Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

My parents are very generous with us, they aren't hugely wealthy themselves but comfortable and have paid off their house etc.

They paid for my uni fees (which were a lot lower then!) and gave me £200 a month throughout uni. Then when I finished my dad incrementally lowered it over a year before stopping it (not something I was expecting as I thought he'd just stop it as soon as I left)
They paid for our wedding (£7k) and then afterwards my mum gave me £500 because she said it had been cheaper than she was expecting. They bought our pram for our baby (again they offered), and my mum bought me new shoes when I was pregnant because she was worried about me wearing cheap shoes with swollen feet.

They live too far away to babysit or anything like that. But when they visit they'll usually buy a takeaway for us and if we go on occasional days out they will usually insist on paying.

They are very relaxed about money and not particularly money focused themselves, for them it's not a big deal to help us if they can and they never hold it over us. I hope that I will be able to be the same for my children. Financially things are tight but doable for us, I don't think I have asked to borrow money for a long time. I don't think I'd ever ask for money for a holiday or anything like that as that seems like a luxury to me. We usually do one holiday a year in the uk and save for it.

Nothing now, although DM loves buying things for her grandchildren! But nothing we need, iyswim. Not that that make sense it any less lovely.

However when I was a new grad without a proper job I lived at home rent free (I tried to pay but they wouldn't have it) until I got on my feet, and they've helped out in times of need. Also, my parents believe strongly in fairness so when they ended up paying for DSis's wedding (long story) they insisted on giving me and dh an equivalent amount. This helped us with our house - we'd have managed but I can't deny it was welcome assistance. More than that though, the practical help they gave us - coming for weekends to help us paint, lending tools etc - was invaluable.

PiLs did much the same for dh, in terms of letting him move back in after uni until he got himself sorted out, and helping us with a deposit on our house. They also did a lot to help practically, and DfiL still does - since DMiL passed away he quite often comes over and spends the day here pottering around the garden. He doesn't need to, he'd be welcome to just come over, but I think for him keeping busy helps him to cope with his grief.

So we've both benefitted from supportive parents when we needed them, but luckily that support hasn't had strings attached. I hope we'll be able to do the same for ds and any siblings he may one day have when the time comes.

I help my son and his family out as often as I can. They have 2 disabled children and not much money coming in. I am an OAP - still working full time. Up at 5:00 am and at my desk at 7:30 am. If I slow down I will not be able to help them any more. I love my family and help out whenever I can with cash and my time and I know it is appreciated. I will help for as long as I can and would never see them struggle if I can do something about it. It's called love.

I don't get an awful lot regularly from my parents but they do go above and beyond when I do need it.

They paid for my wedding to DH - I never asked them to, and it was never explicitly explained that they would, but each time DH and I booked something, they would insist on paying for it. They never once questioned our choices or tried to influence our decisions at all, they just wanted to pay so that we could save money for our house that needed renovating.

Onto the house...they are my landlords, and charge me below market rent, however this is because there is no mortgage on the house and they are charging me the same as what they charged the previous tenant (who moved in in 2004 and her rent never went up from then), so I'm effectively paying 2004's market rent.

They have also been extremely generous when we have renovated the house and have helped both financially and in manpower when it came to fitting and re-decorating the kitchen and bathroom in particular.

I don't have children but my husband has a daughter, who is with us half the time and goes to a childminder once a week. This is right around the corner from where my mum works, and so my mum offered to pick her step-DGD up from the childminder once a week and look after her until we finish work.

Basically my parents help us out a LOT, both financially and in other ways. But the difference is that they are in no way controlling and don't try to influence any of our decisions, and they stay out of our business. DH adores them just as much as I do! We are, of course, eternally grateful, but never made to feel like we owe them anything.

Nothing from my father apart from financial support through uni.

My mother is generous to a fault, but I have to rein her in as she really has very little. My brother and I support her as much as we can by transferring money each month, but she would give us the coat off her back if we didn't stop her.

