Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

My dad gave me £1,000 as an eighteenth present.

Then has helped me out here and there with smaller amounts of money up until the age of 23 however I did pay it back when my student loan from Uni came in. Also gifts like clothes for my DD etc.

When we moved into our current rented house 2 years ago aged 21 he paid the deposit and other fees (can't remember exactly how much but over £1,000 I think)

I'm 23 now and my dad died in January 😔 so no financial help anymore

What fucking planet do some people live on?

Not everyone comes from an affluent family. Not everyone has parents who can afford to subsidise them. Not everyone is born middle class. I can't believe it is necessary to point this out so bluntly, but evidently it is.

I left home t go to university when I was 18 with a few groceries and a couple of twenty pound notes in my pocket to start me off. Since then I have not received a single penny from my parents apart from Christmas and birthday presents. I never expected them to subsidise me, and I have stood on my own two feet ever since.

I've not RTFT but I have asked my dad for £100 once when I had bailiffs threatening to turn up at the door and when I was out of work for a few months my mum bought me meat and bits of food a few times.
My sister has heavily relied on both parents for lots of support, both childcare and monetary.
Dp has never had help from his parents but his sister has had lots. I'm beginning to think being the eldest sibling has something to do with it!

No childcare from parents on either side.

DH's Mother has no money, so she couldn't help even if she wanted.

My DP gave us £300 for a washing machine eight years ago, which I paid back. They also loaned £2k for a replacement car six years ago, this has not yet been paid back.They are in a position where they could pay off our entire £80k mortgage simply from their savings account, but we haven't asked - we value our independence and know that such an arrangement would come with strings.

Actually I suppprt Mum and Dad a bit now. Do a big grocery shop every so often, pay to take them on a self catering cottage holiday, paid off a big (BIG!) house bill. They just can't manage extras any more.

In answer to your question ftw my parents and inlaws I believe do ok.

Money is never discussed in either family but I know that my parents have been paying my sisters mortgage and utility bills for at least 2 years while she struggles to find suitable employment that pays enough to cover her bills.

BIL is wealthy himself with a few rental properties himself but he struggles to pay for childcare with young children so my inlaws pay for that entirely and pay for his holidays too.

We however never get offered any money or help and neither myself or my DH would feel comfortable taking money from pensioners in any case. Its always causing issues within the family especially when siblings circumstances change but they still expect parents to continue paying out to them.

No help whatsoever. Monetary or otherwise. I'd be too ashamed to unless we were in absolute dire straights ie unable to put food on the table.

My Parents have been very generous over the years. They have worked hard for everything they have and passed this onto me and my DB. Sadly my Mum died16 years ago. I have never asked for any money or help to buy my first home or my or my first home with now DH

When I go married 16 years ago they gave me £3k and said it was a wedding gift.

My DF invested some money for me and my brother and when I was 18 it was passed over to me as an ISA. I also inherited some money from. My Mum after she died which I invested in stocks .

My Dad is always very generous with gifts at birthday and Christmas and we politely argue over who is paying the bill when we go out for a meal as my Dad always wants to pay as he is old school like that.

We have no help in terms of babysitting son or childcare but that is because DAd is elderly and does not live locally. He very generously buys gifts for our son e.g. iPad mini one Christmas and bike last birthday and gets great pleasure in buying such gifts for his only grandchild . My Dad is comfortably off through working hard for many years and being canny at investing.

At Christmas, which we host every year, he gave me five hundred pounds as he left , he refused to take it back and to,d me I was to put towards the food and drink etc . I buy my Dad bits and pieces when I go to see him and use it for treats.

I'm lucky that I do not need my Dads help but it it is lovely that hewants to spoil us I hope to do this for my own DS in time.

Parents supported me through Uni, paid deposit on my first property.
Paid back the deposit plus appreciation, now expected to fund my parents retirement.

No help from parent since I was 16 (and very little before that as money was very tight!). None from in-laws either, and none of our parents could help with childcare, just babysat about once a month. Consequently, we have supported our two adult children in many, many ways! We are fortunate, in that we have been able to work extremely hard and have a nice lifestyle; I just couldn't watch my children struggle to get on the property ladder and try to have a decent standard of living, whilst we are living in comfort. Rightly or wrongly, both me and DH are only too happy to subsidise them when we feel it's needed ( driving lessons, 1st car, car insurance until they earned a decent wage, financed uni etc etc). They never ask for money - we simply offered when we thought there was a need.

Nothing regular, but they help out in difficult patches. So when I left ex because he was abusive they helped with lawyers bills, and paid for a cleaner so I could up my hours at work.

I'm proud I saved house deposit etc myself and have always paid all bills etc. I am fiercely independent and wouldn't like to "need" their help again. But am grateful they could step in when life was at its very hardest.

Now I am properly back and recovered they dont need to help me. They do like to be generous at birthdays /Christmas though, my mum tends to buy me quite a lot of nice clothes for instance.

I am glad that they helped me through a rough patch.

Never got any help. Never needed it. Never asked. Never had it offered.

That said, it doesn't bother me if other people do get help - or give it.

Having said that, I do judge people a bit if they're over 30, and they're asking for financial help from someone they know.

None!

Well not since I lived at home as teenager.

We (my siblings and I) get by quite fine by earning our own money and paying our own way, just like I thought most others did too.

