Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

Nothing... ever. My parents grudgingly paid for my wedding but that was it. I left home at 17. Had a lot of help from the in laws, which makes me a bit bitter about my own parents, but nobody helped them either.

None as an adult, although Dad will take us out for dinner when he's in the UK. They supported me through university and paid first flat deposit afterwards. No childcare either from mine or DHs parents.
DHs parents massively support his sister (good job, married to man with a good job) with childcare and paying for holidays and all sorts of other things. Has ruined DHs relationship with them.

No regular financial help and nothing at all bar Christmas & birthday presents prior to having DD. I once borrowed £500 for a month but paid it straight back. I've always known if I got stuck or needed a loan they would help but I've never wanted to ask and fortunately haven't needed too.

Since I've had DD my mum has helped more in the sense that she buys bits a bobs for her outside of Christmas and birthday, shoes and clothes sometimes but I don't ask for this she has always just done it unexpectedly and because she wants to. They are comfortable but not loaded and live well within their means.

Now I'm back at uni my mum has DD two days a week and helps with child minder pick ups when I'm on long placement shifts. This is invaluable to me as we probably couldn't afford me to carry on training without it. She loves this time with DD and offered, I did not ask.

My mother recently inherited some money and we each (siblings) got gifted £1k toward house deposit which we used towards our renovation project as we had just brought somewhere.

That is literally the grand total across my adult life.

My parents are very wealthy baby boomers and give away a lot of their money ( and time) to charities, they take the view that you can't take it with you. But we will have a sizeable inheritance in the future.

But my dh and I are wealthy too and so we don't need money from my dp. But they have been very kind over the years, I was funded at uni, they buy a big ticket item for each house move and each baby and they are saving money for my 3 dc's future too. My dm in particular thinks of these as gifts, not financial support. I suppose she is right but it's nice and comes with no ties. They're simply generous.

My parents live too far away to provide practical help and my dh' s family never had a bean to give away, we support them.

My father was extremely successful and we were very wealthy. Money was never talked about, whatever I asked for as a child , I received.

University... my father pleaded with me not to take out a loan but I wanted to be like everyone else! I took out a loan but my parents literally threw money at me, so worried that I wouldn't have enough. I never thought about money. I wanted something, I bought it. I wanted to do something. I did it.

Left uni, never charged rent. Paid for driving lessons, holidays etc.

Then both passed away over four year period in my twenties. My siblings and I inherited £100ks each.

So quite honestly my parents have been a very solid financial safety net throughout my entire life.

Has it resulted in me being crap with money? No, quite the opposite

Did it affect how hard I worked at school/uni/job? Absolutely not. I worked like a demon and got a very good job in finance.

Did it make me unfeeling towards those less well off than me? Absolutely not.

Did it mean I didn't appreciate all that I was getting? That I was blinded to how lucky I was? Absolutely not.

All it did was make my life just that little bit (well, quite a lot actually) easier.

Now, with children, I am going to do my very damndest to financially support them as much as possible to make their life just that little bit easier.

I'm an only child and my parents are comfortably well off. The value of money was drummed into me as well as the importance of work ethic and resilience which I'm attempting to instill in my DC. I had an interest free loan of £6k as a house deposit which we paid back at the rate of £250 pcm over a few years. This was back in the late nineties and I was very grateful to my parents who also bought us our first white goods. That's about it - they do give the DC money for Xmas & birthdays but we're only talking £100 a time for their savings accounts, not thousands. I don't want or expect more, I'd rather my parents spend it on themselves and enjoy their retirement whilst they are still relatively healthy.

DH has a strained relationship with his mother because MIL has completely subsidised his youngest sibling on a massive scale that they feel entitled/are dependent on financial help. It has done them no favours - workshy comes to mind and it's not compatible with expensive tastes! MIL has bought a house and car for SIL and subsidises her general living expenses, including her holidays. DH & his brother receive nothing - there is a huge amount of resentment over it. I try to keep out of it - it is so toxic, it's unbelievable. Fair may not equate to equal but we're talking to the tune £250k and nothing! This disparity of sibling treatment makes me glad to be an only child!

I've had a Saturday job from when I was 16 and had to buy my own school lunches from then on. We never got pocket money at all but if we needed something we got it. We didnt have luxuries but had everything we needed for a comfortable life. My parents paid for my accommodation at uni as my maintenance loan was capped due to being on an NHS funded course and I couldn't afford to pay my rent and eat!

