Ending friendship with flaky friend

[MalcolmTuckersTardis]

My first AIBU!

Backstory: (Male, not that it's relevant) uni friend has always had form for being ridiculously late. Recently he's become really flaky too - always changing dates and times of meet-ups. We're in our 30s now and I've put up with this for over a decade because he's a laugh and it's now what I consider a historic friendship.

I recently had my first baby. Friend and his fiancée have been bugging to come visit but due to feeding struggles and general new baby shock I couldn't be dealing with his flakiness so put it off until now when baby is 3 months and I'm a bit more settled.

So we arranged weeks ago - after a LOT of back and forthing over times and dates - to meet today (Sunday). Last week he texts to say he made a mistake and can't do Sunday but Saturday should be fine instead, right? I say no because i have a longstanding arrangement with another non-flaky friend on Sat. So he then says ok let's stick to Sunday but 11am instead of afternoon. Fine, I reply but I'm not changing again because it's annoying (and not easy when juggling life around a new baby).

So DH & I spend the morning taking it in turns to hold the baby and get ready, tidy up and prepare a light brunch for 11am. 11am, 11.10, 11.15 all come and goes and I hear nothing. Friend lives 5 mins drive down the road, btw.

So at 11.15 I text to say brunch is off. At 11.21 he turns up with fiancee ringing the doorbell as though nothing has happened. No apology, nothing. I don't let him in. He keeps calling my mobile and eventually I pick up and say I won't see him because I think his behavior is unacceptable. He does the usual and refuses to accept any culpability and instead gives me two or three diff excuses (he put in the wrong post code in the GPS, a cousin came round unexpectedly before he set off etc etc).

He also said if I didn't see him I'd be upsetting his Fiancee and also they had gifts for the baby. I stood my ground and didn't see him. He eventually left the gifts outside and left.

So a) WIBU? and b) AIBU not to go to his wedding next month because I frankly don't have time for his BS anymore and consider the friendship over?

[Shakirasma]

You are getting a hard time here OP, which is understandable because you are completely unreasonable.

But what is standing out to me is 1) it's taken 3 months before you feel able to allow this visit, and 2) you obsessed about the time to the point that you know the exact minute the door was knocked.

I am rather concerned for you OP, in all sincerety I wonder how you are coping at the moment.

[KERALA1]

There unspoken rules (in my head anyway) going to someone's house we try to be 10 ish minutes late after a very forthright Aussie friend told me how annoying it was we were bang on time for a dinner party!

Meeting in a bar try to be really on time meeting on street corner / going into paid event I will be early.

[tinypop4]

Op I feel for you a bit here, I absolutely hate lateness, I think it is extremely rude and annoying. But, I've learnt over the course of my adult life that other people don't feel this way and it is the norm to be up to 30 minutes late for casual engagements like brunch or meeting for coffee.

Yabu to have lost it over 20 minutes lateness, and it is rude for you not to have let them in especially as they bought you gifts for your baby.
You should text and apologise to say you have overreacted but were irritated by his constant lateness. I'm sure you'll patch it up.

[VinIsGroot]

Well....you've had a baby.... Congratulations.....I've had 3! I didn't need 3 months to get myself sorted before a visit from a friend... They just turned up!
Massive overreaction....poor guy! Other people's lives are busy too.

[FetchezLaVache]

I don't think they did only even turn up when they did because of OP's text - if they're 5 mins away and arrived 6 mins after they were desummoned, they were still within 1 minute of being ready to leave the house when the text arrived.

[diddl]

Yeah, he was so desperate to see the baby he couldn't be bothered to get there on time!

I think that maybe you could have let them in & had the already prepared brunch & decided that that was the final straw & to not bother with him from tha point on.

After that, I can't think why you'd be considering the wedding at all.

[dustarr73]

Jesus op you're getting some flack.Yanbu flakiness is awful,making plans and cancelling at the last minute.

He's so used to people not saying anything to him about being late it doesn't register.Or he doesn't care, my bet it's be second one.Anyway op text him to say it was off.And she's right not to open the door,might make him realise that being late and flaky is not cute.