My PIL are extremely generous. They paid for most of our wedding and had both our children for 1 day per week up until school. They also have them for a few weeks per year over the holidays. They have paid for skiing lessons for the children and also a skiing holiday for all of us recently. There have also supported us in various ways when renovating houses etc. I appeecite we are extremely lucky. They are very good people and apart from he odd rankle here and there we get on and have similar values. They want to fund an extension on our house as currently the children share a room. It makes me feel uncomfortable as it's so far removed from what I'm used to, but it's their way of passing on inheritance. It's not unusual in their circle of friends. A great many friends buy houses for their children and fund grandchildren's school fees.

Parents supported me through uni (paid my rent and gave me an allowance). So until I was 22/23.
After that nothing.
Although they did loan me just under 4 grand when I bought my house, but I paid them £100 a month back and finished that earlier this year.
They always pay for my flights if I visit them - my dad has a rule that we can never be too poor to visit our parents.

My parents don't give us money however if they are out shopping they will pick up nappies for my baby, take my son on days out, help out with buying his uniform for example I'll buy the uniform and they buy his shoes.
DPs parents helped us with the deposit for our house and will treat us to a meal out when we go over to visit.

Very grateful to them all x

I seem to be in the minority but my parents supported me through uni (flat and allowance), helped me with deposit for first home and paid for half my wedding (DH father paid for other half). My parents grew up poor and made well for themselves, they are very driven and work for their children and grandchildren, to give us choices (their words not mine) - no childcare for me as I live far away but a lot for my brother and sister. I have a great career and so does my husband so we don't need nor want anything else, they have already done too much. My sister and brother get a bit more help financially now to help them have an 'easier' life as don't get paid as well as DH and I, my parents are controlling but whether we took the money or not they would be the same, it is their character and that will never change and I love them dearly despite this. If we go out for dinner or on holiday with them they will pay - whenever I say no, my dad says that that is why he works and it gives him the best pleasure to treat us as he didn't have that growing up. I suppose a lot of people would think I/we are spoilt and in monetary term we are but Mum does not keep good MH and therefore it isn't all roses, I would give all the help up to have a healthy minded DM but you get the cards you get in life and I feel very fortunate for the cards I got.

OP I suppose it depends whether you think her choices would be influenced by you taking the money or not. In my family money is separate to everything - I don't always support my parents choices but I support they are adults and can do what they want and be judgemental on me, sometimes I listen sometimes i don't.

Edit: I hope to do the same for my children, as my parents say, children are your wealth and that is why my husband and I work hard, to afford for opportunities for our children wether it be to take them trips to amazing countries when they are older, allow them to do the hobby they choose, go on school trips etc.

What sort of choices is your Mother making, do you mean she is giving you money with conditions? Proud of you lot on here, by the way, going it alone and not sponging well done! I have sometimes helped my adult DKs out, when its genuine, 2 have severe mental health problems, unable to work, at one point my DH has lost his job liquidation, then in the winter 3 lost their benefits through no fault of their own, 2 have mental health issues, one severe, that private company desiding who was and wasnt disabled enough a few years back, desided my DS with Rapid Cycling Biopolar, dndt "need" benefits, one DD with small kids, they desied here ex-was living with her, (he wasnt, he was living with his parents, and they had sent tax returns to their address and deneyed it, luckily his DM is a qualified lawyer) she would never ask for a penny, I would offer, other DD had redundancy money, and only buys designer stuff, was depressed about being made redundant, but DHs company had liquidated on the spot, he had a nerous breakdown, 2 of those were from a previous marriage, DH wasnt happy me helping (i.e. I had to pay the fuel bills it was snowing!) because we had very little money. For Birthday/Christmas I give them things they need, car insurance. They have borrowed money and always paid it back. My own parents, werent very well off when I was young, my (late) Father had degenerative bone and spinal problems, (late) DM didnt work, till later, she did pay a bill for me once in an emergency, but I was brought up to fend for myself, paid "keep", which my friends thought was awful.MIL however, (whome we no longer see) used to try and throw money at us, there was usually conditions attached, felt like we were being bought! We didnt want it.

annie I don't think you are in the minority. Everyone I know was supported by their parents through university and helped with a deposit etc.

