cupboard shelves, in the sinks, etc and all kinds of other crap). i finally wised up when DS was 5 months and got a cleaning lady.
when i came home from the hospital, he didn't cook dinner once for us - we ate either takeout or the food i made and put in the freezer. he never got up in the night with DS, not even on weekends, i think until DS was about 3 (after I found out about OW and after several counselling sessions pointing out his ridiculousness in complaining i was always tired when he'd never once got up in the night). at that point i hadn't had a full nights uninterrupted sleep since before i was pregnant.
in some ways, it was my fault for letting it get too far, but hindsight is 20/20. i think until you become the SAHP, you don't realize how all this stuff creeps up on you and adds up until the last straw that breaks the camel's back type of thing.

whew, sorry for the rant everyone!

[AcrossthePond55]

Wow! Things changed fast!

Remember, you've got time. Things may have been set in motion, but don't let him (or yourself) rush things.

As far as staying here vs moving back to the UK you have a bit of time for that, too. DS is 4 so you have a year before Kindergarten to think things through.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

have to move now, or the advantage i have will expire, so to speak. international family law is such a messy thing.