[joannegrady90]

You sound a bit demented op 😂

I'm always late when visiting friends, my average is an hour 😂 I simply apologise and warm my food up if it's cold, no biggie !

[MatildaTheCat]

He's one of life's people who is always late and you cannot abide lateness.

You are not a good match friendship-wise.

You were outrageously rude to refuse entry to an old mate on the doorstep with gifts. Even if you decide correctly that this isn't working, you should have the grace to apologise and explain that even if he didn't realise it, you have been getting more and more upset with him. He didn't deserve that.

[Kokusai]

He was 21 mins late. I'm not sure that is friendship ending territory.

[pluck]

It sounds like you were going to have a fight with him about this anyway, so it might as well have been on the doorstep rather than in the house, over a brunch which had become indigestible with anger! This way, at least he got his lesson over and done with quickly. It sounds as though it was a lesson he needed, tbh. How awful that you couldn't bear seeing him because he was going to mess you around so much! Does he know what a PITA and rude he is, asking people to accommodate him so excessively?

[Lalalandfill]

I'm always late when visiting friends, my average is an hour 😂 I simply apologise and warm my food up if it's cold, no biggie

You sound like the friend from hell

OP, 20 mins is obviously an overreaction but I can see you were already very wound up. Your choice if you want to pursue this friendship, you will need to have a good talk with him and explain it's the culmination of years of irritation

[diddl]

"I'm always late when visiting friends, my average is an hour"

Why?

Cba to leave on time, never allow enough time for the journey..?

[juliej75]

Blimey, I hate being late and lateness in others - it makes me really anxious and disproportionately pissed off. But even I think you've been unbelievably rude and should ring and apologise.

Well, that is unless it's got to the point where his flakiness outweighs what makes him a good friend in the first place, in which case you've successfully ditched him and will never have to see him again anyway.

Good friends aren't always easy to come by and we all need to make allowances for each other. It might be that he finds you horribly uptight but lets that go because you're good company once you relax get over him being late

[winkywinkola]

I think if he'd left you waiting in a bar or a cafe for twenty minutes then you'd've had every reason to leave or be really pee'd off.

But if someone is coming to your house, it's fine to have a bit of leeway in terms of punctuality.

However, he has a history of being flaky so I get that you're cheesed off with him anyway. He sounds like a well meaning person but that it's been very irritating over the years.

I would call him today, have a chat. Say sorry you didn't let him in but that you've been feeling annoyed that he feels you're not good enough to be on time for.

And in future, if you're still friends, when you arrange a time with him, you turn up 30 mins late. If he's not there, go home. Don't hang around!

[Getoutofthatgarden]

I'm always late when visiting friends, my average is an hour

Why do you feel your time is more important than others. That is such an entitled attitude, you just expect people to wait for you?

[LagunaBubbles]

It doesn't matter how angry you were I can't get over refusing to let him in when he's at the door, that's just bizarre! And pretty much the end of the friendship to.

[dustarr73]

Well put another spin on it,if he'd been on time he wouldn't have been left outside.Its his fault.
He already changed days ,the op is rightfully pissed off.

[winefixeswhine]

Yabu. You appear quite mad. You do know the world doesn't rotate around you?

[Wonders71]

My brother and sister in law are always late it got to the point where they were late for dinner at mother in laws house dinner was ruined...now they get told a time and if they are late we start without them....its just how they are! 21mins at your house though i would of just made a satcastic comment.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

I don't count this as 'late' because I think of it as an 'approximate time of arrival' these days, with kids, cars, public transport. I'm usually early, which is equally embarrassing as no-one is ready and I then have to sit in the car for a while. But this just isn't 'late' to me as whenever I go to people's parties/BBQs/things at their houses, people arrive over about an hour from the start time. They even usually say 'from 4pm...' as that's the whole point with friends, it's not a medical appointment!

[pasturesgreen]

Quite frankly I wouldn't like to be friends with you op.

[joannegrady90]

Not self entitled. Takes me a while to get sorted due to depression and ocd.

Luckily my friends understand and aren't keyboard warriors on mumsnet 😂

[MickeyRooney]

YANBU. he sounds like a piss artist. you're better off without him. I would keep the gifts too.