Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

I'd have the same worries, for me it would be the age, lack of marriage and the relatively short relationship. Plus the younger they are, the more they expect others to babysit I've found so that they can continue their social lives.

YABVU I got pregnant at 20. By choice! With my partner of 7 years. You are being very judgemental to assume young mums only have children by accident.

I did it the other way round dc1 at 36 and dc2 at 41 though I wouldn't change it I really wish I had the energy I did at 23. Being 47 with a 6 year old can be hard work and I'll be 59 when he's 18. I also had a lot of complications with pregnancy being an older mother -23 is pretty much a perfect age in terms of the physical aspects of pregnancy. No time is perfect each has its pros and cons but there is a lot to be said for being young.

And for the record, my DD is 2 and I have only ever asked grandparents to babysit twice, yes twice! Once was my mum looking after her for 45 minutes while I got my hair cut and then a year later my MiL babysit her for less than a day while I had an operation. So poster above YABVU to assume young people just palm off their kids to go partying. I'm a Uni student and have gone out for drinks maybe 3 times since DD was born, all of these times OH looked after her and I was back around midnight

*When I was 25 I rang my mum rather upset as I'd thought I was pregnant with my then-DH, and it'd turned out I wasn't. My mum told me abruptly she hoped I wasn't sorry as I was far too young.

Since then I have had four miscarriages and have been diagnosed with various fertility problems.*

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm in my early 30s, have had three miscarriages recently and I'm going to start investigations into why that is. It's horrible. But I'm still glad I didn't have a baby at 23, and in particular I'm glad that I didn't have a baby with the man I thought was the love of my life (we'd been together for five years) when I was 23.

YABU.

I'm 23 and so is my DH and we are ttc atm. It is looking like I may have fertility problems too so it's good to catch them earlier if we want kids rather than later when your chances of conceiving greatly reduce.

We haven't told a soul that we are ttc. I didn't know that people did?? I would be worried about a barrage of negativivity from my parents though which is one strong reason not to mention it!!

And we are in a much less favourable position than your DD lol - we are married and both graduates, and DH works FT but on a low-income and job-seeking as we are relocating soon, I'm currently under-employed and job-seeking, I'm disabled, we and are in private rented accommodation and yet to sort housing for when we move...

My DSis did it the way your DD wants to. She went back to uni at the same time as her eldest and now is a professional international sportswoman traveling round the world.

My reaction would be the same as yours because it's different to my way. But (I hope) if my DDs got pregnant young I think I'd just try and be pleased to be a younger granny.

She's young, but not too young. Up to her.

However I would VERY MUCH urge her to get married before they have a baby. This board is full of regretful women who didn't.

Have kids earlier and enjoy your forties. Have kids later and enjoy your twenties. Swings and roundabouts.

it was nice of your daughter to come and tell you but they have decided now is right for them so you will just have to support them in this part of their life

If DD is 23, has a good job, is in a steady relationship and has bought a house, I'd say she sounds pretty mature and switched on.

There's always reasons why every age, stage of life, isn't the optimal one to start a family - too old, too young, not earning enough, still renting, no childcare etc etc. I don''t think many people would have children if things had to be just right.

My DD was 29 when she had her DD. She still loves nights out and a drink but is prepared to not have many because she has a young child and doesn't have any family living within easy babysitting range. I'd say the joy that DGD brings to her parents easily makes any reduction in social life and disposable income worth it a million times over. And I'm happy to get on a train to babysit if DD&DSIL need a night out/weekend away. It's a trek but so worth it to spend quality time with DGD while giving her parents a bit of time to themselves.

It sounds like your DD is responsible enough and ready to try for a baby. And honestly I don't think anything can prepare you for the arrival of a baby and all that goes with it, no matter what age you are.

Rainbows they've been together 3 years, not 3 months! Is that really a 'short relationship'?

I had my DD1 when I had just turned 20. She was a contraception failure and I had already split from her Dad when I found out I was pregnant.
I met DH when I was 22 and was upfront with the fact that now I had DD1 I didn't want my child rearing days to span decades and I wanted to find someone who was ready to settle down and have a family. We had DD2 when I was 23, and then another DC at 27 and our last at 29.
We are now mid 30s and with all the kids in school we still feel young and have plenty of freedom! It was definitely not the end of our lives.. We still have so much ahead of us and we both are happy we decided go have our kids young.

