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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
MissDuke · 12/06/2017 14:29

Sorry I should add we are not well off by MN standards, I just mean we have all we need for us, our standards are much lower than most from what I read on here Grin However we are very happy.

Neutrogena · 12/06/2017 14:43

BabywearingGeek
We'd rather be tired and skint and have 'the burden of responsibility' than any stupid nights out or weekends away

Sounds a bad deal to me....

It's six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Statistically, your children have better life chances when born by older mothers, but each to their own.
There is no 'right or wrong' in this.

peachgreen · 12/06/2017 15:22

MargaretCavendish Very interesting, thank you! I wonder if there's a UK study? Agreed that there are probably compounding factors. I'm not career-driven at all (!), but have had to wait until this age to start a family as I hadn't met the right person yet. So my opinion is definitely biased!

peachgreen · 12/06/2017 15:23

Especially as I had a MMC and struggled to conceive, and wonder how big an impact my age had on that.

MargaretCavendish · 12/06/2017 15:37

That study says there hasn't been much other work on the impact of the timing of motherhood, rather than just the impact of motherhood itself on earnings. Since Denmark has more affordable childcare than the UK and a higher proportion of mothers who return to work, you'd expect the impact to be even bigger in the UK, though obviously I'm just guessing there.

I'm sure I'm being over-defensive - same motivations as you, but opposite reaction! I've recently had a third miscarriage and am waiting for tests before (hopefully) TTC again. I haven't really much blamed my age (I'm only in my early 30s and have seen plenty of women much older than me have children without nearly so much trouble) but maybe I am over-defensive about the idea that it would have been 'better' if I'd had babies at 23. I know that 23 year old me would have been absolutely horrified at the idea, and I do think that for me personally it would have meant missing out on an awful lot that means and has meant a great deal to me.

peachgreen · 12/06/2017 15:55

Margaret That makes perfect sense and apologies if I pushed your buttons. For me, big swathes of my 20s were a waste of time as I was in a really bad relationship - that's definitely colouring my view here and I apologise for that. I think essentially what we're establishing is that it's different for different people!

I'm so sorry for your losses. I agree that early 30s isn't old to be having children, it's more my DH that I'm thinking about. I really hope your test results are okay and your next TTC is successful.

MiaZadora · 12/06/2017 15:56

You are not being unreasonable. She should enjoy her 20s. Or if she has a child it should at least be after the 'romance' certainty and commitment of a man who wants to get married. Having a baby with a decade-older dp, id be very upsrt if it were my dd. Good luck OP

MoreProseccoNow · 12/06/2017 16:43

I was living with my partner at 23 in a stable 5-year relationship, had a mortgage, secure jobs.

Thank God we didn't TTC as I was spectacularly immature! We eventually split up when I was 29.

I feel sad I wasted my 20's on him, and didn't experience life out with that narrow range, but I'm so glad I didn't have DC with him.

Very few of my friends are still with the partner they had in their early 20's, now in our 40's.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 12/06/2017 16:56

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Of course all you are hearing from other posters is about how they had their children in their early twenties and it was great etc. People are less likely to say that they had children too young and regret it so much. You read plenty of very unhappy young mothers on here posting about their lives. Her partner could be an influence given that he has already had 9 extra years of living his adult life and is ready to settle down.

I think 23 is very young. At that age most people are just finished their undergrad degree and deciding whether to travel, continue to study, work etc. I would be concerned too if it were my child and would advise them against it. That's the part that's difficult, trying to advise them without seeming like you are interfering or criticising their choices.

Does she earn enough to support herself or is her partner the main earner?

purplevamp · 12/06/2017 17:24

23 is not young. I was 21 when I had my first child. He was a surprise baby! At least your DD is settled. You should support her in her decision as what she needs will be her Mum by her side, even though she has a partner. Smile

Lallypop · 12/06/2017 17:30

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that's she's not ready when she clearly is.

Oldwiseone · 12/06/2017 17:32

She sounds sensible and mature. I bet she will make a wonderful mother!

