to think colleague was being U?

[yaela123]

I wouldn't be surprised if someone else has already posted about this :)

A colleague who is on maternity leave (let's call her Ann) brought in her (gorgeous) 4 week old daughter today, as is fairly normal for our workplace (I took in my DD at 2.5 weeks, and my twins at 5 weeks).

Obviously there was lots of cooing, passing her around, cake and tea etc and it was very nice, except for one colleague (let's call her Beth) who made a point of being in a huff the entire time.

Beth is having fertility issues and is soon to have a second round of IVF. She has also had 2 miscarriages. Some of us - including me and Ann - know this but not everyone. I really feel for her and understand it's really tough, especially after having a miscarriage myself.

So after about half an hour another colleague (Shall we say Carol?) asked her why she was in such a bad mood and Beth started on a massive rant about how cruel and unfair it was of Ann to bring her DD in and show her off when she knew about the fertility problems, etc etc. She was shouting right in Ann's face and everything! Ann was in tears and we were almost too stunned to talk.

Eventually Cath took Beth outside and calmed her down, whilst we comforted Ann, who left after half an hour.

Whilst I understand that Beth must be having a really stressful time atm, I think her outburst was VU. Ann has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and this may have a bad effect on her, especially as it's her first.

So who do you think is BU? And how should I approach Beth tomorrow?

Carol or Cath or whoever should have kept her gob shut in public and you and Ann should really have been a bit more tactful. I really hate it when people bring their babies into work. It's not really appropriate for a workplace. Arrange to meet people in a cafe and then those of us that don't want to be involved don't have to pretend to be polite. Beth was probably feeling that she couldn't leave or she would be called rude. It's a really awkward situation and if she is having IVF it fucks up your hormones like PMT but far far worse.

Why should Beth have to avoid the staffroom, where else is she supposed to go if she is upset, it's not like she can go in a classroom and have the pupils see her upset.

I realise it's not appropriate for her to be shouting, but it sounds like she was very very upset, and it was handled very badly.

She is obviously in pain, so pleas be kind to her.

I'm sure Beth knows she behaved badly tbh. Shouting in someone's face, whatever the reason, is pretty poor and I bet she's embarrassed about it.

Sometimes things just get the better of people though when emotions are running high. And it's such a strange position to find yourself in; you're at work where you normally don't expect to see babies and then someone comes in with their newborn. Maybe I'm being too charitable, but maybe seeing the mum and baby sort in a work setting sort of caught her off guard, which is why she reacted like that.

Oh poor woman.
I only recently found out I have fertility issues but even before that it was pretty hard seeing people with new babies and if I were in her shoes I wouldn't know how I would react.
She may have had more bad news the day before, you don't know, or it could've just been a build up of emotions.

Beth should be given a disciplinary - there's no excuse for screaming in a colleague's face like that. Especially as she didn't do anything wrong. It makes it even worse that you work in a special needs nursery. It's hardly the place for yelling at other grown adults for very little reason.

If it's the norm to bring your baby to work, Beth should have anticipated this happening at some point and quietly taken herself away when Ann came in.

And I say this as someone who has had MCs, infertility problems + treatment and the viscous bouts of insanity and depression it brings with it.

No need for her to make Ann feel terrible and guilty because of her struggles with infertility.

Agree with Liara. Beth behaved abominably and if she can't keep herself in check, she shouldn't be in work. Ann was just doing what is customary in that office environment. What should have been a lovely experience has been spoiled.

Echt - I am so sorry. I was going to say something along similar lines. My DH has a serious health condition. I don't go nuts when my friends talk about all the things their DHs have been doing with their kids that mine can't. I'm an adult and keep myself under control. Infertility is heartbreaking but Beth was extremely cruel to spoil Ann's special moment.

We've had new mums bring in babies to work...the thing is it's not just passing round the baby and cooing, it's the chat about the labour, breastfeeding and are you going to have anymore children? And I did hear one of the mums say not yet so she'd better be careful because she only has to look at her husband and she falls pregnant, conversations like this can be just too much when someone is going through infertility...not excusing Beth's behaviour just giving a possible explanation, it could be the straw that broke the camels back maybe?

Think Beth was in wrong here, esp if is standard practice to bring babies in.

I've had fertility issues for years and when new babies were introduced & pregnancies announced I'd go off and have a weep to myself later in private but never would I let on to others how it made me feel, in fact for those with the babies I felt nothing but happiness. The world didn't stop because my reproductive system wasn't working right and that wasn't the fault of other women either. It's unfair to make women feel guilty because they can do something you can't.

I get quite annoyed when I hear stories like this because as adults we should have the social skills to bite our tongues and stop blaming or guilting other people for what we can't have.

Thankfully after 8 years I'm about to have a baby but I'd never in those 8 years of trying made anyone else aware or feel uncomfortable at my problem. It's too selfish.

As for babies at work? Meh, you don't have to show interest beyond a basic congratulations.

Beth should be given a disciplinary - there's no excuse for screaming in a colleague's face like that.

Come on.

Ok, it's the workplace culture to bring babies in. But it wasn't a professional context, was it? It wouldn't be fair to hold Beth to a higher standard than everyone else, and treating her as the only person who needs to be professional while everyone else is cooing over the baby, is doing just that.

I like it when people bring their babies into work.

Beth was in the wrong.

