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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not a single reply to invites - should I cancel?

398 replies

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 13:10

I moved house recently into a lovely little road of 24 houses. It's a very well established area, and I thought it might be a nice idea to get to meet all the neighbours by inviting them to drinks and tea in the garden on 25th June

Thing is, it's a fortnight now since I put the invitations through the doors and I've not had even one reply (I've not upset them, honest ... I haven't been here long enough, even if I'd wanted to Wink)

I absolutely get that folk are busy and that not everyone RSVP's these days, but since I've not had even one reply I'm wondering if I should just forget the whole thing - I really don't want to decorate the garden, make tea for a crowd and then be sitting here alone

Please can anyone advise the best thing to do?

OP posts:
MissEliza · 12/06/2017 17:01

What a shame Op. I hope you haven't moved into a totally unsociable street because you seem like someone with a bit of community spirit. Invite your friends for a housewarming party instead.

spiderlight · 12/06/2017 17:05

Puzzled I'd come too! Not RSVPing is rude, but there's still time - as others have said, be prepared on the day and invite a few friends round, and maybe people who are dithering will see other people arriving and decide to come. Flowers

Stillwaitingforsummer · 12/06/2017 17:06

Just a thought - did you invited children too?

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 17:21

A few answers to questions - forgive me if I miss any as the thread's moved on quite a bit:

People are more than welcome to bring children
No Conservative (or other!!) posters in windows
It looked like an invitation, posted in an envelope on a Sunday, to hopefully avoid getting mixed up with the junk mail
I'm not aware if anyone's tried this before - not been here long enough to know
I'm pretty certain there aren't any community events on the same day
It's definitely not a "prison D wing" Grin - just an avenue of nice but ordinary 1930's houses
And the "Francophile" thing was in response to a PP's joke Wink

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 12/06/2017 17:23

It's still ages away! I'd be starting to panic this time next week, but not before.

What are planning on providing? Have you said 'bring a bottle'?
What I would do is cater just some nibbles (but assume low turnout and don't go overboard- you can always bung on a few extra pizzas/ sausage rolls, whatever, if a sudden swarm descends.) Maybe a crate of beer and a little wine, otherwise tea/ coffee?

Round about Tuesday/ wednesday of next week, I'd mention to any neighbours I saw in passing- 'are you joining us for a quick drink on Saturday?' But please do not chase it formally and please NO NO NO- do not formally cancel or send out retractions to the invitations. You'll just be known as Mad On-off Party Lady at number 12.

So that you're not totally alone on 24th and wondering whether to just draw the curtains and cry, I'd confide in the neighbours on either side of you, or indeed anyone who looks friendly, about the rsvp situation, that is, that you have NO BLOODY IDEA if anyone's going to turn up. Play on self-deprecation and see if you can corral a small group of them to agree to turn up at some point. If it ends up just being you guys, then you can have a right laugh about it and bingo- you've made a neighbourly pal or two.

On the other hand, if you end up running out to the shops because you've run out of gin and crisps, then SUCCESS! You're now Brilliant Party Lady at number 12.

Either way you can make this great fun, but you're going to have to take a deep breath and go with the flow, or else you're going to really wind yourself up. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

KERALA1 · 12/06/2017 17:25

Seriously I reckon you will get a critical mass OP. To all the sneerers - the worst that could happen a stilted evening or left over food. OP is tough enough to initiate so obviously has broad enough shoulders to deal with it if no one shows.

Upside? It may be fab. You may meet some really nice people who (bonus) live close by. Facilitate others making connections. Too many lonely people hunched over computer screens - look at all the "got no friends" threads. OP you are doing a good thing. I work with the terminally ill and it has given me much more of a get out and do stuff attitude go OP x

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 17:29

What are planning on providing? Have you said 'bring a bottle'?

Sandwiches, finger nibbles, cream scones, something like fruit tarts, tea and coffee, glasses of punch and soft drinks

I've not said to bring anything; if I do the inviting, at least to something at home, I expect to do the catering too (though I'll probably get flamed for that too now Grin)

I love some of the ideas you gave, though - many thanks for those

OP posts:
MissEliza · 12/06/2017 17:30

Actually I remember one of my neighbours who moved in before us said they did the same as you. On the night they had no idea if anyone was going to show up and they'd have loads of wasted food. But people did come and her efforts really turned the street into a sociable place. They always do a drinks thing the weekend before Xmas which we can never make but apparently the old dears who live in the street love it, bless them.

MarklahMarklah · 12/06/2017 17:41

Last year I tried to host a coffee morning for charity. I put notes through to all neighbours, in addressed envelopes, I included two phone numbers and an email address and an RSVP by date. Of 20 households, I got one reply.

FruBayerischOla · 12/06/2017 17:43

I think it's a lovely idea, OP - I hope you do get some replies soon. And I hope that people turn up - I'm sure they will.

I used to work for an EA. There was one cul-de-sac, a terrace of 14 houses, with which we were involved in a few sales over the years. We quickly discovered that, once Exchange of contracts had happened, another of the immediate neighbours used to arrange a party for the entire terrace - including the outgoing vendors and the incoming purchasers. We always thought that was a fab idea!

