Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

I don't get regular money chucked in my bank account, but my parents help me more than they should. But I do refuse money , tell my parents I need to cut my cloth accordingly etc.

I am very much the poor relation in our family - my bro and sil are high flyers live in a million pound house etc. I'm a single parent and have always been, get benefits etc etc parents are baby boomers and have also invested their inheritances wisely.

Recently had a family holiday paid by parents - but they paid for everything including for my brother and co. That was out first family holiday in 25 years though!

Parents always pay if we go out for dinner or something - they refuse to let me pay my share nevermind all of it.

I get lots of babysitting/ help with taxi duties for the eldest.

have just managed to convince my mother not to buy a new car that was going to be a spare "family" car, as they don't need it and what she was actually doing was disguising the fact she was basically gonna buy me a new car that fits my sons lifestyle and would make life easier for me! Being my mother this wouldn't have been 2nd hand - oh no a brand new £40k type thing! My mind boggles sometimes! She was gonna get it with some of her inheritance from her mum. But I did a lot for my nan, youngest grandchild, cared for her, took her to numerous hospital appointments, had her for the day at my house every few weeks. And this was mums way of recognising that I think.

I also do owe them money - they lent me money to furnish/carpet my ha house. I lost a lot of stuff/money when I split from my fiancé, I pay this back interest free as and when I have funds. They know all my spare cash is mostly spent on their grand kids so they aren't in too much of a rush.

On the other hand though, I am the child they rely on for help. I do a lot for my parents - if I was a "high flyer" I wouldn't be able to do what I do. I did a lot of caring for my late grandmothers, I emotionally support them, and as they get older I will be the one that does a lot of the practical support. My brother due to his location won't do any of this. So kt all evens out I guess.

Rent at university. I didn't get a grant. I worked 30 hour weeks and got tiny loans for living costs like textbooks and beer

Always money on birthday and Christmas. £100.

Occasional chunks of cash, every few years or so. Amounts around £5k. I suspect it's a plan to offload inheritance. I keep a record anyway.

Wedding gift.

New home gift (the first time we had to buy stuff like beds!).

They pay to take us on holiday every couple of years. Although we return that gift in turn, so probably cancels out.

My husband has, to my knowledge, received not a single penny from his parents since the occasional shopping trip when he was at uni. I suspect he thinks I'm spoiled. Doesn't stop him coming on the holidays and sleeping in the bed though

I haven't RTFT but my parents help us out a lot. I'm really embarrassed to admit how much. Think £50k on house deposits, £20k on our wedding, £5k on a car, odd cheques for ££££ to help out our savings. Plus my mum provides after school care for the children twice a week. I've never asked for a penny. It's all been pressed on us for which I'm extremely grateful and yet feel extremely guilty about it. That said, my parents can afford to do it. They live a very comfortable lifestyle and I am an only child so there's no sibling unfairness. My grandparents used to do the same for my mum.

Not much. I reckon I'm on other extreme... my Mum would give me every penny she had if she could, but she doesn't have any pennies to give.

I got to live at home until I was 22 for which I paid rent of half my salary (so £200 when I started work at 17 and £700 by the time I left home.)

I paid all my own personal expenses for school and college (books, uniform, bus fares) from when I got my first Saturday job at 14.

Now I subsidise my Mum's rent, buy her occasional shopping, I always pay when we go out. She does the occasional day of childcareteacher training days usuallyand she does our cleaning (which we pay for.)

My Dad is dead. When he wasn't he used to steal money from me.

Should also add that my wealthy in-laws have never given us a penny, but that's ok. That's there prerogative.

None whatsoever. And am no contact with my toxic parents. I have been self sufficient since 18 and try to be careful with money because I don't have that fallback.

I have an ex friend though who knows that I am no contact and why. She is totally bank rolled by her father. I am talking about having half her house paid for before she moved in to give her a tiny mortgage. Paid for decorating it. Paid for her car and subsequent repairs. Regular bank transfers when she is short on money. Yet she goes on about how independent she is because she is single. And once told me that I am "money orientated" because I save and worry about being made redundant where she doesn't care about money at all (probably because her father would pick up the strain if she were) I am feeling cross just thinking about her lol

Parents contributed to wedding in that they bought my dress for me. MiL paid for the meal.