If I'd been in a long term, happy and secure relationship with someone mature enough to want DC at 23, I'd have done it.

(Well I probably wouldn't, but knowing what I do now I would have wished I had!).

Seriously, I'd she feels ready why not? And by the time she's my age (early 40s) her DC will be independent and she can go on weekends away etc all she likes. Unlike me who has 3 primary age DC still.

Also I established my career but couldn't manage it with dc so stepped back. Have DC young, build experience in lesser roles and be ready to go when they hit secondary age in your 30s - still got 30 years of career left.

23, good jobs, a stable relationship and a house?
Blimey, I thought you were going to say she was 16 or something.
At 23 she's an adult. Butt out.

If they want a baby that's there choice. I have never found my 2 a burden, they have made my life a infinitely better. I was 26 with my first but we were trying to conceive a while. I'm sure she has thought of responsibility. 23 seems a fine age to me. I don't think children takes away anything. You may do things a bit differently but for me I know my children and the family I have made with my husband is the best thing in my life far above any travel, jobs etc....

I had my first DC at 23 and am now pregnant with what I imagine will be my last, at 31. And I'm glad it will be the last time, to be honest! By comparison my SIL has just had her first at 36. I don't envy her being just at the start of it with 13 years on me.

However, she owns a house and has 15 years+ of a steady career under her belt, I have worked consistently but with maternity breaks and have still managed to vaguely progress in my field, but I rent and no big figure salary. I think, for different reasons, we are both very very happy with our lot at the moment!

YABU OP, 23 is not 'too young'. Maybe only by a very arbitrary societal measure.

I understand what your saying but in this instance, would she even listen? By all means you could let her know your thoughts but be ready for her to ignore and do what she thinks. Motherhood is hard an I totally appreciate what your asking but I'm not convinced it would do any good.

Yabu. My husband and had been together for 2 months when we decided to ttc. We got married the date we'd been together for 11 months. When our baby was born we'd been together a year and a half. I was 21 when I got married and 22 when my baby was born. He was early 30's.
People said about how quick it was. He was in minimum wage, I was a student. We were in a rented flat. But we wanted it and we made it work.
They sound like they have way more than we did. It's their choice

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but you'll have to let her get on with it.

I personally wouldn't want my daughter to have a child before marriage, due to the lack of financial security.

That's just my view and expression from the way round I think it should be done.

There are so many women who do this and then when they have a child and marriage becomes a talk of the past, they become disappointed and feel stuck.

If my daughter told me she was going to try for a baby in this situation, I'd let her know my view, but it's ultimately her choice.

I'm going to go against the odds here, but YANBU. Whilst I'd support my daughter through anything, deep down I wouldn't be best pleased if she wanted a baby at 23.

I would feel the same. I would be very very careful how to express it though. You can't interfere when she is an independent adult but you could have a general conversation about how a child does have a fairly big impact on a relationship and on women's working lives.

I think you - and any of her friends - should tell her the exact legal consequences of staying at home or putting her career on the back burner after having a child if she is not married to her partner. It could have a huge effect on her earning capacity and pension prospects and none at all on his.

I'm 20, my partner is 34.

If someone told me not to have my baby because of the impact on MY life I think I would throttle them.

Her body, her life, her relationship, her baby, her choice!!!

Why the hell do you have ANY reason to think your opinion matters if she hasn't asked for it?

If my mother had to pay for anything in my life, then yes, it impacts her life and her opinion would matter - but I'm completely independent. You need to see that your daughter is the same.

So suck it up, be supportive OR leave! If you don't want to be part of this lovely new chapter in her life, no one is making you. But don't you dare for a second make her miss out on anything.

Against the grain here but IMHO YANBU.

Actually OP I am on your side here. I would advise against having children so young and can't understand why anyone would want to or would advise anyone to. What's the rush? Plenty of time for all that, why not just enjoy her twenties?!

I say that as someone who has been married for 3 years, owns their own home, both myself and my husband have good careers and are about to turn 28. We are enjoying having disposable income and all the free time we have before we consider a baby in another few years!