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Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
DorotheaBeale · 10/06/2017 11:31

I agree guests should be fed, as a matter of courtesy. It's also practical; many are probably already on the way, and trying to contact all of them to stop them would be a nightmare. Better to focus on cancelling things like registrar, photographer, etc.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 10/06/2017 11:32

babbity I read that, I was just thinking in case OP meant the couple as opposed to parents? It doesn't really change anything either way.

There's a How I Met Your Mother episode when Lily comes back to Marshall and freaks about having to call the family and say the wedding is back on, with little regaurd how he dealt with calling it off (not cancelled on the day, that happens to Ted a lot later). Seems prescient.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:32

Practically, I think what I would do is:

  • get a list of the guests. Work out who absolutely must be phoned (rather than messaged) and assign someone appropriate to call them. I'm thinking close family members and any other members of the wedding party in particular. Send a mass text to everyone else asap. Sure, a phonecall would be nice but unless it's a small wedding it's better to get the message out asap so people don't get ready and travel. Alternatively do a sort of phone tree, so call a few key people and get them to relay the message to others

-tell the hotel - they can stop preparing the food/rooms and get someone out front to greet and guests or suppliers who haven't got the message in time. Might be worth seeing if they can still provide a meal for any guests who do turn up

-call the photographer, videographer, celebrant, florist, any musicians/djs and let them know it's off. If there are any cars or other transport booked let them know too.

-Get the bride out of there to somewhere quiet and away from the fuss. You're her friend, look after her. The groom will have his friends and family taking care of him.

therootoftheroot · 10/06/2017 11:35

I can't believe how many people are saying how brave she is. She is a selfish, drama queen bitch!

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:36

She has called off a wedding because she doesn't want to do it. That's her choice.

It's not a reason to wish painful infertility on her. That makes you a vile person. It's a relationship break up, a messy one, but that's all it is. Happens every day.

And maybe "Get married, have babies, live happily ever after" isn't her dream, at least not right now. It's not what every woman dreams of.

Notonthestairs · 10/06/2017 11:36

She really can't go to NY if they've been living together- it will leave him sorting through all that sort of stuff on his tod. If they live together she needs to stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks but be available if the groom needs or wants to talk through stuff.
Calling off the wedding is the right thing to do, vanishing to protect herself from the fallout is not.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 11:37

MissEDashwood
I agree feed the people who are there, but there will be extras.

Can you even comprehend how the groom, both parents, others associated feel. They must be horrified.

Yes they must be, and sorting out food on the day they they have been dumped will be one less thing to worry about.

At least this way even if they don't eat it, they will be able to plate stuff up to pick at.

Then at the end of the day they can send the rest off to the homeless shelter,

Nicknacky · 10/06/2017 11:37

Has she organised an ESTA?

SoupDragon · 10/06/2017 11:39

She has called off a wedding because she doesn't want to do it. That's her choice.

And now she needs to Woman up and sort the shit out, not run away to NY leaving everyone else to do it.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:39

It's braver to call it off now than to go ahead with a sham marriage.

I'm really not comfortable with how many people are calling a woman they have never met a bitch for choosing not to enter in to what is supposed to be a life long commitment just so that there's no inconvenience to anyone else. The groom will be hurt either way as if she doesn't want to be married it won't last, except if she went ahead they'd have to go through the long time and hassle of getting divorced.

therootoftheroot · 10/06/2017 11:40

If anyone did this to one of my sons , I would hunt them down and kill them.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 11:40

No you wouldn't theroot. What a ridiculous thing to say.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2017 11:41

Practically, I'd let her sort out the mess she made. Can't believe so many people find this behaviour 'brave' and she needs 'support'. If this were a man who did this he'd be incinerated.

SoupDragon · 10/06/2017 11:42

I'm really not comfortable with how many people are calling a woman they have never met a bitch for choosing not to enter in to what is supposed to be a life long commitment just so that there's no inconvenience to anyone else.

She's dropped this bombshell and is fucking off to NY. That makes her a bitch.

I can't help feeling no one would be standing up for a groom in the reverse situation.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 11:42

StatisticallyChallenged

I would only use the word "brave" if she stays and sorts out the mess that she has made..

What she shouldn't do is leave it for the "groom" and his/her friends to deal with.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:43

She's booked a flight to NY TOMORROW

What good will her being here do, at that point. The wedding's been cancelled so there will be no physical clearing up or sorting out to do - that will all happen today.

The guests and family will already know by then

Presumably she and the groom live together, so going away for a bit will give them both some space and probably allow them to work out living arrangements for her return (i.e. who is moving out and where to) without being under each others feet.

Going away makes a lot of sense IMO

ProudBadMum · 10/06/2017 11:43

soup if a man did this there would be suggestions of another woman, he would be called a coward, a cunt etc

MrsKoala · 10/06/2017 11:44

I would say if anyone deserved to go off to New York it was the groom. She should pay for his flight and stay and sort it all out.

I was in a similar situation with ExH. We both had doubts which we hadn't discussed. We had our wedding and after a year divorced online. It cost £300 and was no drama at all. We told people and they said 'oh dear how sad' and didn't think anymore of it. If either of us had have done it on the day i think the reaction would have been completely different and it would have been much worse for us. (we divorced over one wanting dc and one not - we did love each other but in reality we had wasted so long with each other i think we felt we couldn't back out)

I have been to 3 weddings where the couple have divorced within a year. i still think for them marrying was better than being abandoned on the day for someone to fly off to New York!

sonjadog · 10/06/2017 11:45

Wanting to run away from a mess like this is a very human response. I wouldn't judge her for booking a flight. Presumably she isn't going for good and a short space where everyone can process the shock may not be a bad thing.

ferriswheel · 10/06/2017 11:46

Speaking as someone who is getting divorced she is very, very brave.

worridmum · 10/06/2017 11:46

I hope when she finds someone she wants to marry I hope they do exactly this to them that is karma

SoupDragon · 10/06/2017 11:49

What good will her being here do, at that point.

Yeah, there will be absolutely nothing to sort out tomorrow, nothing at all Hmm

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:49

And yes, I'd feel the same it it was a reversed situation.

Obviously if it was someone close and their fiance called off on the morning of the wedding I'd have an emotional reaction to it, feel sorry for them, support them, probably join them in swearing and calling them a bastard at the time. But that's very different to a stranger, outside of the situation, calling some unknown woman a bitch and wishing infertility on her.

But for all I would be there for the dumped one, I would still think it was better to call it off than to go through with it knowing it wouldn't last as you didn't want to be married, and when my hypothetical friend was ready to hear it I'd probably say that it was better that she didn't have to divorce the bugger.

MrsJamin · 10/06/2017 11:49

I think this thread is probably pretty redundant now. OP is probably going through everything with the ex-bride and various family members and won't be bothering the read through a hundred odd messages since the last time she posted. Whoever wish infertility on the woman deserves a Biscuit, horrid attitude. OP just asked for practical advice not all this emotional stuff. Although making the bride have to deal with the practical stuff too rather than swanning off to NYC is what should be happening, I agree.

Notonthestairs · 10/06/2017 11:50

Statisticallychallenged - I see your point but leaving for America tomorrow shuts down any opportunities for the groom to talk to her face to face in the next few days (he might not want to of course but if he does I think she owes him that).
She can clear off for a few days to give him space but she doesn't need to go to New York to achieve that.