This is why we get so annoyed at incompetent/lazy/uncaring/you name it husbands

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Had friends over day before DS and I came back to UK to visit family for 2.5 weeks. the husband was H's friend from school, and we've since all become pretty good friends (i.e. not just my friends).

Leftover cut-up carrots and some lettuce from dinner in a couple containers in the fridge. I say to H - will you eat these as DS and I are going to be gone and can't? (since they are things i know he would eat otherwise). He says yes. I say, ok, if you don't want to eat them just throw it out and wash the tubs. Also half the lettuce that I didn't use is still in a bag in fridge.

Get home 2.5 weeks later. the carrots are going slimy, and i haven't even dared look in the container with the chopped lettuce, let alone the bag with the half lettuce. It's now almost a week since we got back and it's all still sitting there.

Am I crazy? I didn't tell him he had to eat it. If he'd said in the first place he had no intention of eating it, I'd probably have thrown it out or offered some to friends/neighbours I know don't mind taking food that would otherwise get wasted. And told him that if he didn't eat it before he went off, just chuck it.

If I don't clear it out, it will sit in the fridge til i get fed up and point it out to him. But I shouldn't even have to point it out to him. He was at home for almost 3 weeks by himself, and it's not like they were hidden or anything. These items were pretty much the only things in the fridge when i left, and the only things in the fridge when i got back.

KOKO

Ah yes. Fucking twin as he shall henceforth be known, 100% support asshole stbx in using DS to trap me in our current location. (Immigration and custody issues). The true reasoning for which is money because he considers it all his.

wow cheeky fucking twin also - got up this morning to him sitting in my old (marital bed) and having used my fucking bath towel. DS was upset this morning, prob picking up on the shit vibes in house, wouldn't go to daycare for breakfast. told him i'd make him one of his favourite breakfasts, he of course innocently offers to his uncle (aka fucking twin), who says, oh yeah that sounds great i'll eat that too. because of course i'm rearing to feed the fucking twin who is as morally bankrupt as stbx.

there's supporting your twin/brother who is a cheating liar, and then there's supporting him and buying into his lies and supporting actions which you know to be wrong. and to come into my fucking house and behave so disrespectfully toward me when i was nothing but welcoming, and not once asking how i am or how i'm doing.

I think you should seriously consider calling your mum. You're being ganged up on and you need some backup.

Please don't cook or otherwise cater to FT (fucking twin). Just because you are cooking special for DS doesn't mean you have to cook for him. Next time just point to the kitchen and say 'have at it'. Or take him quietly to the side and explain that he and stbx are on their own as far as meals and 'domestic care'.

Has FT actually said anything to DS regarding the upcoming split?

And I know this is probably not practical or 'doable' but is there any way at all the surgery can be postponed until your dad can come get you the hell out of there? I don't know exactly if your plans are to move in with Dad or how far away Dad is. Is there a chance you can move sooner, have Mum come to help you and then have the procedure? All this shit they're doing is just not good for your health.

mum is coming. she will stay out of the way - her intention is to cook for me, esp culturally important female recipe type things, and help with DS and make sure i don't overdo anything.

i am not cooking for him. did not want to say anything in front of DS but messaged his wife who promptly called him. he did not eat my food this morning.

i hope FT has not stuck his nose in re DS, because that would take really big balls to stick his nose in there. I think it's more like stbx has let slip. or he is really sensitive and picking up that i'm not happy.

it's not practical to delay surgery. if you read that get your cervixes checked thread, altho prognosis is good, there's no guarantee you can't very quickly go to a cancer diagnosis. and in fact no way to know if some cells haven't already progressed until i have the procedure. obv hoping for best. i cannot leave the town because he has revoked permission for DS to travel anywhere, for holiday or to move. that is what FT stuck his nose in, and told me he 100% agreed it's the right thing for STBX to do.

i am resigned to going through the court system here. there is nothing else i can do and if i don't cut myself free he will use DS and custody of DS to control my life forever.

he doesn't actually want primary custody of DS, he wants to use it as leverage so he doesn't have to give up as big a share of the family assets. he thought that he got to keep all the money we put into his individual retirement funds and company savings plans and pensions the whole time we've been married and not have to count that as family assets despite putting nothing aside for my retirement or future in the same time frame.

all his actions have shown are how lacking in character he is and reinforce my decision to get away from him as soon as i can.

don't worry, DS best interests are always at the front of my mind. but i won't allow stbx to use that to ruin my life. thinking of tattoing on my hands/arms where i can see daily: "don't forget - stbx can never be trusted, always lies and thinks of himself above all others".

he has revoked permission for DS to travel anywhere, for holiday or to move. that is what FT stuck his nose in, and told me he 100% agreed it's the right thing for STBX to do.