No real practical help.

But financially they have helped us out many times, they have bought washing machines when one broke leaving us up shit creek, beds for the kids, odd sums of money here and there. MOTs.

When dc were younger, my dad decided to gives us Clarks vouchers for their Christmas's and birthdays (as well a present). He said he knew how important good shoes are for little feet, but also knew that when children need new shoes it's usually the worst possible time financially!

Those vouchers were an absolute god send. I put them in my purse then anytime dc needed new shoes I didn't have to think twice.

My parents struggled when we were growing up, but by the time we'd left home they were doing very well. They have always been generous people.

I will happily do the same for my dc too.

OP are you coming back?

I have supportive parents but don't get regular financial help and never have. If i was in desperate need they would help if i asked, but i would have exhausted all other options (bank loans / overdraft) first.

You need to think about the fact that you need this help to live the way you do - it doesn't sound like you are using the money for days out and treats?

If you disagree morally with her, she will disagree morally with you, and may well stop giving you the money - how will you cope if that happens? Do you have a back up plan?

The moneysavingexpert website has an in depth spreadsheet you can use to see how much your income is vs your outgoings. You need to put absolutely EVERYTHING you spend money on into it, and then you can see where the money goes and where you can make savings.

Could you relocate to a cheaper area? Is your job that you love something you could relocate and do or is it your specific job and colleagues that you love?

Could you get a second job and do your current one part time / voluntarily instead?

The upshot is you are living beyond your means and are at risk of getting into real financial trouble if your mum stops funding you. It might not even be her choice - what if she gets made redundant or makes a bad investment?

We've been lucky and had some big chunks of money from one set of parents when they've downsized (house deposit sized). Other set have also given us odd bits (in the hundreds) e.g. bought us a TV, paid for a school residential trip and contributed towards orthodontic treatment. But not anything regular from either, and it's always been a gift of their choosing; I wouldn't dream of asking for help.

My parents bought me my house But, they've also bought 2 others and rent them out currently, but they are for my sisters as inheritance, I just needed to live in mine sooner than they did. We had nothing growing up, and my parents have worked incredibly hard to be able to do this. I also work for their business, and have done from the beginning, helping it get off the ground, so I don't feel like it's totally a handout. I am enternally grateful, to live without rent or mortgage is incredible and I will never stop thanking them for it. Amazing people really.

Neither of our parents give us money regularly - we have jobs and don't need it.
But, if I go shopping or something with my mum she will buy me a top or something because it still gives her pleasure, and she will always pay for lunch or dinner. I am out of work at the moment due to returning from abroad - DHs mum bought a dress and shoes for DD for SIL's wedding because of this, she knows I will offer her the money back with my next pay cheque in September although she's unlikely to take it.
Before I was married and I had just started my career my dad used to pay for my car repairs, but since married he hasn't, understandably!

So occasional help but not regular.

My parents give me lots of money. My mother gives me about £200 a month. I ask her not to, but she does it anyway. My father gave me £20k towards our house. I live with my DP and we are in our mid 30s. My parents are not particularly wealthy either.

I used to feel very ashamed of this but I got over it. I rationalise it in this way; my parents neglected me emotionally and I've battled with depression and low self-esteem since about 9 years old. Does this money make up for it? Well it helps. Particularly when I spend it on counselling.

The money my father gives us comes with the understanding that I am still his property until we are married and he's providing for his future grandkids (I don't want to get married or have kids but whatever).

My DP is smashing, earns a strong wage. His parents are lovely people. Not so bonkers about money. They give us gifts sometimes, but with no hidden agenda.

My parents late live rent free when I was younger.

Paid for my Masters.

Gave us 5k towards our wedding.

Gave us 10k when we bought a house.

