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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
MissEDashwood · 10/06/2017 11:12

So suggesting say the evening buffet that has been prepped, goes to a homeless shelter is oh so evil, when a woman has crushed a guys heart and stomped on it in designer shoes, to add further insult and injury to the groom.

I really hope they have insurance.

I'm thinking there must be a third party no one knows about.

My first BF was skittish about commitment, he's now married with children. So the 'she just isn't the settling down type!' I'm actually proud of my first BF that he GREW UP to realise there was more to life. His wife is gorgeous, their children adorable.

It would have saved face to go through with it. Not knowing the situation I can't say the groom is devastated. But it's not something you hear of often.

Why New York, is she in Business Class, sat next to a stranger sipping champagne, was meant to be on my honeymoon today! Crikey what tabloid won't pick it up, plus trashy mag.

Poor poor guy.

OP ask her what does she want from you? I'm guessing you don't have a ticket to NY.

villainousbroodmare · 10/06/2017 11:13

I fell so sorry for the groom. And for you. What a fiasco!
I would be calling the makeup and hair people, florist and the celebrant first. Presume band and DJ also unless you think the fuckit party might be a flier?! I really wouldn't expect refunds.
I would then try contacting guests, as some will now stay at home. Others will surely come and there needs to be plenty of food for them. Any presents that have already been delivered need to be collected up and returned. Obviously no further presents to be accepted.

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 11:14

And why are people asking about insurance? For changing her mind?! Get real

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 11:15

MissEDashwood

But food to a homeless shelter

what about the guests that are on their way down?
Thanks for coming but I've cancelled so you can all fuck off, the very least that she should do is feed them.

flowers donated to an upcoming funeral the florists have
agree

you can take the alcohol, but depending who's paid for what, you might want to hang fire bundling it into your boot.
agree
But again this is for the bride to sort out

Is she happy to stay with him, just not married to him?

Do you really think that this should still be her choice?

She may want this but the choice is his not hers

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/06/2017 11:16

Restless.

I presume, as she has booked a flight to New York tomorrow, that she's breaking up with him? That kind of points to it not being just about never wanting to get married?

Given what you said about her Mother, I don't blame her for booking the flight to go & stay with your friend in NY. She's going there because it's remote, not to party in NY.

I'd do anything for my best friend, so I'd help her with the practicalities of this without question. Many people on here seem to have very shallow friendships, I'm glad I'm not one of them & I don't think you are either.

MissEDashwood · 10/06/2017 11:19

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BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 11:19

MissEDashwood
So suggesting say the evening buffet that has been prepped, goes to a homeless shelter is oh so evil, when a woman has crushed a guys heart and stomped on it in designer shoes, to add further insult and injury to the groom.

But it is disrespectful to those that have come any distance.

And to those saying the bride knows how much money has been wasted
She only knows what she has spent not what others have.
Travel
clothes
presents
childminding sevices

the very least she could do is feed them and let them have a knees up.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 11:21

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Florence16 · 10/06/2017 11:21

I still think she is brave. And I agree with the one or two who have said better to call it off now than go through with it and separate virtually immediately. A whole lot worse if the day happens and everyone is there, and then you have to get over the fact that you've put all this time and effort into a day to celebrate the rest of your lives together when the other person didn't even want to, knew so, and that it was a farce. Better it never happens, which is still horrific, but I think at least they aren't shackled together by marriage if it is all broken off before.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2017 11:21

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LakieLady · 10/06/2017 11:21

I don't agree that at this stage it's better that they don't marry. Going through with it then quietly filing for divorce as soon and privately as possible would be a lot easier than the public humiliation she's about to drag this poor bloke through.

You can't even apply for a divorce until you've been married and separated for 2 years (unless you go through the hassle of adultery/unreasonable behaviour). And it costs.

Tbh, I'd find the idea that my spouse only married me to avoid the embarrassment of a cancellation pretty bloody humiliating, too.

tinytemper66 · 10/06/2017 11:22

Whilst this thread was supposed to be about practicalities, of which I have no advice, I did want to post.
I think the bride had the right to change her mind but she should go to NYC after she has sorted all the mess out.

hoddtastic · 10/06/2017 11:23

a friend of a friend did this (we were invited to the evening do) he'd got into a heart to heart with a colleague who he'd always had a spark with at pre-wedding work drinks. Decided he couldn't go through with it (on the day) The relationship he left for (on his wedding day) lasted about 3 months, he's now married to someone else (happily) and so is she (i believe)
Is there any chance your friend has met someone else?

Andrewofgg · 10/06/2017 11:23

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TheClacksAreDown · 10/06/2017 11:23

No insurance is going to cover someone having a change of heart.

This is a truly shitty situation for the groom. That is clear. And yes the bride should certainly have said something way before now. However they are where they are and if she genuinely thinks it would be a mistake (accepting this will mean the end of the relationship) then the least worst option is to call it off rather than go through with it.

MissEDashwood · 10/06/2017 11:24

I agree feed the people who are there, but there will be extras.

Can you even comprehend how the groom, both parents, others associated feel. They must be horrified.

MissEDashwood · 10/06/2017 11:26

I'm saying this as someone who has gone through infertility. My comments came from the comment about her not wanting to settle. At what point does she feel she can live the dream? Get married, have babies, live happily ever after.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 11:26

Can you even comprehend how the groom, both parents, others associated feel. They must be horrified.

Obviously. But to wish infertility on someone? Disgusting.

Biggreygoose · 10/06/2017 11:26

I can't be the only one thinking that she should be flying the groom out to ny rather than herself?

She has caused a shitstorm. She can clear it up.

Leave the mess for her to deal with on her return.

brasty · 10/06/2017 11:26

It is far better to cancel, than go ahead with a wedding that you know is wrong.

I would let the reception go ahead for guests. Presumably some will have travelled from far away, so feed them, let them talk to each other. There may for example be some upset guests, and letting them talk to others seems fairer.

Insurance will not cover this.

And I would let flowers go to an old people's home, rather than a funeral.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 11:26

I'm saying this as someone who has gone through infertility.

So have I. Don't use that as an excuse for your reprehensible comments.

skippingdolefully · 10/06/2017 11:27

You are a lovely best friend OP.

beepbeepimasheep · 10/06/2017 11:27

Let's hope by karma she gets the hell many women never asked for even in their 20's. Ovaries redundant, tubes blocked and some added fibroids

You sound nice...what a cruel, heartless, evil thing to say.

OP it's going to be tough for everybody involved but she must not go through with it if she is certain as that would be most unfair on the groom. you've had a lot of good advice so ignore the crap comments and make sure you've got somebody to help you out when you've finished helping your friend.

Rufus27 · 10/06/2017 11:30

MissEDashwood Been there myself too, but would never be as vile as to wish infertility on anyone else. Horribly bitter.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2017 11:31

I'd be having misgivings about a friend who did this, especially the swanning off to NY instead of being an adult and sorting out the mess she made. Also a really shitty way to treat someone else.