AIBU at husbands dramatic career change?

[Curtains77]

Hi all! Try to keep this short as genuinely cannot work out if iabu - husband has been doing same skilled professional job for 20 years an is about to be made redundant in about 3 months' time - with a lump sum. InitI ally, we were quite excited at the possibility of change , opportunity. We are both 40 this year so it seems like a great chance to just go for it and chase a dream.
This is where it goes a bit wrong - he is a dreamer , not so practical and has always beens protected if you like , by working for a big multinational and all the benefits that brings. (Think good pension, healthcare, flexible time , parental leave paid etc etc) and so I feel he is not thinking things through completely. For instance the ideas he has so far come up with are ; an oven cleaning franchise business, a pop up gin bar , a bouncy castle and inflatable hire business, buying two double decker buses and renting out for school trips ....
For my part , I am hugely risk- averse - I grew up piss-poor and I don't want that for our children . AIBU to want DH to take the safe option of consultancy work in his field his degree and skills are in which pays excellently, and work is plentiful . The downside is that it will usually working away in the week which he is really against. However, this provides financial stability now with the possibility of greater stability in the future?
He says I am too negative and anxious and I am effectively putting down every single idear he has. I think I am a realist and more practical and trying to avoid a disaster? Am I a cow ? Any replies gratefully received ...!

Before anyone jumps on me, I don't think SAHMs should actually be jumped on either!

My DH started his own business a few years ago, in a field he loved.

As others have said, the problem is that in order to make running your own business a success you spend a massive amount of time doing the "other" stuff that's nothing to do with the dream of the business. It's very easy to end up working crazy hours and barely breaking even - and it doesn't sound like actually has a dream business, more that he's decided he doesn't want to work so he's desperately seeking "something." Starting up your own business is hard and sometimes soul destroying - if he's not really in love with the idea then chances are, it will fail because he won't have the motivation to sustain the effort it takes.

Running buses for hire, btw, is heavily regulated and hideously expensive - I have actually looked in to it in the past (for our business) and concluded it just wasn't worth it. I don't think it's particularly viable financially for small companies.

I have read the thread and all your answers OP and this is my tuppence worth.

see this as a joint venture. because it will be whatever job he takes on or new business he starts. from your point of view, grow some balls, go in and explain that you have had a change of circumstances and that you need to earn more money. either they increase your wages or they accept that you are going to leave. then look at the transferable skills that you have in terms of caring, organisation etc and look for other work. we pay our office cleaner £11 an hour. its less than our staff but a fair rate for the job imo. there are other jobs out there that you could do so start looking.

put the redundancy money in the bank and don't touch it. at all. your dh needs to do a few low paid jobs for the next couple of months so that he can wise up and see how the other half lives in terms of work.

he has to give himself at least 3 months post job before jumping into something he really does. call it a grieving period if you like but his old life has gone and he needs to see what the new possibilities are.

the things he has suggested at the moment are a bit bonkers to be honest. recovering alcoholic running a gin bar? no one else spot the flaw in this. also bus hire - what will his usp be and how will he compete with companies that have several vehicles.

I get that he doesn't want to discuss things with you and gets huffy but seriously? he better learn to because this is what running your own business is like.

you have to be a realist. any business you run has to be able to wash its own face after 3 years but for the first 2-3 he will make absolutely no profit. he will work 10X harder than he did before. he wont get to go off sick. he probably wont go on a family holiday. he will be working anti social hours and have to be nice to people he doesn't like.

don't get me wrong. I love being self employed but would I choose it now knowing what I know now? no I wouldn't. 20 years in local govt, local big pension, 6 weeks plus holidays, unlimited time for sickness and hospital appointments but best of all lights off at 5pm on a Friday and not back on until 9am Monday.

do you have a local chamber of commerce he could speak to? or perhaps a local business association? hearing it from others might be a help.

he can message me any time if he wants to talk through ideas. I do a lot of voluntary work with business advice and I know the pitfalls of starting a new business. happy to help him but only if he wants to be helped and wants to have a big dose of realism.

mummymeister - I totally agree. I would also add:

• chasing payments from people/organisations happy to take your work but strangely unwilling to pay the agreed price
• quoting and quoting and quoting for work even when you know your quote is only being used to check the quote of the person who has already got the job
• having your quote rejected because cousin Bob will do the job (badly and illegally) for a four pack of lager

If he drinks and gambles and you have both been bankrupt in the past I do wonder whether locking the money away in trust for the children might be the safest place for it actually.

I appreciate that the vet nursing doesn't give you academic breaks to a vet med degree, but they're intensely competitive courses and someone with your background would obviously have a big head start, I think? They always tell hopefuls to get as much practical experience as possible to support the application. But human nursing is a lot shorter as a course, and less competitive, too? And at the end of it you'd be in a stronger position in terms of earnings.

I do think someone with drink and gambling problems needs to be very careful about sudden access to a lot of money. And I think the pop-up gin bar has to be written off. I'm pretty sure oven cleaning franchises are a disaster, though I know a bloke who does his own business and does well at it - all non toxic materials, lots of elbow grease, and a lovely man people feel loyal to. But it doesn't sound like he could make remotely the same level of cash as you've been used to.

Mummy's post is very wise I think.

