to think colleague was being U?

[yaela123]

I wouldn't be surprised if someone else has already posted about this :)

A colleague who is on maternity leave (let's call her Ann) brought in her (gorgeous) 4 week old daughter today, as is fairly normal for our workplace (I took in my DD at 2.5 weeks, and my twins at 5 weeks).

Obviously there was lots of cooing, passing her around, cake and tea etc and it was very nice, except for one colleague (let's call her Beth) who made a point of being in a huff the entire time.

Beth is having fertility issues and is soon to have a second round of IVF. She has also had 2 miscarriages. Some of us - including me and Ann - know this but not everyone. I really feel for her and understand it's really tough, especially after having a miscarriage myself.

So after about half an hour another colleague (Shall we say Carol?) asked her why she was in such a bad mood and Beth started on a massive rant about how cruel and unfair it was of Ann to bring her DD in and show her off when she knew about the fertility problems, etc etc. She was shouting right in Ann's face and everything! Ann was in tears and we were almost too stunned to talk.

Eventually Cath took Beth outside and calmed her down, whilst we comforted Ann, who left after half an hour.

Whilst I understand that Beth must be having a really stressful time atm, I think her outburst was VU. Ann has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and this may have a bad effect on her, especially as it's her first.

So who do you think is BU? And how should I approach Beth tomorrow?

Boney Maybe I described it wrong but Carol didn't ask Bath in a mean way, more like "What's up Beth? Are you okay?"

Whoops Cath

Beth was BU but was probably hormonal.

I have an 8yo severely autistic, non-verbal son.It does hurt when my colleagues bring in their talkative toddlers, when they speak about toilet training, when they chat about after-school activities or boisterous parties ... But I either join in their excitement, or I absent myself from the conversation. I certainly wouldn't start having a go at them for insensitively boasting about their child's achievements.

I mean Carol and Cath are the same person!

Obviously not real names, I was just thinking A, B, C

100% sure if Beth has a baby she will bring it into the office to show everyone.

I wouldn;t mention it to Beth, as she must have be upset enough as it is...

I think Carol (or Cath...did you forget your aliases??) should have kept her big mouth shut and used a little commonsense as to why Beth might have been a bit off

Beth could have kept her scowling to a minimum and Ann could have been a little more understanding, but with C throwing her tuppenceworth in it all kicked off.

So no one is covered in glory here really.

When I was on I.v f drugs the extra hormones can make you go nuts, it's like p.m.t X 1000, never mind money stress and grief
Maybe next time the new mum should tell everyone they are in a nearby cafe and then its not in her face
Beth was not out of order, Ann was massively but I feel for her more

Beth could have kept her scowling to a minimum and Ann could have been a little more understanding, but with C throwing her tuppenceworth in it all kicked off

Yes, I think this is how I see it too

Ah right if that's the case then sorry Carol wasn't in the wrong.

I'd be a chicken and say nothing about it to Beth tomorrow if that's how she reacts when asked if she's ok. She'll probably be embarrassed and want to forget about it.

Correction:
Screaming if lady out of order but feel for her more

yaela123

But this is what caused the issue, Beth was doing her job/"making a point of being in a huff". Cath/Carol or whoever should have left her alone, not everyone wants to coo etc.

Where I do feel for Beth, she is very lucky not be on the receiving end of a disciplinary. Where I work it is unacceptable to hurl abuse at your colleagues and to shout "right in" people's faces. If it is common practice for people to bring their new born into work and Beth is not coping with that- perhaps she shouldn't be at work right now! What if it had been one of the pupil's parents who was showing off her newborn - would she have been able to control herself?

Having said all that - I don't really get the whole bringing a baby to work thing! Never did it with mine. Was delighted to not have to be at work - wouldn't have gone in voluntarily and any of my colleagues who wanted to see us came to visit us! But that's really an aside.

I am with tondeleya but I really feel for Beth having seen my SIL (after at least 3 miscarriages) fight to hold back tears holding my baby for the first time - on a visit she'd chosen to come on. Unless Beyh' has a propensity to fly off the handle and it is affecting work I think she gets a buy from further comment this one time.

And as for what to do tomorrow - unless you are her boss, do nothing except check if she needs a chat. But her boss might want to have a word about whether or not she is mentally well enough to do be doing her job properly and if she needs any help.

I think it's pretty sad tbh.

I hate the whole bringing babies into work thing anyway. It was standard at my office too, but I politely declined to bring in my DC1.

I don't really get it I suppose. I love babies, but work was usually so busy the poor parent had to stand there like a lemon while people shot past them saying "aw so cute", in passing. It was like a strange ritual . Anyway, I digress.