My parents also paid for the venue costs of our wedding and my in laws paid for our honeymoon as a wedding gift ( I paid for drese's, flowers, photographer etc)

Apart from that we are totally self sufficient and don't have DCs yet so no childcare required. I'm aware I'm very fortunate to have parents who are in a position to help out financially when we need it, but I would and have not ever asked for their help, it's been a surprise each time.

Sometimes get money for Birthday or Xmas, but no regular help.

Mine are very generous considering they're not especially well off themselves (or put another way, everything they have they earned themselves doing pretty normal jobs - no inheritance or property windfall or similar).

Paid for uni, wedding etc. When we've been on holiday with them, they've paid for all the accommodation, but, they never tell us they're going to and we don't count on it, so when we book/pay for anything, we assume we'll be paying. (So wedding was modest, holidays are UK etc)

All of you saying 'none', could they have?

All our financial planning takes into account that we want to be able to help our kids when they reach adulthood. For example, I'd really like to be SAHM, but if I work, we'll be able to help them with house deposits etc.

From my parents- nothing aside from a bit of cash for birthday and xmas.

From ILs - help with one day a week childcare. Occasional cash gifts - but never because we need it IYSWIM? More like FIL retired and got a good pay out - they gave us a little bit but didn't actually need the money to buy anything at that time.

I know that if we were desperate, either side but be on hand to help out though.

We haven't asked for a penny but have had lots of gifts from both sides of the family:

Big cheques for all of us, cars, holidays, most of our wedding- which was small and not costly, plus Christmas/birthday/meals out etc. Must be thousands and thousands of £'s over the years.

Our DC have had jobs since 13 same as us and are sensible with money.
We can carry on the tradition as we already have a house deposit waiting for dc.
Wealth has always been shared in our families, I think generosity is a good thing.

I don't really think my own experience is that relevant. So what if I was more or less independent at 22 - it was a piece of piss standing on your own two feet in those days. Life is very different for young people now.

No help from parents on either side.

I started working at age 17 and paid rent to them until I moved out at age 20. Dp was the same but moved out age 25.

But I know if we really needed help both sides wouldn't hesitate.

My mother is in a very well paid job and has minimal bills (due to solar panels and things) and she has no mortgage, so she helps me pay off a debt that I got into when I had just moved out, and pays for nursery for my daughter if I'm struggling, she's an absolute star and I love her! My father on the other hand is a total waste of space and has never supported us financially since he left when I was 6 years old. Thank god for my mother, if I didn't have her I don't know what I would do! She really is a diamond, btw I do feel guilty every time I have to ask her to help just in case people thought I took her for granted

Since leaving home at 17, and moving away from my home town at 22, apart from birthdays and Christmas, the only family help I received was my grandmother sending the odd £100 to treat myself, till she sent £3000 to pay for my divorce a long time ago. I'd already paid most of it (in the days of legal aid) and put the money in shares instead - which doubled within a year. Thanks Nana!

I am still at uni and DH is early on in his career. I receive £100p/m from my parents, and that is the only regular money we get, but both sets of parents are very generous and would help if we needed it. When we had a landlord who wouldn't let us move in because of our low income, DILs lent us 6 months up front so we could pay them the rent instead. When we needed a new mattress, my parents just bought us one. Both parents have given us more money in leaner times. We're incredibly lucky to have such supportive parents because otherwise whilst we'd manage we would struggle a lot more.

My grandad has given us money on occasion (I mean about twice ever) for very big things, but apart from that we don't get any money from our families. They don't have money to spare.

I find the idea quite strange actually. Though my grandad does regularly subsidise my mum and she finds the financial tie quite difficult emotionally too.

Nothing 'regular', i.e no childcare, no allowance or anything like that. However my dad is fairly wealthy and does like to gift us things/money occasionally. We have a decent income ourselves so don't need this assistance but he does it because he wants to. For example, our second car died before Christmas. We would happily have done without until we could afford a new one but he had the money sitting there and bought us a small second hand car.
He does regularly put money into the DC's ISAs.
IL's are also pretty wealthy, they like to treat us to meals out etc and when they visit (they live abroad) they stock us up with wine and expensive food that we wouldn't ordinarily buy.
As I said, we don't need any of this stuff and certainly don't ask for it/expect it but they like to do it.

I feel really cheated having seen how much help some people get

My parents aren't well off but are comfortable, they certainly don't go without any luxuries but they don't give us any financial help. When we bought out first property, a new build flat, in 1989 they paid for it to be carpeted but basically that was just two small rooms. We had no help with our second property and with the one we live in now (our third) all we were given was an airier for drying clothes on the radiator (and it wouldn't hook behind so was useless anyway.
We paid for our own wedding.

