Not a single reply to invites - should I cancel?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I moved house recently into a lovely little road of 24 houses. It's a very well established area, and I thought it might be a nice idea to get to meet all the neighbours by inviting them to drinks and tea in the garden on 25th June

Thing is, it's a fortnight now since I put the invitations through the doors and I've not had even one reply (I've not upset them, honest ... I haven't been here long enough, even if I'd wanted to )

I absolutely get that folk are busy and that not everyone RSVP's these days, but since I've not had even one reply I'm wondering if I should just forget the whole thing - I really don't want to decorate the garden, make tea for a crowd and then be sitting here alone

Please can anyone advise the best thing to do?

Ginslinger

This thread got me thinking and wondering a lot too! I'm not British by origin, and grew up somewhere far more sociable. I'd also class myself as an introvert who finds small talk draining, but on the other hand I believe you can find something interesting and a topic in common with most people, but you might have to make a bit of an effort. Friendship has been one of the most rewarding and life-enriching experiences I've had in my life, comparable with parenthood. I wouldn't have had amazing friends if I didn't force myself out of my comfort zones sometimes, though I admit with most of my best friends it was chemistry at first sight.

I wonder why it's different for me, since I'm not naturally life and soul of the party or anything, but it must be that I grew up surrounded by a large extended family, I actually lived in a 3 generation home till the age of 11 and my grandparents had dinner parties and various semi-religious type celebrations A LOT, a lot of the time I enjoyed it, sometimes even as a child I got tired by stupid adults pestering me with stupid questions like what my favourite subject at school was or whether I loved Mum or Dad more, but noisy socialising was normal to me.
I don't know if that's something which informed my expectations. Maybe without such a childhood I would have found it far more difficult to ever come out of my shell.

But it was on MN that the first time ever that I came across people saying I'm completely isolated, I don't have ANY friends or ANY family support. It doesn't come from nowhere, does it?

Anyway, in many places I've lived it wouldn't even occur to me to willingly socialise with the neighbours, most were so vastly different in their lifestyle to us, but I wouldn't turn down an invitation like that, just out of principle that it's not a big deal to commit to if it's not gonna go brilliantly, but there is also a chance of something really good coming out of it. :)

Actually due to us having a chat now and then with our next-door neighbours at our previous place our DD got surrogate grandparent figures in her life. They have on the surface completely nothing in common with us, but once we got to know them a little, turned out they were the kindest, most optimistic and enthusiastic couple you'd hope to meet, and they embraced our DD as their own GDD, I think she'll think of them as Granny and Grandpa for the rest of her life even though we've moved - we keep in touch!

I was invited to a similar event and tbh because there were 100+ people invited, I didn't think my one rsvp would make a big difference so I thought I'd just see what I felt like nearer the time.

A few days before the event I got an email asking to confirm numbers so she knew how much food to provide, which would be a good non-PA way of asking again for an rsvp.

Maybe post another note saying please confirm today so that you can get enough burgers and let you know of allergies/veggies etc. Being specific might help people to grasp why the rsvp is important, because most people (like me ) probably won't realise that they're not the only one hedging their bets.

Hope it goes well - the street near me has an annual BBQ get together and I'm always a bit envious as my street isn't very sociable!

People who think that by graciously deigning to accept an invitation to your house they risk having you place 'demands on their time' in the future

Yes, I was a bit confused about that one myself; also about how an invitation constitutes a "summons" ... but there you go

Sorry in advance as I'm not intending to be rude or critical personally here.

BUT, if someone moved onto our street and took it upon themselves to host a party for all the neighbours for no obvious reason other than that they'd just moved in, I'd be quite wary about who had just moved in. To me, it's screaming "attention seeking", "look at me", etc. I think I'd try to reserve judgement until the day itself and saw what kind of event it was and who else was going, and then maybe just pop in for a short while only, maybe for a drink, rather than staying the whole duration for a meal etc.

It may be an age or background thing, but my road is pretty quiet with everyone keeping themselves to themselves. We're all friendly enough over the garden fence or passing in the street and pass the time of day, but we're not "engaged" in eachothers' lives and aren't in and out of eachothers' houses. None of us (except 1 see below), ever have parties etc - maybe just a handful of friends or relatives for New Year or a Summer barbecue or a birthday, but certainly not "open houses" for the neighbourhood.

Not saying we're right and you're wrong, just saying it as it is on our road!

Now, our 1 neighbour who does have parties. She's a pain in the arse. 100% attention seeking twat. Ever since the day she moved in, she's had big parties virtually every month. She's "the one" who leaves her teenage kids alone to have all night parties whilst she buggers off to leave the neighbours facing the noise, damage, chaos etc. When her kids were small, and all their friends were having parties at soft play centres or small parties at home, she'd invite the whole class to her house. Now they're teenagers, she's the one who insists on a dozen or so of her children's friends to come to her house for "pre-prom champagne". She's the one where her daughter's friends all come to change into their tarty outfits prior to a night clubbing and then all return there in the early hours in taxis with loud door slamming, shouting, etc.

I'm not saying the OP is like that, but it's that that makes me wary of someone moving in and the first thing they do is host a party.

Not everyone is social. A lot of people hate socialising.

I may be wrong, but I suspect the OP is either relatively young and accustomed to the social/partying lifestyle of university, or come from a different ethnic background (other than conservative English) where socialising/parties are more the norm. Not saying anything wrong with that. But the OP needs to realise that not all her neighbours are "into "partying and socialising like that. Just as much as it's unfair for the neighbours to assume the OP is some kind of noisy party animal, it's also unfair for the OP to criticise her new neighbours for maybe not wanting to join in with her party lifestyle.

As I said at the start, sorry for any offence, etc., it's not my intention, but just to put across an alternative view point.

