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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- ADHD child potentially excluded from trip

180 replies

theSnuffster · 12/06/2017 19:30

My 8 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. We have always seen an increase in negative behaviour at school when he is taught by a different teacher. Last week his usual class teacher was out of the classroom lots and the cover teachers reported rude, disrespectful behaviour and lots of backchat. This week his teacher will again be out of the classroom a lot. His class are going on a trip on Friday to an outdoor activity centre. Today his teacher told me that basically if he is rude and disrespectful to the cover teachers again this week he won't be allowed to go on the school trip (which we have already paid for.) He's made a reward chart where he can gain smiley faces. AIBU to think that this is a very harsh punishment for rudeness? And that he's setting him up to fail? Especially as it's something he struggles to control. It's really no different to punishing him for not being able to sit still for long/ for being loud/ for not concentrating or paying attention for long periods. It's all part of his ADHD (for which the school are currently offering no support because he's doing very well academically which they say means they don't have to actually 'do anything'.) Is this really much different to punishing a child with a physical disability for something they struggle to do? AIBU to ask that they don't continue with this reward chart? Just to add that I don't think they're trying to find a way to stop him from going on the trip- or at least it wouldn't make sense for that to be the case- there are no safety issues, he's not a danger to himself or others, wouldn't wander off. At worst he'll be over excited and loud.

OP posts:
Runny · 12/06/2017 20:44

OP no one on this thread has said that your DS hasn't got ADHD.

Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 20:44

From your last post you clearly don't think he is being rude at all. This is where I have to say YABU. He clearly has some control over it or he would do it to everyone and to strangers as much as to not-so-familiar cover teachers.

JJBum · 12/06/2017 20:45

YANBU.

On this thread, there is a horrendous lack of understanding of issues with lack of verbal impulse control in a child with ADHD for whom that is a characteristic. Most are also forgetting that children with ADHD are individuals so knowing one or even many people with ADHD doesn't mean you know them all!

I can understand the issue OP. A bright chiLd with ADHD will often learning coping machinists and strategies that help them manage the impulses they struggle with, they are best able to do this when they have a routine and rules they are familiar with. A change in teacher can mean a change in how rules are applied or managed, which can make it much harder for a child with ADHD to manage their behaviour. Their usual coping strategies may not work or they may be concentrating so hard on controlling certain things at certain times that, well, cracks appear.

It is wrong to punish a child for that. He should be supported. Any consequences should be immediate and not stored up.

Good luck finding a resolution with the school.

Jimmymum · 12/06/2017 20:45

I have read and I feel this is harsh on OP. ADHD can get grumpy and very rude when their medication wears off. I know why that is and understand. The child is protected in law and that is the part people are missing. It's not an excuse, these kids do struggle and need more support. Look up the cases brought before tribunals for ADHD and won and it's not a bit of rudeness much worse fact is these kids need support.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 12/06/2017 20:46

Can you go as a trip chaperone? If your DS is rude you can then take him out to sit for a while to calm down.

It may be that the teacher is concerned that they will have to spend time providing extra supervision for your child, so that other children miss out, or are not adequately watched. If you go too, this would be mitigated.

TisGlorious · 12/06/2017 20:46

If it were as easy as ^Stop this behaviour, it's unacceptable', we wouldn't need medication. Do people really think parents with children with ADHD don't do this? Do you think we just don't parent as well as you do?

Original poster
theSnuffster · 12/06/2017 20:46

Thank you to those who are trying to be understanding, I appreciate the support.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 12/06/2017 20:47

trifle, do you have any understanding of ADHD at all or are you just trying to prove that OP is wrong and her child knows right from wrong and should behave better

Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 20:48

TisGlorious

He isn't medicated, the OP says, because the doctors don't think the condition is pronounced enough for that.

Axissyrr · 12/06/2017 20:49

OP Do you feel the school takes his ADHD seriously enough?

Can you go as a trip chaperone?

This.

JJBum · 12/06/2017 20:49

Please excuse my typos/autocorrections!!

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2017 20:50

I've no idea why he's 'rude' to some people and not others. I'd love to know how his brain works.

Part of this is choice and lack of consistent consequences. It's exhausting but rudeness can't be let go. I'm not talking about calling out, tapping, distracted behaviour or that sort of thing but defiant disrespect for staff has to have immediate consequences.

In my school the staff who are disrespected most are those who don't follow the behaviour policy. We would send a dedicated member of staff to support a child with extra needs Iike your son on a trip. He shouldn't have to miss out.

Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 20:50

Squeegle

I understand the condition AND I think, in some respects, the OP is wrong. If her DS can't control his behaviour then he is a safety risk on the trip. I suspect he can, though, as rudeness isn't a core feature of ADHD. And I know that because I teach a number of very polite students with this condition. The advice is that they struggle with impulsive behaviour, not manners.

Squeegle · 12/06/2017 20:50

trifle, younhave proved you're just being awkward. Medication is not to be taken lightly; there are lots of downsides, it doesn't mean that just cos you don't take it you can completely control yourself!

MajorClanger123 · 12/06/2017 20:52

It sounds like he needs more support than he is currently getting from the school - if they genuinely can't 'cope' with him on the trip (for want of a better phrase), then he isn't being supported appropriately. He shouldn't be denied going on the trip, but likewise it'd be unfair on both him and his class members if he went on the trip without the appropriate support he requires.

Do you have a SENCO staff member you can discuss this with? Ours are hot on this sort of thing in order to allow all children to enjoy school trips.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2017 20:52

DD isn't medicated and her ADHD is moderately severe, whatever that means. Lack of medication doesn't indicate severity. FWIW medication should be considered AFTER environmental modifications, which the school appear to have none of in this case.

TisGlorious · 12/06/2017 20:52

OP, I understand. I am mid doing the, 'this behaviour is unacceptable' even as I type. I have been doing it for the last 11yrs. DS is a sweet lovely boy but impulse control is bad, and hence he can be rude and blurt things out. I have an older son who is completely different.
In the past I've had to go along on school trips, but without him knowing, just so school are confident he can be managed. It's not easy but don't give up. Can you offer to go all Along?

Him not going is the complete opposite of what they're trying to achieve. This might work for a neurotupical child, but not in this case. He will see it as being victimised and make him stand out even more. The trip is exactly what he needs to calm down and form a closer bond with his teachers and peers.

JJBum · 12/06/2017 20:52

*Purpledaisies

"Part of this is choice and lack of consistent consequences" *

Sigh! If it were that simple, ADHD wouldn't be an issue for anyone!

harderandharder2breathe · 12/06/2017 20:53

You said yourself he ignores instructions. If he does that on the trip it could potentially be dangerous. If he doesn't listen to safety instructions then he is a danger to himself and potentially others. At the very least, it's disruptive and unfair on all the other children who do listen to and follow the safety instructions, as the instructor will be focused on your child who isn't listening.

Squeegle · 12/06/2017 20:53

I am actually very cross trifle,as you can see. ADHD exhibits very differently in different people and actually rudeness and lack of inhibition can be very big for some people - so please don't judge that you know all because you teach a group; they are all different. And just because they can control themselves sometimes doesn't mean they always can. That's part of it.

Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 20:54

Squeegle

I am not being awkward. The OP said the doctor won't prescribe medication because the HCPs who have assessed him don't think his ADHD is serious enough for that. How is that me being awkward?

youarenotkiddingme · 12/06/2017 20:54

My ds has asd.

He also struggles with supply teachers and change.

He has no filter and poor emotional literacy -it's toddler level and he's 12.!

Both your ds and the teacher are being set up to fail. The school must have seen behaviours for him to get the diagnosis as they must complete a form and the behaviours must be seen in more than one setting.
So why aren't they addressing it and making reasonable adjustments for him?

I'd approach the teacher and ask for the reward chart to be attainable for him.
So his reward can be for walking outside to calm when he is about to say something he shouldn't as opposed to controlling impulsiveness that's part if his disability.

I also support ds school if he does something wrong but alongside that I make sure he isn't being asked to react like a 12yo when he's a toddler and that they respond in a developmentally appropriate fashion and apply consequences in the same manner.

Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 20:54

Squeegle

You keep being cross. This is an opinion site - I have mine, you have yours.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 12/06/2017 20:55

I think you are confusing the school's decision with your own.

He is not allowed to be rude to any adult.

exLtEveDallas · 12/06/2017 20:55

The children I know with ADHD do indeed get grumpy/snappy as the medication wears off, and get 'hangry' in the afternoons as the medication screws with their appetite, but OPs son is not medicated.

OP I really think the best idea so far is for you to offer to help on the trip. I understand if you are working that it may be hard to get a day off, but it sounds like it is important to you that your DS attends, so it might be something you would need to do.

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