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 12/06/2017 17:33

YABU. I was married at 21 and had my DS at 23. If my DM 'warned' me I was far too young, I'd tell her to mind her own business and butt out. I hope your daughter would tell you to do the same.

elmo1990 · 12/06/2017 17:35

Sorry but yabu. I was married at 22, pregnant at 23 (dd was born when I was 24) and at 27 pregnant with #2. Wouldn't change a thing even if I did abandon applying to do my masters due to timing of #2 but there's always next year

HappyLollipop · 12/06/2017 17:39

YABU, im 24 and expecting my first child next month, yes I'm fairly young (I'm the youngest at my NCT class!) but I'm also an adult plus not everyone wants to wait until their 30s to start having kids!

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 12/06/2017 17:40

I apologise OP, I pressed post before I read your update. I understand that you want to be tactful, but to be honest, it is her life and if she's ready to settle down and start a family now, there isn't much you can do to persuade her otherwise.

Me personally, I'm glad I had my son when I was younger. I'm coming up to 32 now, my DH is nearly 35. We've discussed having another child after I miscarried last January, and have decided if it happens, great, if not, I won't dwell on it. I've just retrained and about to qualify in a new career that I've worked hard for. My learning curve is now, I'm happily settled and so pleased I had my son younger :)

lozzylizzy · 12/06/2017 17:42

I was 23 when I had my first, he is now 9 and I have two more. 23 isn't too young. I thought you was going to say she was 18 (which I am still sure she would be a brilliant mother) but obviously straight out of school so I could see your concern.

Butt out and be happy for her!

Headofthehive55 · 12/06/2017 17:42

It's the best time medically, and the least chance of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities.
The younger you are the more likely that you will see your child reach adulthood.
Having met several women now with cancer in their 40s who had chikdren in their thirties still have young dependant chikdren whilst they are ill.

K00kie · 12/06/2017 17:42

I disagree with most posters and think YANBU. If you have a good relationship with your daughter, you should be able to talk to her about it without being interfering. What better person to discuss motherhood with that your own mother? Don't try to dissuade her from having a baby - although 23 is very young - just make sure that she fully realises what having a baby really means and how it will completely change her life. In my experience, few people do until the reality of parenthood bangs them hard on the head.

And you're certainly NBU if her having a baby and yet enjoying life and nights out means that you will be the one babysitting.

A heartfelt mother-daughter conversation about bug things in life can only be a good thing.

RevEm · 12/06/2017 17:42

I was 22 when I had my daughter....gosh, that's a fairly normal age to be having children.

At that age she is old enough to make her own decisions...

Henrythehoover · 12/06/2017 17:42

Yabu I had my three children at 22, 25 and 28 and was sterilized at 29. I don't have any regrets having them young.

Dianag111 · 12/06/2017 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K00kie · 12/06/2017 17:44

Big things, not bug things. Is MN ever going to let us correct typos?

Cuppaoftea · 12/06/2017 17:48

I had my eldest at 24 and my youngest at 34. Physically pregnancy and recovering from childbirth was so much easier in my 20s. I bounced straight back and had much more energy!

I don't see 23 as that young to start a family and it's your daughter's decision to make with her partner.

Wanda354 · 12/06/2017 17:49

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU to have deep reservations about this but YWBU to voice them as such to your DD.

I got married at 24 to a man quite a bit older than me, and was pregnant not long after. My parents say (now) that they were horrified when I told them first that I wanted to get married and then, that I was pregnant so young. I don't recall them saying so at the time but even if they had, it would not have changed my mind.

I had a great education, and good career prospects. I can't explain now why I wanted to have kids so young. I can't say that I regret it, of course, but I do regret having done it so young.

On the plus side, I was still young enough to qualify into a professional job by the time my DC went to school. On the downside, I did so as a divorced single mother. The arrival of our first baby showed me aspects of my ex-H's character that I had not appreciated before. I honestly think I was too young to have had enough life/relationship experience by 24 (we'd been together 3 years by then) to evaluate what sort of father and husband ex-H would be.

If any of my friends had questioned me at the time about why I wanted to get married and have children so young in such a hurry, I think it would have made me think about the answer more than if my parents had. Are you close enough to any of DD's friends to find it from them what's driving her? Better that than tell her directly that you don't approve, which may drive her away.

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