Other than that, no regular help as such. They often buy us lunch, small gifts for DC plus xmas and birthday gifts for us.

They would help in an emergency but my parents are pretty skint.

Started working part time at 14 yrs old and other than birthdays/Christmas haven't had a penny since. I also had to purchase any new clothes/shoes/toiletries etc from when I started earning at 14. At 16 I also had to start paying 'rent' and buying my own food. I also wasn't allowed to use the tumble drier or heating because it cost too much!

I do resent the fact my mum was so tight-fisted when I was younger but only because she was a gambling addict and I remember one day her blowing a grand in fruit machines - at the same time I was struggling to afford everything (about aged 15yrs). It really stung at the time. On the other hand it did teach me to rely on no one and the value of money so it wasn't all bad.

I don't thrive, I survive. That said I have decentish start for a deposit on a mortgage. I've written on here numerous times about ways in which I save money, not to everyones taste but I enjoy the peace of mind of being self reliant and knowing if there was an emergency I can get it sorted straight away (ie anything breaks down, if my son was in hospital for any reason I could afford transport to see him/hotels etc). I haven't had my hair cut in a hairdressers since before my son was born (he's almost 7), I never pay for any beauty treatments (nails, waxing, eyebrows etc), I never really go on holiday, I don't go out drinking (though thats not because of money but personal choice), I buy lots of bargains in supermarkets when things are reduced and then freeze stuff and most of my clothes cost £1.99 in my local charity shop... it's all worth it to me.

My parents are well off, and incredibly, incredibly generous. Help I've had includes paying for me completely through uni (gave me £300 a month for food/spends too so I didn't have to get a job), gave me my mums car when she got a new one and I'd just passed my test, loaned us £15k when we did building work so we could remortgage at a better time for us financially (that was repaid in full with interest), my mum split the inheritance she was left from her mum between me and my sister, they pay into savings for the grandchildren every month to the tune of about £100 per month, per GC. My dad ALWAYS picks up the bill when we go out for dinner - to the point where it's uncomfortable and turns into a tussle over the bill when we want to pay. They want to take us all on holiday next year, and have done similar in the past.

I don't work, but they have the children regularly - maybe twice a month. Very, very generous with gifts for all of us.

However, I would not be comfortable with taking money from them to survive on a regular basis. Which is utterly ridiculous having read through the above! I know how fortunate we are...and we are very generous with them too.

MIL - less generous day to day, but we are still so very fortunate. She has the DC if I need, buys them little gifts, and gifted us £10k towards building work so we could get windows done at the same time instead of having to save up again and go through the mess and disruption. I think she may help single SIL out a bit more, but obviously that's nothing to do with us, and we aren't at all put out by that.

We know, we are incredibly lucky.

My in-laws especially have a lot of money and believe we might as well have it when it's useful, i.e. when we have young children.

They would have paid for the wedding but we eloped.

We got around £50 000 (between both sets of parents) for our first house.

We get £1000 each birthday & Christmas with £100 for Ds from the inlaws.

We're going on holiday with PiL and Dsil and her children next month, they are paying for travel/accommodation and given we will be eating together at night, the main meal.

They would buy us nappies on every Costco trip when Ds was small. They constantly buy Ds stuff, clothes, toys and if we go away on our own give him "icecream" money which can vary between £10 - £200 depending on how long we're away for. This includes trips they are on with us.

My DM is also a bit fan of "icecream" money for holidays.

When I broke the pushchair off-roading, MiL gave DH the money for a new one.

My parents buy things all the time too, clothes for me and Ds. Toys and books (for me and ds) too.

Neither set do childcare which is a good thing since they both bounce between treating ds like a newborn or a teenager (he's 2).

I had no help at University and paid my own way by working on the checkout at a supermarket with a few other sidelines which might have involved a bikini and pole.

Absolutely they make choices I'm not particularly happy with (voting for Brexit being one) but they are our parents. I want them to be a part of Ds's (and any siblings) life.