I'm 63 years-old, Welsh and as far from university age as you could imagine but I like the idea of people hosting parties that are inclusive - where older people mix with younger people/ singles with marrieds/ etc - we need to move away from the Noah's Ark of 2 by 2 and socialising with children of the same age.

I suspect the OP is either relatively young and accustomed to the social/partying lifestyle of university, or come from a different ethnic background

Neither, I'm afraid; I'm in my early sixties and as English as they come, so don't worry - I'm not planning a rave, either with or without slamming doors and "tarty outfits"

Nor have I criticised anyone who may not want to come; it was an invitation sent with the best of intentions and either they accept or they don't

I just wish they'd ruddy well let me know!!

Hilarious. puzzeled* you could have had a whole alternative persona

you could have had a whole alternative persona

You're right - I could pretend to have dyed my hair vivid pink, inserted a few bits of metal here and there and invested in some Doc Martens and a tatty "festival skirt"

It could be quite fun, actually ... and who knows, if I really did look like that it might have persuaded some of them to accept, just to find out if I'm as odd as I look

if someone moved onto our street and took it upon themselves to host a party for all the neighbours for no obvious reason other than that they'd just moved in, I'd be quite wary about who had just moved in. To me, it's screaming "attention seeking", "look at me", etc.

What a sad attitude.

I do think MN is way more full than the 'norm' of antisocial people who think the worst of others and can't bear to deign to speak with anyone other than their little family.

Then they wonder why they have no one they can call on to ask to watch their children / help them after an operation / whatever.

Well, I'd go.

If I did not know you at all I'd think;'That's a nice idea.Let's go and stay just for a quick one to be polite and then we'll go to B&Q'. And then I'd find out you were great and were serving Pimms with the tea and I'd be there all evening.

I rather fancy sending out invites to our neighbours for a summer party now. (have lived here since 1997 though and still don't know some of them).

I'm interested that OP is early 60's. I had assumed perhaps she might be a younger host. As I've become older, I've learned that many people prefer not to commit too far in advance to a party which they perceive as "open house, all welcome". There are ways to accommodate this, although I agree it's far better when people do have the courtesy to reply. Serve your fresh food first, then fill up on crisps. Or make food which can be frozen if it's not eaten

I think it's a lovely idea OP and I hope that you get some takers on the day. I definitely would not cancel! Maybe have a couple of mates round to help/commiserate if noone turns up. Try and buy stuff you can freeze if you have lots left over (sausage rolls, quiche, etc).
Please let us know how it goes!

Have fun OP ... friends of ours did this... didnt get replies and went for the low key approach - loads turned up.... Perhaps see if you can catch one or two in the street beforehand and ask if they're able to come... and perhaps pop a note through their doors 3-4 days ahead in case they forget when (you'll be surprised how many do).... really lovely thing to do and hope you get a lovely response

You sound kind, friendly, fun and like a very nice neighbour to have Puzzled. I hope the gathering is enjoyable and you have many happy years in your new home.

blimey - I'm staggered -isn't anyone else as nosey as me?!! I'd be there! and I would have RSVP-ed natch!

Move to Scotland and have your tea OP, you won't even need to send out invites, you'll have half the street round on moving day

I wonder if you've moved to Bedfordshire? - we did that with our new neighbours - no-one turned up apart from our friends we knew already. By the time we moved out 3 years later we were on talking terms with one of them...

Bedfordshire is a strange place.

Geeklove a friend of mine had a similar experience in Bedfordshire & moved away without knowing a single person/neighbour

This really is the thread that keeps on giving, isn't it?

Now we learn that the OP, rather than simply having invited neighbours to a party, has 'taken it upon herself' to do so (which suggests not knowing her place!) and is an 'attention seeker'!

I feel quite sorry for the prom mum. I don't see how she's relevant to this thread, though. The OP is having a civilised afternoon party to get to know her neighbours. How has she become conflated with somebody (prom mum) who allows her teenagers to have parties, or get dressed up for clubbing, at her house?

Our last street party culminated in a disco at ours with the majority dancing to 80s hits from the 70 somethings to the toddlers. God some of you would have hated it

I slightly worry about the "keep themselves to themselves" mindset. My in laws are like this. Children grow up and leave, husbands die. There are alot of lonely old people around - don't think the OP is going to be one of them somehow.

You sound great OP and I'd come. If you were in Scotland though you might not need to send out invitations. They'd just pop round with 'a wee minding'.

I am something of an introvert but nevertheless I am aware of my surroundings and of people I live near and want to be part of it, not just for myself but ultimately for others. You need to have some relationships with people nearby - what about emergencies?
Also I don't ever want to be in a situation when someone is abused or dies because we were ignorant of their situation even if it could be seen.
I'm not for living in each other's pockets but it makes sense to be able to rub along and not pretend other's don't exist.

Mind you the Bedfordshire connection is weird. I thought it was just me since I am almost certainly an undiagnosed ASD person ( I seem to have an invisible hoarding next to me saying that, according to friends and colleagues!) and therefore many people seem to act like I have two heads, but it seems almost normal in Bedfordshire that people there seem to ignore everyone else.

I know that can't be true for everyone or everything in Bedfordshire, but it's strange how common it is?!

I'd come round if I lived by you! As others have said, I'd pop round for one drink just to be polite. But then I'd end up staying all evening because you sound lovely.

My family have been in Bedfordshire since cavemen times (even possibly since they were fish-like creatures) and I confirm that they are indeed odd. Most people's names are preceded by "that", e.g. "That Mrs Smith," or "That new woman has invited us to a party." "That" can be an incredibly pejorative word!

Bedfordshire was a hell of a culture shock from the North East. Or even the East Midlands! They actually talk to you there!