Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

None from my parents and I helped them financially when I was earning enough.
This is far more the norm in many parts of the world.

My Dad gave me £100 for fresher's week at university at 18 (which was a massive surprise!) - that was the last sum of money I was given. A few years later I ended up lending him, interest free, a few thousand pounds - I was surprised when I got it back. No help at all since then - the opposite in fact.

DH left home at 18 for a flat of his own - he was given the bed from his room at his parents house and a bag of groceries. They made modest savings for him whilst he was a child and he had that at 18 (don't know how much exactly but it was about £1K by then time he left home). He also had a small inheritance from a grandparent in his early twenties (a couple of thousand).

As adults we have got no financial support at all - not even free childcare (MIL did a small amount for us at one point and we paid her - at a rate higher than local childminder/nursery but less than professional nanny). If we go out with them we are expected to pay (for us AND them) 80-90% of the time, and do the vast majority of family hosting. PIL are fit and healthy and live locally but we pay for all childcare and ask for no favours from them unless we have absolutely no alternative - they NEVER ask to see the GC by themselves/invite them round/take them out. It grates a little...

We expect and want to help out own adult DCs out - certainly with the big things like house deposits, university, weddings and then the small things like family meals/days out and helping out with GC (and showing we enjoy spending time with them!).

Deposit for a house.
School pick up twice a week. (I'm a lp).

No support at all but birthday and Christmas presents. £50 birthday this year, that was the max.
Siblings have had more help.

I am astonished at all these generous parents here! And 'regular'! Not that I'd take it. Money comes with strings.

My mum has my daughter one day a week but I'm not sure if that's more of a mutually beneficial arrangement than her helping us, as she wants to spend time wit her and misses her if she doesn't.

Both my parents (separated) will babysit occasionally , maybe once a month or every two months.

I get free labour on my car as my dad runs a garage (just pay for parts!)

My mum gives me £1000 a year on the condition it is spent on house improvements! She also contributed to the house deposit and mortgage.

DH is luckier by far - his parents bought him an ex council flat in central london at auction in the 90s, which is now pretty much a license to print money!

No regular help but until a couple of years ago my parents paid for my flights back to visit them.

FIL does have DD over fairly regularly for sleepovers but its just as much to help him as us as his youngest is a couple of years older than DD and is less trouble for him when she has someone to play with.

I have never had any financial help from my parents since I left uni.

Regular help - none.

Emergency help - a few times, when no other option.

Childcare - we use a nursery. Mil offered to help one day a week but for various reasons we felt better to keep grandparents to fun and maybe emergency childcare rather than regular.

Fortunately both of us have very supportive families who never question our decisions and who never use money or anything else as leverage. We get on brilliantly with both sides.

Yes I've had help too.
Childcare during the school hols
Gifts, some of them really big, 'just because' but always because they knew that we needed it.
They are currently oay No for the dcs too have some tutoring on a special subject.

We would have managed wo it iyswim (as in we've never ASK for money and we could manage wo it) BUT it has made a HUGE difference to us.
Fwiw my parents never had any help form their own parents. But my mum parents have helped their other 3 children all their lives (from sending money very regularly to giving two of them a roof over their head....)

One thing though, I wouldn't even think that helping with university is a financial help for an adult. For me (and DH) that's a given and part for what you do asparents, the same than your would support a child in 6th form.

Speaking from the opposite end, I care for a GC 2 days a week (saving my DD child care costs - and giving me loads of fun!), I shared a small legacy 4 ways (us, and 3 DDs) when parents died, I helped out towards weddings (bought the dresses + help in kind) , and occasionally have subbed a family holiday (DDs paid only half price).

I take the view that it is good to have the chance to see them all enjoying themselves rather than them doing so when I am dead. They never ask for financial help and I cannot imagine them doing so.

When I was 21 my Dad said I was on my own! Parents had contributed their share to student grant but after that zilch. I have no complaints about that.

My grandparents lent me an enormous amount of money to buy a house. It's being payed back at £550 per month. It is legally tied up and the house will be sold if the repayments aren't met though. Nothing other than that, but I'm very aware of how fortunate I am in being loaned the money.

Uni, wedding and generous Christmas presents. Also Dad usually pays if we go out for a meal (don't see them very often so not regularly), MIL buys lots of clothes for my DD - usually Primark/H&M - and treats to a meal out when she visits.

No money given but plenty of practical help including school pick up 1 x per week by Mum and babysitting prob twice a month from Dad.

Generous birthday and Christmas presents from my Dad (he loves buying presents) and he does nice things such as last week he got dd a lampshade and a blind for her new bedroom as we are moving and he saw them when out and about.

If we go out for lunch or coffee he pays. This is approx once a month or so, I wish I saw him more often but busy schedules.

I'm 30, dd is nearly 6.

