This is why we get so annoyed at incompetent/lazy/uncaring/you name it husbands

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Had friends over day before DS and I came back to UK to visit family for 2.5 weeks. the husband was H's friend from school, and we've since all become pretty good friends (i.e. not just my friends).

Leftover cut-up carrots and some lettuce from dinner in a couple containers in the fridge. I say to H - will you eat these as DS and I are going to be gone and can't? (since they are things i know he would eat otherwise). He says yes. I say, ok, if you don't want to eat them just throw it out and wash the tubs. Also half the lettuce that I didn't use is still in a bag in fridge.

Get home 2.5 weeks later. the carrots are going slimy, and i haven't even dared look in the container with the chopped lettuce, let alone the bag with the half lettuce. It's now almost a week since we got back and it's all still sitting there.

Am I crazy? I didn't tell him he had to eat it. If he'd said in the first place he had no intention of eating it, I'd probably have thrown it out or offered some to friends/neighbours I know don't mind taking food that would otherwise get wasted. And told him that if he didn't eat it before he went off, just chuck it.

If I don't clear it out, it will sit in the fridge til i get fed up and point it out to him. But I shouldn't even have to point it out to him. He was at home for almost 3 weeks by himself, and it's not like they were hidden or anything. These items were pretty much the only things in the fridge when i left, and the only things in the fridge when i got back.

Technically he has until midnight. I don't trust him and he's the type to stay til 11.59pm.

Urgh what a w*nker

Well, it must be past midnight by now. I hope all is well.

Ugh. 45 mins to go - I called it, he's not going til 11.59pm.

Sounds like it could be the tip of the iceberg?
Because I'd do that sort of thing myself, leave something in the fridge intending to eat it then forget about it. I live alone so not expecting anybody else to do it.... Just a bit forgetful/distracted.

What a jerk! I expect he thought you'd 'come to your senses' at the stroke of midnight.

Hopefully he IS gone now and you are catching your breath.

Yes, finally went at 11.56pm telling me he'd done all he could to prevent this. Ridiculous. First step to regaining my life though - already just more chill.

What an arse!!

KOKO life should only get better now

"Done all he could to prevent this". Sure, everything he could think of for himself!!!!

I'll bet the peace in the house is just like a soft blanket of quiet and calm. It's about time and enjoy it!

You're going to have to change your user name now, you know. Maybe "ExpatHappyExspouse".

Wow, if leaving carrots to go off in the fridge is the worst thing he does.., id say that's excellent! How long have you been married

Sorry, just RTFT.. my apologies... seems like the carrots were the last straw

Hey, Expat. Just checking to see how it's going. You don't 'owe' me an update so feel free to ignore if you want.

Hey, Expat. Just checking to see how it's going. You don't 'owe' me an update so feel free to ignore if you want.

i've been trying not to mention where i am just to keep some semblance of anonymity in case stbx comes across this. but never mind that now, i don't think it matters one way or another.

last couple weeks got messed up because lucky me, got to prep and worry about harvey and whether or not the house would get water in it. luckily we came through ok, but what a mess.

have just got back to sorting out paperwork, also found out some other stuff had been messed up by stbx that requires some fixing. some visa issues also which have a bit of a tight timeline. and gotta catch up on divorce paperwork so i can keep it moving. and start applying for jobs so i can show i should be allowed to leave. yay!

had some conversations with stbx, and it's like banging my head against a brick wall (nothing is his fault, even though he's the one who chose to cheat). so ... time to give up on that and go "gray rock" as they call it. need to stop letting him suck the life out of me.

DS is wonderful - managed to spend a lot of quality time with him since everything was closed and roads flooded - somehow i hope i can raise him to be a good man.

finding it hard to think about future as i really feel stuck in limbo. and then piling on "survivor" guilt of a sort, because my problems pale in comparison to many many people around here who have now lost absolutely everything to the storm. i know logically i can't control all that other stuff, so need to focus on what i can do to keep my life moving and going forward.

Yikes! What a way to start your new life! Glad you were spared the worst of Harvey!

I guess it's par for the course that he's left you with messed up paperwork to sort out. Doesn't surprise me, he was never bound to want to make it easy for you, was he? I think 'grey rock' is the way to go. That and not relying on him for anything, even a simple answer to a simple question. You'll get it sorted, you're very self-reliant, you know!

Please don't feel any survivor's guilt. In this world, no matter who or where we are, there will always be someone better or worse off than we are. You didn't cause their problems, life and the weather did. And nothing you did to remain safe took anything away from them. Nor would anything you did NOT do make them one iota safer. All the luck of the draw.

I think I can understand the 'limbo' feeling. All you can do is move forward one step at a time, and acknowledge every bit or progress.

It'll be ok. You'll get there.