On balance, I think C was being U, but it depends how exactly Beth was behaving. Maybe C felt she needed to intervene. I don't know.

Alternatively, I think maybe the standard policy of bringing the babies into the office is the U thing here, though obviously some people find it... what? fun? Good? Supportive to the parent? Can't think what the purpose is, but I can imagine, if you're hormonal and having a tough time, it could be interpreted as gloating, (though I know that wasn't the intention).

I feel sorry for Beth, it must have been awful for her. Sounds like she tried her best and I'm sure she's pleased for Ann and wanted to show that but Carol's questioning was too much for her. Hardly surprising really, especially as Ann stayed so long. A bit insensitive on her part given she knew Beth's circumstances.

Personally, I wish people would leave their babies (and children!) at home. Apart from the work disruption it causes, it results in incidents like this. Totally unnecessary. Parade your babies around on your own time then people who don't want to be involved don't have to be.

Beth was unreasonable but I wonder if she has had very recent news which you have not been privy to, be it a miscarriage, unsuccessful ivf or even being told she will never carry a baby.

I am sure whatever has happened Beth will be feeling utterly wretched and mortified now so little can be done by her save an apology to Ann for the outburst.

But if you have been privy to some of the information in the past about B's ongoing issues, a kind enquiry as to whether she is ok and is there anything you can do (eg give her a heads up next time Ann is planning a visit, might help Beth.

It also might be that because Ann knows so much, rather than being a random colleague like the others, that Beth had hoped Ann might have been more mindful of Beth.

Whilst neither woman should be walking on eggshells found the other, fertility is such an emotive subject that I am surprised Ann didn't approach Beth to say she would be visiting and that she understood it might be difficult for Beth.

I think Beth probably knows she reacted badly , she does need to try harder to contain her emotions though. I do understand from both points of view - last year I lost my baby in a very late mc (post 20 weeks) and when I returned to work I was hearing birth announcements in meetings almost fortnightly - those people were due around my due date and to say it feels like someone has punched you hard in the stomach is an understatement. I even avoided the staff room just in case a colleague popped in with their baby.

Now I'm expecting again and in recent weeks a colleague suffered a mc. I felt guilty for being so thrilled that my baby is doing well so far while she is in so much pain.

Basically it's bloody hard but we all have to crack on together, hopefully without losing our shit at the mention of babies and pregnancies.

No excuse for shouting in someone's face, and Beth sounds a bit of a drama queen.

Though I must say I've felt very uncomfortable before when colleagues have brought their babies into work as I know of at least two other colleagues having fertility issues, one having just been told she'll never be able to carry a child to term. They both plastered a smile on, but I felt very awkward. I'm not a huge fan of people bringing their babies into the office for a variety of reasons including that one. I'd much rather arrange to see them out of the office.

Ridiculous suggestions that it was insensitive to bring a new baby in to work.

By extension, every one should STFU gassing about the lovely weekend/film/art gallery with their DH when mine is dead, and yes, I find it very painful but get my game face on because I can see past my own life.

And I'm at work.

This doesn't make me a hero but I can't be doing with the "hormonal" excuse which gets trotted out out on MN so often.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband echt .

oh I feel a lot of compassion for Beth. she was being unreasonable but it can be so horribly painful.
my SIL lost it at Christmas when our other SIL announced their pregnancy.
I've experienced infertility enough (2 years ttc) to know just how overwhelming and all consuming and painful it can feel.
sounds like she needs support and forgiveness

I think it's really tough for Beth but unfortunately life can be shit.
If you are going to be so affected by something like that you need to remove yourself from the situation. It's not usually the case that people visit the office with their babies out of the blue, it's a planned event, so she could have gone out.
The day I went back to work after my Mc I had to complete an H&S form for my two pregnant colleagues and listen to another coll

Beth behaved appallingly, and hopefully realises that. Given it happened in a staff room, there was absolutely no reason she had to be there. She chose to make a spectacle of herself with the huffing and puffing, then exploded when asked if she was ok. She was clearly spoiling to do so, otherwise she would have just excused herself when Ann came in. She stuck around to make a point.

I've dealt with infertility. I did IVF for so long I completely forgot what it ever felt like to have normal hormones. It's fucking atrocious, but it's not an excuse to flip out every time your exposed to a baby, and I really do wish people would stop justifying god-awful behaviour by infertile people. It's incredibly patronising to the vast majority who remain capable of dealing with everyday situations and maintaining relationships with all the many people in our lives who have children.

Eague tell me all about her first grandchild who had been born the day before.
Crap for.me but they didn't know so why make them feel guilty about something which was no ones fault?