She's at work and there are certain standards of behaviour.
It would have been better to keep her huffing and puffing to herself. She chose to make it obvious she had a 'problem'.
She chose to shout at and make someone cry.
Is she normally attention seeking or unprofessional like this?

Beth was massively unreasonable and selfish.

I've been where she is. I know how if feels.

I know exactly how hard it is.

You slip out quietly. You don't steal someone else's joy.
Not ever.

Infertility is incredibly painful but it's not a get out of jail free card for dreadful behaviour.

I think Beth was understandably upset and nothing should happen to her.

I have 2 kids and no fertility issues but I hate it when colleagues bring babies into work. We are in huge open plan so it happens all the time and often there is a lot of screaming when I'm trying to work from babies whose mums I don't know. And I do think its unfair or disinteresting for many who are single / gay / can't have children.

Why should Beth have to avoid the staffroom, where else is she supposed to go if she is upset, it's not like she can go in a classroom and have the pupils see her upset.

This was after the kids had gone home and there were plenty of places for her to go.

I think I'll maybe just let Beth know that I'm happy to talk if she wants to.

I think my head of department will probably have a word with her too (he was there)

Thanks for all your replies

LRD There is a massive difference between polite chit chat/ squeeze of a baby and screaming verbal abuse at someone. Like I said - what if it had been a paren in the playground?

Mandy

I'm not excusing the shouting, which is bad behaviour by almost people's (won't say anyone's) standards. But didn't Beth say she thought Ann should've been more sensitive because she knew all about Beth's fertility problems though? Surely she wouldn't have reacted this way towards a parent in the playground. And I'm sure she was used to putting on her game face for parents. It's impossible to know without actually knowing the people in question, but if she and Ann were fairly close she maybe felt as if she didn't need to put on her game face.

*most people's

mandate - yes, there is a difference. But it wasn't a parent in the playground. And it was a situation that, TBH, shouldn't have been happening at work.

It's not that I think Beth did nothing wrong. But I think talking about disciplinary action is out of order, both because everyone else had forgotten they were at work, and because she obviously has a lot to struggle with.

She probably feels awful by now. I would hope and expect she'd apologise. I get that she did something awful. But it wasn't part of her working day and she shouldn't be treated as if it was.

That type of behaviour really pisses me off. Lot's of people have fertility issues, it is totally unfair to make new mothers feel miserable for giving birth. Babies are born all the time! When my youngest was born, we took him to visit family, my DsiL was SO rude to me, refused to hold him, didn't ask a single question about how he, or I was doing. She actually blanked me the entire time which made me very teary on the drive home as I had no idea what I had done wrong. Turned out she had miscarried a couple of weeks prior, thus her reaction to me. Whilst I sympathise (and she has gone on to have 2 Dc's), years later it still makes me cross that she transferred her bad feelings onto a hormonal new mother.
Upshot, the manager needs to speak to her regarding her outburst. Possibly she needs a mental heath check and to be signed of work for a while. Yelling at a new Mum out of jealousy is bad form, and a massive indicator she isn't coping with her own issues.

Sal

If you'd known about the MC though, do you not think you might have modified your behaviour at all? Not excusing Beth's behaviour, or indeed your SIL's, but Ann knew all about Beth's fertility issues and Beth, (probably not thinking straight), thought she shouldn't have brought in the baby. I'm not saying she's right, (except for the fact I don't like the whole bringing the baby into work thing anyway).

It's very sad when people have fertility issues but it doesn't mean other people should stop having babies and being proud of them. I had a friend who tried for years and years to have a baby and In the end adopted but she didn't leave the room every time someone else had a baby! How far would you take it? Walking out of restaurants? Refusing to go the park or shops in case there's a baby there?

I doubt it was a particularly well thought out plan on Beth's part tbh. I'm sure she feels like a dick now and doubt she plans to avoid babies forever.

Pure speculation here but I think she was maybe just a bit taken aback. Tbh I'm always a bit taken aback when people bring babies into work too! Not because I don't know it's the done thing by some people, it just somehow looks the wrong setting for a baby. My office was very corporate though, so probably quite different to the one in the op.

When I took my baby into work I was aware that a colleague in a different department was having problems conceiving and I didn't want to upset her so I kept it very low key, I just planned to pop into my department for 20 minutes as they'd asked me to bring the baby in, but when my colleague with fertility issues heard there was a baby in the building she raced up to my floor and didn't put the baby down for half an hour, she absolutely loved holding her and talking to her and it was lovely so I don't think we should automatically assume that seeing a baby would upset someone just because they can't conceive.

LRDtheFeministDragon - there was no excuse for screaming in the new mother's face, presumably in front of her baby.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have been upset or reacted but there is no excuse for that.

People tend to only scream and shout in the faces of those they think they can get away with screaming at. Doubt she would have done it if she'd thought Beth was the sort of person that would have screamed back or lamped her one. She didn't scream at the other two mothers who came in.

It's vile bullying behaviour and totally inappropriate for the workplace.

If her anger levels had reached that stage she should have taken herself out of the situation.

True stripy!

Nor should we assume that people who have no fertility issues do want to see a baby at work. I remember my pregnant colleague fleeing a baby at work once, as she was embarrassed that people would "make her hold the baby" and she'd be too much the centre of attention because she was pregnant! People have different attitudes to babies, especially in an office environment.