Delurking to say I'm so impressed and wish you and your DS all the very best.

And to thank you for shedding light on the mental load issue.

I've never been able to explain properly why I get so stressed out doing general stuff. This thread has helped me see the light. New me from now on. Plus I'm now going to talk to my grown up DDs about sharing mental load so they don't end up in the same place I have just because that was the example I set them growing up.

some of the frustrating things that came out of having him around during the storm were that he thinks that i should be chasing him and trying to convince him that i'm worth being with (?????????!!!!!!!!!) and that basically he can't accept responsibility or blame for things of his own doing (still denying affair despite proof - claims to have forgotten writing me letters saying he was sorry he was a cheat and liar, nor does he recall handwriting the list of dates/places he got together with OW). must remember at all times he is a liar. also that it's not right i'm putting my own wants/needs first now - after years of me making sacrifices and compromises for his!

home is honestly less stressful - i don't have to think about another grown persons wants/needs and worry about the "guilt" of putting me/DS first.

things i need to remember:

• default setting is he is a liar, and a selfish liar to boot.
• conversation with him is pointless, as he won't accept responsibility and it's actually his way of trying to get me to do legwork for him (i.e. ask me legal questions he should be asking his lawyer)
• grey rock/NC as much as possible except where DS is concerned. except of course he doesn't actually bother reading messages re DS unless i nag him.

it comforts me greatly to know in my heart that i'm a better person than him, and that if i wanted to, i'm confident i could find someone else and be happy. and that he will never be anything more than a selfish cheater and a liar and is incapable of being happy - feel sorry for the next person who falls for his crap.

MachineBee - i'm working on this with DS now. i'm seeing it now that he's following his father's example - when i ask him to tidy after himself, he sometimes wants to ignore me because that's what he's seen modelled. and that he expects me to clear up after him. i'm starting to be really strict about this and explaining that it's not right to make a huge mess expecting someone else to come along and tidy up after you. or that if you are a little more careful as you go, there's no need for any mess in the first place. at least he's so young i can hopefully steer him the right way before it's too late. but makes me even more aware how much crap i put up with before. and that's just the basics!

OP I got to page 2 and read the part about you being stuck in limbo as an expat, so sorry for not rtft but I just wanted to offer you a hand hold. What a really horrible situation. The food/fridge scenario would have wound me up too (also new to the mental load issue) but obviously you've got a whole other thing going on in the background.

I wish you all the best for when you are eventually able to get out and get back home. My heart goes out to you.

This thread is still no appearing on my list grrrrr

Glad it's ok

It's a toughy and I apologise if I came across at all critical. I think so many partners of controllers have been sucked into enabling them we've forgotten about ourselves. But the past is the past and the only way is forward.

MachineBee oh no that's not how i took it at all. it's exactly how i feel now, having really opened my eyes.

i think we often feel like we have to give a little/compromise, and sometimes we slowly slide over the line of what's truly acceptable without realizing.

i had some warning signs and mutual friends did kind of try and tell me, but rose coloured glasses and all that. there's no denying we were very compatible in some areas, just that long term, there's no future for me with someone who is incapable of taking responsibility and being honest.

i'm trying very very hard to go grey rock. it's difficult due to DS. I don't regret having DS, but it would never have got this far without him as i'd have left without a backward glance on D-day.

i'm trying to keep an even keel, knowing that stbx is behaving the way he is because he is so immature he is angry that i have chosen to leave him. none of it is his fault - because you know, he really didn't have an affair - he says it depends how you define affair doesn't it? and anyway, didn't i have secret relationships with men he didn't know about? (because I dared to have male friends, all of whom he knew about and none of whom speak to me anymore because of the way he was so rude to them). and him trying/succeeding to have sex with OW is the same as me looking at channing tatum or some other celebrity on tv and fantasizing etc etc etc.

bleats on about wanting what's best for DS, except obviously trying to screw my life up as much as possible isn't going to be what's best for DS. Does he not realize that DS will be dependent on what I can earn and his puny child support payments? he probably does, but he can't stop himself because it's all about him and his "hurt" feelings rather than doing what's right and what's best for DS.

has been a long frustrating week. no matter how much it costs (lawyers fees are approaching $10,000 now after 2 months, just on my side), i'm going to free myself of this person.

It'll be worth it in the end, but I won't pretend it'll be easy. Keep your dignity, be the better person and remind yourself that your DS will work out who has his best interests at heart. Good luck and for you.

KOKO! Just remember that every time you refuse to rise to his bait, refuse to engage in his questions and rationalizations, it is a victory and a further step away.

It will be worth every penny you spend to get away from him.

I do this sometimes.. I wouldn't mind if DP did. It's just something we don't notice sometimes. But then we're happy.. If we were unhappy I probably would find fault in all sorts of little things.