Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

Non ever. Wouldn't be offered it or exp it. I'm an adult.

odins it's a bit silly to offer or give what you don't actually have to spare but asking if you know they're going to struggle to give it is pretty horrid

Nothing since being a teenager (either in terms of actual £££s or favours like childcare).

Other family members aren't the same and I think it has had a huge negative effect in that I'm not sure they've ever been able to learn how to manage as adults, wouldn't be able to if the tap were turned off, etc.
They also underestimate time costs (e.g. looking after children or collecting stuff from shops, getting a lift) so they've never really stood on their own as adults.

It's a very fragile / vulnerable & unsatisfactory way of living imho.

@lucyandpoppy123

I'm 23 now and my dad died in January 😔 so no financial help anymore

WTAF?????????????

My dad still pays my car insurance for me. I have offered but he says not to bother about it. That's the only regular thing at the moment, but they have been extremely generous in giving me money while I've been a long-term student here and overseas. And as a result of all the moving around, they've also been very generous in making sure I always have a place to come home to if and when I need it.

I've just taken a new job with quite a substantial paycut. It's enough to live on but no luxuries. My parents have kindly offered to pay for a regular art class I go to, so that I'll still have that, but that's going to be my birthday/Christmas present money.

Beebee what was your comment for?

My dad died in January (:( sad face about him dying) and side note that's answers question in OP about how much financial help you receive from your parents - none. Not sure if you maybe misread it as I'm sad he died because he can't give me money anymore? Rude reply to me anyway!

My DM regularly treats me to things despite being a pensioner.

DF pays my car insurance and occasionally (once or twice a year) pays my childcare bill to free up money for me for other things like my £500 glasses (no, I can't get them cheaper or wear contacts) or pay for DS to do extracurricular activities. In the past they've bought my shopping to keep me from using foodbanks, but being made redundant 3 years ago gave me a payout that enabled me to settle debts and live within my means barring the exceptions above. They also provide childcare a couple of days a week to keep my childcare bill down. XP used to do those days, but he fucked off completely 18m ago and we've had no contact since.

Today I had an operation I've been waiting for for 15 months cancelled yet again. One of the first things my DM asked was how much would it be privately? I looked it up and it was nearly £5k so lol, nope, but they were just like "Well, if it comes to it we can do that." They can afford it but they'd have to move money around to do it so I'd rather avoid that for the sake of another 5 or 6 weeks wait on the NHS (hopefully).

I'm a single Mum on a low NHS wage and topped up with benefits. I try and be as self sufficient as possible through careful budgeting and upcycling. My DParents are/were both high earners who bought property during the house price crash in the 70s. DF is a savvy investor who plays the stockmarket and doesn't make frivolous purchases. If I ever find myself well off enough to do the same as they have then I will, but I don't think the world works that way for most people any more. They are classic baby boomers and DSis and I are classic Millennials. Thankfully they don't believe that all we have to do is work hard etc. They got no help from their parents (who had nothing), so they believe it's their duty to help me and DSis. DSis and I don't expect it or take the piss, so they're happy to support us.

I sincerely hope that if my children were ever at the point were they were considering a food bank or being unable to pay the bills that they would let me help if I could.

My sister and I both got a small monthly allowance gifted to us from when we left home until we bought our own homes. We also both got small gifts towards buying our homes and even smaller ones towards our weddings.

We have very kind generous parents, our father has always worked hard but we did go through some tough financial times growing up so whilst our parents were doing well they felt they were able to give us some of their wealth.

Now they are coming up to retirement and we are both married home owners we decided that the funds would be put to better use with them winding down the business a little and enjoying their lives.

Zilch except will babysit in emergency.

I'm really surprised at how many people seem to be so sneering at anyone who gets any help at all from their parents. I understand there are situations where you would want to cut yourselves off from controlling or abusive situations. And I totally get that not all parents are in a position to help, whether financially or practically.

But we're talking about families. It seems perfectly normal to me that if parents can help, they might want to, just as if parents need help, children would do that too. My parents, like many here, are of the baby boom generation. They have a nice house and a good pension, which is more than they need for their current lifestyle. So they are happy to help me and my brother, because they love us and because they can. And we help them out with things they need - which tend to be at a more practical level, like driving to hospital appointments, sorting out their internet, mowing the lawn. Interdependence at that sort of level seems much healthier to me than fierce independence. We all need help sometimes, of whatever kind. It's okay to ask for it and offer it.

All this "adults shouldn't accept help from anybody else"- does that apply to our parents too? Should MIL not have accepted help and support from us when she became old and ill? What with being an adult and that?

I had rather thought ds (16) could spend some of his summer holidays painting the façade of his grandparents' house, but I suppose I ought to tell him not to, then, as they are quite definitely grown-up.

I agree with bridgetreilly that this sneering is a bit hard to understand. In many families lending a helping hand (practical or occasionally financial) to whoever needs it most at the moment is a normal, and actually quite a joyful, thing to do. We all care about each other's success in life. I want dc's lives to go well and I know they want the same for me. In a non-dysfunctional family, where everybody trusts each other not to take advantage, this seems relatively unproblematic: everybody knows that sooner or later their time may come.

None but when I have my child ill be going back to work and me and oh both have large families that are retired so they'll be having baby a day a week. Which they've asked to!

None

Bridgetreilly - I entirely agree!! If parents can afford it and have money to spare and your children are struggling, it just seems natural to help them out - it will all be theirs one day anyway!