What a fucker FT is!!! And you're right, stbx is definitely going to use that as leverage to get you to agree to less than you're entitled to. He's effectively planning to 'sell' your DS to you, isn't he? Or more accurately, he's going to charge you 'ransom' in the form of signing off on assets so you can leave with DS. What fucking pricks, the both of them!

I'm sorry the procedure isn't something you can put off. But at least you'll have your mum there to lean on. Even if it's just being able to roll your eyes at her at their fuckwittery or that her presence makes them a bit less ass-holey around you.

And you're right. This is going to have to be fought out in court. Just be sure that your lawyer has 'shark teeth'.

i'm pretty sure i've got a SHL or is it HSL? i forget. she was sort of quietly hilarious. now just to wait it out.

i really do have an excellent support network here in terms of friends, so i'm really thankful for that since family is so far away. And i know that stbx has noone (hence calling in FT). the one person who might have been considered his friend has now backed off and actually cancelled plans to get together because stbx hasn't been honest with him.

I'm so glad you have local support and a SH or HS L.

I'd use that local support and spend as much time away from the house with DS as possible.

Well I haven't posted in a while because I wanted to be careful - wasn't sure if he had access to track my online activity or knew about MN.

The shit pretty much hit the fan. He filed first - but turns out he thought he could file for divorce and then not get divorced or something???

Also recovery from surgery has been a bitch and the procedure was a bit more than I expected.

Just hoping this won't drag out too long.

He could have thrown them, eaten them, whatever.
You could have done the same in the time it has taken to rant on mn. I suspect there is more to this that slimy carrots.

Than not that

He thought what? I know a lot of people think that if they file first they'll be more likely to 'get what they want' or to control the timetable but that isn't true. At least not in the US 'no fault' states. Once the divorce is filed either side is free to file to 'move it on' or whatever. I expect he thought that if he filed the petition that he would be the only one to be able to file the request for final judgement.

If his lawyers told him that, then you should be in for an easy time as they are total idiots.

Sorry your recovery is not going as easily as you had hoped. I'm sure his actions haven't helped. Is your mum there? Has 'evil twin' left?

mission decision of course. Which if you read the thread you'll see.

pond we are in at fault state not that it really matters in this case. He was super shocked yesterday at the reality of the situation and still hasn't grasped it yet. He thought we'd be living together going forward indefinitely.
Harder days to come still - DS hasn't been told and also has never been away from me for more than two nights and only twice in his life. DM could only stay a week, FT left before my surgery but DF came (was a little concerned about his reaction) and stbx is due to move out in couple of weeks.

I think Mission's post is for another thread? Slimy carrots?

Why is he so bound and determined to stay together? Is it purely financial or is it just that he has to be the one to 'control' things?

Your DS will be ok. There will be an adjustment to be made but children are very adaptable. Plus, I think when it comes down to the 'practicalities' of caring for a young child, he really isn't going to want the hassle. And I also have a feeling that he will find the 'single life' very appealing and the 'single parent life' less so, so you will find his new 'social life' taking precedence over time with DS. Very shortly I expect that DS will be with you the vast majority of the time, despite any court orders.

In the next two weeks before he moves out, I suggest you keep a very close eye on things that are precious to you. I'd take a photo or film inventory of the house. I'd also move any personal possessions (jewelry, photos, mementos, personal papers etc) elsewhere until he is gone.

Hehe the slimy carrots were in the OP - just an example of his lack of giving a shit around the house. But things blew up pretty fast after that.

Still too early yet to see if reality is sinking in ... So far no sign of that.

Ha! I guess I missed the slimy carrots.

"There is none so blind as he who will not see" is very true. In a way it might work to your advantage if you play your cards right. He'll have a lot of "No, she wouldn't dare!" in his head which might prevent him from actually seeing what you are doing.

Obvs, I'm not talking about doing things that are illegal, just that he may not pay close attention to things going on wrt the divorce because he's so sure he'll get his way. Sounds to me as if that's pretty much his mindset right now: "If I want XXX to be the truth, then XXX is the truth".

He really is very deluded isn't he!!!

What an idiot....

Wishing you a speedy recovery. DS will be fine because you are by far his primary carer and STBXH pretty insignificant in his life.

OP, your stbxh sounds infuriating. You sound really strong.

Just had to tell him to throw out his leftovers that were in the fridge from when we went out for dinner with FT.... Over a month ago.
One more day til I never have to live with him again.

One more day!?!?!? Yippee!!!

Yeah!!! Well done

10.25 hours to go. He alternates between feeling sorry to himself and trying to use legal stuff to stick it to me (not having actually read the legal stuff).

You've probably bitten your tongue so hard you've drawn blood, but it'll will be here before you know it.

Find your sense of 'toplofty amusement'. Because I'm sure whatever he's saying is ridiculous!

Surely you will be in bed for some of that 10 hours???