I've had some very generous support from my folks over the years. They paid for my accommodation 1st year uni, then 2nd year put down £15k deposit on a property for me which I lived in as owner/landlord with uni friends. We were lucky to have bought at the right time, so sold that property at a profit to buy my first house with DP (now DH), but unfortunately the sale created a £9k capital gains bill the following tax year which my folks paid. The bill was very unexpected as I'd been advised by the tax office there would be nothing to pay as I'd lived there as my principal residence, but the rental situation made it that I only got relief on a portion. Complicated!

After I started working in finance I was explaining to my Dad what a good deal my student loan was (back when they were!) and weirdly he gifted me £9k to pay it back because he was impressed with how much I understood it. Or something. I never quite got why, but He insisted I only use it to clear the loan which I did.

So £33k all told, which is a heck of a lot when you add it up. I'd never be living in my own house now without having had their support. They're very comfortably off, and are worried about IHT now, so I know they've helped because they could and wanted to, and I fully intend to support them in the future in turn.

This was all over ten years ago, and now they help us out with very occasional childcare (one day a month max), which we really appreciate. Recently my granny passed away, and although my mum was named in the will, she divided her portion between me and my brother, and gifted me £20k which I haven't decided what to do with - second child on the way, so it'll certainly come in handy! I'm very lucky.

Good grief, just remembered, £15k gifted to pay for our wedding. Bloody hell.

I don't always think it's the money per se that can make or break relationships, rather the attitude to money. PIL can be generous but this often comes with control, e.g. they said they would pay DCs school fees but wanted me to submit all the contract paperwork without giving me a bean. There's no way I'm going to sign anything making me liable for £1000s without actually seeing evidence of the cash!
DM is just tight. It's embarrassing to say so but she is. She inherited £75K just before DC1 was born, owns two houses, has a good pension, always has a new car, retired at 55 etc - and was totally up in arms that the pram we chose for DC1, which she'd said she'd pay for, was approx £500. Really took the joy out of the moment. I wouldn't ask her for anything and I wouldn't expect anything. Harsh but you reap what you sow. Conversely, my aunt and uncle are lovely with money with my cousins. Not controlling, but will give them a bit of petrol money here and there, pay for treats, little things that make life fun. That's how I plan to be with my DC. After all, you can't take it with you!

My parents are not financially involved in my life and I wouldn't trust them with my children. DH too has very little financial contact (large cash gift when we married). They don't live particularly close so no childcare there. I look forward to indulging any grandchildren I might have. But i can hardly foist myself on any. Nor would i.

I've had lots of help from parents over the years - as a single parent studying they paid for all my son's expenses such as school uniform, trips away, took us on holiday.

When I qualified and returned to work they were my childcare and babysitter if I went out of a weekend.

I absolutely am grateful for everything they've done for me, and the upshot of them being so involved in mine and my son's lives is that we're all extremely close.

Now I can afford I try to return the favour, though it will never be to the extent they gave me, by treating them when I can and helping them with mowing the lawns etc.

I have fantastic parents who hold the belief that it takes a whole family to raise a child. My fiancee is Greek so it's even more evident that family help each other out - even coming to full blown arguments on who will pay the bill at a meal out!

I never had a single penny from my parents from when I left home at 16, let alone regular financial help. They never helped me in any way whatsoever.

I don't understand the shame in having help available and taking it. I get the okay doesn't want help on condition though.

Most of my friends have grandparents do childcare and help out with the big things such as house deposits and weddings - why should they refuse?! For most of the twenties they got lots of help with everything!! Cars, clothes, haircuts...

We've had the off small gift but otherwise have been on our own but we've also not needed much, been lucky to land on our feet I suppose

No help since leaving university apart from a one off lump sum for a house deposit ( not a huge amount but it made it possible to get something with DH and a mortgage).

From my mum, nothing financially. She had such money problems (single parent in mid 80s, no wftc etc, no maintenance from dad, 3 kids, low earner). She's all good now. 😃
I had to financially disown her when I was 23 in order to get a mortgage. 😧 I felt awful.
From my dad, nothing regular. He's paid for 2 cp breaks in January and a week in iow for us when I was sahm 7 years ago.
From pil, we get childcare 2 days per week in school holidays. Very grateful, not sure how long they can do this as they're in their 70's.
Partner never had any help from his parents, but I know his sister has had. We've got one child, she's in her 40s and child free.

missanony
why should they refuse? Maybe the parents only offer just to be polite not actually expecting them to say yes. It does seem that way with my inlaws. They offered once to pay for a holiday for BIL and now he asks them every year to cough up the money. MIL has said a few times she'd give him her last penny and that he would gladly take it without a 2nd thought. She cant be the only parent in this situation and once someone gets used to the money being offered/taken its very difficult to stop the cycle for fear of offending anyone.

Zero from ours. I wish they did though lol. Their money is safe in their bank accounts and their free time is also protected from grandchildren as they keep themselves busy and committed elsewhere!

DH and I bought up very differently. I was basically bought up in a way that meant if I couldn't afford it, I couldn't have it. DH's family are splurgers - but within means.

My parents loaned me my half of our house deposit (paid back within a year) which they'd saved since I was tiny and paid for our wedding. They do provide two days a week childcare but I pay expenses. Nothing financially for around 10 years.

On the other hand, the inlaws like to buy us things. Buggies, nursery furniture, cars. I came home one day to a new fridge because DH had mentioned to MIL that ours was on it's way out and she'd ordered us one out of the blue. It makes me feel uncomfortable and makes my parents feel a bit inferior so I ask DH to push back. His siblings have had houses bought for them, cars, don't pay for holidays (his youngest is 22), weddings, no student loans and weren't allowed to get jobs until they graduated.

I still find it strange how un self sufficient they are.