Ending friendship with flaky friend

[MalcolmTuckersTardis]

My first AIBU!

Backstory: (Male, not that it's relevant) uni friend has always had form for being ridiculously late. Recently he's become really flaky too - always changing dates and times of meet-ups. We're in our 30s now and I've put up with this for over a decade because he's a laugh and it's now what I consider a historic friendship.

I recently had my first baby. Friend and his fiancée have been bugging to come visit but due to feeding struggles and general new baby shock I couldn't be dealing with his flakiness so put it off until now when baby is 3 months and I'm a bit more settled.

So we arranged weeks ago - after a LOT of back and forthing over times and dates - to meet today (Sunday). Last week he texts to say he made a mistake and can't do Sunday but Saturday should be fine instead, right? I say no because i have a longstanding arrangement with another non-flaky friend on Sat. So he then says ok let's stick to Sunday but 11am instead of afternoon. Fine, I reply but I'm not changing again because it's annoying (and not easy when juggling life around a new baby).

So DH & I spend the morning taking it in turns to hold the baby and get ready, tidy up and prepare a light brunch for 11am. 11am, 11.10, 11.15 all come and goes and I hear nothing. Friend lives 5 mins drive down the road, btw.

So at 11.15 I text to say brunch is off. At 11.21 he turns up with fiancee ringing the doorbell as though nothing has happened. No apology, nothing. I don't let him in. He keeps calling my mobile and eventually I pick up and say I won't see him because I think his behavior is unacceptable. He does the usual and refuses to accept any culpability and instead gives me two or three diff excuses (he put in the wrong post code in the GPS, a cousin came round unexpectedly before he set off etc etc).

He also said if I didn't see him I'd be upsetting his Fiancee and also they had gifts for the baby. I stood my ground and didn't see him. He eventually left the gifts outside and left.

So a) WIBU? and b) AIBU not to go to his wedding next month because I frankly don't have time for his BS anymore and consider the friendship over?

You lost me at 'taking turns to hold the baby' ?? You sound as high maintenance as he does. Locking the door and texting, are you sure all is well with you OP?

Wow, that's a bit harsh OP! There is obviously a lot more that bothers you about this 'friendship' if you kick off over such a small thing.
I had a dear friend who was habitually late for everything. I just used to give her a time 30 mins in advance of the real time I would have liked her to arrive, knowing then she wouldn't be too late.

Like a PP, I had a friend who was always late, always always, and we too used to lay bets on how many hours late she'd be. She'd finally turning up at the 11th hour with no excuses or apologies. She was so lovely though that I never said anything. She's moved away now so I don't have to put up with it.
I think you should have gone ahead with the brunch and then maybe had a word to him some other time about his habitual flakiness.

I don't think you necessarily overreacted as like you say, this is a culmination of flakiness, and with the stress (and joy of course!) of a new baby, it's not surprising you got upset.

You have three clear choices here:
1 Accept that your friend is flaky and continue your friendship
2 Once you've had some time to reflect, have a discussion with your friend about what happened and why, and give them one last chance. Give him a chance to explain his side.
3 Dump your friend

Personally I would go for 2. Your friend needs to understand why you were (not unreasonably) so upset and to give his side of the story. Then see how is he after that. If nothing changes I'd be tempted to stay friends but at a distance.

Don't worry OP. I remember when DD was very young how easy it was to get very upset and angry over things. It's horrible when you need your friends the most and they let you down

I understand how you feel OP as one of my best friends is very flaky, and I had to 'train' him to be less so by showing I wouldn't put up with it.

So in the past I have 'overreacted' in a similar way but he has learnt to be more reliable.

Presumably this friend holds down a job so can turn up on time if he needs to.

I think you should text him when you've calmed down and say you're sick of the flakiness and it has to change if he wants to stay friends.

But thank him for the gifts and definitely go to his wedding, if you don't the friendship will be over for sure. Give him another chance now you've made your stance on flakiness clear. If he values the friendship he'll make more effort (but still expect a bit of flakiness!).

I think you over reacted as well. Do you actually not want to be friends with him any more? You sounded annoyed he was interested in your baby!

Lateness and flakiness can be annoying, but it sounds like you're on a bit of a melodramatic power trip - refusing to let your guest into your house and making them stand on your doorstep with gifts begging you to come in!!

I know it's stressful getting ready for stuff with a new baby. But if you know your friend's flaky and always late, why the rush to have everything ready for precisely 11 o'clock? Agree with others that it sounds a bit like you were looking for an excuse to tear him a new one. I'd imagine the friendship is over whether you want it to be or not.

This thread is really interesting as the What's 15 Minutes Between Friends! thread had s very different consensus!

I completely understand why you lost your rag, though. I had a friend who was often late (and then be angry at ME if I was strategically late so that she had to wait for me for 5 minutes) and who would change plans often and 'need' things confirming several times. For instance, I had to say yes I'll meet you on Saturday a week in advance, the night before, on the morning of, and as I was leaving to go to our destination. One day I had the audacity to not go through this ridiculous ritual and she simply never turned up, nor called to check etc, so I was sitting in the pub, alone, like a prat. I deleted her from Facebook and we've not spoken in 5 years.

