Ending friendship with flaky friend

[MalcolmTuckersTardis]

My first AIBU!

Backstory: (Male, not that it's relevant) uni friend has always had form for being ridiculously late. Recently he's become really flaky too - always changing dates and times of meet-ups. We're in our 30s now and I've put up with this for over a decade because he's a laugh and it's now what I consider a historic friendship.

I recently had my first baby. Friend and his fiancée have been bugging to come visit but due to feeding struggles and general new baby shock I couldn't be dealing with his flakiness so put it off until now when baby is 3 months and I'm a bit more settled.

So we arranged weeks ago - after a LOT of back and forthing over times and dates - to meet today (Sunday). Last week he texts to say he made a mistake and can't do Sunday but Saturday should be fine instead, right? I say no because i have a longstanding arrangement with another non-flaky friend on Sat. So he then says ok let's stick to Sunday but 11am instead of afternoon. Fine, I reply but I'm not changing again because it's annoying (and not easy when juggling life around a new baby).

So DH & I spend the morning taking it in turns to hold the baby and get ready, tidy up and prepare a light brunch for 11am. 11am, 11.10, 11.15 all come and goes and I hear nothing. Friend lives 5 mins drive down the road, btw.

So at 11.15 I text to say brunch is off. At 11.21 he turns up with fiancee ringing the doorbell as though nothing has happened. No apology, nothing. I don't let him in. He keeps calling my mobile and eventually I pick up and say I won't see him because I think his behavior is unacceptable. He does the usual and refuses to accept any culpability and instead gives me two or three diff excuses (he put in the wrong post code in the GPS, a cousin came round unexpectedly before he set off etc etc).

He also said if I didn't see him I'd be upsetting his Fiancee and also they had gifts for the baby. I stood my ground and didn't see him. He eventually left the gifts outside and left.

So a) WIBU? and b) AIBU not to go to his wedding next month because I frankly don't have time for his BS anymore and consider the friendship over?

Bloody hell, you actually locked yourself inside and refused to see him?! When they were only 20 mins late?! When they were stood outside your house?! With a gift?!

Wow, I would not want to be your friend. Talk about obsessive! If you know he is always late, why on Earth could you not just put the kettle on and have a cuppa whilst you waited? Or get on with something else; you were at your home?!

Honestly OP, for the sake of your own wellbeing, you need to learn to chill out - and find some strategies for coping a bit better. You couldn't get ready for a visit from an old friend without your DP taking it in turns to hold the baby?

emmyrose2000

I agree with you.

It's so easy to make contact with people and give a message of running late. It's very wearing over time. We all have busy lives and unless he has a problem with organising himself, IMO people who run late/ cancel/ constantly reschedule have the belief that their time is way more important than yours.

Nah. YANBU. What sort of friend keeps someone who has cooked for them waiting 20 minutes? So rude. It also sounds like he has form for doing this. I don't think that someone who is constantly flaky is a good friend, as it shows that they have no respect for your time. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that selfish.

RebeccaCloud9 What on earth is the problem with having your partner hold the baby whilst you cook? As for taking it in turns, maybe the baby was fussy that day to be away from Mum. How do you translate that into 'not coping'?

I'm sure the OP is not at all bothered that you would not want to be her friend - not sounding really that friendly, are you?

There'll be plenty of times when you'll be late because of the baby, then toddler, then child. Believe me I've spent hours waiting in bars and restaurants waiting for friends with kids who turn up hours late or not at all due to some drama. Or gone to the trouble of making a great linch only for them to arrive late and say they can only stay half an hour due to some child based needs.

I don't have a hissy fit because shit happens and I've been late before due to tubes, work or just bloody life (including wanting a lie in yes).

Some friends I have to tell them kick off is 30 minutes earlier than everyone else because they are always late. No Big deal. Otherwise we start without them. No drama

So yes YABU especially over 20 minutes. Christ. Let's hope you are NEVER late to anything after this.

Your friendship has reached its conclusion. You may have good reasons for this or not but whatever it is, this friendship is over.

20 mins late for a brunch is nothing in my world. And I live in a world where people turn up on the dot of time.

You know what. I bet they were leaving the house then realised they hadn't wrapped up the presents. Dashed back in to do them and didn't want you to feel you werent top of mind so made up an excuse.

I was an hour late for Xmas dinner last year. Congratulated myself on being all organised with hosts kids gifts then went to leave realising they were unwrapped. Wrapped hastily. Missed train (every hour). Mentioned some nonsense about traffic rather than telling the truth and letting everyone know I'm an unorganised slob.

No one cared. Everyone was happily chatting and swilling wine in the sunshine. Thank fuck I didn't have friends who felt themselves so important that a delay meant they'd dump my friendship and leave me on the doorstep.

