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Ending friendship with flaky friend

134 replies

MalcolmTuckersTardis · 11/06/2017 23:28

My first AIBU!

Backstory: (Male, not that it's relevant) uni friend has always had form for being ridiculously late. Recently he's become really flaky too - always changing dates and times of meet-ups. We're in our 30s now and I've put up with this for over a decade because he's a laugh and it's now what I consider a historic friendship.

I recently had my first baby. Friend and his fiancée have been bugging to come visit but due to feeding struggles and general new baby shock I couldn't be dealing with his flakiness so put it off until now when baby is 3 months and I'm a bit more settled.

So we arranged weeks ago - after a LOT of back and forthing over times and dates - to meet today (Sunday). Last week he texts to say he made a mistake and can't do Sunday but Saturday should be fine instead, right? I say no because i have a longstanding arrangement with another non-flaky friend on Sat. So he then says ok let's stick to Sunday but 11am instead of afternoon. Fine, I reply but I'm not changing again because it's annoying (and not easy when juggling life around a new baby).

So DH & I spend the morning taking it in turns to hold the baby and get ready, tidy up and prepare a light brunch for 11am. 11am, 11.10, 11.15 all come and goes and I hear nothing. Friend lives 5 mins drive down the road, btw.

So at 11.15 I text to say brunch is off. At 11.21 he turns up with fiancee ringing the doorbell as though nothing has happened. No apology, nothing. I don't let him in. He keeps calling my mobile and eventually I pick up and say I won't see him because I think his behavior is unacceptable. He does the usual and refuses to accept any culpability and instead gives me two or three diff excuses (he put in the wrong post code in the GPS, a cousin came round unexpectedly before he set off etc etc).

He also said if I didn't see him I'd be upsetting his Fiancee and also they had gifts for the baby. I stood my ground and didn't see him. He eventually left the gifts outside and left.

So a) WIBU? and b) AIBU not to go to his wedding next month because I frankly don't have time for his BS anymore and consider the friendship over?

OP posts:

WhyOhWhy78 · 11/06/2017 23:36

I don't mean to be rude but I think you are being unreasonable. Being late/flaky with plans is annoying yes but worth ending s friendship over? He seems to be a good friend who seems very keen to share the joy of your new baby and bring gifts?
He may have things going on his life that's making him flaky etc that you're unaware of...maybe not though and he's just like that. Having a new baby is very stressful and you're probably sleep deprived (?) which can make everything seem worse. It seems harsh to me to end a friendship over something so trivial though. Hope that's doesn't come across as rude in any way.


Miscella · 11/06/2017 23:37

He was 20 minutes late for brunch. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me, seems a massive overreaction from you.


Crispbutty · 11/06/2017 23:38

I think you sound quite crazy for not letting him in when they were at the door and only 20 minutes late on a Sunday morning.


MinorRSole · 11/06/2017 23:40

It was brunch with a friend not an interview or court appearance. 20 minutes late wouldn't even register with me.

I'm extremely laid back so my close friends don't even arrange to come they just show up but I still think your idea of flaky is a little over zealous


unfortunateevents · 11/06/2017 23:40

He needed to put your postcode in the satnav to drive five minutes to your house?! As a friend of over a decade, presumably he knows how to get to your house? What a lame excuse! Having said that, when you say he is always ridiculously late - how late do you mean? Twenty minutes late is not great but it was a Sunday brunch, not a royal garden party, I think I would have been more forgiving.


ImperialBlether · 11/06/2017 23:41

20 minutes is fine. I think you were being unreasonable, but I understand you were pissed off with him.

When you told him at 11.15 that it was cancelled, he clearly jumped in the car.


lionsleepstonight · 11/06/2017 23:42

Texting to say brunch was off after 15mins was v v rude.


MerryInthechelseahotel · 11/06/2017 23:42

Big over reaction! Get on the phone and apologise tomorrow.


onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 11/06/2017 23:44

He was 20 mins late and you didn't let him in? Gawd - that's a bit harsh.
Some of my friends and I faff about for ages trying to come up with a date to meet texting back and forth and then might be 20 mins late on the day - nobody thinks anything of it.
I feel a bit sorry for your friend especially as he'd generously bought gifts. It wasn't as if he'd arrived later tan when he might reasonably have stayed if he'd arrived on time (if that makes sense).


StaplesCorner · 11/06/2017 23:45

If you did that to me cos I was 20 minutes late, I'd consider the friendship over too. Complete over-reaction, but if you feel the friendship is over then fine, don't go to the wedding.