We have young dc 3 and 5 now. They give us money ad hoc, eg £500 for holiday when we had 2 lots of nursery fees to pay for, the odd few hundred here and there when we've had big car repair bills. Our income dropped after dd2 when I went pt and my mum said she would like to help out financially sometimes as they were happy I didn't work ft and couldn't help with free childcare as other gp did.

I'd hope to be similarly supportive with my dds when they grow up. It's made such a difference having that support - they've paid for education so I could get a better job, Bailed me out when I've been in between jobs. And I'd never be afraid to ask.

Otoh the safety net means I'm not very responsible with money and spend more than I have. Dh has never been given anything apart from £1000 wedding present. He doesn't want it and is uncomfortable with handouts.

My parents have made quite a bit of money over the years - property, shares and generally being very, very careful with money. They don't pay for bits like uniform and holidays, etc. but have been very generous to all three of us kids.

They paid for my rent at Uni, lent ,etc money for my first car (but then weren't bothered about me paying the whole amount back), our weddings, and have given us money. My brother had £25,000 for a house deposit so I got the same into my account to pay off a chunk of our mortgage. This has happened a few times but not with as much money!

They're great and will always make sure all three of us have had the same, even though we're not bothered if one of us siblings ends up with more than the others!

Oh, and they also did one day of childcare a week for 10 years.

My mum picks up DS from school twice a week. She has given regular care for him since he was little, at her own insistence, for which I was very grateful. I give her spending money for outings, ice creams etc and provide all meals. However she has made us feel beholden to her and over the years various incidents have caused a rift between us. I wish I could change the arrangement but DS loves her so much I can't do it to him so we limp on.

DH's parents kindly gave us a lump sum towards a house deposit and also help out in the holidays but have never made us feel uncomfortable or that they are doing it out of anything other other than love. Unsurprisingly our relationship with them is much closer and more honest.

I borrow money but never have it given, so they really help out in hard times but I pay it back and then usually buy them a little something to say thank you!

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well

See your post makes you sound as if you're using your mother and could quite happily cut her off if you didn't need to take from her

None. In fact, I'd to give them petrol money to visit and then had a direct debit giving my mum pocket money (as did my sister, neither of us knew about the other until she died!) because she just couldn't manage on her pension. They lived too far away for babysitting although the DCs would stay at their house for a week in the summer to help me out (single parent - summer holidays a bit difficult!)

I don't have an issue with it. Many of my parents' generation benefited from council house sales and house price rises. They do generally have a larger disposable income than future generations can expect. Mine just made a few bad choices ;DF started his own business but didn't have the commercial acumen to make it profitable, despite employing 30 people. DM only ever worked in poorly paid PT jobs, school cleaner, school lunches, basic admin type roles. They separated in their 60s and things got even worse, hence us helping them out.

DD1 asked for some help when she changed jobs just after payroll cutoff and had to wait two months to be paid. She repaid that pretty quickly. Apart from that, I've never subbed them.

My parents helped support me at university (although this was in the days of full grants). For the most part, I didn't need much help after that - very different times - but I remember them helping when I needed to replace the car very quickly and had to move house. However things have changed - my son's at uni and I expect we'll be helping him out as much as we're able for some years to come. I feel I've had a relatively easy life and that now it's time to give a little back. I hope he will never feel we expect anything in return.

Never had any financial support and live miles from all relatives so no childcare. I worked and studied at the same time but went as a mature student.

Both DH and myself had/have decent careers so had paid off mortgage by mid thirties. I earned a quite decent amount when very young modelling and I invested that money. He also started investing when very young from a job he had in his gap year working in a laboratory. He worked throughout University and it was in the days of no tuition fees and his parents subbed him a little.

DS has had a paper round since 13, It's only once a week and takes about 3 hours because you need to put leaflets in the papers and it's quite a big round. He has tendered out part of this work to another boy. He has saved the majority of his wages and has almost £2000.

We will assist DS but though we could just pay for everything and could do stuff like buy him a house outright it's not happening. We have basically taught him how to manage and make money from a very young age.