Presumably if she hadn't texted he would have been much later! I think people aren't getting that.

My best friend is late for everything, and I mean an hour or more. I love her to bits and just organise things for an hour earlier than I want!
YABU and I feel sorry for your friend but I imagine there might be more to this than just being late. If not then chill out! Life is too short to stress over 20 minutes!

The 'twenty minutes late' has to be seen in context of all the past unreliability and, specific to this occasion, trying to change days, then changing times.

Its a pain in the arse when visitors do this. I knew a woman who would say she was coming for lunch then turn up at 4.30, after I'd prepped and waited. Fuck that. I saw the back of her.

OP, this is a friendship which is over. Be at peace.

I think your approach is probably right, and if he can respond, the only way to keep the friendship going without you seething (assuming you have told him you want him to be on time and won't accept late arrival). I am hoping his dp will see the issue now and tell him to address it or at least save herself from the relationship. Sadly, she will probably just be baffled - I hope you had the opportunity to explain to her and not apologise - because it was not your fault - but say that you were sorry she was inconvenienced.

It sounds to me like you have manufactured this falling-out with brilliant timing so that you don't have to go to his wedding. You have saved yourself the cost of new outfits, a present and a babysitter. Well done. Hope you are happy, alone behind your locked door.

'Friend and his fiancée have been bugging to come visit but due to feeding struggles and general new baby shock I couldn't be dealing with his flakiness so put it off until now'

He's waited 3 months to see you and arrived with his fiancé and gifts slightly late and you wouldn't let them in?

Awful behaviour on your part. Sounds like you don't like him and this once fun friend is now just a nuisance to you.

You were unreasonable to not let him in and rude...I expect you'll never hear from him again so ultimately you have what you want.
I think you're milking the new baby thing a bit tbh. People manage to prepare a meal and mind a baby and get a wash, you even had your DH with you fgs.
The main thing is you were looking for a way to end the friendship, you've done that now but it's a shame that you're now going to look a bit petty to anyone he chooses to tell.

I have a friend like this. She isn't late but always changes arrangements a gazillion times and often lets me down at the last minute. She also talks about herself a lot. Part of her problem is that she commits to too much then wears herself out.

The only way I deal with her is to make arrangements at the last minute so I'll send her an email to say I am planning to come to town in the next day or so. Is she free?

I am bordering on giving her the push but she is just about bearable with the tactic above.

I suspect you are not wanted at the wedding anymore. Your reaction has meant you have gone from the friend with the upper hand to, if the story is being replayed to others seeming totally unhinged. It was 20 minutes of you waiting at your house.

In this case, I would have honoured the visit but wouldn't have bothered with any more future arrangements.

Flakey people are a pain in the neck. I totally feel your pain if your history with him is anything like my friend. Does my head in!

I'd apologise, blame baby tiredness and say that your frustration all came to a head. But I'd also make it clear that you have got to the end of your tether and although you love his company you won't be messed around anymore.

Now he knows you are serious he might shape up.

For brunch with friends a slight delay is ok... Not ideal but ok.

Try being in my shoes going the other side of London waiting for someone who turns up 2 hours late (my ex friend). Or doesn't turn up at all...

Clearly they only showed up at the time they did because of your text. You say they live 5 mins away and they magically showed up 6 mins after your text with rubbish excuses. In the age of mobile phones, if anything happens to make you late you are able to ring or text to say "sorry, X has happened, we're running 10 mins late" which is the right and proper thing to do.

I'm one of those annoying people who is never more than 5 minutes late for anything barring an accident or emergency. People who habitually, as opposed to occasionally, regularly turn up 30+ minutes late are rude, in my book.

So YANBU to be totally fed up after years of this shit. However, I think YABU to have left them standing on the door like that. Had it been 45 minutes, then I think I would have done the same as you. But at 21 minutes late, even with the shit excuses, I'd have gone through the visit (for his fiance's sake more than anything) but after the event I would have absolutely have "discussed" it with him or scaled back the friendship significantly.

I despise flakiness and drop/don't make plans with friends who are unreliable, it's cost me too much time and money over the years. If you hadn't texted he wouldn't have shown up at 11.20. You need to be honest with yourself. This friendship is over. In this case, this is your chance to make a clean break. If the wedding invitation is for an evening do, just don't go. If it's an all-day one, let them know right now that you won't attend, that there's no room in your life now for flakiness or tardiness, you've had enough of people who cannot make and stick to plans.

I get where you're coming from somewhat. All the to'ing and fro'ing, I'd have just dropped it and not bothered to respond after a while.

Why does he need satnav to get to your house if he lives 5 mins away?

YABU - ending your friendship over him being 20 mins late seems like a massive over-reaction.

Did he know how pissed off you were at his flakiness?