Papafran · 11/06/2017 23:46

Sounds like you don't want to be his friend anymore and are using this as an excuse. Pretty horrible to refuse to let him in when he was 20 mins late for brunch. Was your DH not embarrassed at how you were behaving? I would have been.
Some people are not great with time keeping, which is frustrating, but being 20 minutes late is pretty minor. I bet now that you have a baby, you will frequently be late for things. Imagine if you were late and someone refused to let you in their house. Some people are not good at organising themselves.
If I were him, I would cut ties anyway, so I think you will find that the friendship will end, which is what you wanted.


MalcolmTuckersTardis · 11/06/2017 23:46

I know it seems like an overreaction in isolation but he is late for everything, and because of the ridiculous amount of back and forth that went into pinning down a day (and also the fact that I have a new baby) I thought he'd be a bit more respectful and be on time.

Practically every time we arrange something he changes the date, the time or the location and is then regularly 20+ mins late and it's infuriating. We barely meet up because of it and when we do I always feel so irritated with him because he's been late or sent me a million texts changing things I don't want to see him again for ages, which is why today felt like the straw that broke the camel's back.

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 11/06/2017 23:48

Sounds like you're done with him and this is the final excuse straw. In which case, have done. Generally speaking, YABU. And do not go to the wedding.


rollonthesummer · 11/06/2017 23:48

You cancelled brunch when he was 15 minutes late?!Grin


Enidblyton1 · 11/06/2017 23:49

It's perfectly fine to be annoyed with someone for being flakey and always late.
But your behaviour today sounds slightly weird and obsessive. It wouldn't bother me if someone was 20 mins late for brunch at home.
I'm guessing he might not be so bothered about keeping in touch with you after this - but perhaps this is for the best?


ArchieStar · 11/06/2017 23:51

OP, I have a friend like yours.

We became friends through work and are still in touch now despite us both having moved on since. Considering her profession, she is so bloody flaky, never on time for anything and is almost a guaranteed "can we rearrange coz of whatever". We are still friends and as a matter of fact she's godmother to my DD.

Those of us that know and love her have accepted this is just who she is, and we all love her for it as she tries her hardest to get herself organised but she's always rushing around. When we do eventually meet up our DC have the best time together and we have a nice catch up. I know she is there when I need her (albeit she will be late physically). I have to say I think the text was a bit U.


unfortunateevents · 11/06/2017 23:53

So why are you still friends with him? You said yourself it's historic and he can't be much fun to spend time with if you are so wound up over his lateness. You have moved on, time to cu the ties I think.


FetchezLaVache · 11/06/2017 23:53

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like you were just itching for him to be a bit late so you could put him in his place.


HarrietKettleWasHere · 11/06/2017 23:53

I would have been embarrassed by you if I was your DH.

He made the effort, 20min behind schedule, and brought gifts and his fiancé. You probably did upset his fiancé! She probably thinks you're unhinged tbh.


KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/06/2017 23:57

You don't seem unhappy with what you've done, but you've started a thread about it? Is it that you want validation or is it because you're worrying you've been to hasty?

I'd say this one's kind-of on you to decide!


Branleuse · 11/06/2017 23:58

complete overreaction even if he is regularly late


seoulsurvivor · 12/06/2017 00:00

15 minutes late and you cancelled????

My friends and I wouldn't even register 15 minutes as being late.


nokidshere · 12/06/2017 00:00

I have a friend who is always late. Last weekend she said she'd be here "around lunchtime" and finally arrived about 5:30pm.

We make bets on what time she is going to arrive these days!

If we are at home we don't worry about it, we just get on with our day until she gets here. If we are meeting somewhere else at say 2pm, we just tell her the table/whatever is booked for 12

I can't imagine telling her we wouldn't be friends anymore because of one character flaw that's irritating, we have been friends for almost 20 years, no point getting snippy about it now!


WellThatSucks · 12/06/2017 00:01

Fetchez That's exactly the feeling I got too.
I think you overreacted, 15 mins for a casual meet up for lunch or drinks with a longtime friend is not excessive, but it also sounds like you were looking for an excuse to overreact. I think the kindest thing you can do now, OP, is what pps said: decline the wedding invitation (though I'm getting you weren't too bothered about going anyway) and cut the ties.


SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 12/06/2017 00:03

Oh my god, you have a new baby? Then obviously you can't possibly be unreasonable!

I HATE people turning up late, and ive got friends like this, but even I think you're bring a bit of a twat over 15 mins

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