AIBU- ADHD child potentially excluded from trip

[theSnuffster]

My 8 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. We have always seen an increase in negative behaviour at school when he is taught by a different teacher. Last week his usual class teacher was out of the classroom lots and the cover teachers reported rude, disrespectful behaviour and lots of backchat. This week his teacher will again be out of the classroom a lot. His class are going on a trip on Friday to an outdoor activity centre. Today his teacher told me that basically if he is rude and disrespectful to the cover teachers again this week he won't be allowed to go on the school trip (which we have already paid for.) He's made a reward chart where he can gain smiley faces. AIBU to think that this is a very harsh punishment for rudeness? And that he's setting him up to fail? Especially as it's something he struggles to control. It's really no different to punishing him for not being able to sit still for long/ for being loud/ for not concentrating or paying attention for long periods. It's all part of his ADHD (for which the school are currently offering no support because he's doing very well academically which they say means they don't have to actually 'do anything'.) Is this really much different to punishing a child with a physical disability for something they struggle to do? AIBU to ask that they don't continue with this reward chart? Just to add that I don't think they're trying to find a way to stop him from going on the trip- or at least it wouldn't make sense for that to be the case- there are no safety issues, he's not a danger to himself or others, wouldn't wander off. At worst he'll be over excited and loud.

This doesn't sound like ADHD. A child with ADHD will know when they are being rude and that 'dinner's ready' means dinner's ready, whether they want it to be or not. Has he also been assessed for an ASD?

Do you give him any consequences for being rude op?or any consequences for being rude at shool?

Although I do agree rudeness is not on. It all depends on how bad and what support the child has.

theSnuffster

But you said it's the change to his routines and the expectations that makes him react with rudeness. Well, all that sounds like it won't work so well on a trip where he has to take instruction from new people.

It's funny how kids will play up for cover teachers in afternoon session Maths but get it spot on in body boarding. Almost as if they can help it, in fact.

People with ADHD aren't automatically rude. Being rude isn't part of ADHD. I teach a number of students with ADHD and they are polite and hard working for me but not for other subject teachers. They (openly, because they even told me) decide which teachers they know they need to behave for and use their strategies and which they won't. E.g. Timmy clearly demonstrates ADHD features in my lesson but is lovely. Timmy in maths fussed and cites ADHD as the reason he can't work.

If he can't control his behaviour enough to not be rude, then he can't control his behaviour and is a risk on a trio off site.

If he can control his behaviour and use appropriate strategies on the trip, then he can use them in school.

Don't be that parent who argues that their child has control when it comes to fun things, but has no control and can't help their actions in class/to other students/ staff.

YABU. ADHD does not cause rudeness nor does it excuse rudeness. While your son will find it difficult when the routine is different, he cannot behave like this. There should be strategies in place for him to deal with this. There is too much cheek, even in primary schools, nowadays and it should never be deemed acceptable.

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Because some days are worse than others. If he hasn't slept well he can find it harder to control himself, same if he's hungry, if he's just had to sit and write for a long period he may then have an outburst. It's not as black and white as 'he can or he can't.'

If I'm tired I tend to get snappy, if I'm hungry I can be unreasonable. A child with ADHD is still human.

So he can control his impulses enough to not be rude to strangers? Then why can't he control them at other times? I'm confused. Most kids will be better behaved with unfamiliar adults they will also be less relaxed and less likely to speak up when asked questions etc. Same reason I'm never rude to people at work but I can be snippy with my DP often sometimes.

There seem to be a lot of people who are adamant that rudeness isn't a sign of ADHD. But it definitely is, it's the impulsivity that can't be controlled. It has to be nipped in the bud, but not by using cancellation of a trip as a punishment. Very unfair of school alike you say they're setting him up to fail- reasonable adjustments need to Be made.

That's a slightly different take on things, isn't it? If he is tired/hungry/bored and he is reacting with rudeness, encourage him to get more sleep and eat healthy snacks through the day. Don't excuse the rudeness. He will have to learn one day that the world isn't going to accommodate it.

I don't appreciate people telling me this isn't ADHD. It's been diagnosed by a professional thank you.

I also don't appreciate the assumptions being made here.

I still stand by what I said about having consequences, or appropriate, consistent punishments. Nothing like missing break, no desert, or something like that. For example, if they were doing something fun in class, such as art, creative stuff, something like that, and he is rude to someone, he is asked to stop doing the activity for 2-5 minutes? Something like that? Quick, short, and appropriate is the way you need to go here.

Or the pasta jar method? I've seen it mentioned on here before. He starts off with 5 pieces of pasta in his jar, every time he does something good e.g speaking kindly to someone, he can earn another piece of pasta. If he's rude to someone, a piece of pasta gets taken out. If he ends up with more than 5 pieces at the end of the day, he get's a small reward. If he does that for a week, a big reward. A few weeks, an even bigger reward. Praise everything good he does, and focus more on that. I'm not sure if that would work though, as PP have stated non NT children don't respond well to consequences, so you could structure it around his ADHD?

NOpe, this is fair.

I have a son with ADHD, he's not rude as a rule and when he is he gets punished. He's 14 and still not rude, even at the weekend (unmedicated)

We do encourage him to sleep! As there are so many experts on ADHD here I'm sure many of them will agree that struggling to settle to sleep is one of the features of ADHD. Or perhaps I'm making that up too?

Is he actually being rude or just blunt?

Also, I think it will be hard to have a discussion on here about ADHD. I honestly think that many people who don't have a child with ADHD can't understand. I have a child with ADHD. He is very bright but very impulsive. it is very hard OP, I understand. Parenting a child with ADHD is bloody hard and constantly full on, it has almost broken me at times.

The OP is working with her son on his behaviour but it's a work in progress. I work with lots of kids with ADHD and many find behaving appropriately difficult - talking when they shouldn't, not listening, not understanding what's funny and what's rude to other people etc etc.

I assume your DS is wary of being rude to strangers because he's not sure how they will react? Presumably he feels he can 'get away' with being rude to his teachers because he has learned there won't really be any consequences.

I shouldn't get annoyed but I do. When shy children fail to respond appropriately, it's all fine. There's a child in my daughter's class, no SEN as far as I know (and her Mum knows about DD's so I think she'd share) who will not respond to anyone when they talk to her. Fine with teachers, fine with other children, doe-eyed silence when anyone else talks to her. And complete lack of reaction. So I'll say, "be careful Veronica, you might bump into DD".

But if DD was running down the corridor, something she tries hard to control but finds difficult because of her ADHD, and bumps into Veronica, it's because she's 'naughty'.

There are about 6 children in DD's class who don't talk to people almost at all. Lack of appropriate response. But shyness is excusable and fine and ADHD is not.

Axissyr yes that sounds much more appropriate.

I get what you're saying snuffster; my DS also has ADHD. There are a lot of people here spouting what they think are the signs of ADHD without realising it can be highly variable and also impulsivity can cause a lot of rudeness without ill intent. And it's not as easy to stop as just saying "this behaviour is unacceptable". If only it were!

I am not suggesting you are a bad parent, OP. I do think, however, that you need to take a more realistic view of your son's behaviour and the extent to which he picks and chooses when to behave and with whom he will behave. You're not doing him any favours.

I've no idea why he's 'rude' to some people and not others. I'd love to know how his brain works.

Oh trifle please! Do you think parents with kids with ADHD don't suffer enough without you telling us we're not doing them any favours. I truly think some people have no idea.

I honestly don't think it's picking and choosing, I think that it's about having good days and bad days. And that some days he has the energy to hold it all in until he's home and other days he doesn't.