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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not a single reply to invites - should I cancel?

398 replies

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 13:10

I moved house recently into a lovely little road of 24 houses. It's a very well established area, and I thought it might be a nice idea to get to meet all the neighbours by inviting them to drinks and tea in the garden on 25th June

Thing is, it's a fortnight now since I put the invitations through the doors and I've not had even one reply (I've not upset them, honest ... I haven't been here long enough, even if I'd wanted to )

I absolutely get that folk are busy and that not everyone RSVP's these days, but since I've not had even one reply I'm wondering if I should just forget the whole thing - I really don't want to decorate the garden, make tea for a crowd and then be sitting here alone

Please can anyone advise the best thing to do?

OP posts:

NoLoveofMine · 12/06/2017 22:58

Turn away anyone who turns up on the day having not RSVP'd. "Your name's not down you're not coming in."

In seriousness I'm sure plenty of others will turn up but it'll be a great time whatever with your friends who are coming. This kind of thing has happened when new people have moved into our road and is a nice way of them getting involved in the community so hope the same will happen there.

Original poster

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 23:05

Sometimes this kind of event is like an open invite so not a formal RSVP and come at a specific time

You're right in principle, but this particular invite said 3 - 5pm above the "RSVP". I had in mind to serve tea at 4pm, so if anyone decided they loathed me on sight they'd only need to stay for roughly an hour, throw some tea down their necks and scarper

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 12/06/2017 23:19

Something like this would make me feel really awkward.

It isnt personal but I dont really want to be friends with my neighbours. Polite nod or a wave but no more I dont go into my neighbours' homes and dont want them in mine.

An invitation like this would mean that I had to openly declare my stand-offishness. I would worry that I would have to come up with an excuse to not come.

TheAntiBoop · 12/06/2017 23:25

I think an open event would be much better. People can pop in for 10 mins and have a cup of tea or stay longer if they decide you're not the devil incarnate or if they find Freda from no 9 is there who they are currently feuding with.

The thought of a fixed time is probably what is putting people off. An hour is a long time to stand in awkward silence/having someone telling you their life story in agonising detail whilst you're wracking your brain for an excuse to leave!!!

BigYellowJumper · 12/06/2017 23:32

I'm quite introverted and prefer not to socialise too much with people- it totally drains me. I like to be able to say hi to my neighbours but I'm not really interested in long chats or going to a party with them.

Not sure why some people think that is horrible. It's just how I am.

Blogwoman · 12/06/2017 23:37

I think cardinalcat has good advice here & sets you up for it to be ok whether people come or not. Glad to hear you will have some friends there. I think it's a nice gesture & while I can see not everyone would want to accept I also would expect all to RSVP. Will look forward to an update after & hope to hear that some nice people came.

Original poster

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 23:41

I don't think that's horrible at all, Jumper; we're all different and if it's not your scene then it's not. All I'd like, though, is for folk to at least let me know - it surely isn't that much to ask?

Boop I take your point about an "open" event and since the invites said 3 - 5pm, I could have everything ready from the start I guess, so if folk really wanted to they could stuff down a pastry straight away and run ... even though I couldn't do that myself as I'd feel really rude

What I'm not prepared to do, though, is spend an entire afternoon juggling food and drinks on the offchance someone might turn up any second - especially when nobody's chosen to even let me know

OP posts:

PigletJohn · 12/06/2017 23:52

I'm thinking set up a Barbie with plenty of hot coals... and fill your fridge with stuff that can go in the freezer if not used

irishe · 13/06/2017 00:17

We did something similar recently, only less organised, a lot less organised. 2 days before the weekend decided to have barbie, I have most mobile nos in the street (we had a street party last year where nos were exchanged), so sent out text invite, "all invited to spontaneous barbie, from 3pm, hope to see you there" 24 people turned up!

I didn't ask for a RSVP but a couple of people text on the day asking if I wanted anything brought, which was kind.
If the whole street had turned up there would have been fifty odd guests so I was kinda glad they didn't!

I think people will come but I am an optimist.
And I think it's a lovely idea but do understand that not everyone wants to socialise with neighbours. I rather like it!

Pigglesworth · 13/06/2017 00:18

Just to maximise the chance that some neighbours might come, if you think it would be appropriate, I would send another little note through their doors saying you're looking forward to meeting those who can make it, and restating the date/time. As you have now invited some friends you know it will be enjoyable/have people there regardless. I am also in the camp of preferring friendly but distant relationships with most neighbours but I think yours is a nice gesture and surely some people in your neighbourhood will like to attend. Good luck!

Nettletheelf · 13/06/2017 00:36

Christ! I've heard it all now.

People who wouldn't respond to, let alone accept, an invitation from somebody they didn't know.

People who think that by graciously deigning to accept an invitation to your house they risk having you place 'demands on their time' in the future.