Yes - I agree little beauty - he has dreamed of being free to pursue something different. His dependency issues had a lot to do with how unhappy he was in the corporate world. The job itself is ok - it's the politics he hated. Hopeful - it has crossed my mind the huge amount of money he is about to receive might be more temptation than he can deal with and because he is facing such a huge decision , he might give in to it . However , as sitting suggested, we can afford for him to have some time off to recoup and reflect, try and put a plan together. Of course I will support him but I always lean a bit towards putting whatever we canaway to save. By the time the bankruptcy is discharged we will be knocking 44/5 and so will need a biiig deposit for a mortgage. So it seems the safest bet but of course I think uou are right - breathing space is the key . Breathing space and information. He is a clever man and we are a team after all.

Mummy - loads of great advice ! Thank you so much. I appreciate what you say and what you suggest . Don't worry I am making lots of notes from this thread. Am very grateful for everyone's honesty - when I read your experiences of starting and running your own businesses it makes me rather anxious. It sounds like it changes your life a lot. But gamblers by nature see the risk and think it's a fair shot. Dh and I are very different like that buy hopefully it will balance out once he has had that time and tried a few jobs in the real world away from the world he is so used to !

I wouldn't say I was a gambler at all, but I have my own business. The absolute key is basing it around market-needed skills though - people want and need what I can do, which means I can charge a substantial rate for it. TBH that's why consultancy sounds like a better fit for him - it's still your 'own business' but it's a business based round valuable, chargeable skills.

How many months pay is the lump sum? How about an agreement that he will try new ideas for x months (what you can afford) but if not working after that will go back to consultancy.

This.
You get some reassurance. He gets to feel that you are not pissing on his chips. Neither of you resent the other with your differing approaches to risk (and guess what - you might find he's amazing at running a business)

The difficulty with trying for a few months , ime, is that running your own business can be a bit like gambling where you don't want to give up because the next big win is just around the corner.

People who aren't utterly rational can also get mired in the sunk costs fallacy too, not wanting to give up because of all the time, money and effort that's gone in. Don't get me wrong perseverance is important but it's easy to get trapped.

The problem with trying it for a few months is that it takes a couple of years for a business to take off. I agree with the pp who said to bank the money and have him get a temporary customer-facing job for a few months that would use the same skills.

You'd all have to tighten your belts, but that's true even if he starts a business right away. It would be a trial for starting the business without sinking your house deposit into it. If he loves it, then after 6/12 months he could try to work up a business plan that an accountant agrees will work and give it a go? If he hates it, no harm no foul.

Are you sure he's not worried about the networking required to sell his consultancy services? I'm just wondering whether his confidence might have been knocked.

The alcohol, gambling and bankruptcy issues make employment a far better option IMO.

The money isn't his, it's family money.

Mmm, I think the fact that we're dealing with a gambler here changes the dynamics a bit. By nature, their risk perception is off.

OP if there's a national shortage of vet nurses, why not see if you could get a better rate at another practice?

Hold on. He is a drinker, gambler, and has bankruptcy issues?? I must have missed that part. What???

Forget my previous post then. Put his lump sum in savings where he can't touch it and he will have to carry on with consultancy. Tight rein, sorry.

Tbh I think you're also going to need that lump sum for a deposit, given your ages and location. It simply can't be used for business ventures or living on now. That doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt to earn more either.

I think YABU. It's great that your DH is seeing this as an opportunity for a new life. He isn't just a cash cow, he's a human being with hopes and dreams.

There is a compromise: can you come with a business idea that you both approve of?

He is a drinker, gambler, and has bankruptcy issues??

Maybe I should have RTWT before I commented... sorry.

He won't get back into consultancy after a few years running a gin bar or a bouncy castle (seriously?); he will have lost his contacts and his skills will be outdated.

Hi all x sorry was working today but have read all . Goat - yes exactly what I mean about risk perception - that is what is inhe rent ly in him and he has learned , with professional help , to curb it but of course I worry a little about big sums of money instantly accessible to him . I have to have faith that , although it's a test , he will be ok . We had quite a long chat today and I have said honestly I will support him in his choices but I won't sugar coat it . If I think it's a bad idea or not thought it through I will say. He is going to take 6 weeks off , and has lined a 6 month contract up in Watford to start beginning of sep. So he can chill , research overy the summer and adjust . Someone mentioned on here that it is normal to be a bit confused transitional ly so I think space is what he needs. Anathema I think you are right that actually his confidence has taken a knock and of course this is completely uncharted territory for him . And the stress of starting a business might be a bit much . He has realised I think that consultancy is the safest bet.

And Etherled that's why it's a good idea to start safe and plan plan plan . And whatthe fox I will ask for a rise however only today tge boss was complaining about the electricity bill, wholesalers bills and how much we have to cut back more . I just feel a bit resentful - I walked 13000 steps today at work 9-3 no break - I cannot work any harder and tbh I am not the only one . Some times I think about moving jobs....maybe this will be the catalyst I need to grow some balls !!!

Sorry I am not complaining - at least i have a child friendly job with great people and animals . At least I have a job x sorry to sound spoiled x

My Mum spent her life dissuading my Dad from really bad ideas. Maybe a career change is needed. The consultancy suggestion sounds horrible. Maybe he just wants with job where he can see the kids more? My dh changed career to one in the same field. It's been his making but he's at least using his prior experience too. Maybe use some of the lump sum to retrain or develop new skills instead?

So long as he has thought these things over a cup of tea, not a pint of gin, let him run free for a bit.

He might be on to something.

A man can be surprisingly creative when he puts his mind to a problem!

Redundancy can feel like a rejection, perhaps he needs time to think more clearly. We run our own business. 5 years of development. Working any time day or night as its international. Little money in the first year until marketing kicks in and the expense of that but we are in our second year just and it's all coming together. my advice is whatever you do make sure you love it. Believe in it.