A new baby can make some things seem disproportionately important. At the same time, just because you have a new baby doesn't mean you have to suck everything up, but I would be a little concerned that you'll regret your response later. I can see that you're really irritated and I would find that really annoying too, but your response seems very all or nothing. I'd be more inclined to put in my own boundaries that Im comfortable with (like telling him you couldn't move the time when he suggested 11, only arranging to meet him at his house or doing something you would enjoy even when he wasn't there, so you can control when you turn up) rather than agreeing and then being unreasonably upset when he compounds it with fairly normal lateness. Have you ever sat down with him and asked him why he seems to mess you about so much?

Of course it can also be that the friendship has run its course. What is fun and acceptable in your early twenties can seem immature and selfish when you're older if you grow up a bit and he doesn't. You say he was fun, but is he still? Do you enjoy spending time with him when you do actually get together? Having a wide, diverse range of friends can be very rewarding, but only if you have the tolerance to cope with people who test your own norms sometimes.

I'm with you OP.

If he has this history of flakiness as you describe, he needed to know that there are consequences for pissing other people about, especially when you're adjusting to life with a new child.

Personally I'd be giving him his gifts back as well.

I dont blame you for not letting him in. Clearly this is one selfish individual you can do without. Life has plenty more assholes that will come your way without having to mollycoddle this muppet.

Aside from lateness, is there anything else that's geared up to you wanting to end this friendship?

It seems a bit diva like to cancel the brunch after 15 minutes, given that you had already prepared the food and it had to be eaten.

Irrelevant now though, you're no longer friends so it won't be a problem in the future. Congratulations on the new baby too!

I was gearing up to sympathise as detest flakiness. But 20 mins for an at home brunch wouldn't even register. Sorry but total overreaction I am cringing for you

Perhaps after this, he's thinking he would rather end the friendship too?

If you find his flakiness so annoying that you don't want to be friends any more that is your prerogative. I do think it's a bit extreme though to not let him in when he was on your doorstep with his fiancee and baby gifts, and you had prepared a meal! 20m late doesn't seem like a very big deal to me, I'd be less surprised by someone turning up 20m late than right on time!

You have known him 10 years then you should know him by now and except thats just who he is! You have put him off from coming to visit for 3months even though he lives 5mins away surly if he is that good a friend you could of let him in for 5mins or met him for a coffee! As for been 20mins late and not letting him in whats that all about(i hate lateness btw) you sound a bit flaky yourself.

Another one who 15 minutes wouldn't even register as late for.

There are going to be many times you are going to be late or need to rearrange with a child - child is ill, just got to sleep so don't want to wake up, thrown up all over themselves, taken ages to eat lunch, pooed themselves while potty training just as you are walking out the door, won't leave the house until you can find mr snuggles, etc etc

I hope that in once you have been late to meet friends a few time you will stick by your rules and defriend yourself

People are missing the point that he was only there after 20 minutes as the op texted at 15 minutes. Wonder how late he'd have been if she hadn't?

"nokidshere
If we are meeting somewhere else at say 2pm, we just tell her the table/whatever is booked for 12"

How does that work when she turns up? Is she aware she's 'late'? Do you confess?

And the op didn't let him in as she'd texted to say brunch was off.

He was only 20 mins late! Wow you are harsh. And are you going to accept the presents? I think you've treated them really really badly.

I'm fairly intolerant of flakiness and lateness but to cancel 11am Brunch at 11.15?
Get a grip!

He obviously lied about his excuses. Which disgusts me, that's nit a friend. Certainly anyone who regularly turns up late is someone who holds no respect for others and isn't worth the effort. No matter how fun they are, it's not worth dancing attendance on someone who can't be bothered in the main.
For a constantly changeable "friend" I wouldnt start cooking until they showed up. But I also stop making plans with people like that after about 3 instances of unnecessary switching or being late.

If this REALLY is the only issue here then why don't you just ask him to meet you 20 mins before you want to see him if it's that consistent?

Also, friends without kids will NEVER get how stressfus the logistics of making plans with a tiny baby can be. This is just a fact. What is also a fact is that once you have a toddler (and perhaps even another kid at some point in the future?) YOU may well be the one running 20 mins late.

Try not to sweat the small stuff OP

Have you ever told him how annoyed you get by the lateness? I can just picture him being oblivious to it and now thinking you've really gone over the top on something he wasn't even aware of being an issue.

People being late is annoying - I agree, but turning a friend away from your doorstep is incredibly rude

I have a flakey friend with whom I'm losing patience. In her case, she just doesn't show up to stuff, with no message or anything. THAT is rude. Your friend sounds a bit annoying, but not that bad.

To be honest, if I invited someone for 11 I would expect them to turn up sometime between then and 1130, not necessarily on the dot. It's not like catching a train where you need to be there at a certain time.

I have a friend who has always late, we give her a different time to the rest of us, so she is still late but only five instead of 45 minutes late!

I do think you have massively overreacted though. 15 mins? Seriously?