People who neither 'want their neighbours in their home' nor want to visit their neighbours' homes, but won't politely refuse an invitation because doing so involves interacting with other people

I also think that you'll get a reasonable turnout, OP. Don't cancel. Go ahead, with some friends for back-up. Incidentally, don't bother asking people why they didn't RSVP. You'll get a whole load of whinging stories about why they were too busy or ill or tired to display basic politeness. It's really not worth it.

BigYellowJumper · 13/06/2017 00:57

OP I didn't mean you, I meant the people saying it is 'horrible' to not want to socialise with neighbours. Of course it's unreasonable not to respond, although people do get busy.

SeanOSneachta · 13/06/2017 01:12

Op, I really hope your invitees respond with grace.

I threw a 'wine and mince pies' party the Christmas I moved into a new house. I had my DCs decorate the invitations to show that all ages were welcome.

I got some lovely RSVPs.

Two families showed up unexpectedly.
One bemoaned the fact that my children were 'too young' and showed that she felt she was wasting her time as her twins were 7 and my eldest was only just 5. Another family ... I was putting down fresh platters of sausages finger food and heard her hissing to her kids 'This. Is. Dinner! Eat as much as you can!'

Dawnedlightly · 13/06/2017 01:22

I'd love to come but I'd wobble at confirming 2 weeks in advance. 2 hours in a Sunday could well stymie the whole weekend- as pp have said juggling visiting family etc. back to school/ University, rushing back from lunch elsewhere etc. And I'd worry about saying yes and then bowing out because that'd seem flakey...
I really hope/ am sure you'll get a good batch on the day though.

3luckystars · 13/06/2017 03:41

Ah I'm not horrible, don't be cross with me! I would always rsvp to a wedding, or anything that I was asked to by a friend. I'm just saying I wouldn't to this until closer to the time because there is no need for her to know 2 weeks before, it's a casual daytime event, and I would like to know what other neighbours are going too.

(Although I would probably call in and tell her that I would let her know for definite the day before, because of shift work I never can commit to things unless I confirm the day off work)

This situation is like someone at a bus stop giving you an invite to a barbecue and demanding a written reply. You don't know them, its just different. (To me)

Just because someone writes 'please reply', doesn't mean you have bad manners if you don't reply. Otherwise I'd put it on every single email, letter and note I send to Matt Damon.

3luckystars · 13/06/2017 03:51

Just to underline in red biro, I always reply to wedding and party invitations immediately, especially the children's parties. Always. Always.

Just this situation is different to me when someone you don't know and haven't met, invites you and want a reply 2 weeks before. (As explained above, shift work situation and having to suss out who else is going first)

3luckystars · 13/06/2017 03:53

Good luck at the party anyway! I hope the sun shines on you and everyone drops by.

Also, good luck in your new home!

Twitchingdog · 13/06/2017 06:13

Don't cancel just go with flow and remind people nearer the time .

Roussette · 13/06/2017 06:29

Even though the invite says 3-5pm, that doesn't mean you have to stay that long! I find it extraordinary that people find it like a summons. I always think on my feet and if I rock up at a do but think it might be boring, I make my excuses that I can't stay long as I arrive! If I really don't want to go but feel I ought to, I rush in in a flurry with a pot plant as a welcome to the neighbourhood gift, say I can just manage one cuppa/drink before I have to rush off and leg it! I must be very devious.

BMW6 · 13/06/2017 08:06

I think your neighborhood will be curtain twitching on the day, and as they see your friends rock up they will come over. No-one likes to be the first to arrive (in case they are the only ones to turn up!)

Embolio · 13/06/2017 08:17

Haven't rtft but, I was thinking good grief it's 2 weeks away! I wouldn't feel the need to rsvp for a casual daytime event so far in advance- I'd probably put it on the calendar and wait for the weather forecast.
My mum quite often does this sort of thing for the neighbours and it's always an open house type event so people can pop in and say hello for as long as suits them, always gets a good crowd. If you see any of them in the street just mention it in passing, I'm sure it will be fine.

Nettletheelf · 13/06/2017 09:41

It's not casual for the OP, who has to plan food, drinks and seating, though, is it? That's why she asked for RSVPs.

Ginslinger · 13/06/2017 10:24

It doesn't matter whether it's a formal sit-down dinner or an informal tea party - the host still has to cater and needs to know numbers. I really worry about how fractured our society is - how, on the one hand, we have people lonely and desperately asking how to find friends and on the other people scoffing at the idea of spending an hour with a few people they don't know. I'm off to bang my head on the wall.

LadyinCement · 13/06/2017 11:22

Yes, gunslinger, this thread has depressed me. The sheer audacity of the OP in thinking that people would waste their time on a stranger!

There are some very miserable and closed-minded posters - one remarked that she'd see first if their dcs were the same ages. Bizarre.

I wonder if any of these miseries are virtue-signalling away on FB etc but can't bear to say good morning to a fellow human being.

LadyinCement · 13/06/2017 11:23

Gunslinger?! Sorry about that!

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