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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
AteRiri · 12/06/2017 03:17

I know what you meant OkPedro, and no, a 16 year old is not physically at her best to have a child.

And I understand what you're saying that just because someone is physically able doesn't mean they are ready. I agree with you. But going by OP's description of her daughter, the daughter seems mature enough and ready.

OkPedro · 12/06/2017 03:30

How can you say a 16 year old is not at their best for giving birth. Why do you think we get our periods so young?

AteRiri · 12/06/2017 03:33

OkPedro

Maternal age

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?
mimishimmi · 12/06/2017 06:19

I had my first at 24. To be honest I think it kept me out of trouble! At forty we've got the mortgage paid off, have travelled and I have restarted my career. Lots of people reach their late thirties having nearly pissed it all away before committing to a relationship/mortgage and then spend enormous sums on fertility treatments.

Original poster
Fab40nhy · 12/06/2017 06:52

Thank you for all of your responses, I haven't gone away, I've been carefully reading them all!!!

A lot of you have been asking when I had DD - I was 18 and for me, yes I would say it was far too soon and yes I did miss out on a lot. If I had my time again I would definitely wait until my 30s. I'm not trying to be an interfering mother here, I'm trying to make sure she doesn't make a similar mistake to the one I did. Yes she may be slightly older but the thought of history repeating itself here does worry me.

The last thing I want to do is upset DD and I appreciate that bursting her bubble is definitely not the right thing to do. I do think I need to find a way to chat with her though, in a casual way.....

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/06/2017 06:56

I think you're projecting. There is a massive difference between giving birth at 18 and 25.

Neutrogena · 12/06/2017 07:50

YANBU - tell her you are not ready to be a grandma yet and thus your priority will not be your grandchild.
You have a lot of living to do first before the inevitable childcare.
At least that way, she knows the scale of your commitment.

Loopytiles · 12/06/2017 07:55

I would be suggesting that should she have a DC but not get married to avoid going PT or SAH, due to the financial risks, and looking into childcare costs. Eg if her partner is the type to say "it's not worth you working, it doesn't cover the childcare costs" and wanting her to SAH she could find herself in a bad position in a few years.

MrsPorth · 12/06/2017 07:59

I understand OP but I still think yabu. There is an immense difference between your situation and giving birth to a planned child at 24/25.

Re childcare. She will hopefully be sensible enough to realise that a fortysomething grandparent probably won't be able to provide the same amount of practical support as a retired one. On the positive side, your daughter will never be in the position of juggling small children and frail parents, which is often what happens when successive generations put off parenthood to 35.

Loopytiles · 12/06/2017 08:05

I wouldn't make the chat "casual": your concerns are understandable and not casual. One can be honest and also supportive.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 12/06/2017 08:09

I waited until my 30s, which was my DH's choice not mine. We are now struggling with miscarriages and ttc. I wish wish wish we'd started earlier but I can't do anything about that now. I'd be supportive of your daughters wishes, she isn't that young.

BoredOnMatLeave · 12/06/2017 08:18

Me and DP started trying for DD when I was 23. I don't feel I am too young at all. I didn't tell DM as I think it's odd to tell anyone you are TTC. We still go away and do fun things, just with DD! Honestly I do not feel any strain on our relationship/financially or feel any loss of freedom, I feel complete.

My DM and DD have a lovely relationship, I would have been very upset if she had been so negative about the idea of me having a baby. DM went on and on about having DD so I let her have her 1 day a week. I am very confused at posters saying you will become inevitable childcare. If DM turned around and said she doesn't want to ever have DD again it wouldn't bother me.

tiba · 12/06/2017 08:22

I'm 32 and still enjoy a night out and holidays with DP.
We are having a baby.

We wanted a baby together.
I wish I had met him wads ago so I would have had a baby younger as it's been a real struggle getting pregnant in the first place

ThatsNotMyMummy · 12/06/2017 08:23

My mum told me I was too young, (I was already pregnant and 26). The truth was she wasn't ready to be a grandma. The difference in her between my 1st and my sisters 1st was huge. With me it was a "she's made her bed, lie in it" attitude whilst my sister she played the doting grandmother.

The truth was she wasn't ready. I've never forgiven her, she's not close to my kids. She's missed a lot. Don't be her.

Talk to your daughter about realities but honestly, this isn't your decision. Ultimately these will be your future grand kids, so tread carefully.

startrek90 · 12/06/2017 08:23

Yabu I was married, had my own house and emigrated at 23. My pfb followed soon after and now at the age of 26 I have had my second. Your daughter sounds like she is sorted.