VocalCat · 12/06/2017 17:44

I wish you were my neighbour as it sounds lovely.

Roussette · 12/06/2017 17:49

You sound lovely Puzzled and we'd love a neighbour like you! When someone new moves in here often me (or occasionally a NDN) will have a get together so they can meet everyone at some point. All very relaxed and friendly. But we really really don't live in each others pockets and sometimes don't see each other for ages.

It's rude for no one to have replied but I imagine they've just not got round to it. We'd be there like a shot!

KERALA1 · 12/06/2017 17:49

"Sunday is family time" to my eyes reads "we have absolutely no friends"

SafeToCross · 12/06/2017 18:01

Ah I bet they will all be curtain twitching on the day to see who is coming. Have a nice cup of tea yourselves in the garden and see what comes of it. Maybe throw the front door open and put some music on or something to look welcoming.

Venusflytwat · 12/06/2017 18:01

I just think you've over thought things tbh.
They've probably not even noticed the RSVP date; two weeks is bizarrely early. I imagine you'll get texts and responses next week but no sooner. I reckon several of them will come.

Nodowntime · 12/06/2017 18:05

Gosh, can you imagine it happening in Italy or Greece and people all ignoring the new neighbour?

I don't even think it could happen anywhere but Engand Hmm. We are moving soon (within England) and I was thinking about doing something similar (just for the closest neighbours, it's a big road), but now I'm not sure!

Your only mistake, OP, that it might have been too far away at the time, and that you wanted RSVPs too early before the date. I have a pile of invitations for my DD's classmates' parties and I have no idea whether our house purchase will complete by then, because then we'd be spending weekends there, but if not, she'll go, and I'll have to let some mums know I will only know for sure after their requested response dates.
Very rude of them not to reply anyway, but some might still reply belatedly.

Also people who have firmly expressed no desire whatsoever to socialise with ANY of the neighbours, this is a new person arrived who you know nothing about, they might be a gem and potential lifelong friend, and 24 households are invited, you are potentially dismissing dozens of people out of hand, so sure you will not have a nice time or won't be able to have a nice chat with ANY of them on one afternoon of your life?

troodiedoo · 12/06/2017 18:10

People are so flaky these days they can't commit to anything in advance. They might not feel like it on the day or get a better offer. The only thing that would put me off would be if it looked like a non alcoholic thing, but I'd bring a bottle anyway.

OVienna · 12/06/2017 18:10

KERALA1 Mon 12-Jun-17 17:49:50

"Sunday is family time" to my eyes reads "we have absolutely no friends"

I had a work colleague who kept saying we should meet up; would only ever propose Wednesday afternoons at her place in Hammersmith knowing full well Iive in East London (and by the way we were both supposed to be AT WORK at that time...Hmm)

I take the view that a 'weekends are family time' comment means, you're not a good enough friend to allocate much time to.

OP I hope you get a good turn out....

Roussette · 12/06/2017 18:25

I think the phrase "Strangers could be friends you've never met" is very apt.

I'm amazed that lots of people are so anti social! I love meeting new people. If I don't click with them (or indeed them with me), that's fine but how do you know if you don't bother?!

pinkdelight · 12/06/2017 18:25

"Sunday is family time" to my eyes reads "we have absolutely no friends"

How odd. To my eyes it read "we have lots of friends that we spend a lot of time with so we have to make sure we have this time just for us."

BeyondThePage · 12/06/2017 18:27

"Sunday is family time" to my eyes reads "we have absolutely no friends"

I have plenty of friends thanks Confused - I also have a MIL in a care home 50 miles away who desperately looks forward to being visited on a Sunday and taken out for a few hours.

Thankfully, my "friends" know that, so we go out Thurs/Fri or Sat night, or Sat afternoon for a pub lunch.
To us, Sunday is family time.

29Palms · 12/06/2017 18:28

I'm not talking about socialising or being super pally with neighbours.
I'm talking about the attitude that comes over strongly from certain posters that they want nothing whatsoever to do with them

Nellie Five Bellies' post is a great example of what I'm talking about. But if you turn your backs on people altogether, you won't get any of the benefits of friendly acquaintance.

KERALA1 · 12/06/2017 18:39

Oops hit a nerve! Thats def how I interpret these smug "we are a family everyone else can sod off" type prounoucements

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 18:41

I'm off out soon to join some friends for a drink, and I think I'm going to take the advice of several posters and ask them to come along on the 25th

Admittedly it's not what it was originally going to be about, but at least there'll be someone there. It also means plenty of chatter, which hopefully might encourage any more reserved folk who turns up to join in (if they do turn up, that is!!)

Nodowntime I hear what you're saying about Italy and Greece, though most of my experience is through a great deal of time spent in the US ... probably too much, since I can't help remembering that, over there, you'd need a shotgun to keep neighbours away from something like this Wink

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 12/06/2017 18:48

Their loss if they don't turn up op - it's not a rejection they don't even know you - have fun

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