to think colleague was being U?

[yaela123]

I wouldn't be surprised if someone else has already posted about this :)

A colleague who is on maternity leave (let's call her Ann) brought in her (gorgeous) 4 week old daughter today, as is fairly normal for our workplace (I took in my DD at 2.5 weeks, and my twins at 5 weeks).

Obviously there was lots of cooing, passing her around, cake and tea etc and it was very nice, except for one colleague (let's call her Beth) who made a point of being in a huff the entire time.

Beth is having fertility issues and is soon to have a second round of IVF. She has also had 2 miscarriages. Some of us - including me and Ann - know this but not everyone. I really feel for her and understand it's really tough, especially after having a miscarriage myself.

So after about half an hour another colleague (Shall we say Carol?) asked her why she was in such a bad mood and Beth started on a massive rant about how cruel and unfair it was of Ann to bring her DD in and show her off when she knew about the fertility problems, etc etc. She was shouting right in Ann's face and everything! Ann was in tears and we were almost too stunned to talk.

Eventually Cath took Beth outside and calmed her down, whilst we comforted Ann, who left after half an hour.

Whilst I understand that Beth must be having a really stressful time atm, I think her outburst was VU. Ann has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and this may have a bad effect on her, especially as it's her first.

So who do you think is BU? And how should I approach Beth tomorrow?

It's far from nice but to behave like that she must be in a very dark place, I'd offer a cuddle and tea

I feel sorry for Ann at the way Beth treated her. Whilst I can appreciate it must be awful going through fertility issues, being huffy and then having a meltdown, shouting in her face at what was meant to be a lovely morning/afternoon, introducing everyone to baby..is bang out of order and completely unreasonable. All Beth needed to do when she started to feel upset, was quietly remove herself from the situation until Ann had left. As someone up thread mentioned, if I was the manager there witnessing that, I would be having a meeting with Beth to find out if she is fit for work and also disciplinary action would be considered. When you're on maternity leave, you already feel "out of the loop" so to speak so now Ann will be sitting at home feeling terrible and wondering what she has done to deserve all that flack.

BTW It is very normal in all the places I have worked to bring baby in!

Decaf
I didn't know about the MC till later, and it transpired the day she found out she was pregnant was the day she also miscarried. I can imagine that was a roller coaster of emotions! We had been invited round to.....so it was all a bit odd in hindsight....

I guess it's down to how you deal with it as a person. A neighbour of mine a few years ago had a good 10 years of infertility issues before going down the adoption route, in that time she loved being around newborns, and would often help friends and neighbours with childcare....

I guess it's about drawing the line and being aware of your own limitations in situations that are uncomfortable. Years ago after toddler group, a lady came round for coffee and my Dm phoned on the landline. I don't remember the conversation (i get on well with mum) but when I put the phone down I was obviously exasperated by something she said to me and complained to my friend, who went MENTAL. We never spoke again. Apparently I was a bitch for moaning, when her own mother had died when she was a child........I didn't know that till then!!!!!

We all have the capacity to piss each other off, but sometimes grief makes people unreasonable. If you start blowing up at people over your own issues, its not OK.

Beth was unreasonable, you can't expect to be protected from seeing every newborn & Ann had probably dreamed of the day when she got to bring her little one in to work - no reason why that should be spoilt for her.

Exactly sal. Grief definitely makes people U. I burst into tears at my NCT group once because my mum had died unexpectedly a few months earlier and people were complaining about how annoying it was that their mums wanted to be so involved. Then the NCT leader started going on about mums and how you're always going to be their little girl, they just want to look after you etc etc. Hormones got the better of me and I cried. I didn't shout at anyone though as it 100% wasn't their fault. I just left the room.

I'm genuinely boggled at all the people saying Beth should have left her own workplace so that her colleagues can have lovely baby tea without her.

How about the boss being sensitive enough to see she was upset or even say to her in advance that Ann was coming to bring her baby in and would she like to be there.

She probably lost it because it went on and on and on. That's a cruel thing to do and crueller to claim she was "making a point of being in a huff". OP, do you genuinely think Beth wasn't in immense distress?

I don't think Beth did the right thing but I'd be supporting both her and Ann. Beth must be in a very dark place. Ann is ecstatic of course, and doesn't deserve to feel bad
Tricky situation but Beth needs a friend

And actually my mum wanting to be really involved at the birth etc would have pissed me off too! Much as I adored her.

Oh sorry and yes sal, I realised you didn't know about the mc before hand. It does sound strange behaviour all round from your sil, but yes, grief makes people act strangely sometimes.

I think Beth was being a bit silly but she probably knows that and is embarrassed.

At my work (of about 500 people, bug office) bringing in a new baby is the absolute norm. It's a big place so most people tend to pop into different departments for a few minutes rather than stay in one place with the baby.

My boss was in the middle of her second round of IVF when I brought my new baby in. Her first had failed and she was obviously devastated. I popped my head in with the baby to say hello but knew it might be hard for her to see him so didn't linger. It would have been seen as rude or odd for me not to have spoken to her at all. She said something along the lines of 'oh isn't he lovely! I won't ask for a cuddle because I've got a cold', which was an easy get out for her in case I asked if she wanted a hold (I wouldn't have) and enabled me to get out of her way without awkwardness. She handled the situation well I think.

There are sensitive ways to manage these things from both sides I think. Nobody has really done anything 'wrong', it was just handled badly.