None my parents have died and we get nothing from partners parents

Nothing since I left home 25 years ago.

brigde I'm not sneering about families helping each other out at all, it's just that, in my experience it has led to my friends completely misunderstanding those who have no help. Friends who have had big deposits put down for them (and even houses bought outright for them to pay back with zero interest over whatever time frame they wish)saying to me and dp 'have you considered just buying? I'd hate to be renting at our age'. People somewhat perplexed as to why we're stopping at two dc when we always really wanted 3- they seem to take it for granted that they would get help with childcare/bigger house /bigger car/music lessons for them/holidays etc.

'Can't your parents just help?' is a phrase I hear a lot.

'My parents really enjoy doing childcare/giving us cashcash seeing us happy/treating us' which I have no doubt is true but they often make it sound as though they are doing their parents are favour by taking it rather than the other way around!

I genuinely don't think they mean to sound crass and they certainly aren't ungrateful but because the help has always been there it's totally ingrained in them that it's always available IYSWIM.

for some random reason my dad pays my phone bill. not entirely sure why but everytime we discuss switchinf it to me he tells me not to bother

Wow, I can't believe how much help some people get.

I think the question is how do you feel about accepting it?

My mum offered to bring food over mine for a family celebration that she didn't want at hers (lots of DIY) I had a bit of a rant about not being able to afford a gathering at mine this month due to various expenses, as I couldn't put off buying a few things. I still feel a bit awkward and tight not proving all the food and drink, but they really want to meet up and see DC, so I had to get over feeling awkward for everyone else's sake.

Mum also offered to pay for one of the things I had to buy this month but I said no. Although maybe I'll change my mind after reading these posts!

My mum struggled bringing up me and my siblings. She is helpful now I have DC. Her father was in a position to really help her and her siblings, but unlike her siblings she always said no as she felt her father disapproved of choices she made. I think she enjoys being able to offer help with no strings, but I guess, like her, I feel awkward about accepting help too.

This post is interesting though. I always wondered what I was doing wrong, and wondering how people could save thousands for both a wedding and a house deposit, and get their nails/hair done/meals out/run a car, when they only earn £100 more a month than I do.

It's each to their own I guess. As long as the giver and receiver are happy that's what counts. A little windfall that doesn't involve death or divorce would be nice though. I really could do with a deposit for a house!

Just want to add that I think it's ok to accept help and some people like to give it, no harm in that. However, I do agree with InDubious that a few, (not all) people don't understand that without parental help life can financially be a bit of a struggle sometimes (inviting people out to expensive places/hen do's/holidays, and getting offended when people can't afford to come). I haven't come across a person who never gets help from their parents that doesn't understand that.

I think the question is how do you feel about accepting it?

Smashing blouses - would you, if you could, do the same for your children or your parents? The reason I am happy to accept both financial and non-financial help from my parents is that I would gladly do it for other family members. It's doesn't make me a lesser person for having help with childcare or my parents paying for a holiday the children wouldn't otherwise have.

My mum gave me some money when I was at university (around £50 a month - I was the last year to get a grant!)

When my paternal grandmother died, she didn't leave me anything in her will, but my dad gave me and my sister £3k each from his share of the legacy - this was when I was around 21. I also had around £1.5k from my grandparents at about the same time.

Since leaving university I haven't had financial support from my parents, but they would have helped with a house deposit if necessary (I think my mum gave my sister around £15k for a deposit; she also bought her a car a few years ago, paid her rent when she was off work for a couple of months on SSP and occasionally lends her some money - sister is on a professional salary but didn't have a large amount in savings, perhaps because she has an expensive horse-habit). But my parents do free ad-hoc childcare for me which allows me to earn some money working from home.

Compared to many on this thread we've had a significant amount of help.

We both had our rent paid through Uni, as did everyone I knew bar one. This was £250/pm 10 years ago. Whenever my parents came to visit at uni they'd take me to the supermarket to stock me up with food.

Fast forward a few years, when I was finishing my PhD (minimal stipend) and DH was working 3 days a week and doing his law course 3 days pw, my dad bought a new car and gave me his old runaround. This made both of our lives about a million times easier and we've looked after it so still have the car 5 years later.

Our wedding was a 3 way split between us, my parents and in laws.

My parents gifted us half the deposit on our house with the justification 'the money would be coming to you eventually anyway so we'd rather give it to you when you need it'. This saved us about 18 months in rent+saving.

In laws buy new furniture suites every few years and pass the 'old' ones on to whoever in the family needs/wants them. They offered to let us live with them rent free whilst saving for our deposit but it was just too far away from work. SiL and BiL are currently living there to save.

More than the direct financial help though, both sets of parents are generous to a fault and would give you the clothes of their back if they thought you needed them more. They've helped us so much with things like lifts, moving, taking us for meals out etc. The attitude that both parents have is that if they have money just sitting in the bank which could be used to help their children then why watch them struggle. Now we're both finished studying and doing well in our careers we have no need for financial help but I cannot express how much they've helped us over the past decade whilst we've been establishing ourselves. We've both worked since we were 15, DH used to work 3 jobs over the uni summer holidays so I don't feel like we don't know the value of money or anything.

We hope to have the same attitude with our children and everyone in both (extended) families will help each other out with anything that's needed, be it financially, skills, emotionally or time. Noone takes advantage or feels guilty, we all have peaks and troughs in life and I feel very lucky to know we are in a position to both give and receive support where needed.

My parents paid for everything for me until I left university. They also paid for my wedding. Since then my dad lent me money to pay off a car loan about 18 years ago which I paid him back for. Since then, not a single penny. They are extremely well off, have properties with values in excess of £3M and a lot of cash but still in their 60's and are enjoying life. I expect that when they die we'll get a hefty lump sum but at the moment nothing. I wouldn't ask but I do know if we were ever in need, as in proper need, they'd be there like a shot. My IL's don't give us anything either although they've taken us on holiday a couple of times. Again, they're very well off and it will come our way one day but not at the moment.