The money doesn't come with any strings other than spending time with them which we would do regardless.

I would say not much compared to most. I am sometimes shocked by the amount of money parents throw at their adult children!

My mum has DC one afternoon a week and my dad has babysat for an hour while I've had errands to run a couple of times. Mum babysat a few times too.

DH parents live away and aren't great financially (or are very secretive if they are!)

Financial help is minimal. My mum offers me money when she babysits so OH and I can have a meal, but I decline it. She does enough for me. She also puts money in to savings account for DC. I would say she has been most helpful, but this has been more evident when DC came along. Before then I was left to my own devices! She once paid for me to have a holiday with her, but she wanted the company and I would never have been able to afford it.

Neither of my parents earn much really and both face a difficult retirement. I think the expectation was (certainly by my father) that we would be able to help him out in old age, however as they were unable to help us out with education, housing, learning to drive - the typical things most parents at least aim to do - we aren't in a position to help them much in old age. It really upsets me that we are all collectively in this situation, and that I can't care for my parents (to the point it stresses me out thinking what I'll do when they do need care). Most people who do well and are financially stable have a good amount of emotional and financial support behind them. Sure, some people start from nothing, but most need a leg up.

So as it turns out, it's looking like I will be too busy working to keep my (rented) roof over my head to care for them in old age. I don't blame them though, the housing situation in this country is ridiculous, and I doubt they saw that coming when I was a mere twinkle in their eyes!

Despite this, I do feel really lucky to have both parents around. I'm sure they would certainly help out more if they could. It has taught me that if I do get in sh't, I have only myself to get myself out of it. This means I can cook economically, I walk everywhere and I shop smart. I enjoy nature going camping and truly relax, instead of spending thousands on a holiday. I guess the give a man a fish/rod saying applies here.

I would say enjoy your parents generosity if they enjoy giving it. It won't be around forever though, so make sure they know it's appreciated.

I've had very generous help. I was offered the choice between help with a house or a wedding when I needed it. I chose the house but they still gave a very generous wedding present. They have also put me through university, helped with a first car and have given the occasional lump sums of money, especially now they are getting older and have more spare. They've also paid more than their fair share for joint holidays, Dp's parents have been exactly the same so we are very lucky and appreciate what they have done for us. We hope to be able to do the same for our children.
They've all also been very willing babysitters although I would never have asked them to do regular childcare and I don't think they would have actually wanted to.

In short they have always done their best for us, we know that we can rely on them if we are ever in a position to really need them - but hopefully they realise we are there for them too.

I got my 1st Saturday job at 14.
Paid for the petrol £ when my Dad drove me to sit my O levels.
Paid rent aged 16. (brother didn't aged 25...) 18 when I left.

Nothing since then. Not a penny. Not a single hour babysitting etc.

Stand on your own 2 feet, OP!

My mother left me the final time when I was 15. At 16 my stepdad wanted me out so I dropped out of school and moved in with my boyfriend as other end of country. I then worked and had babies.
Since that day I have not had a penny from either parents or even a birthday card or present. In fact when my mother died I had to pay for the funeral.
My children will be living at home until they are ready to leave. Once they have their own full time jobs they wont get financial support from us anymore. I will always make sure they have food and we are planning on furnishing their homes as and when they move out.

I think parents should have a responsibility to feed and house their children until they are adults and able to support themselves. Beyond that I don't think parents should be responsible for their adult children. It's of course great if parents can help but children should not expect it.

None. But my dsis and db get loads of money off them.

Sometimes I feel pissed off then I remember I am lucky to be able to support myself.

My mum has given me lump sums when I've moved houses at various times but I'm now an only child so it's effectively an advance on my inheritance (IYSWIM). When I still had a sibling I only had money as a loan & had to pay them rent when I was still living with them.

We give both our mums money every month so they no longer have to work. Both over 60 and were working part time jobs that they didn't really enjoy and were both suffering health wise. (One knees, one ankles for being on their feet all day).