My parents bought us a house in my hometown when I was pregnant with DD as we were struggling to find anyone to rent from even though we had a years worth of rent in cash as DP had quit his job as they wouldn't give him time off to see his mum when she was dying, and the vast majority of landlords of suitable two bed properties wouldn't rent to people with children. DP now has a job where he earns a lot less than he did when we lived in London, but it allows for more time spent with dd which is worth far more to us than a larger salary.

They also send me a few hundred pounds a month, which I have said we don't need as they don't charge us any rent, but they have said that they don't want to cancel the direct debit. So I put it into DDs savings account rather than living extravagantly and she will have a substantial pot for when she is 18. My parents are very wealthy so it makes very little difference to them and they want to ensure we all had the best start possible to family life (plus it means more time with their GD as we didn't return to London). I am extremely grateful to them and I hope to repay their generosity somehow once I go back to work when dd is at school.

They also provide childcare on the occasions DP and I go out for dinner or we go to the gym, in fact it is usually at their request as they want to have DD to themselves for a few hours, they are always quite put out when we return after 'only' two hours. And DD will go to my DMs preschool when I go back to uni next year so I won't have to pay for childcare and she won't be left with strangers. They are also taking us all on holiday this summer to a hotel we went to every year during my childhood which will be lovely as it became a home from home for me and my DB who is also coming with his partner.

I am incredibly lucky, and I'm not going to reject their financial help that makes our lives much easier because of pride. Their help means we don't claim the benefits we are entitled to, leaving more for the people who do really need it. I hope I will be able to support dd in the same way when she is an adult and starting out on her own in life. We are in our early 20s and we don't know anyone who doesn't get financial help from their parents so it doesn't seem strange to us. I don't feel guilty as I didn't ask for any of it, it was offered and we gratefully accepted the help they can provide. They have never tried to control us or our lives and are very respectful of our need for time as a little family of three, whereas the other side of the family are prone to guilt tripping us if they don't see DD 2+ times a week often for late evening meals which is not good for DD and is draining and stressful for DP and I.

None.

My parents would help out with childcare maybe once a month on average, and when we moved into our house they were great with practical help with painting etc.

No financial help since I finished uni, but I was able to support myself at that time - no big expensive holidays or anything, but could afford to live within my means. DH & I paid for our own wedding & house deposit.

I would value the practical help we get over any money

You haven't answered the big question, what choices is your Mother making, that you so strongly disagree with ?
Is someone persuading her otherwise?
Does she have the onset of dementia ?
I think you also have to consider your children in this, will their standard of living drop ?
We need more answers OP 😀

No help at all from either side. The fact that the last of them died 20 years ago probably has a lot to do with it.

I was given 70k for a deposit on my first flat which came from inheritance left to my mum from my granddad. I was given £1000 when I turned 18 and a couple of top ups at uni but mostly managed on a student loan. My mum is buying my wedding dress (£200) low maintenance wedding but I now tend to do the buying of lunches / dinner out etc. I would love to take her to Japan for a good holiday and hope to do so soon. Oh she also got me a smoothie maker for my first flat! And both parents help with childcare in summer holidays for odd days and my in laws will have them for a week this summer.

None. Mil babysat once when the DC were 8, 10 and 12. Fil promised us some cash to help out once, and then didn't deliver. DF gave me a gift of £1k as a one off when he sold the family home. DM babysat once when she visited us. Parents actually charged me rent when I was a student at home in the holidays, and working for them.

In fairness though, they would have gladly helped out with the DC more if they didn't love 500 miles away. And with the exception of FIL, who has lots of money (huge house, several foreign holidays a year), the others really don't. We are considerably better off than them.

Nothing.
I regularly take my mum food shopping and pay for it as she has so little.

Left home at 17 and have been on my own two feet since in very sense.

Nothing.

I pretty much self funded from the age of about 14 with paper rounds, babysitting jobs etc.

Left home at 17 and worked.

Child care was very rare- I paid for childminders and nurseries.

I like to think I am quite generous with DS - help him out a lot with Uni costs and general spending.

My parents paid for our wedding and contributed a large sum towards our last house move. We're looking to move again in the future and they've already suggested they'll add some in to get us the best place.

They don't give us regular money because we don't need it. I know if we did they would though, but it would take a lot for me to ask.

I have just asked for a little short term help as DS1 wants to go on a school trip abroad next year, which we want him to go on but the amount of money and short length of time isn't really doable so I asked if they'd mind paying it and I'd pay it back ( they weren't happy with the pay back bit!!)

They're generally very generous though, if we go out for meals they like to pay- if we want to pay for a change we have to be sneaky about it . I find that embarrassing but it's the way they are, they like spoiling everyone and they're trying to get rid of money to limit inheritance tax

I don't know anyone with children who gets regular financial support from parents.

I helped out my parents financially from being a teenager in full time work. We have never had any money from parents and no inheritance.

However now my DC are adults I help them out, pay regularly into savings accounts for them and will help fund a house when they are ready to buy.
This is because I can, and because I consider my money to be family money and am happy to see it used for DC.