I think this is just one of those situations where there isn't a right or a wrong answer. Just bad timing on everyone's part. I think if Beth was that bothered then she just needed to avoid the staffroom when it became apparent there was a newborn baby in there. I also had fertility issues and my problem wasn't seeing babies, I loved newborn babies but pregnant women. It was almost as if they were waving my infertility in my face. They obviously were not but I avoided lots of friends when they were pg. Some stuck with me others didn't but it was always my irrational issue, not theirs.

I have had 5 miscarriages and I have also been lucky to have 2 children.
I brought my children to work when they were 6 to 8 weeks old.
But I was very careful to stay in the breakout areas and only go to the desks of an area where I was invited to go.

I hated, hated hated people bringing the children to where you were trying to work when going through my miscarriages and ended many times in tears in the toilets or in the stairwells.

I understand Beth in this, but I think the issue was:

A) A stayed for too long... half an hour is enough for a small baby as well, especially being passed around
B) Beth could have left the room in private - but why should she? she is in her workplace
c) Carol should have put her oar in and should have stayed quiet.

I get you Decaf, my Dad died when I was little. I don't drive and people have always asked me 'Didn't your dad pay for lessons and get you a car?'....Um. No. I grew up in a widowed household. It doesn't upset me though. We all have different experiences, life stories. I certainly wouldn't randomly make someone feel shit. If I did, I would take myself of to the docs declaring I wasn't that ok with life and coping!

I doubt Beth 'made a point' of being in a huff. Regardless of how she did or didn't behave, it's not a situation she should be forced to confront at her workplace.

Person at fault here is Carol. Mind your own fucking business love!

I have have read of some truly hurtful behaviour reported by people on MN and attributed to the perpetrator's infertility.

It's not get-out card for being horrible. Some people manage to be kind and pleasant while suffering terrrible things. I know of people with terminal cancer who can show sympathy for those suffering with flu. I know of people who have lost a child who can show concern for their friend's child of a similar age, who would have been in the same class, and has a non-life-threatening illness.

It's called grace.

True sal. If I found myself shouting in a friend or colleague's face I'd probably be a bit worried about myself.

I have have read of some truly hurtful behaviour reported by people on MN and attributed to the perpetrator's infertility.

It's not get-out card for being horrible.

I came on to post something insightful and then realised @Abra1d had beaten me to it.

So, as someone who has had enough infertility treatment to fill all the usual bingo points, I'm going to leave this here again and move on.

@yaela123 i'd say nothing to Beth, as I think she's probably mortified today. I might however, have a word with Carol/cath () and remind her that sometimes, discretion is the better part of valour!

Beth was clearly struggling but managing to keep it together until Carol confronted her. She is the one who caused the drama and upset. Beth was trying to avoid it, even though she was upset.

Carol was unreasonable - surely she could guess why Beth was upset rather than bring it up, what did she expect Beth to say? Of course it's going to be difficult for beth. As you say there's been lots of baby visits in recent months maybe this is why she reacted as she did - she'd had enough, she couldn't hold it any lomger. And to pp, why should beth have to leave her workplace, her work, because a baby is tgere and thars upsetting her? Her infertitility is not an inconvienience. The poor woman had likely had a guts full recently rather than being 'a bully'

It's vile bullying behaviour and totally inappropriate for the workplace

Oh for god's sake - it's not bullying to lose your rag as a one-off in exceptional circumstances. Yes, Beth behaved unreasonably but I am sure she is humiliated enough. A quiet word from her manager is far more appropriate than a disciplinary.

Beth had the option of being elsewhere.... it was a staff room.... so she could just leave, instead she's shouting in someone's face?

Babies are everywhere and should not be removed from the vicinity of every woman who can't have kids!!

Ridiculous

There will be loads of babies at the school gates twice a day! Does she not see these too?

Beth) who made a point of being in a huff the entire time

Did she make a point of being in a huff or was she trying and failing to conceal how difficult she was finding being confronted by a newborn?

Carol?) asked her why she was in such a bad mood

Really? Carol had no idea why someone who is embarking on a second round of ivf might appear to be moody when confronted by a newborn? Carol was hugely insensitive. Beth overreacted but only after she was challenged for not gushing about her colleague being fortunate enough to have a baby.

Beth may view the failure of her first round of ivf as the loss of a baby. It's not an abstract medical procedure embryos were created and lost. Ivf is emotionally and physically traumatic, Beth is both recovering from one round and preparing for another. Lastly, as ivf only has around a maximum 30% chance of success, unless Beth has limitless finances there is a very real possibility that she will never be able to bring her own baby into work for all her colleagues to fuss over.

Beth was not unreasonable to feel so distraught but she will have to learn how to conceal her feelings better. Carol should have asked Beth if he was okay and helped her when it was obvious that she wasn't coping.

I was bullied at school. Always by the kid having 'problems at home' so teachers refused to do anything about it and I was told I must be sympathetic (and come into school every day and put up with it). As such, I don't buy into any of the 'oh, she's going through a rough time, be nice to the poor lady screaming in someone's face'. Bullshit. There is no excuse whatsoever for treating someone like that. Ann must be dreading coming back to work after that. Beth should apologise to her.

Poor Beth.

Still, now there's a public Mumsnet thread full of people slating her, so you can feel a bit better now OP.

Beth has had to endure countless baby visits and no doubt front seat row to the corresponding pregnancies for years it seems.

I'm with Beth. Who knows what's been going on with her lately.