As a result my mum will provide childcare when we need - not that often but handy as DH's work schedule is very rigid and he isn't able to book holiday time off

My Mum and Step father did provide some financial help when the DDs were little - for example they bought us a cooker when ours broke. They also bought generous presents for them for Xmas etc and clothes etc. My Mum also travelled at her own expense to help us out one day a week from Sheffield to London for a few months. This stopped to some extent when DD2 was 3 and I was able to work full time with quite a high income.

Unfortunately this help did come with a cost. They felt they could rule every aspect of our lives and in particular criticise every parenting and household decision we made. In the end this deteriorated into becoming more and more abusive and we were no contact for 5 years.

We had no help financial or practical from my PIL although they do live in Ireland. They did promise to leave us their house (as their other kids had been given assets or cash) but later took out an equity release plan - so nothing. When they did visit us they thought nothing of spending £100 plus on lunch (for them not us!) but didn't even offer a penny towards the expenses we incurred.

Interestingly they are quite controlling of DH - for example they have cried wolf a number of times that one of them is on their death bed, so he drops everything to go over there.

My parents are not, and never have been, wealthy. I left school at 18, got a full time job and paid keep. I saved money up and paid for evening university courses.

The best help I had was moral support and love. And financial advice. A 10k bunk up would have been fantastic but was never an option .

So no financial help and no help with the DC.

Same for DH, his parents were very hard up. He runs a successful business now, built up through his own hard, physical graft. Everything he has he has literally sweated and taken a physical toll for.

Our financially uncertain up bringing have made us both very cautious, and we save what we can for our DC.

I occasionally get some 'no strings attached' money from my grandparents which is lovely. My parents tend to buy things we'd like but can't afford like expensive plates and cutlery (that we've chosen) to replace our supermarket stuff or the odd £50 here and there.
My DHs parents gave us the deposit for our house after they got an inheritance and buy a lot of things for us, but not necessarily things we want and always in their taste, not ours. They also give us larger amounts of money but usually with strings attached - so we can only use it to do some work on the house but we have to use the tradesman that they choose and they want input on the design etc.
We could get by without their help as my DH is an excellent saver but it makes them happy to help us and when I'm older I'll be helping my daughter out but I'll do it with no strings attached.

My DM paid for new glasses just after I moved out and started working but they were considered a birthday present. I was very grateful as I have a complex precription so they are quite expensive.

DF has not directly given us money, but has helped us out with renovating our house, and refused offers from us to pay back for any sundry items he bought that were needed during the work. They must have added up to quite a bit over time. He has also given significant amounts of time, which you cannot put a cost on.

However the flip side is we support my MIL as she is disabled and lives with us. I also imagine if either of my parents (divorced) need care in the future it will be me and not my siblings that step up.

In fact we had a conversation about this because MIL is in a nursing home and self funding is potentially on the cards.

She'd like her grandkids to have something to help them out. Me and DH have pointed out they may just have to make their way like we all have had to! She will be very upset though as she is the first generation to have something to pass on.

My parents would help us out if they could but they don't have large amounts of spare cash lying around. DPILs, OTOH, seem to have more money than they know what to do with! They often say that we'll inherit it eventually so might as well have it now when it can be useful. It's nice to know they're there if we need them, but we don't like going cap-in-hand so only mention things if it's something major that we'd really struggle to pay ourselves.

Absolutely nothing from either side. No money or babysitting and I would never expect to receive anything either.

Both my sister and BIL get loads of help both in money and favours.

I find it amazing that fully grown adults like my sister think its ok to continue to receive money from parents once they're adults and left home.

I dont offer money to my eldests either. They have their own lives and jobs and they need to learn to cope themselves independently. Thats part of growing up and becoming independent adults.

Nothing.

I bought most of my own food and all of my own clothes from 14 with babysitting pay.

I bought all of the food, gas & electricity for the house from 16-18. By then I had three jobs, hairdressing apprentice 37hrs a week; hairdressing clients in their home 2 nights a week; and babysitting for three families over each weekend.

I was thrown out at 18 and supported myself from then on. Nothing at all from either of my parents or dh's. Not an hour of childcare either.

Tbh, the greatest benefit would come from some emotional support from one of them, but there's never been an ounce of that either.