Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 11/06/2017 23:35

Is this the same returning troll who posted a strikingly similar scenario earlier this evening?

VoteMe · 11/06/2017 23:35

.

Enidblyton1 · 11/06/2017 23:41

I'd feel the same in your position, but I don't think you can say anything. She had to make her own choices in life. She may end up regretting having children so young, but equally it could be brilliant.

ArchieStar · 11/06/2017 23:44

@Alisvolatpropiis I thought that.

Kokusai · 11/06/2017 23:52

I thought my friend was MAD when she tried for a baby at 22 on purpose. She had a good job, long term DP and a mortgage. I though of all the fun things she could be doing.

Anyway 10 years later and I see that it was actually so awesome - she had loads of energy for the babyhears and now they are a young and fit family and do loads of outdoor stuff together (she has a 10 and 8 year old) plus she is under 35 and her kids are now no trouble etc.

When she is 45 she will basically have finished with children and have lots of time to do anything she feels she missed out on. Not that she feels she did.

CheeseQueen · 12/06/2017 00:08

When she is 45 she will basically have finished with children and have lots of time to do anything she feels she missed out on.

Exactly, surely your twenties are the best time to have kids? (In my opinion, and obviously assuming you easily can.)
Not a teenager fresh out of school, got a house, got a stable relationship and good jobs. Sounds pretty set up to me.
I had mine mid twenties. Stable relationship of years, bought a house, then got married. Then had kids. When I'm mid 40s they'll be heading for late teens.
Definitely not planning on having any more so that leaves me "free" to do any travelling I may or may not have missed out on in my twenties.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/06/2017 00:20

Archie this is just a toned down version with an aged up dd and no mention of losses but otherwise identical?

ArchieStar · 12/06/2017 00:37

@Alisvolatpropiis yeah... and OP hasn't come back since other thread started. Hmmm. OP, if you are real I hope you have realised you're being U and have hidden the thread.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 12/06/2017 01:00

I love that all so many of the replies saying YABU are from people who also had their children young.Read the boards though and see how many marriages do not last and in your 20s you become a single mother.Loving your children does not make life easier.I hope all of you YABU posters are married and happily stay so.

CheeseQueen · 12/06/2017 01:30

I love that all so many of the replies saying YABU are from people who also had their children young.Read the boards though and see how many marriages do not last and in your 20s you become a single mother.

I'm one of the ones who posted saying I had my kids in my twenties.
Been with dh since in my late teens and bought a house and got married and then had kids.
Been together over 20 years thank you, so it doesn't always stand to reason that you become a single mother in your twenties if you have babies then. Hmm
Who's to say the OP's dd isn't the same?!

CheeseQueen · 12/06/2017 01:35

I'd see your point if your dd was in their teens and wanted babies.
In their twenties though, they're an adult with their own choices and you have to respect that and not force your own beliefs and wishes on them.

OlennasWimple · 12/06/2017 01:40

You can't get involved in this without BU, except to flag up the potential vulnerabilities of being an unmarried mother. Whether you want to encourage her to get married before having a baby is rather dependent on the particular circumstances

agnesf · 12/06/2017 01:42

YANBU but you might have a hard time persuading your DD about this. Its almost impossible to imagine how full on parenting can be when you are living the single life.

There are arguments for and against - I had my DCs late in life and found myself envying those younger mums who had more energy than me and now, at 45 are child free. But on the other hand age brings wisdom and experience so could equip you better to deal with the bumpy road of parenthood.

I think that if its possible you need to have a balanced conversation with her about the pros and cons. And then make it clear to her that whatever she decides you will still love her and support her as best you can.

AteRiri · 12/06/2017 02:08

She's at the prime age for having a baby, biologically.

CountessYgritte · 12/06/2017 02:16

Keep quiet. It isn't your business, it is rather churlish of you and you are inflicting your subjective view of how you felt when YOU HAD HER upon her your settled and stable daughter.

I can't imagine she will pay you any notice even if you do say something but she may resent your words and be hurt by them. Then when she becomes pregnant those words will be like the elephant in the room. Your unspoken disappointment that she is to be a mother, you a grandmother. She will not forget your opinion of children as burdens and your view that she was too young and immature? Silly? Irresponsible? Inadequate? to have a baby then.

CountessYgritte · 12/06/2017 02:19

HOTHEAD - WTF? No. I was an old mum with an old partner. We are broke,exhausted and unhappy. I think things would be much easier if we'd had babies 10 yrs earlier. Age is not a guarantee of family success.

LilyMcClellan · 12/06/2017 02:24

YANBU to feel however you feel. But YWBU to try to 'talk her around' to what you feel is best for her life. Because it's her life.

If she and her partner have decided to try for a baby, they will likely be feeling excited and loved-up about it. Any attempts to suggest that she might not be ready for a baby, or that she might be being unduly led in that direction by her partner are likely to be received very poorly.

The best you can do is receive her news with warmth and interest, and use that as an opportunity to chat to her in a general, non-confrontational/leading way about the ways you imagine her life might change. You may be surprised about how she feels, or the kind of consideration she's given it. Or, she may realise of her own accord that there are a lot of things she hasn't thought through, and began that process herself.

So, not "Don't you think you'll miss not being able to go on holiday?" but "Do you think you'll want to travel with your kids, or will you take it easy for the first few years?"

Not "How will you afford childcare?" or "Aren't you afraid you'll waste your education?" but "How long do you think you might take for maternity leave? How about Bob, is he going to take any?" or "What sort of childcare do you think you'll choose? What are the costs like on that these days?"

OkPedro · 12/06/2017 02:31

I agree with you op if I could turn back time I'd wait till I was at least 30 to have children. There's so much life has to offer and having a baby isn't always the "icing on the cake"
I have two nieces that are late teens, I have begged them to go see the world, enjoy being young free and single.

OkPedro · 12/06/2017 02:32

ateriri 16 year olds are at the prime age for having children too

AteRiri · 12/06/2017 02:44

ateriri 16 year olds are at the prime age for having children too

Actually, no.

AteRiri · 12/06/2017 02:46

I'm in my late 30s and no kids. I'm not really yearning for kids. But if I am, and I could turn back time, I'd do it in my 20s.

Anyway, not saying YABU OP. Just saying the biologically, this is the best time for a woman to have a baby because chances are, she is still very healthy and no known co-morbids.

newbian · 12/06/2017 02:57

23 is not so young if she's in a solid financial place and a good relationship, but as a mother I would encourage my daughter in such a situation to be married before having a child with someone.

AvaCrowder2 · 12/06/2017 02:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OkPedro · 12/06/2017 03:00

But they are physically at their best for having children ateriri that's what I meant. Just because someone is physically able doesn't mean they are ready

user1497225361 · 12/06/2017 03:08

I can understand where you are coming from and that you just want your daughter to have the best life possible. Could you just casually mention your concerns or somehow drop it into conversation if it helps settle your mind? Having a baby doesn't mean the end of her enjoying life, and when she does maybe you could support her by offering to babysit every now and then so she can enjoy a rare night out?! I've recently had my first baby at 31 years old, and it has opened a whole new (best ever) chapter of my life... I wish it had begun sooner