Babywearinggeek · 12/06/2017 08:35

YABU. I got married at 21 and had my DS at 23. DD is 2 weeks old now and I'm 24. We have very little money to spare each month (although we have just bought our first home) and quite honestly our kids are the best thing that ever happened to us. We'd rather be tired and skint and have 'the burden of responsibility' than any stupid nights out or weekends away. That means nothing in the long run. Our kids aren't an inconvenience, they make everything more fun. When I'm 80 years old I really doubt I'll be saying "oh I wish I'd had a weekend away in Brighton instead of having my kids young." You're definitely projecting your own feelings and experience onto her.. By the time we are in our 40's our kids will be grown up! We can do all the carefree stuff and enjoy ourselves kid free but probably with much better incomes (and therefore much swankier holidays 😜) and a world more life experience.

CheeseQueen · 12/06/2017 09:30

I was 18 and for me, yes I would say it was far too soon and yes I did miss out on a lot. If I had my time again I would definitely wait until my 30s. I'm not trying to be an interfering mother here, I'm trying to make sure she doesn't make a similar mistake to the one I did

In her 20s, that's her choice to make though, isn't it? Sounds like she's in a good place financially and emotionally and in a stable relationship - you can't project what you feel you should or shouldn't have done when you were younger.

peachgreen · 12/06/2017 11:23

I'm 32 and pregnant with my first. DH is 40. We look at his sister and her friends, who all had kids in their early to mid 20s, and are so envious that now, in their mid 40s, they've got their freedom back, they earn good money, they're going on lovely holidays, have heaps of friends and incredibly active social lives etc etc. DH will be 60 before our kids leave home!

If I'd met DH younger I would absolutely have had kids in my mid-20s. I think it's more about the person than the timing.

mrssapphirebright · 12/06/2017 11:35

Your post could've been written by my mother years ago. She too was worried that I was too young to settle down. Married exh at 21, owned own home at 22 and was pregnant at 23 - ds born when i was 24.

My mum was married with dc young and said all the things that you have mentioned.

I went on to have another dc at 26. i think having kids is hard work whatever age you are, and yes, you miss out on stuff and money is tight etc. I don't see how this was more so the case compared to a lot of my friends who had babies in their 30's and 40's! I am 40 now and my best friend who is the same age is pregnant. She is now missing out on the weekends away, nights out etc that I am having. Its swings and roundabouts.

My mortgage will be paid off in 7 years and I remained in my job / career when my dc were young, going back full time 5 years ago. I have more spare cash now when they were young and the freedom to enjoy life.

Even though I am no longer married to my dc's dad, we are very amicable and co-parent well. I can see how marrying young was risky, but even still, I have no regrets.

If your daughter has her head screwed on there shouldn't be a problem.

PonderLand · 12/06/2017 11:45

I had my baby at 24 last year, i still go on nights out as my DP will look after him, I work part time in the same job and we own a home. I think your daughter is in a brilliant position to have a baby young. Many people wait until 30's to have a child due to their financial and work situation, it doesn't seem that your daughter has them issues so I'd stay quiet. It may take a year until she conceives then 9 months of pregnancy, she could be 25-26 when it happens.

It sounds like you two have a brilliant relationship as she's told you she is trying to conceive. I'd never tell my mum that as she has a negative spin on every single thing I say. If you make this a negative time for her then you may find she won't be as honest in future. Just relax a bit! It will be fine. Grin

MargaretCavendish · 12/06/2017 13:44

I'm 32 and pregnant with my first. DH is 40. We look at his sister and her friends, who all had kids in their early to mid 20s, and are so envious that now, in their mid 40s, they've got their freedom back, they earn good money, they're going on lovely holidays, have heaps of friends and incredibly active social lives etc etc.

This, of course, assumes that those who have children in their early 20s will be earning the same at 40 as those who wait until their 30s. Anecdotally there are plenty of young parents who do just that, but statistically that's not the case, on average: for women, in particular, the damage that such an early interruption to a career causes is hard to come back from.

peachgreen · 12/06/2017 13:53

@MargaretCavendish I'd love to see those stats - do you have a source? (Not being goady - it might make me feel better about being older parents!)

MargaretCavendish · 12/06/2017 14:02

Peach: phys.org/news/2016-04-women-children-minimizes-career-income.html. I've read other things to this effect, too. I think there are probably some confounding factors, here though - it might be that women who have children earlier are less career-driven in the first place.

ChubbyMummy12 · 12/06/2017 14:20

I had my ds when I was 18, that was young, I had my dd when I was 23. I found it much easier because I was much more mature and grown up, and me and their dad are now married. She's 23 with her own home and her partner. She'll be fine, it's honestly not too young at all.

MissDuke · 12/06/2017 14:28

I was married and pregnant at 23. We have no regrets at all. We now have three children, I retrained and have a great career and we really do have all we want in life. I wouldn't change a thing about my life Smile

It is lovely your dd felt able to discuss this with you. I would try hard to not project your feelings on to her, don't ruin the great relationship you seem to have.