My in laws are also comfortable and have always offered to help out if we needed them to, and indeed once did when we had an unexpected retention on the mortgage when buying our second property. The hassle we got to pay them back wasn't worth it though, and it wasn't as though we were dragging our feet in doing so, we had to wait for several thousand pounds to be released by the bank once they were satisfied with the work that needed doing.
As a contrast to that, they've 'loaned' thousands to my husband's sister and her husband when they've been unable to pay the mortgage or the bills or have had a large expense, and that money has just been written off as they're useless with money and there's no chance of them repaying it.

Now- nothing. Birthday and Christmas presents go into a pot which we use for house stuff (several years worth helped up when the boiler broke last year), but that's it.

They supported me through university and bought me a car to get to work. I used an inheritance to put a deposit on our first house. They'll help with DS if they are around, but not a regular thing. I'm very thankful for help in the past, but I wouldn't expect the same level of help in my forties as I did in my early twenties.

Lots and lots- from both sides. We are very lucky. Generally not money (although this happens periodically) but regular help w childcare/ironing and when they were younger, decorating. And of course emotional support, which is probably the most important.

We could manage without any sort of help at all but it would be much harder. Again, not the money so much but with the logistics of everyday life.

I feel a bit guilty reading this as I feel I've had a lot of help though I never asked for anything.

My DM and DSF paid off my loan I took out for my Masters degree and paid my fees. They also paid me a monthly amount when I was an undergraduate as did my DF and DSM. I worked every holiday and during my Masters but the money helped enormously especially as it took me a while to find a fulltime job after completing it. I think I'd have gone into serious debt if they hadn't offered to help.

They have also said they will give me and my DP a deposit to buy a house so we can stop renting. They have said to me that they were lucky in being born and buying houses at the right time and they think it's the right thing to do to share this luck across another generation so to speak. They are both very comfortable; I would not accept help if that were not the case.

My PIL bought us loads of stuff when we first moved in together; kitchen stuff, towels etc. Plus they always insist on paying for meals/alcohol etc when we see them (we're only just getting to the point where they'll let us pay now). We don't see them that often so I guess they just want to do something nice when we see them which is sweet. They are also very generous in buying gifts and so on.

My DM and DSF also lent me some money when I was just out of uni and the bank shrank my overdraft to help me get out of it. I repaid them for that but they knocked bits off instead of giving me Christmas/Birthday presents so I didn't exactly repay the full amount which was very kind of them. My DSM and DF gave me money for train fairs to visit when I was a student and also bought lots of things we needed for our flat as gifts (microwave, kettle etc.).

I have always had jobs since about 14/15 and both sets of parents/step-parents encouraged me to be independent though. They made it clear they didn't really want me moving back home after uni (nor did I want to) but they helped me to start out and get on my feet which I'm grateful for.

Forgot to add, as we don't plan on getting married or having kids we obviously won't require any wedding or childcare help! And I plan on helping as much as I can when they get older if it's needed.

No regular help - as an adult, I'd feel ashamed if I needed regular support from my parents unless something unexpected had happened (redundancy, illness etc).

My parents paid for my driving lessons at 17 (I didn't pass then and paid for more lessons myself in my 20s), topped up my grant while I was at university and I paid for everything else with student loans and a part-time job (in the days before tuition fees), and gave me extra money in my final year so I didn't need to work in the last term. Money was tight when we were growing up, so I didn't expect much support at university.

They gave me £1k towards my wedding (same for siblings), paid for half the pram for DD, and loaned (no repayment expected straight away) £1k towards our extension. Dad has since died and mum is in a care home, so there won't be much of an inheritance.

PIL supported DH in much the same way (driving lessons and grant top-up), and we lived with them for a few months after university while paying a low rent. They have slightly more money than my parents, but I know they were supporting GPIL for the last few years of GPIL life.

We've been on holiday with them where they gave paid for our accommodation, and they usually pay for meals out when we visit. They paid for the other half of the pram and pay for DD's swimming lessons. They loaned us money for the extension (again, we don't have to pay it back straight away), and helped practically with DIY when they visit. The loan was only possible due to a small inheritance they had received. They're not close enough for help with childcare, but help out DH's siblings with childcare as they live nearby (siblings then help out with practical stuff like jobs round the house and will probably do more as PIL get older).

Most people I know (age 30s & 40s) have had help with house deposits, but don't have other financial help. Quite a few people have family nearby to do childcare - I know one friend has no childcare costs thanks to her mum and MIL!

I'm surprised at how many people get a lot of financial help from their parents. I suppose it's something you might not admit to in real life.