Ending friendship with flaky friend

[MalcolmTuckersTardis]

My first AIBU!

Backstory: (Male, not that it's relevant) uni friend has always had form for being ridiculously late. Recently he's become really flaky too - always changing dates and times of meet-ups. We're in our 30s now and I've put up with this for over a decade because he's a laugh and it's now what I consider a historic friendship.

I recently had my first baby. Friend and his fiancée have been bugging to come visit but due to feeding struggles and general new baby shock I couldn't be dealing with his flakiness so put it off until now when baby is 3 months and I'm a bit more settled.

So we arranged weeks ago - after a LOT of back and forthing over times and dates - to meet today (Sunday). Last week he texts to say he made a mistake and can't do Sunday but Saturday should be fine instead, right? I say no because i have a longstanding arrangement with another non-flaky friend on Sat. So he then says ok let's stick to Sunday but 11am instead of afternoon. Fine, I reply but I'm not changing again because it's annoying (and not easy when juggling life around a new baby).

So DH & I spend the morning taking it in turns to hold the baby and get ready, tidy up and prepare a light brunch for 11am. 11am, 11.10, 11.15 all come and goes and I hear nothing. Friend lives 5 mins drive down the road, btw.

So at 11.15 I text to say brunch is off. At 11.21 he turns up with fiancee ringing the doorbell as though nothing has happened. No apology, nothing. I don't let him in. He keeps calling my mobile and eventually I pick up and say I won't see him because I think his behavior is unacceptable. He does the usual and refuses to accept any culpability and instead gives me two or three diff excuses (he put in the wrong post code in the GPS, a cousin came round unexpectedly before he set off etc etc).

He also said if I didn't see him I'd be upsetting his Fiancee and also they had gifts for the baby. I stood my ground and didn't see him. He eventually left the gifts outside and left.

So a) WIBU? and b) AIBU not to go to his wedding next month because I frankly don't have time for his BS anymore and consider the friendship over?

I rarely say this but I think you are being totally unreasonable and a little precious also. Your baby is three months old - life goes on! You should have just got on with your day - if the later time clashed with baby's nap/ feed etc I would have just kept with your routine & expected your friend to slot in. Cancelling brunch after 15 mins however was a little diva-ish.

YABU Total overreaction to him only being 20 minutes late. Even with the back story...

His flakiness might be annoying to you but it's clearly a part of his personality so either accept him as is and deal with it or don't be his friend.

Who knows... he may find something about you absolutely annoying but just choose to ignore it?

What the actual fuck.

Are you by any chance incredibly sleep deprived? That can send normal judgement and perspective out of the window.

SORRY - Massive over reaction IMO

Normally I would be all sympathy with you for having a flaky friend, but this was a huge over-reaction. You weren't out waiting for him, it didn't really inconveninence you that much and you were extremely bloody rude to leave them standing on the doorstep and not let them in for being 20 minutes late!!
*2 hours" - maybe - but 20 minutes?

You don't even really have the hormonal excuse now, either - I have to agree that you are looking for an excuse to dump your friend.

This shit happens?!

I'm going to say it, you have been really mean. What a horrible thing to do, new baby or not, there are standards on how friends should be treated.

Since they were there it would have been nice to let them in, but when they were leaving, or maybe by text or call later explain how you were feeling and state that you enjoyed the visit but you were giving him one final chance as time is extremely important for you and if he couldn't keep to set times then you'd have to cut ties.

My aunt (same age as me) always late for everything. My nan says she'll be late to her own funeral, it was her birthday and she arranged a theatre trip. I was 9 months pregnant. So cue everyone's there, about 20 people and she has the tickets and she's no where to be found. They're closing the doors and my mood could cut ice, but anyway I see her running for dead life down the road and I stall the door men. When I see her I call her a muppet, hiss that I won't even get time to wee, and give her a right telling off. Will I see her again? Yes. She's my friend. She will always be late.

Good friends are hard to find, so if you want to end it, then do.

Congratulations on the baby. You're a star preparing a meal, when visitors came they had to fend for themselves at my house, some left without even a cup of tea 😂, I was that gone.

He lives 5 mins away and it's taken you 3 months to agree to see them?

Wow! People generally just dropped in when I had little ones - no arrangements open door and all that -

Is this normal for you OP to arrange things to the minute?

Unfortunately your behaviour would be totally unreasonable in my world, we often arrange to meet friends and everyone shows up between 5-30 min later. If it is for visiting at home, then surely that time is a bit flexible!

That said, you say it's the last straw, so it's obvious the friendship is collapsing anyway, he's never going to be less than 15 min late for the next twenty years, so better get it over with now.

An hour or two would have been rude, but 15-20 min is normal in my world, not even 'late', just we show up around the time, not exactly on the dot.

No matter what has gone on before this, unfortunately all people will remember is that you put them off for three months and then cancelled after only 15 minutes and left them on the step! YABU!

Are you never late, because you may find that changes when you have a baby that poops as soon as you lift your car keys, 15 mins may seem a lot now but give it a few more months and it will be nothing!

Sorry but the back story is irrelevant as the man did come on time - yes, I consider 21minutes on time for a house visit. Your behaviour was uncalled for and ugly.

It sounds as though you've had enough of this person. It is alright to feel that way - I tend to think that it is more the drip drip drip of small, petty annoyances rather than one big thing (after all, very few of us have friends who genuinely do any one, terrible thing to us). The problem with the drip drip drip is that one tends to explode with rage over what appears to be a trivial issue.

It may be that you aren't friends any more. That is okay.

I think the thing with flaky friends is that, after a while, they leave gaps for more reliable friends. Make the effort with some more reliable people. Fill your calendar (up to a point) with plans. If you do end up being friends with this person after all, you will have less time to see them. Arrange to meet them with other people - then if they cancel, your plans aren't cancelled.

Be prepared for him not to cancel if you do this, though. Partly because a bigger group may get more priority and partly because he won't want to cancel a whole group repeatedly.

You sound very unreasonable. You say your (ex)friend is always 20 minutes late, so you should have expected that and allowed for it. Sending the text and then refusing to let him in was incredibly rude, and an extremely weird overreaction on your part. So what if you have a three-month-old baby - you were waiting in the comfort of your own home, not on some rainswept street corner!

Don't worry about going to his wedding, after the way you behaved I doubt that he'll want to see you there.

Yes he was late. But you sound ever so slightly demented because it was only 20 mins. Also - he is a long standing friend, lives 5 mins away and he hasn't been allowed to visit your pfb for 3 months. You are being vvu and vv childish - he bought baby a gift and you refused to answer the door. You need to grow up and get over you preciousness and apologise - babies happen all the time you know?!!

I hate lateness. In this situation ywbu though, 20 mins late for brunch is not a big deal, especially at home and your reaction sounds really seriously over the top - how are you feeling generally?

Agree with Imperial The text is the only reason he turned up at 11.21! If you hadn't texted I bet he would have been considerably later.

Yes 20 mins is a small window of tolerance but I have to admit that when I had a tiny baby I really couldn't cope with plans falling behind by any more than half an hour. I was so stressed and was later diagnosed with major PND. There only ever seemed to be 20 mins 'spare' before the next cycle of feeding, changing and baby needing a nap had come around. I hardly saw anyone for months. Luckily all friends and family were very understanding.

I am LOL. He stood at the door, with presents no less, and you refused to let him in? You sound crazy. Seriously crazy.

He's better off without you as a friend and I hope he realises that.

My rule of thumb is 15 minutes leeway for meeting someone in public, 30 minutes leeway for someone coming to your house. I'mquite prepared to wait that long for someone without raising an eyebrow. More needs a reason, but isn't indefensible.

You do sound a bit like you're spoiling for a fight. I know your friend has form for being a bit flaky. But really, is that a major moral failing? It's not like he kicks puppies or leaves women at the altar.

If you do consider it a (minor) moral failing- well then is being a bit flaky a bigger moral failing than being a bit rigid?

I really hate lateness but 20 mins late when you're at home is acceptable imo. If he'd left you standing waiting somewhere for him then you'd have every right to be mad.

If you do consider it a (minor) moral failing- well then is being a bit flaky a bigger moral failing than being a bit rigid?
Everyone as parents has turmoil with balancing baby's and their own needs as well as managing meal preparation, cleaning etc Throw in a house guest, and sometimes the pressure is too much.
But surely in the midst of life with a new baby, relaxing standards for a bit and forgiving his tardiness and forgiving yourself a messy room/hairstyle, to share a laugh with a relaxed friend is a welcome event?

You & hubby spent ages tidying and taking turns holding baby while cleaning and dealing with preparing the brunch.

Could you try relaxing the pressure a bit?
Is this the kind of pressure you are really wanting to be placing on yourself, your DH and child about how house beautiful your life is, where brunch must be served on time and selves and friends are never ever late or change plans??

If this was a one off, I'd say you were overreacting. However, it sounds like this is a long, ongoing pattern and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

His excuses are pathetic - needing the satnav to visit a long time friend who only lives five minutes away? Rubbish! His cousin called in? Then why didn't he text you to say he'd be late?

His lack of apology etc is a sure sign that he's so used to getting away with this disrespect of others' time that he thinks its okay. It's not. It's rude, entitled and arrogant, and there's no way I'd have stayed friends with someone like that for this long.

I guess you now have to decide what you want to do going forward. He's not going to change. He's gotten away with this for too long, so you need to decide whether you can put up with this disrespect or not for the next 5/10/30/40 years. If you're entirely sure you want to end the relationship, then skip the wedding. But if you want to keep it going then do attend.

*it's, not its

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like you were just itching for him to be a bit late so you could put him in his place

I agree with you.

I'm also thinking how horrible it was to have done that to someone standing on your door step with presents for your baby.

OP, you should have gone ahead with the brunch then let the friendship die a death from then on in.

You behaved dreadfully.

You feel justified ditching the friendship as you know he has a long history of being late, as well as rescheduling again and again . Yet you say he is great for a laugh, and you had fun together in the past, so sounds a genuinely funny and caring person?
When you think about it, this points to a broader difficulty in your friend's executive functioning. So what you call 'flaky'', is actually just the way your friend came into this world, and the gifts he was given at birth. So maybe he is a fun, quirky sort of guy, and very clever in certain hobbies or tasks, but has always had difficulties with his executive functioning? So has he always had difficulties with organizing, remembering, paying attention, being able to extract oneself from absorbing activities, and generally getting one's act together? So maybe he is not taunting you and being egocentric, and rude, but genuinely struggles and is genuinely sorry